My skin is feverish
I am delirious

I'm not sure where my fantasy world ends and the real one begins

I can't talk to anyone
They might find out at some point

That I'm not who I say I am

I'm not okay
Like they expect me to be.

I don't think I can live among them after the truth has been set free

After I'm exploited it won't be a relief.
It won't set me free

It will cage me in

It won't let me leave

Because once you're exposed, people will only see you.
There's no hiding anymore

It is one of the most
emotionally tolling things I have ever been through
We sweat
We bleed
We cry
We fear
Over what?
The most mundane things
GPA, AP classes, Dual Credit
Where to sit at lunch today?

It's the new silent killer
It doesn't run at us with
knives or guns
but approaches discreetly
we don't
see it coming until the
insanity
is upon us

by then it is far too late
now we can just clutch our rosary and hope the madness
will subside
with our GPA
still intact.

Intimacy.
doesn't have to be
about holding hands or sharing beds.
It can be felt in the way you never leave my
mind.
And in the way, you always know what to say.
It can be felt in sharing my every thought assured you will reply truthfully.
honestly.
It can be felt in the way
i am not afraid of what I say
In the words that make my heart swell, even though they lack any obvious romance.

That's what honest intelligence will do to a girl like me.

It will make me believe.

That's my definition of intimacy
I may run from it
now and then

But don't be discouraged, my thoughts will always remain with you, even when I am gone.

Talk to me
let the words that have been colliding in your mind
free
As you wring your hands
and as a crease forms between your eyes
I will be here
simply listening

Every once in a while
life will trip you.
more than every once in a while
but it will happen when you're at your best
when you're confident
strong.
It means no harm
It trips so you will fall
and catch yourself
Before you plunge into the dark and unseemingly near depths of
narcissism
It humiliates? Perhaps save
You have been reminded to stay humble.
The depths may be closer than they appear
Stay humble
Don't give life a reason to trip you
a desire for you to fall.

That is the letter your name starts with
It's also the letter of the word I use
to remind myself
That they can not know
They must never know
Because you are too old, for me
And I am too young for you
With your easy smile and delicate hands
Your terrible humor and your caring ways
Whenever I'm with you I forget about the numbers
I forget how you were alive for so many years
Before I was even born
But still, I want to wallow in your smile, I want to bathe in it and recieve your praise, forever
I want to bottle your awkward humor and carry it with me throughout the day
Loosening the lid only at the worst of times, when I really need it, because it's rare and I need it to last.
Why is it that whenever we're laughing I forget about the number?
There's too many numbers
Height, weight, number of friends, number of attempts, number of kids, number of divorces
You once asked me what forever looked like.
That to me is undefinable in so many ways, but can be seen in our future together.
The moments of happiness we'd share?
That is forever
But I'm not asking for a number
I'm not asking for years
The promise of time, that's another thing I'm more than willing to overlook
If I can look past that number and so many others.
Why can't everyone look past them for me too?

I can't think of anything to say...
The cliché of an apology, I'm sorry sounds weak and falls flat in the staging area that's my mind.
But saying, "I'm sorry you've felt sadness" feels heavy and thick, even though it may be the truest thing I've ever wanted to say to you, it asphyxiates my decision making skills
So at this point, admitting the truth sounds like a pretty good idea.
Which means I'll admit the fact that I have no idea what to say to you, to your face or your soul.
I have no idea how to fix you, no matter how hard I try
Maybe one day I will
When sadness has hit me the same way it hit you, but for now...
All I can do is give my condolences...until a better more earth shattering explanation for why we've felt sadness has come my way
And I can't give you a date because to give you a date would be to mark an unspeakable day, which will make me able to speak to you
I'd do anything to be able to speak to you again

I will not try
to fill these pages
with what i know
and what i don't.

Instead
I will fill them
with how i feel
and what i think
and why i dream.

I will fill these pages
with every wondrous
feeling i've ever felt
and the ones that have yet been introduced

These pages will be so
full
that the journal
will be noticeably heavier.
Than when I began

It will call to those who are apt.

And it will show them the
wondersand joys
of my life.
But also the
sorrow and rage.

She must be careful
because as words fulfill and inspire.
they can also destroy and diminish.
The soul.

I believe in the power of words.
And how they can make you feel
Hopefully, one day

She will too.

Why do you bother
telling me what to do with my life?
Like I will actually listen.

Because if there's one thing I've learned
In all this time
It's that this life is mine.
I can do with it what I wish

If only I had any idea...

Her feelings caused by you scare
A mere mortal.
Can not possible endure the weight
anything less than a divine would tire
Yet she does not share
to anyone that could help her lift the burden

Burden?

She has placed this on herself

Her lips frozen, cemented
It is all her doing
Did feelings really cause this?
How can they take away
A humans most treasured prize

It is not them it is her.

She has placed the devil on a pedastal.
Stupid girl
He is not really there, they are not really frozen
You are not really frozen

Were feelings even shared?

You
Click your tongue
Purse your lips
Smile my way

I purse my lips
Look away
And smile at the wall

It's an awkward mating ritual
Inversely proportional to how it's supposed to go

But no matter
It's a ritual nevertheless
That's solely ours

We're too interesting for normalcy anyways

This weirdness suits us well