When I opened my eyes this morning
I cursed at God for waking me up
It ***** living in this world
when you're an absolute **** up
Before I go to sleep at night
I pray to God to take me home
or at least put me in a coma
that way people could leave me alone
Everyday that I live is a day that I hate
I'm counting down the days until I die
and I honestly cannot wait
Not only will people be happier
because I won't be around to make their lives hell
I won't be suffering with this depression
that I don't handle very well
Everyday is torture
no one understands
that the heart that keeps me alive
is like a ball of glass
One drop and it's shattered
into pieces I can't put back together
Even if I tried to fix it
I'll be stuck fixing it forever
Life is no adrenaline rush for me
it's like eating a bad egg and throwing up
It ***** living in a world
where everyone considers you a **** up

It's three in the morning
I have had the same stomach ache since ten o'clock last night
The pain is so intense I can't move
without feeling my insides turning upside down
Nothing is helping either
Tums are not working
Sprite is not working
A hot bath hasn't helped
I feel like I need to throw up
but that just causes me to have an anxiety attack
Now I am at the point where breathing is so painful
that I hold my breath
Feeling on the verge of tears
I break down and take some medication
Two hours later
Nothing
By now it feels like my intestines are knotted
through each of my ribs
I'm shaking
I'm sweating yet I'm cold
I break down again
I can't take it anymore
I smoke some ****
I light the joint
Take a hit
It hurts to inhale but I need some relief
I take two more hits
Within half an hour my stomach ache is gone
I feel like I am floating in a swimming pool
while wrapped up in a blanket
The shaking has stopped
I can breathe without feeling like something inside of me is tearing
I am so tired
It's amazing how much energy pain can take from you
It feels so good not to be in pain
I finish the joint
I lay on my bed
I allow myself to relax
I'm thirsty but too exhausted to get back up
I fall asleep with relief
hoping to God that this pain doesn't come back

We did it
We finally tied the knot
After months of stress from planning
we got the wedding we always wanted
I walked down the isle
you stood there watching me with wonder
As we said our vows while staring into each others eyes
I knew I would look into those eyes forever
We finally kissed as we went from two people to one person
We became one heart
as our kiss sent off sparks of passion
I held your hand so tightly
to make sure that this was real
We are now husband and wife
words could not express the joy I was feeling in that moment
As we had our first dance
it became clear to me
You are the one
God has chosen for me
As our song played beautifully
we sang along quietly together
I am so happy to share this journey with you
that tells the story of us forever


This poem is dedicated to Jeremy and Heather Okon
Congratulations on your special day
I love you

May I write a book about you?
I want to write chapters about how your smile
calms all of the piercing voices in my head
I want to put into words how the feeling of your hand in mine
calms all of the storms that cause chaos within my chest
I want to write you letters
telling you how you are the best thing that ever happened to me
I want to tell you so badly how much I love you
I love you so much but I am afraid to let myself tell you
because my love for you is so overwhelming
I don't think I can handle it
Sometimes I lay in bed and I feel like I am suffocating
under all of the ******* that my depression throws at me
but you are like the sky after a rainy day
You are so handsome
You are so beautiful
It's enough to make me sick because I can't wrap my head
around how someone so perfect can exist in a world like this
I can't accept the fact that you can have anyone you want
yet you chose me
I can still taste our first kiss on my lips
That kiss brought back to life all of the parts of me I thought died
I was a **** you turned into a flower
You made me able to love again
God! What a beautiful gift to be able to love someone so deeply
So I ask again may I write a book about you?
I want to write chapters on how you came into my life
and changed my world in the most magnificent way


To the one I will one day write a book about, I can't wait to meet you. Whoever you are...

I am like a cup of coffee
The black coffee is my soul
the cup is my body
the hot temperature is my love
the steam rising are my dreams
The sugar is my friends
the cream is my family
Leave me out too long
I start to get cold
re-heating me is like giving me a hug
reminding me that I am not alone
The spoon is my soulmate
I need him to mix the flavors
Whip cream is the blessings
I receive on a daily basis
The sprinkles on top are milestones I have reached
the scent is my voice for when I sing and when I speak
Vanilla is my favorite holidays
Chocolate is my birthday
Raspberry is my laughter
Macchiato is my sad days
Pumpkin Spice is my comfort
Peppermint is my kisses
Lattes are my poetry
Cappuccinos are my tears
Every flavor is another part of me you have to get to know first in order to like
Irish Creme is my hello
Hot chocolate is my goodbye
I am brewed every minute of everyday
I am well loved by everybody
I can warm you up and make you feel alive
just like a cup of coffee

I honestly believe that whenever I am around people
they are silently wishing for me to go away
I look at their faces as I speak and underneath their smiles
I can see that annoyed look that people get
when they desperately want someone to shut up
When I am alone and away from people
I feel like the ones I love are happier and more alive
I think I drain people
I think the sight of me and the sound of my voice
is equivalent to nails on a chalkboard
Sometimes I imagine how much better off the world would be
without me in it
The thought makes me sad
I don't want to die but I am so tired of feeling like I am upsetting everybody in my life
I feel like a loser
a nobody
I can't express how I feel because people either think I am being ridiculous,
looking for attention
or some other kind of *******
I can't help the way that I feel
I get that on the outside looking in I am difficult to understand
I don't understand myself either
I try so hard to love myself but I can't
Sometimes I think I only try to love myself to please others
It's not that I don't want to love myself
I am incapable of doing so
I guess I am just tired
I'm tired of fighting with my mind
I'm tired of fighting with my self esteem
I am tired of giving my all and getting nothing return
I don't want an award or anything magnificent
It would just be nice for someone to tell me that they like having me around
or that they are proud of me for sticking around despite my constant thoughts telling me to go **** myself
I just want my existence to matter
I don't think that's an awful thing to want

