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Dec 2020 · 89
When I used to think of dying
I thought of the physical aspect of death
I thought of something physical happening to me
and my organs would shut down
I would stop breathing you know physically dying
I'm sure when everyone thinks of dying
that's all they think about
the physical aspect
What about dying a different way?
What about dying emotionally?
What about dying mentally and spiritually?
We are all born into a certain life that shapes us
We go through phases
we meet people and we experience things that
end up defining us
At some point we discover who we are
We discover what we love and hate
We live a life that brings us a certain joy
and all is well
What if at some point you go through something
you weren't prepared for?
Something every human faces and it changes you
to the point you die in ways you never expected?
The death to the parts of you that you once knew so well
are now so foreign that getting out of bed is no longer scary
It's terrifying
The things you used to love
no longer bring you joy
The people who once knew you
now view you as a stranger
and they make comments about how you're not the same
and you agree with them yet there is nothing you can do
to change the way things are now
Nothing looks the same
Nothing sounds the same
Nothing tastes the same
Nothing feels the same
You try to so hard to be the person you were
before your world was blown up
again by an experience all human beings face
at one point or another
For some reason though the experience changed you
in such a profound way you can't begin to explain it
You want to put into words how terrifying it is
to look in the mirror and no longer recognize yourself
You think you have an answer to the problem
You think "it's just depression.
I've been here before
so everything will be okay"
Yet you know to your core it's not depression
It is a death to the parts of you
that no longer have a place in your life
It's frustrating because you didn't choose this
You didn't want this
You weren't prepared for this but then again
no one is ever truly prepared for death
physical or otherwise
So what do you when you've died but you're still here physically?
How do you grieve the old you
when all you want is to hold onto yourself that is so familiar
yet you know there is so much more to your future self
than your past self could ever provide?
How do you heal from something so common
but to you it's world devastation?
How do you start over with a fresh perspective
with the ones you love are grieving the old you too?
They know you're not the same
Their lives have been shaped too
When I used to think of dying
I thought it was the most horrific thing in the world
and it is
What if death isn't always as horrific as we make it out to be?
What if the grief I'm deeply experiencing is the slow
birth to a version of me I could never be without this grief
and pain that has seemed to take control of my life
like a puppet on strings?
What if this grief is giving me the opportunity to love others
in a way I've never been able to before?
What if it's strengthening me to face fears
that will take me to a life I've spent years dreaming of?
Maybe everything I thought I knew turned out to be *******
and I'm just a tortured writer trying to make sense of a world
in total chaos
All I know is that I'm still here physically
I am still breathing and feeling
I am not dead
I am being reborn
and as doubtful as grief attempts to make me
I have high hopes that everything will be okay eventually

Jun 2020 · 122
Change and Letting Go
I used to think it was important to save relationships with people
who I knew deep in my soul were no longer meant to be in my life.
It's harder when its a family member but I would rather be surrounded
by people who love me so much it's hard for me to comprehend
than force myself to be around people who truly dont care about me at all.
When you love yourself and respect yourself,
I mean truly love and respect yourself, you will have no problem
cutting ties with people who no longer help you grow as a person.
Is it painful?
Yes. It's a heartbreak.
Is is lonely?
Yes. Change is supposed to be uncomfortable.
Does it make room for people who will love you in a healthy way
and present opportunities for you to shine
and take you on adventures too magical for the mind to understand?
Yes. With every loss comes a gain you never expected.
Will it happen overnight? No.
So what do you do? You grieve, you feel, you cry, you get angry,
you fall apart and you embrace being uncomfortable for a little while.
Then one day you realize you have the opportunity to start over,
to rebuild, to rediscover yourself and before you know it you're smiling again.
You're creating art, you're dancing in the rain and laughing so hard it hurts.
You look at yourself in the mirror
and think "wow! What was supposed to break me didn't and I feel good."
Sometimes making the choice to let go of someone toxic
is the best thing you can do for yourself.
It's never easy but its extremely rewarding in the end.
I promise you that.
