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Feb 2015 · 4.1k
Being Happy Isn't Easy
Maria Mata Feb 2015
You never realize how hard it is to be happy
Until you've gotten tired of wallowing in misery
After tasting happiness
And still having dark thought plague your mind
How you struggle to push them back
Exhausted by the end of the day
Telling yourself "you're good enough" but not believing it
Jul 2014 · 3.5k
Learning To Love Myself
Maria Mata Jul 2014
I feel myself growing distant
Further and further everyday
The shell I worked so hard to break through
Surrounds me once again
The blade it brings no comfort
Yet I feel no pain
Will I ever learn to love myself
Like I did yesterday
Jan 2014 · 804
Addiction
Maria Mata Jan 2014
Everyone has their addictions
Some like to swim in a bottle of whiskey
Others touch the sky as smoke fills their lungs
Carnal lust to feel some sort of love
Finding fleeting moments of joy in the bottom of a burning spoon

Me?
I'm addicted to the gore
Something wicked sharp for my legs
Something small for my torso
A sting and then it's smooth sailing

A leering grin on my thigh
I find myself in the raw pink edges
The yellow spheres of fat
That turn orange as blood bubbles to the surface
And run like crimson rivers down the drain

I am made of satin scars
A physical imperfection to mirror
How ******* up I am inside
Jan 2014 · 402
New Year
Maria Mata Jan 2014
My New Years resolution?
Why would I stop doing the very thing
That keeps my alive
By killing me a little
Every time
Dec 2013 · 567
I Don't Exist
Maria Mata Dec 2013
You look at me
Do you see me?

Sounds come from my mouth
Do you hear me?

You say you're my friend
Do you know me?

I exist
Am I living?

Eyes pass over me as if I were mist
Am I really here?
Oct 2013 · 827
My Drug
Maria Mata Oct 2013
I hunger for the blade against my skin
Like a necrophiliac lusts for
Cold decaying flesh

I need the blade to feel the rush
Like an addict needs
A shot of ****** racing through their veins

I want to see the blood
Like a murderer stares in amazement
At his latest masterpiece, all gore and guts
Oct 2013 · 557
This Itch
Maria Mata Oct 2013
The cuts on my legs
They're starting to heal
And they itch, how they itch!
Oct 2013 · 558
The Butterfly Project
Maria Mata Oct 2013
Butterfly, butterfly
On my arm
You're no use to me

I only ask
For you are the creation
Of the one I love

Her hands held the marker
That graced my skin
An indirect whisper of skin against skin

Little butterfly
Though useless you may be
You are perfection

From the tips of your antennae
To the bottom of your wings
And the swooping pattern in between

Imagined and concocted
Made by the hands
Of god herself

Delicate butterfly
You hold her essence
In your dark lines

At night I close my eyes
Trace your shape
With my fingertips

Though you don't stop the blood
Little butterfly
I still love you
Dedicated to Dora, who draws a butterfly on my arm, but doesn't know that I only ask for it because it reminds me of her.
Sep 2013 · 473
Read My Scars
Maria Mata Sep 2013
In the privacy of the bathroom
Lock the door
Check it twice

Pull out the small plastic box
Take out your weapon
Smile

Hot water to clean
A silver blade to cleanse
Bleed away the memories

Watch it twining down your leg
Like a scarlet ribbon
Wrapping itself around your calf

A red river going down, down, down
Swirling, twirling into the drain
Staining the tub red

My legs hurt
The blood is seeping through
I leave smudges on my bed sheets
And risk discovery when wearing shorts

But the scars are so beautiful
Do you think, that if you close your eyes
You'd be able to read them like braille?
Sep 2013 · 382
I Am Nothing
Maria Mata Sep 2013
Who am  I?
Certainly I am not who is reflected in the mirror!
With scarred arms and lacerated thighs!
I am not the hated reflection that practices her smile before facing the world!

No!
I can't be!
She who hears the blade singing her name
And every wrong thing she's ever done is another tally mark on her skin

What is my name?
Is it pain, is it shame, is it filth?
Another ***** smudge on this stained planet
I think I remember it now

But it's just a memory long faded away
No point in wasting breath to say it
I am nameless, another blurred face you pass by
Sep 2013 · 1.2k
A Cutter's Lullaby
Maria Mata Sep 2013
Go to sleep, close your eyes
And dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings, against a thorn
You know the pain that they've endured

Silver metal shines so bright
Scarlet blood that feels so right
Dream of that blood trickling down
And wake up just before you drown

The moonlight shining off your tears
As you bleed out your worst fears
So tonight when you start to cry
Whisper the cutters lullaby

Hushabye baby, your almost dead
You don't have a pulse and your pillow is read
Your family hates you, your friends let you bleed
Sleep tight with a knife, 'cause that's all you need

Rockabye baby, broken and scarred
You didn't know life would be this hard
Time to end the pain, you hid so well
And down you'll come baby
Back home to hell
As much as I'd like  to take credit for this, I can't. I found it while on the internet and it struck me as beautiful.
Sep 2013 · 578
Modern Day
Maria Mata Sep 2013
Turn on the TV
Nothing but static
Switch to the news
Riots and violence

Brainwashed with lies
Afraid of the new
Judging the different
Just to be "cool"

Side-effects are
Outweighing the illness
The Federal Government
Is keeping secrets

Teens shooting guns
Children are dead
Kids hyped on drugs
But "It's all in your head"

Pop some more pills
Make the pain go away
Cut a little deeper
No one cares if you stay
What I see in modern day society.
Sep 2013 · 545
Distgusting
Maria Mata Sep 2013
Filling my body with this poison
Shoveling it into my mouth
Perhaps if I consume enough
I'll die of the disease

I feel it, sluggishly crawling
Through my entrails
Acid churning it
To be exhumed from my body

More, more, I need more
The hunger only grows
As I sit at the table, another dose prepared
I wonder, will I ever be full?

Blisters and scabs, welts and burns
Evidence that it's slowly working
Eating me alive from the inside
Bringing the real me to the surface

Standing in front of the mirror
I look in distgust
Yet I couldn't be happier
I am almost done

Disease ridden
Poisoned from inside
A husk with peeling skin
Oozing black slime

We are all distgusting
We have all told lies
They eats us alive
Turning us dead inside

The horror of these actions
Showing up in death
When the worms eat our decaying flesh
And maggots swarm our brain
A fairly recent poem I wrote, don't have any idea if it's good, I also don't care.

— The End —