I have this feeling that something is not right
it is as if something bad is about to happen
I try to ignore this feeling as much as I can
but sometimes it is impossible to ignore
I have so much on my mind
going for walks used to help but lately
I just want to throw up everything inside of me
Sleeping is supposed to drown out everything
you are supposed to get peace when you sleep
Except for me
I get nothing but nightmares
I wake up so much through out the night I might as well not go to sleep at all
I get so depressed that I forget where I am sometimes
I never have days where I am just happy
I always end up feeling depressed about something
I feel so alone too
I have friends yet I feel like I am walking alone all of the time
I am even thinking about cutting again
Cutting does not get me anywhere though
It takes me to a painful state of mind where my emotions are out of control
I cannot function unless I feel physical pain
When I cut I am in control with my emotional pain
I like having that control
I have fewer breakdowns with that control
School is easier to deal with when I have that control
My life itself is a nightmare
I have no choice but to live with what I have
To not live with my disorder would be to commit suicide and suicide is too easy
One cut, one bullet, one leap off of a really tall building could end it all for good
Life is a challenge for me
It is a challenge I choose to beat
This bad feeling I have may just be a warning
It is a warning telling me I am about to lose it
If I do not take a step back and breathe
I might do something really stupid
I have come too far to be stupid
I need to stop
rewind
breathe
shift my focus to something that will take my mind off of this bad feeling
if I don't this could all end very badly

When I was just a little girl
I knew something about me wasn't right
I spent most of my days angry
and I couldn't sleep at night
I found myself looking in the mirror at the age of nine
thinking to myself that I was fat
I thought that way until the age of thirteen
and that's when things got really bad
I spent most of my days sitting in my walk-in closet
writing poems as Green day blasted in my ears
I'd sit in the shower and cut myself
and let my blood collide with my tears
Not letting myself eat gave me some control
on what I was feeling all of the time
Even though I was always hurting
I would smile and tell everyone that I was fine
I poured my heart into my writing
everything made sense on paper
I felt relieved in some ways
when others treated me like a social loser
I was alone in this world of confusion I couldn't understand myself
All I could do was cry
because I was different from everybody else
The scars on me do not scare me
they remind me that I am not crazy
They remind me that I am human
with a past that is really messy
I still don't know what is wrong with me
if I could fix myself I would
Whatever I have will always be a part of
causing me to always be misunderstood.

I hope you find happiness in places you never have before
I hope this Christmas you get everything you wished for
I hope you have the courage to let go of anything that is tragic
so you can spend today in peace as you fall back in love with magic




If you are reading this I just want to wish you a Merry Christmas!!!!

The snow is falling gently outside
the lights on the house are glowing with love
The Christmas tree is full of ornaments we made together
before God made you an angel above
The sky is dark yet full of stars
holiday movies play on the television
I sit outside with my cup of hot cocoa
hoping you can hear me from heaven
I wish you could see the house
it is decorated just for you
The mistletoe hangs where we used to kiss
as the clock strikes two
Your records stay in their place
just as you left them
I get sad knowing their collecting dust
but I don't have the heart to touch them
I tried making your famous pasta tonight
it's a recipe I can never get right
I drink the wine we used to share together
as we sat next to the window awaiting the winter weather
I still stay up until 2 am
hoping to catch Santa coming into the house
Yet I always manage to fall asleep
as I dream of you singing Beatles songs to me
I look through old photo albums
full of pictures from five Christmas's ago
I am immediately taken back to our first Christmas
where our first kiss took place in the snow
With tears in my eyes I grab the keys
to take a drive in your car
Merry Christmas my love
I hope your happy wherever you are



To those who are dealing with holiday grief I just want you to know that you are not alone. Merry Christmas. I hope your day is a wonderful one and I hope your heart is full of hope, love and happiness.

I used to be a different person
I used to never be this way
I was always angry and negative
and I cut after school each day
I was lonely and misreable
I never wanted to go  to school
I was so focused on what others said
simply because I wasn’t cool
I used to hate myself
the color black was my security blanket
whenever stress would come my way
I’d stay home because I couldn’t take it
I missed many days of school
because I was so depressed
I had no energy to take care of myself
so I always looked like a mess
It was really hard to become
the person I am today
I went from quiet and shy
to always having something to say
I went through a lot of challenges
some that I regret
but I have to remember to not take on so much
I’m not done healing just yet
life gets better everyday
that’s something that I’m grateful for
I’m happy that I’m alive
I don’t want to die anymore
Life is challenging of course
but I’m so ready for this ride
I’m ready to be who I really am
I’m no longer going to hide

I keep your name on a chain around my neck
not because I miss you but
To remind myself to never fall for someone like you ever again
To never allow a man to keep me down
To never allow a man to put his hands on me like he owns me
To never allow a man to tell me that my dreams do not matter
I keep your name around my neck to remind me
that my dreams in fact do matter
To remind me that I belong to no man other than Jesus Christ
To remind me of all of the times I stood up
when you tried to keep me down
Your name is a reminder of who I used to be
The chain is my motivation
to never be that kind of woman again

Sometimes I feel like dying
because I hurt so much inside
Sometimes I get so upset
that I contemplate suicide
Sometimes I want to cut
Sometimes I want to drown
Sometimes I want to overdose on pills
when no one else is around
Sometimes I wish I could die
just to see who would miss me
Who would want me alive again?
Who would shed a tear for me?
I wonder if I went away
who would want me back?
No one would give a ****
sometimes I believe that to be a fact
Sometimes I wish I could start my life over
I wish I could fix myself
Sometimes I wish I was in a coma
so i don’t have to face myself
I wish I could cut 1,000 times
and just bleed out all of my pain
Sometimes I wish I had a different mind
maybe then I wouldn’t be insane
Sometimes I wish I couldn’t feel
emotional pain I mean
I would never have to feel bad
my tears would never be seen
Sometimes I wish I could stop the world
just to catch my breath
right now I just want to sleep forever
and forget about life for a little bit