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders 💙
Vader the black nosed pitbull
had a very lovely smile
and if you ever saw him
you would stare for quite awhile
All of the other pitbulls
laughed at him because of his size
they wanted nothing to do with him
but boy were they in for a surprise
Then one day in Bullhead City
a man gave Vader a home
They left the pound with joy in their hearts
and now Vader was no longer alone
Now Vader has a family
and they're all filled with glee
Vader the black nosed pitbull
is the best dog in history
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: December. 5, 2019 Thursday 9:07 a.m.
Oct 2019 · 168
This Disgusting Body
This body that I'm in disgusts me so much
I can't stand the flab I carry
I hate that my thighs touch
The stretch marks that spread out on my tummy
are purple reminders of how ugly I am
Any time I'm naked
I'm repulsed by the sight of them
The acne on my skin just makes me sick
I can't put anything on my skin without breaking out
and I hate it
The double chin that seems to get bigger
every time I shove food in my face
Reminds me that I'm a fat ***
who takes up too much space
The number on the scale reads 179
I should feel proud yet I want to hide
All I hear in my head is "LOSE MORE WEIGHT!"
I pretend that I'm okay
but inside I'm full of self hate
My ***** are the worst
they're sacks of disappointment
I've never nursed a child
yet they're saggy as can be
My back fat is so apparent
I want to wear the biggest sweater I can find
so no one knows about it other than me
The wrinkles around my eyes are proof
that I'm getting older now
The spider veins that are beginning to show
tell me I'm washed up
Every time I look in the mirror
apart of me dies a little more
I just want to be beautiful
is that too much to ask for
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: October. 8, 2019 Tuesday 8: 36 a.m
Jul 2019 · 211
I Check No
Now that's something I haven't thought about in a long time
yet lately it's all I think about
I think about that moment when I can end it all
All of the pain I feel inside will just disappear
and I can finally have the peace I so desperately crave
Lately I feel so empty
I feel like I've run out of love that use to fill my soul
to the point I had no choice but to share it
Now I'm empty
and it scares me
My passions have faded away
My longing for human touch has turned into a stone wall
that I fear Jesus can't even break through it
All my dreams are now in bedded into tears
that claw at my face during moments I should be laughing
The pain I feel lately is so new to me
and I don't know how to make it go away
It stabs at me like a million knives butchering away
and I'm left fighting for my life as I bleed to death
I'm crawling to nowhere and when I've had enough
and I feel like I can no longer breathe I fall asleep
not giving a **** if death has plans to claim me
Then I get up and I relive the pain all over again
Some might read my work and think
"**** this woman is so selfish  
there is absolutely nothing that horrible going on in her life
to make her feel this way"
Maybe they're right
Maybe I am selfish
If they could only step into my skin and feel all that I feel
they wouldn't be able to handle it
Maybe they could
I don't know
What I do know is I am tired of fighting
I'm so sick of fighting my way through
just to end up where I started many years ago
To think this battle for my life and sanity
started when I was just 13 years old
If you told me that this would still be my battle 14 years later
I would have laughed in your face
Suicide it's like an evil that leaves a note on your door
in your weakest moments
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no every time
but I've been tempted to check yes
Just when I think I'm close to doing it
I suddenly feel this burst of pain that almost burns my insides
I close my eyes as I curl into a ball
and I see flashes of battles I've won in the past
I see myself with metaphorical swords
and I see my negative thoughts with heartbeats going down
one by one
As I scream in pain I am reminded that I am alive
I have a purpose and I won't find it crawling on the ground
So I pick up my sword and I fight
Every negative comment I recieve I slash in two
Every hand that has ever been laid on me leaving a bruise
I chop to pieces
Every negative experience that tried to **** me I slash it's throat
and I fight
AND I FIGHT because I am a warrior
and warriors don't give up
I may be bleeding from places I never knew I could
but I'm breathing
My muscles may be sore all over
but I'm standing
My thoughts can shout out all of the reasons
as to why I should give up
but I'm still here
I choose life
I choose to live
I choose to hold my sword tightly
and use it as a reminder of how far I've come
My scares may be ugly
but they resemble the darkest parts of hell I've faced
and overcome
My heart may be bruised a bit
but it's my compass to my next journey
and it's still beating like it's never been hit
Suicide can leave me as many notes as it wants to
my answer will never change
I'll scream it if I have to
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July. 20, 2019 Saturday 6:35 PM
I called him around midnight asking him to come over
I said "I don't mean to bother you but I'm feeling blue and
we don't need to have *** but I need some kind of human touch
before I go insane"
He didn't hesitate and he was at my door by 12:15 am
I opened that door so quick I thought I was losing it
I wrapped my arms around him and he held me tight
I took in his scent and closed my eyes
and as his hands gently caressed my back
I felt all of my anxiety melt away
I didn't want him to let go of me
I wanted him to stay
We laid on my bed our legs intertwined as we were face to face
I was in my underwear and t-shirt
he was in his jeans but I could feel that he wanted me
I asked him "do you want to have *** with me?"