You know the moments when we hang out
the hours just fly by
We sit and watch movies until we fall asleep
and everything is alright
I love the moments when we are alone
and you stare into my eyes
I see things that I have never seen before
and it takes me by surprise
You know the moments when we are at your house
you make me my favorite drink
I think it is cool that you remember what I like
I don't have to remind you about anything
I like how you notice my do's and don'ts
and you never complain
I also like how you show me off to the world
and I love how you say my name
I like the moments when you hug me
you never want to let me go
Even when we are out in public
you're not afraid to let your feelings show
You know the moments when we are at my house
we are up all night, too in love to rest
When we kiss and tell each other "I love you"
those are the moments I love the best

Touch me
Don't say a single word
just touch me and I will prove to you
that you are made of stars
You were created by God
who happens to be the most amazing artist
because he made you
From the lines on your face to your pounding heart
he made you and I get the absolute pleasure
of looking at you anytime I want to
You are made of more than stars
You are made of wonder
and magic
and of love
A love so pure and incredible
I have to pinch myself to make sure
that I'm not dreaming
You are made up of magic
You hold inside of you the key to my heart
You were made for me
and I was made for you
Whenever we kiss I am more convinced
we were meant for each other
Just when the world had me convinced
you didn't exist you showed up
and proved them wrong
You proved me wrong
I thought the one for me was lost
but you found me at just the right time
You are the other half of me I have been searching for
So touch me
Put your hand to mine and I'll prove to you
that you are made of more than stars

You have been on my mind for a few days now
to the point it’s keeping me up at night
sometimes I feel so lucky to have known you
because with you everything felt alright
Then there are days where I hate knowing your Existence
your poison to anyone you get close to
you take them and use them for all that they have
until they are of no use to you
that’s what you did with me
I did everything you asked me to
I even took interest to the things I found boring
just to better understand you
I loved you with every fiber inside of me
to the point I became overwhelmed
I loved you to the point I lost myself
and I didn’t know how to love anybody else
You didn’t care though, i never mattered
I was a game piece to your game
you went from wanting every inch of me
to despising me including my name
you destroyed me inside and out
and I’m left picking up the pieces
having you in my memory is a curse
that once upon a time left me speechless.

She didn’t want trips to the salon, fancy birthday parties, expensive clothes and red carpet photo shoots. She wanted you. She wanted your time. She wanted your eyes to not just see her but really see her for more than just her beautiful figure. She wanted to laugh with you, she wanted to sit in silence with you as she listened to your heartbeat through your shirt because no other sound in the world could compare to the music your heart made. She wanted coffee on the front porch, not a starbucks latte, she wanted to make her own funny videos not watch comedies in a movie theater. She could’ve had anyone and she chose you. In the end you threw her away. Getting drunk with your friends was more important. Getting laid by the girl all your friends slept with once or twice was more important. Throwing your life away for drugs was more important. You complain about not having an honest woman. You complain about not having someone who cared, someone who treated you as if you were the most important thing in the universe. You had that. You threw it away and for what? That last drink, that last ****, that last pill, that last party where everyone is so ****** up they can’t remember ****. Was it really worth it?

It has been six years since I have seen you
you are still perfection in my eyes
Running into you at the local grocery store
was such a sweet surprise
I came home for Christmas to see my family
they told me you had moved to Chicago
When I went to the deli section to get some ham
never in a million years did I think I would run into you
You looked at me with shock in your eyes
as if you had just seen a ghost
I knew what you were thinking though
I'm the girl that you used to know
I was the girl you fell in love with in high school
only to break your heart into pieces
When you told me your feelings that summer night in the rain
I told you to get over it
Then I went away
I didn't even say a word
I packed my stuff in the middle of the night
and left like the coward I was
I went to California to make something of myself
I didn't want a man to hold me down
I didn't want a ring on my finger or a baby on my hip
I wanted nothing but my freedom
Seeing you in that grocery story
with your soft eyes still in pain
I couldn't help but be consumed with guilt
as I thought of the biggest mistake I ever made
My mistake wasn't loving you
you were the best thing that ever happened to me
My mistake was hurting you
and walking away like we didn't mean anything

HIM: You come here after all of these years expecting me to take you back. You must be out of your f**ing mind

HER: I don't expect you to take me back. I came here to apologize.

HIM: Is that why you're really came here? To apologize? Or to rub your presence in my face?

HER: I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for leaving you.

HIM: Where was your apology six years ago? Where was it when you left in the middle of the night not even letting me know your plans? WE had plans. I loved you and you walked all over my feelings like I was a piece of garbage.

HER: I was young! I needed a chance to live and figure out what I wanted!

HIM: THEN WHY COULDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT!!!?? INSTEAD YOU LEFT! YOU JUST LEFT! Do you have any idea how much you destroyed me and then you come back here thinking an apology is going to fix things????

HER: I don't think an apology is going to fix anything. I just need a chance to explain...

HIM: Explain what? That you were in love with me and then out of the blue you changed your mind? You went from wanting to spend your life with me to laughing at me when I told you how I felt about you. I loved you. I wanted to give you the entire world and you spat in my face. I can't sleep at night because if I concentrate hard enough I can still smell you. I can't stand to be alone because when I am I hear your voice and it rings so loud in my ears it's enough to make me throw up. Seeing you the other day and seeing you now makes me want to do nothing but kiss you yet at the same time I want to tell you to drop dead but I can't do that because my ******* is still in love with you. I am deeply in love with you and always will be but I can't ever be with you again because I can't trust you. You ruined me. There is nothing you can do to fix what you did.

HER: I had no idea...

HIM: YES YOU DID! I told you everyday and I showed you everyday. Don't act like you didn't know how much I loved you. Don't use your fear of love as an excuse to act like some victim stuck in a love story that you ******* up by running away.

I never meant to hurt him
I didn't plan to leave
I didn't plan anything then
I never thought about the consequences of my actions
If I stayed I would have ended up married young
Possibly divorced by now
I would have gotten pregnant with a child I didn't want
which would have left me stuck
It wouldn't have been the right choice for my life to stay
It wouldn't have been fair to him to make him settle
when he has so much to offer this world
I know I seem selfish
I know he thinks of me as heartless
I am not scared of love
I grew up
I can't just take risks and hope that I live happily ever after
Life doesn't work that way
I know I disgust him
I know I can never be forgiven
I should have been honest with him
but I didn't want to hurt him
A part of me will always love him
My feelings for him have not changed
I just needed to know if there was more for me out there
Turns out there is
I have found happiness and success in California
Yet none of it could ever fill the hole I have inside of my chest
from missing him so much
I ******* up
He's right
There is nothing I can do to fix the damage I have caused him

When she left me six years ago
I was so angry at her
She was the first girl I ever confessed my feelings to
She was my first everything
I wanted nothing more than to make her happy
Yes I wanted to marry her one day
Yes I would have loved to have children with her
There was a lot I wanted to do with my life
However, I wanted her with me
I had no idea how she felt when it came to feeling stuck
If she needed time to think
I would have let her go
I wouldn't have held her back
If she wanted to leave
I would have gone with her
I would have never made her stay somewhere she didn't want to be
She should have known that
When she left
my whole world shattered
Seeing her again
it was as if I was given a second chance to be with her
All of those old feelings came back to me
I wanted nothing more than to hold her the way I used to
Then I was reminded of how much she hurt me
I meant what I said about still smelling her scent and hearing her voice
I never wanted her to drop dead
I wanted her to come back
I wanted her to include me into her plans
I wanted an explanation
Nothing makes sense without her
I should have given her a chance to explain
I was so angry at her
I'm angry at myself for still wanting her when I know she doesn't deserve me
I have never yelled at her until today
It killed me to do that
I love her so much
I always will
I ******* up
I should have let her tell her side of the story
Now she's gone again
There is nothing I can do to take back all of the awful things I said to her
There is nothing I can say or do to bring her back

He doesn't allow me to pay for dinner
that is something I have to get used to
He tells me I am beautiful every chance he gets
that is another thing I have to get used to
He always texts me back first chance he gets
he always picks up the phone when I call
When I have an anxiety attack he doesn't get frustrated
he holds me and reminds me that I am not alone
He shares poetic things to my wall on Facebook
because he knows how much I love poetry
He watches me as I write
he says he finds my passion interesting
He lets me pick the music in his car
since he knows music calms me down
He always holds my hand when we are sitting together
and cuddles me when we're lying down
He is the type of man who will spend Friday nights
watching Netflix while eating pizza
He is the type that will listen to you
as you go on and on about absolutely nothing
He is the kind of man who won't play with your heart
he will keep it safe right next to his
He is what every woman is looking for in a man
he is my boyfriend and I adore him

He got sent to prison today
The judge said "life without parole"
He will never taste freedom again
He will spend the rest of his days
stuck between four walls
I knew this day was coming
I knew what the judge would say
What he did was wrong
and now he has to pay
He murdered a man a year ago
in fact he murdered several
The man that I am in love with
turned out to be a serial killer
He skinned people alive
He enjoyed hearing them scream
Then he put their bodies in a shredder
so he wouldn't leave traces of anything
When I was at home cooking dinner
he was out stalking his prey
According to the evidence shared in court weeks ago
he murdered a man and a woman on Christmas Day
He skinned them
Burned them
Hung them upside down like animals
He shredded them to pieces
and came home as if nothing had happened
This has been going on for years
since he was about seventeen
It makes me cringe whenever I think of all of the times
his hands were all over me
Did he ever think about murdering me
Could I have been one of his victims
He told the courts killing those strangers was easy
because he had no love for them
When asked why he did what he did
he smiled with pride
He shook his head and laughed
"That is just the way I am wired" he replied
A part of me wanted to throw up
another part of me wanted to cry
When he was taken out of court in handcuffs
I was absolutely mortified
It is astonishing the way us humans
can hide secrets so well
The things we do when no one is watching
just to get through our personal hell's
What makes me even more sick is that despite his actions
and many other sins
My boyfriend is a serial killer
and I am still madly in love with him

I know it is too early to talk about Christmas but I already have my list made and this is what I want. I know my list is not exactly rational to some but as an honest person I feel that my list should be honest so when I go to the mall with my nieces this year I will be sure to give Santa this list. Yes as an Aunt I am required to believe in Santa. Maybe I do believe in him. Maybe I never stopped believing. Anyways, here is my Christmas List for 2015:

1.) Spend Christmas in the Children's Hospital with children who can't go home for Christmas because they are too sick. It breaks my heart to think of a child alone on Christmas. I know that families can go to the hospital and spend Christmas with their loved ones but depending on the child's illness, sometimes the families can't. I have a family but I'm not married, I don't have kids of my own so I have all of this free time and love and I would rather spend time with a child who is alone on Christmas just doing whatever they wanted to do than sit at home doing my holiday traditions that I will admit I take for granted a lot. I think it's important to give back and I would love to give a child confined to a hospital the Christmas they deserve, make them smile and help them to forget their pain for a day.

2.) Go to England. I know some may think I'm crazy but I firmly believe something is waiting for me. It's like a pull whenever I see a photo of England. I just have to go there to see what it is. I will admit I'm scared to go because whatever it is waiting for me will change my life and it could be anything. A challenge, a conversation with a stranger, a love affair, an opportunity, inspiration, the list of possibilities is endless.