He put his left hand on my face and said
"I won't lie
I absolutely want to have *** with you right now
but that's not all I want
I want to wake up and make you coffee as you sleep in
but it's my bed I want you to wake up in every morning
I want to walk on the beach like we sometimes do as the sun sets
but I want to be able to hold your hand and tell you how beautiful
I think you look when the wind forces your hair to be out of your face
I want to argue with you when you're being irrational
and when you tell me to leave I'll say no because I don't run away
from what I truly want even when things get difficult
I want to kiss you in the rain
and hold you in my arms while we watch movies on the couch
I want to be able to tell you each and every day how incredible
I think you are even though you don't think so
and one day I'd like to give you my last name so I can spend
the rest of my life making you laugh and smile
If I can't have any of that with you
then I don't want to have *** with you"
I looked at him then kissed him on the lips at 4:05 am
it felt like the most natural thing in the world
I didn't feel scared, doubtful or insecure
I felt safe, confident and in love
I turned over and put his arm around my waist
I told him how I liked my coffee
and as he snuggled closer to me
I could feel the smile on his face
WRITTEN BY:Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 26, 2019 Sunday 10:45 pm
Mar 2019 · 191
Love Letter To My Poetry
I missed you
I know that we haven't spoken in awhile
and that's my fault
When my soul is in agony
I have a tendency to lock myself away from the world
because I fear that my emotional pain
is too much for anyone to handle
That's not how it used to be with us though
When I was sad I came to you
You would hold your arms out wide
as I fell into them
You would hold me as I cried against your shoulder
When my arms were stained red from bleeding
after tearing up my arms with a razor
you were there to wrap my arms in bandages
and you would kiss my wounds as if
kissing them would make them disappear
I told you my deepest secrets
and you've kept every one
I shared with you my darkest thoughts
and you never grew afraid of me
You loved me when my stomach was hungry
because I refused to eat when I thought 145
pounds was too fat
I was rotting away in every way possible
yet you managed to breathe life into me every time
I remember when I first told you I wanted to **** myself
you took my hand and squeezed it hard
You reminded me that the air I was breathing was a gift
and to never take it for granted
You found me when I was broken
You shared my journey and hit rock bottom
every time I did too
When I was too angry to talk to you
you never got upset
You waited patiently for me to come to my senses
We spent every moment together
You were my life line at one point
but as time went on and I got better
we began to drift apart
Everyday conversations turned into every other day
which turned into every other week
and eventually into every other month
Then a year passed and we didn't speak once
I felt guilty about it
but I felt like I didn't need you anymore
I thought the universe brought us together
because it knew I was in pain
I had no one to turn to
and you gave me everything
I knew how to love you in sadness
but no clue how to love you in happiness
I missed you to the point I felt lost
as if a part of me had died
Then in the blink of an eye on a great Sunny day
I found you waiting for me
with a big smile on your face
I ran up to you and took your hand
and my heart immediately knew
that through the good times and the bad times
I was meant to be with you
As I sit here writing this out
tears are slowly streaming down my face
It feels so good to share with you everything I feel
as if we were back in that place
that walk in closet in the house on 28th street
where 12 years ago you found me
I fell in love with the greatest thing on earth
I fell in love with writing poetry
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: March. 14, 2019 Thursday 4:49 PM
Feb 2019 · 252
I'm going to tell you something that I feel
is the most important thing I can tell anybody
You are more than good enough
I know people are tired of hearing me say it
but I will never stop until it's imprinted so deeply in your mind
it almost becomes the only thing you can think about
You are good enough
You are beautiful
You are handsome
You have a heart of gold
The love you have deep inside you is not a curse
You have a purpose on this earth
Your life matters
It more than matters it is needed
You were created to fulfill a purpose on this earth
and anyone you meet on your journey through life
that can't grasp how incredibly amazing you are
then they got to go
They serve no purpose for you
You deserve to be seen