3.) Meet Derek Sanders from Mayday Parade in person. Hug him and thank him as well as the rest of the band for saving my life. I don't care about a picture or autograph I just feel it is my duty to let them know how many lives they change with their music. I know many fans have already told them that but I haven't, YET, and I want to very badly.

4.) Snow. I miss it. I miss it like a person misses a loved one who is dead. I miss the feel of it. I miss the smell of it. Yes snow has a smell. I miss the beauty of it and how whenever I am surrounded by it I feel like I am in heaven. I miss catching snowflakes in my hand and thinking about all of the miracles and magic we miss seeing because we are so busy rushing our lives to things we don't really want. I miss lying in the snow and feeling like nothing on this earth can hurt me. No matter what I was going through, good or bad, snow had a way of making me feel alive again. I miss that. I need to feel that way again.

So that is my Christmas List for 2015.

In honor of today I am playing this song (Independence Day-5 Seconds Of Summer) on repeat. At this exact time last year what I thought was the worst thing ever was in all reality the best Christmas gift God could have ever given me. What was the gift? I got my heart broken. Little did I know that through this heartbreak I would learn the following things:

1.) That guy wasn’t the one.
2.) I wasn’t going to get anywhere in life with that guy.
3.) I was only with him because the idea of loneliness terrified me.
4.) My poetry was turning to **** because I was neglecting it.
5.) I had unresolved issues that needed to be dealt with.
6.) I needed a huge reality check.
7.) I needed to clean up my social life.
8.) I needed to face everything that was causing me to be depressed therefore holding me back.
9.) I needed to find myself, embrace myself, love myself and
10.) I learned that I don’t need a man to tell me I'm beautiful or make me feel beautiful or awesome because who I am as a person is enough and if no guy can see that then that is his loss.

I didn’t just get dumped, or tossed to the side, I was pushed off a pedestal I had no business being on. I thought that if I had a boyfriend that life would be great and I would be happy with a simple kiss. I needed to be happy just being me. I needed to learn that what I think of myself matters, how I feel matters and being myself 110% even though everyone else around me might be trying to get me to be something else and to be comfortable in my skin is what is important. No kiss, no compliment, no boyfriend or guy can make me feel good about me only I can feel good about me. So this year I cleaned up everything. I dropped a lot of people who truly weren’t my friends. I had a friend from Wisconsin come visit me and she helped remind me of the person that I used to be and that who I used to be might have some influence on who I am today but I’m way different compared to the girl I was 2, 3 or 7 years ago. I’m not a girl anymore. I’m a woman. I’m a 22 year old woman who is finally living life for the very first time without insecurities and fear of what others think of her. 2014 was all about facing challenges and coming to terms with who I truly am. It was rough. I went through so many emotions that put me through a long rollercoaster but now I’m able to walk with confidence and not in a cocky way but a comfortable way. I faced all of my demons. Some scary some not so scary. I’m ending this year celebrating another gift from god this holiday season. I got courage, I got hope, I got strength, and those are things you can’t get in a box tied in a bow waiting under a Christmas Tree. 2015 is on it’s way and I’m looking forward to taking everything I learned in 2014 and applying it to the new challenges I’ll face all the while making memories that will one day be bedtime stories for when I have kids.

With that said, only fans of 5SOS will know what I’m celebrating this year. Here’s to Independence Day. Whether it’s freedom from an addiction, a toxic friendship, an unhealthy relationship, ect. Here’s to never looking back and moving on to better things. Stay cool, stay confident, stay awesome. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and even though it isn’t summer, Happy independence Day <3

With all my love,

Mandie Michelle Sanders <3

You asked me what I wished for last Christmas

Last December I went to my favorite spot under a pine tree
that held the most Christmas lights
I picked up some snow
held it gently in both of my hands
closed my eyes and said
"I wish for a love so powerful
it's energy is enough to cause an earthquake
A love so beautiful
it is enough to cause me to shed tears of joy in random parts of my day
A love so spectacular
that kisses cause the oceans to sing as the waves crash
A love so pure
that not a **** thing can ruin it
A love so extraordinary
I feel like I am in a constant dream
A love so real
that it makes it impossible for me to breathe"

I blew the snow from my hands
then opened up my eyes
I saw you squinting your face
as I saw snow sitting on your eyelashes
You asked me if I was alright
I told you I was making my Christmas wish
"Some wish" you muttered as you offered me your hand
As soon as I took your hand
I felt the ground shake
When you asked me for my name
my eyes began to fill with tears
You walked me home
and before you left you noticed mistletoe above my front door
You kissed my lips
as my phone began to play a song I have never heard of before

Christmas came, then New Years
Valentines Day too
From March to June we were miles apart
but somehow we made it through
July through October felt like a dream
On Thanksgiving Day you proposed to me over turkey

It is December again
we are under that same pine tree
Your presence still takes my breath away
You're waiting for me to answer your question
I keep going back to that day
I think about my wish
and all of the wonderful things it put us through
I put my arms around your neck
and say "my Christmas wish last year was you"

Driving through the desert
not sure where I want to go
all I know is I’m really upset
and I don’t want to go home
I’ve had a really bad week
so much stuff went down
I would perfer to handle my stress alone
so no one will see me frown
Music isn’t helping now
this drive is all I’ve got
the air isn’t on, the windows are up
yet i don’t care if it’s really hot
I’m happiest when I’m driving
maybe it’s the beautiful scenery
maybe at my unknown destination
the fact that nobody knows me is pretty exciting
I’m not worried about anyone hurting me
I’m almost into Vegas
I should stop for a break
but if I do I’ll start crying
and that’s something I can’t take right now
so I’ll keep on driving
I’m not sure where to go
all I know is I’m feeling  a little bit better
but I still don’t want to go home