You deserve to be heard
You deserve to be complimented
You deserve to be cared for
You deserve to be respected
You deserve to be acknowledged
You deserve to be loved
If you are constantly giving to the point
you're beginning to feel empty
then something needs to change
You deserve to be treated with the same compassion
you give out to other people
You don't need to beg for it
You're not a bad person because you want to be treated
like you matter
You are not a bad person for wanting to be loved
and treated like greatness
It doesn't have to be from someone romantic
If someone cares for you they will never cause you
to question where you stand in any of your relationships
be it family, friendship or romantic
Hear me again
and if it makes you feel uncomfortable good
It's clear you don't hear this enough
and that needs to change starting today
You are important
You matter
You deserve love
You don't have to change who you are
for people to accept you
The people who truly respect you
are never going to try to change you
You deserve to be around people
who make you feel great about yourself
all of the time
You are enough
You are enough
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: February. 18, 2019 Monday 6: 06 PM
Feb 2019 · 174
Her and No One Else
He is troubled
He is in love with a woman he believes
is too far out of reach
All he has to do is reach out
and she will gladly take his hand in hers
He watches her from afar
and every time she smiles his heart
skips so many beats to the point it hurts
He adores the way she sips her coffee
as if it's the best thing she's ever tasted
He wants to change that
by making her fall in love with his kisses
He loves the way she tells stories
meant to be five minutes long
She always gets distracted by another memory
and he doesn't mind it at all
He likes how he feels when he's around her
he doesn't have to be anyone other than himself
He can let down his walls
and nothing else matters
He watches her put on her jacket
and he wants to be the one to keep her warm
He wants to take her in his arms
and never let her go
He wants the sound of her voice
to never leave his ears
He wants to keep her laughing so hard that
she has no choice but to fall against his shoulder
and when she does he will get goosebumps
from her touch and he won't mind at all
He is in love with this woman
He wants her or no one at all
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: February. 8, 2019 Friday 3:26 AM
Jan 2019 · 155
Goodbye For Now (Maybe)
I've been doing some thinking
and I've come to the decision
that it's time I let you go
We broke apart a long time ago
We tried to fix what was broken
but we can't
We are not a good match
We only continue to disappoint each other
instead of make each other proud
You are so convinced that you are unworthy to be loved
and the more I love you
the more I get hurt because you push me away every time
I can't make you accept my love
I can't open your eyes and force you to see
that everything you want is standing right in front of you
I can't keep loving someone
who clearly doesn't love me back
I thought with time apart
we would get a better understanding of what went wrong
so maybe we could mend things
The truth is we outgrew each other
I wanted more
you wanted less
I saw you as the most wonderful human being
one could lay their eyes on
you saw me as not good enough
I loved you passionately
you loved me enough to put a smile on my face
then fear crept in and told you all of the reasons
it wouldn't work out and you listened
I'd like to think we're meant to be
My soul has never collided with another's
so perfectly it was like magic
No one has ever saw into the depths of me
and chose to stay
and love the parts of me that never knew love
Maybe in the future we are different
I won't love so intensely
and you won't be so intimidated
by the fact that someone loves you
without ulterior motive
Maybe over time we will find our way back to each other
but until then I have to let you go
I love you with every piece of my existence
I promise you that will never change
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 31, 2019 Thursday 2:55 AM
Jan 2019 · 213
In Case You Were Wondering
Another night without you
lying here wishing I had you next to me
Another star goes by
I make a wish and hope with all my heart
it comes true
I've never wanted anything or anyone
as badly as I want you
I know that I'm probably not on your mind
but you're on mine all the **** time
If you ever feel alone
if you feel your world coming undone
Don't ever think for a second
that nobody loves you
If you're doubting your existence
don't let your mind tell you that you don't matter
Someone out there wants you to know
how special you are
In case you were wondering
that person is me
If I could give you anything
I'd give you my heart
I'd give you the moon
the stars
even heaven itself
I love you so much
in case you were wondering
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 23, 2019 Wednesday 4:45 PM
Jan 2019 · 212
Before You Had A Heartbeat
I had a heart to heart with the Lord today
I was crying uncontrollably
I was telling the Lord about how badly
my heart was breaking
I told him I felt so unloved
lost and unwanted
I told him I felt like my life
didn't have a purpose
In the middle of my crying
I felt a hand on my shoulder
I felt a peace come over my soul
and I heard a voice in my ear
It said "my child
do you not have a clue
how much you mean to me
I knew you existed before you were conceived
I loved you before you even had a heartbeat
My plans for you go further
than you could ever dream
You never have to feel alone
because I keep you so very close to me
If you could only feel the pride I have for you
you bring me so much joy in everything you do
I created you in my image
you are perfect to me
It's time you opened up your heart
so you can begin to see what I see
You matter so much to me my child
you are wanted everyday
Whenever you call out my name
I never hesitate to come your way
I love spending time with you
I never tire of hearing you speak
and when you come to me with a problem
I never see you as weak
It brings me joy to know you trust in me
just like I trust in you
I admire all that you are
I will never abandon you
Child wipe your tears
let me turn them into joy
There is so much you have yet to see
I can't wait to show you one day
You are a child of God
you are here for a reason
I know that you are hurting
but you will make it through this season
Never forget who created you
you are treasured unconditionally
Remember I knew you existed
before you were conceived
I loved you
before you even had a heartbeat"
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 22, 2019 Tuesday 7:55 PM
Jan 2019 · 239
She Grew Tired
She grew tired
She grew tired of listening to people complain
about what they wanted
when all they wanted was standing right there
in front of them
She grew tired of reaching out
only you be ignored
She grew tired of hoping people would change
when internally she knew they never would
because change is scary and no one faces
their fears anymore
She grew tired of trying to be strong for everyone else
when no one would be there for her
She grew tired of longing to hear the words "you're beautiful"
"I'm really glad you're around" or "I'm proud of you"
She grew tired of giving so much
and getting nothing back
She grew tired of crying because all crying ever did
was make her face hurt
She grew tired of believing she would get her hearts desire
when reality gave her definitive proof
that she would never get what she wanted
She grew tired of pouring out her feelings
for those who had no interest in listening
She grew tired of being around people
who refused to see her true worth
She grew tired of trying to live a life of light
in a world that turned dark so long ago
She grew tried of aching for human touch
while she fell asleep at night
She grew tired of being a temporary choice
when she treated everyone else like royalty
She grew tired of never being good enough
She grew tired of being kept at a distance
She grew tired of wanting
when she did her best to make sure everyone else
got what they needed
She grew tired when she became empty
and there was no one there to help her
feel whole again
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 19, 2019 Saturday 11:18 AM
Jan 2019 · 279
My Muse
I was looking at you today
and I thought to myself
"wow he is truly the most handsome man
I have ever laid eyes on"
Then you looked up
and my heart just grew bigger
I felt your eyes on my soul
and I thought to myself
"gosh I love it when he looks at me
please don't ever stop"
I get nervous being close to you
because your skin against mine
feels like a dream I never thought would come true
You excite me
You surprise me
You amaze me
You make me blush like crazy
You make me laugh
You make me happy
So smile away
and keep looking at me
I won't ever get tired of admiring you
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 18, 2019 Friday 8:45 PM
Jan 2019 · 396
I loved you
I loved you with a passion so strong
I was convinced it would **** me if I wasn't careful
I saw a future with you
The future I saw was so beautiful
no novel, no painting
no song, no photograph
could capture in perfect detail what I saw
There was so much I wanted with you
I wanted the makeout sessions in a room full of candlelight
I wanted to wear my best lipstick
with a tight dress and not feel insecure
when you stared at me in wonder
I wanted to let you strip me naked
and make love to me with the lights on