Sometimes I feel like a puppet
being played with by my father
Every time I get *******
the first person I yell at is my mother
My father was like that too
except alcohol was his puppet master
Every time I think of my father
I can feel my already heated blood start to boil faster
Ever since I have gotten to know him
I have realized I am like him in so many ways
We are quick to make opinions
we collect music you couldn't finish listening to for days
We are very particular about the dumbest things
it does not take a lot for us to get angry
We become hateful when someone brings up past mistakes
we laugh at things that should not be funny
We do not let anyone in
we spend most of our time alone
When we do not have work related stuff to do
we prefer to stay at home
We both have a love for trucks
we are cigarette addicts too
When I try to make a list of all of the good things about my father
I can only name a few
My father is clean and straight forward
he has no problem telling the truth
He loves to eat Mexican food
he loves Winter too
He is quiet, he is handsome
he loves m&m;'s just like me
He loves Taylor Swift and Pink Floyd
his favorite time of day is morning
My father has problems like I do
only difference is I got help for mine
My father is a person who can be really mean
then an hour later act like everything is fine
He is worse when he drinks
so am I which is why I hardly ever do
Underneath him though is a conflicted heart
despite what people might think
Whenever I get angry
I think of my father
I can't help but blame him sometimes
whenever I feel like the world's biggest bother
No matter what I do to change
I feel the sadness for my father get worse
With his blood in my veins I have no choice
than to accept my father's curse

I am standing in the bathroom
with a razor in my hand
My face is covered in tears
I want this pain to end
My chest is pounding hard, it hurts to breathe
I am slowly losing my mind
If I cut just once the pain will ease up
and in a few minutes I will be fine
I do not want to be fine this time
I just want to be dead
I am tired of always faking a smile
as evil voices fill my head
There is nothing left for me here
except for disappointments and unhappiness
No one cares if I live or die
so ***** it, I am going to do this
I cut my vein in the perfect spot
I drop the razor on the floor
Blood starts pouring out of me
I am not feeling pain anymore
I fall to the ground with my eyes closed
curling up to my knees
I let myself bleed to death
as I enter an eternity of peace

I'm not crying because I am sad.
Sometimes the love I carry and receive from others is so overwhelming
that my body needs a way to release it somehow.
My body chose tears.
Their happy tears.

I want to think the creator of Hello Poetry Eliot York for allowing me to share my work on this site. To the other writers on this site both published and non published thank you for the critique to make my writing better. Thank you for encouraging me and directing me in the right direction to making my life more positive. Thank you for always motivating me and reminding me to work ******* my dreams. Thank you for picking me up when I was sad. Thank you for believing in me when I can't believe in myself. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my poetry, like it, share it and compliment it. To the friends I have made on Hello Poetry thank you for being so awesome. I really hope to meet most of you in person so we can get together and write together. How cool would that be!!!?? I am so blessed to be able to share my work with people who understand how I think. For the first time in my life I have a place to turn to when I need release from all of the crap that builds up in my mind and to be surrounded by people who have a passion for writing like I do, it's like being around magic all of the time and I can't help but smile. To everyone on Hello Poetry thank you for not just making a difference in my life but for making a difference in other's lives as well through your words. You all make the world a better place. Every time you post a poem on this site, you are giving a gift of hope to those who are lost and each poem gives someone the courage to face their demons. If you ever feel like your words don't matter let me tell you now that they do. Every single day. So don't you ever think your work means nothing. You all are so talented and I am so blessed to be a part of a community that is just so full of love. 2015 was amazing and it was because of all of you. Eliot York, thank you again. To every writer on this site, thank you again for making the world a better place, one poem at a time. Happy New Year!!!!!!

What I love the most about swimming
is the feeling of water on my skin
When I close my eyes and go under water
it feels like I am washing away my sins
When I hold my breath until I can't no more
it reminds me that I am alive
In that moment I rise to the surface
and take a look at the sky
I feel the sun shining on me
I just enjoy the light it brings
I relax and breathe out
as I think about everything
I think of how far I have come
I am not who I was seven years ago
All of the pain that I was holding onto
I have finally let it go
I have forgiven others for hurting me
I have made peace with myself as well
I have forgiven myself for harming myself
whenever I got depressed as hell
I have learned to let myself be happy
I am an expert at being hurt
I have learned that I deserve to be appreciated
instead of being treated like dirt
I have learned to love myself
and embrace every flaw that I have
I have learned to remind myself that I am okay
whenever I feel sad
With that in mind I close my eyes
and go back under the water
I take in the moment while ignoring the cold
and remind myself that I am a fighter
Life is like a body of water
you can drown or roll with the waves
When life gets tough you can hold your breath and die
or rise to the surface and just breathe

Being a teenager is not the easiest thing in the world.
You have depression,
you have the problem of not fitting in,
you have the challenge of figuring out where and how you fit into this ******* up world,
you have eating disorders,
you have drinking,
peer pressure,
you have falling in love and getting your heart broken,
high expectations from parents and other adults,
you have cutting,
you have running away from home,
you have friends that stab you in the back.
Then, you have high school.
You have dreams others say are impossible to reach,
you have doubts about whether or not you can handle being a citizen in a world that is so ****** up,
you have the rich kids,
you have the poor kids,
you have the preppy group,
you have the emo group,
bullying,
you ask yourself everyday "who do I want to be in this lifetime?"
It is not easy being a teenager.
In fact it is so difficult not a lot of teens make it to the age of 20.
You also have suicide to deal with.
High school is not something you can figure out with just one day of going there.
In fact those who graduated high school still have no understanding of why high school is the way it is.
One thing is for sure, high school, being a teenager in general, is the time to be free.
Be fearless,
be young,
make mistakes and learn from them,
change your hair color a million times if you want to,
eat all the pizza and drink all the soda you can.
This is the time to have fun.
Are there bad times?
Yeah there is.
Someone might die,
someone might get pregnant,
changes happen but the thing about these bad things is that they are only temporary.
There is help out there for lots of things,
tons of things,
half the time we don't know what kind of help is out there.
Someone once told me, actually a movie told me, that to write something great write about what you know.
This is what I know.
High school goes by really fast,
broken hearts heal,
the mean girls who make fun of you are more insecure then you thought you were,
friends come and go but the ones who stay are the ones who are going to be there for life,
whatever happened in the past will be a faint memory,
that insecure person you used to be will turn into a confident successful person who is ready to take on the world.
Being a teenager is only temporary if you let it be.
Even though it's hard it's the best time of your life and you should never take it for granted.
The choices you make now will shape you and your future.
To all the teenagers out there dare to dream,
dare to hope,
dare to love,
dare to take risks,
fall and get up again
and do not forget to be proud to be yourself 100% in everything that you do.