while letting you touch my most insecure places
and it would be okay because you found me
to be beautiful no matter what
I wanted to meet your family
and see where you came from
I wanted to answer the hard questions
your family would of asked me
to determine if I was the person worthy enough
to possibly spend your future with
I wanted the cheesy compliments
the late night fast food runs
and the petty arguments when we were both too tired
I wanted to say "yes" in tears
while you placed a diamond on my finger
and I wanted to say "I do" in a room full of people
as we came together as one
I wanted to live with you in a big house
we would deck out for the holidays
and one day fill with babies who were made up
of pure love created by you and me
I wanted to gain wrinkles and gray hair with you
as we reminisced about all of the things
we accomplished together
I wanted all of that
I wanted it so badly I could taste it
but I got scared
I felt it all
I saw it all
I knew all that I wanted with you was possible
and I freaked out
I panicked
I shut down and pushed you away
knowing deep inside I was throwing away
every dream I had with you
I began making excuses of why I
wasn't good enough to be be all of the things
we both knew I would be great at
I allowed my insecurities to take over
and keep you from loving me
the way you wanted to love me
You were patient with me
You tried to be understanding
until you had enough
You let me go and you had every right to
You once told me that loving me
was your favorite thing to do
You wanted to build with me
grow with me and share your life with me
You couldn't wait to make certain dreams come true
You were so happy
until I broke you
I broke your dreams
I broke our dreams because I was scared
If I could go back in time
I wouldn't turn away everytime you tried to kiss me in public
I wouldn't stop you from running your hands on my body
as I got dressed for bed
I wouldn't make excuses not to meet your family
when I had the opportunity to
I wouldn't have switched the topic
whenever you brought up marriage and children
I wouldn't have allowed my insecurities
to convince me that every wonderful thing
you said to me was a lie
I would let you love me
and stop trying to control everything
I wouldn't allow my fear of happiness
to build up the walls that would eventually
tear us apart
If I had a second chance with you
I would take it in a heartbeat
I wouldn't run
I'd stay and love you
the way I have always wanted to love you
WRITTEN. BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 17, 2019 Thursday 5:10 PM
Jan 2019 · 182
In Love and Petrified
He loves her
He loves her so deep it terrifies him
She is everything he has ever wanted in a woman
She challenges him
She makes him laugh
She listens to his words with patience and understanding
She compliments him
He thinks he's not good looking
but in her eyes he's magnificent
She causes him to dream about things he gave up wanting
out of fear history would repeat itself
and tear him apart
She doesn't fool around with other men
because she only wants one
He wants to touch her
He wants to smell her hair
kiss her neck
then take her to bed
He wants to love on her all night
and make breakfast for her in the morning
He wants a future with her
He had her once before
but he let her go because of fear
and he regrets it
He knows she'll wait for him
but he's worried she will get tired of waiting
She deserves so much
but he feels he has nothing to offer her
even though he has everything she needs and more
When she is by his side nothing else matters
He wants to tell her how he feels
He wants the regret to stop eating away at him
He wants to go back in time to the night he lied
and told her "I don't love you anymore"
He wants to stop her from walking out the front door
leaving him alone with the choice he made

His door bell rings
He asked her to come over so he could talk to her
He has no idea what her reaction will be
when he tells her he's still in love with her
His heart is pounding
His palms are sweaty
The door bell ring again
He takes a deep breath and opens the door
There she is
The most beautiful woman he has ever seen
She says his name and he melts
As he hugs her he prays that when the night is over
he has finally told her the truth
and he hopes to God she feels the same way
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 12, 2019 Saturday 8:22 PM
She was sitting on the roof of her house
in 40° weather just looking at the stars
and enjoying the stillness of the Winter night
He sat down next to her
admiring her beauty under the moonlight
and he smiled to himself as he imagined himself kissing her cheek
He has loved this girl for years
yet timing was never on his side
He cleared his throat and asked her
"you thinking about your future soul mate?"