I was looking at you today
and I thought to myself
"wow he is truly the most handsome man
I have ever laid eyes on"
Then you looked up
and my heart just grew bigger
I felt your eyes on my soul
and I thought to myself
"gosh I love it when he looks at me
please don't ever stop"
I get nervous being close to you
because your skin against mine
feels like a dream I never thought would come true
You excite me
You surprise me
You amaze me
You make me blush like crazy
You make me laugh
You make me happy
So smile away
and keep looking at me
I won't ever get tired of admiring you

I have no one to kiss at midnight for New Year's. Instead of complaining about it I can't help but imagine how fantastic it will be when I am able to kiss my future soulmate every year at midnight for the rest of my life and in that moment I will be so glad I waited to save my next kiss for someone who truly loves and appreciates me for who I really am

They say to forgive and forget. I’m pretty good at forgiving. Sometimes forgiveness is my weakness. I never forget though. When someone mistreats me and breaks my trust that betrayal plays over and over in my head. You can forgive someone and still keep your guard up. When someone mistreats you to the point they put their hands on you and then wants to be your friend, that is a trap waiting to bite you in the ***. You don’t have to be friends with the person you forgive. You forgive someone so you set yourself free from the anger because of whatever they did to you. It has nothing to do with them. Just because someone forgives you doesn’t mean your that person’s friend, doesn’t mean that the situation didn’t happen, doesn’t mean karma isn’t coming for you. I’ve forgiven a lot of people. Am I going to be friends with those people? Nope. Am I going to say “Hello” to them in the store if I see them? Hell no. Some doors are better closed because for some reason whenever their open all hell breaks loose. I don’t want my life to be anymore chaotic then it already has been. I’ve let go of the past, I’m moving on in the present, I have my guard up for the future so I know how to better handle a situation when trust is broken. I hope my enemies can do the same all the while doing me the pleasure of staying away from me.

The snow is falling hard outside
the wind is really cold
I'm sitting on the front porch with a cup of hot chocolate
with you and the hand I love to hold
The lights on the house are shining bright
the stars look beautiful as ever
the truck can no longer be seen
due to this very stormy weather
The fireplace is burning in the living room
while the cats play with ***** of string
the dogs are chewing their chew toys
as we await the year we are excited to bring
The kitchen smells of cookies and brownies
the Christmas tree is full of angels
the television is playing "How The Grinch Stole Christmas"
as our bathroom is lit with cinnamon candles
With a warm house behind me
full of memories we cherish
I just want to sit in the cold with you
as I make my New Years wish
My wish is to be in your arms forever
even on the day we die
"I wish this moment would last forever"
I whisper to the Christmas angels in the sky

Do not make me write a poem about you

I am no one special
just a complicated girl
Living in a complicated world
trying to find her place
Where that is I am not so sure
I am not an angel
Never been a beauty queen
never been anything
Other than a troubled soul
trying to find a place in this world

I am lost
I am scared to show who I am
in a world where no one cares if you cry
Scream or commit suicide
How pitiful the world we live in
I do not want to be number one
I do not need a band account full of all the money in the world
I just want to be beautiful
and understood in a world that rarely cares at all
if I scrap my knees and fall
I could bleed, I could die
no tears would be shed from your eyes
How horrible to realize
you do not matter in this world

I am not Jesus
I would love to be a hero to someone who is lost in this world
just dying to be heard
I want to be the one who catches you when you're feeling overwhelmed
because you're frustrated and ignored
I want to be that open door that sets you free
to be the person you were meant to be

I want to see you fly
spread your wings into the sky
with the confidence that you will not fall
knowing you are risking it all
I want to see you shine to the ones who left you behind
I want to see you rise up
look to the stars and know that you are incredible
because in my eyes you are beautiful
You are someone special
complicated but full of dreams
Your scars they don't scare me
in fact they don't mean anything to me

To someone you are number one
they adore the girl you have become
They would cry if you were gone
because in their world you are awesome

To the world I am a freak
they will not listen when I speak
I am too different to be understood
and that makes it really hard to find my place in this world

If I could show you anything
it would be how amazing you are
If I could tell you anything
I'd tell you how much you complete me
If I could hold you in my arms
I'd hold you for eternity
If I could kiss you just once
you would make my dream come true
If I could hold your hand
I would never let it go
If I could take away your pain
I'd make sure you never cried again
If I could have one wish
It would be to show you how special you are to me
If I could do one thing in my life
it would be to make you my everything

When I'm angry I cut.
When I cut it's like this high.
I feel everything that's eating away at me inside come out of me through one cut.
I bleed and it doesn't hurt.
I feel relieved.
I feel like I can breathe and I suddenly have the energy to carry on when really I just want to give up.

When I'm sleeping I dream.
I dream of a world where stereotypes do not exist.
Everyone is happy.
Everyone is faithful.
The economy doesn't ****, the president is someone you can trust and everyone is getting along.
No one is emo, no one is ghetto, no one is scene.
You're just yourself and you're accepted because you're fine just the way you are.

When I'm content, calm, speechless, sad, or nervous I write.
I write about things I can't say in person.
I write about thoughts that interfere with my daily routine.
I write about my fears, my insecurities and words that when I look at them, they form an understanding to who I am but when others look at them they have no idea what I am talking about.
Writing gives me the time to be myself.
Writing is a part of me.
It is me which is why I do it everyday.

As I lay here and hold you close to me
all I keep thinking about is our goodbye
to think I have to let you go when the sun comes up
just kills me inside
I knew this day was coming
I just wish it didn't have to be today
I wish we could freeze time
that way you never have to go away
I never thought I could love another soul
until your kiss brought me back to life
every touch you blessed me with
just made you that much harder to resist
As my alarm goes off and you open your eyes
I hold back tears as you kiss my lips
I love you unconditionally my dear
I will always remember us being in love just like this

Being with him is different
from any man I have ever dated before
He gives me the courage to face my demons head on
instead of allowing them to eat away at me for days on end
When he touches me I don't flinch
I feel so safe around him that when I need to break down and cry
instead of going home to cry alone in my bedroom
and risk becoming a victim to my unhealthy thoughts
I go to him
He doesn't turn me away
He holds me tightly and listens to me as I speak
although I don't make any sense when I am upset but
he gets me
He gets me in a way no other human being on earth has before
It sounds hard to believe but
I honestly feel like the Lord made him just for me
I believe that when the Lord created him years ago
he kept me in mind as if he knew I would need him one day
Being with him is like coming up for air
after drowning for so long
Being with him is like Wisconsin on a snowy day
but instead of freezing we just run and play
Kissing him is like a dream you never want to wake up from
When he looks at me I can feel his love for me
At night when he holds me I can feel my heart
dance along to his
He's like magic
He's like the fall to Wonderland without the emotional pain
and frustration
He is everything I wished for
He is everything I have ever read about in books
He is everything I have ever wanted
I have finally found him
I finally found my soulmate

I am a magnet for psychotic women and ******* men
I can never seem to find healthy friendships or healthy relationships
In the past year I have had a war going on with two of the most unstable women I have ever met
One is a pathological liar and actress
the other one is crazy and dangerous
I have had three serious relationships with men
All three of them had problems
The first man was a pathological liar
The second man was a *** addict
The third man has Bipolar Disorder
I have my share of problems too
for most of my life I was sure I was going insane
Then I meet people like the ones I mentioned above
and I ask myself "what was I thinking?"
Although these people no longer have a place in my life
I find myself asking questions all of the time
Why do I always end up becoming close to crazy women?
Why do I fall in love with unstable men?
You would think I would be careful with who I let in
based on the previous history of my social life
Yet everyday my heart yearns for crazy
and I have no idea why

One thing I've learned about love is that it never stops
once you start loving somebody that love never goes away
even if the person you love is so mean to you
you can't help but love the person they used to be
It's hard to say "I Love You" to someone because you never know if that person loves you back
Love is a scary thing
it can break you, change you, strengthen you in ways you never thought possible
but once you fall in love and really see what love is you are never ever the same

I look up at the sky
I see the stars calling my name
they want me to join them
but if I did nothing would be the same
they are just so beautiful
I wish I was beautiful like that
instead I’m an 18 year old girl
who is nothing but ugly and fat
the way the stars shine
it takes my breath away
all ugliness fades
I love feeling this way
they dance in the sky
without a care in the universe
they sing in perfect harmony
they never need to rehearse
I was to be a star
I want to shine in my sky
I have every opportunity to become one
but I’m still here and I don’t know why
I guess it’s not my time to shine
I got things to do down here
I smile in disappointment
as I walk away from the only things
that make my life perfectly clear

They call me ugly
They call me fat
They call me pathetic
They call me a ***
They call me depressing
They call me a cutter
They call me useless
They call me a *******
They call me anti-social
They call me dumb
They call me weird
They call me numb
They call me stupid
They call me a ****
They call me a poser
They call me a nut
They call me a fake
They call me thick
They call me a follower
They call me a *****
They call me all of these names
Yet they don't even know me
but every name they call me
pushes me further to success.

I remember the first time you kissed me
you took me by surprise
you filled me up with excitement
like it was my personal high
I remember the first time you hugged me
it felt good to be really close
you held me for a few moments
those are the times I miss the most
I remember our first time at the river
we walked hand in hand
we talked and laughed about crazy things
I wouldn’t mind doing that again
I remember the first time you said “I love you”
I felt my heart skip a beat
those words were so unexpected
that it made it hard to speak
I remember the day you broke up with me
it hurt to see you go
I went to class feeling like an idiot
but I never let my sadness show
I remember when everything changed
nothing has been the same since
but I don’t regret anything
because it was all with my best friend.

Have you ever felt like you were falling and you couldn't seem to stop?
You see the past flash before your eyes and you try to grab onto your favorite memory so you can cherish it forever but as you try to grab it the memory slips through your fingers like sand?
This fall has made you speechless.
It practically took your breath away.
You don't remember what made you fall, then again, you don't really want to know because you're afraid of what you will hear.
When I fall I can't control my landing.
It is either soft or it is painful.
Usually my fall ends with me lying in a black hole begging to be saved yet no one hears me.
I forget who I am so I let my mind slip away.
I lose track of everything until I am no longer the same.
My life is like a long fall sometimes.
Sometimes I land in death.
I can land in water and drown or land on a cliff busting my brains out.
I like the part when I die especially when I don't have to suffer.
Not only does the world make sense but that means that my fall is finally over.