She looked at him and answered
"I don't believe in soul mates anymore"
Her answer shocked him
She was always the hopeless romantic
She was always the one who still held on to hope
even when her heart felt like it was in a million pieces
She continued to be the dreamer
Even when everyone else told her she was silly
to believe in the ridiculous things
Trying his best not to let her see his shock he asked her
"since when do you not believe in soulmates?"
She was quiet for a second then answered
"I stopped believing in soul mates once I came to the conclusion
that I do much better on my own
All of the love I gave to other men it was either never enough
or too much and I'm tired of trying to figure out
the right way to love someone only to get dumped
over and over again
I'm not playing the pity card
I'm just being honest
I don't believe I have a soul mate
and I'm okay with that
I'm less likely to get disappointed now"
He sat next to her wishing he could tell her
how much he loved her
He adored how she looked when she woke up in the morning with her messy hair and no makeup on
He loved how she smelled of roses even on a rainy day
and how he felt like he was home every time he hugged her
Hearing all that she said he felt hurt
He felt rejected even though he had no reason to
He looked at her once more and said
"I really hope your belief on soul mates comes back one day"
With a half smile she looked at him and said "me too"
She went back to looking at the stars
and he continued to admire her beauty under the moonlight
The more he stared at her the more he fell in love
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 3, 2019 Thursday 8:59 P.M.
Dec 2018 · 122
Let The Magic Begin
A snowflake fell quietly on the fingertips of her right hand
As she watched it drift down from the sky
she waited for it to disappear once it touched her skin
However once the snowflake landed it never disappeared
In the blink of an eye all around her she watched the snow rise from the ground
and as it began to spin in a circle she felt herself fighting to stand still
Before she knew it the snow was spinning so violently
she couldn't see through it
Her hair was waving wildly
fresh snow was hitting her skin so hard
it felt like mini razor blades sliding against her pores
As she tried to look for a way through the snow
she quickly came to the conclusion there was no way out of what was happening
She had to let it pass
whatever this was she had to release all control
and trust that this snow would find rest eventually
Slowly the snow started the die down
and it finally fell back to the ground
She stood there trying to catch her breath
as her legs groaned in pain from struggling to stand still
As she began to see around her without trouble
she realized nothing had changed
Everything around her looked exactly the same
She looked down at her right hand
On her fingertips where the snowflake fell was a note
written on pink paper that smelled of sugar plums
It said "the storm you were walking through has finally ended
Your next chapter in life is about to begin
and this chapter will be an exciting one
Let the magic begin
Merry Christmas"
As she read the last word the note disolved into dust
and even though nothing changed physically
somehow the world looked a little bit different anyways
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: December. 3, 2018 Monday 8:04 A.M.
Jul 2018 · 220
Waves Collide
I watched two waves collide into each other
while I was at the ocean
and it reminded me of how beautiful it is when two people
come together as one
They say that it's impossible for two people
to spend the rest of their lives with each other
but I beg to differ
I've never been married
I've never made it past a year in a half in a relationship
yet my belief in love is so strong
and I honestly don't know where that comes from
I used to blame the movies
I used to blame the poetry
I used to blame songs but when I imagine
taking all of those things away and not allowing
any of those things to influence my beliefs in love
No matter how bad the circumstances are around me
no matter how broken I may feel because a certain individual
hurts my feelings and makes me cry
I still cannot let go of my belief in true love
and I don't ever want to
So I stood at the ocean
watching two waves collide with one another
as two waves became one
and I was reminded that it is possible for two people to find each other
fall in love and be together for the rest of their lives
It was so beautiful that I cired
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July. 8, 2018 Sunday 6:50 PM
It can be hard sometimes to see your friends
moving on in their lives in ways you wish you could
Some are getting engaged
some are getting married
some are having their first baby
some are already on their third baby
It's not that you are not happy for them because you are
you are ecstatic and you are probably the person they laugh at
for being extremely excited for the happiness in their lives
It's not that you are not satisfied in your life
you love where you are because you know this is where you need to be
but sometimes you can't help but look around and think
"when will my time come?
When will I meet the one who is going to choose to
spend the rest of his life with me?
When will I get to cry at the sight of a beautiful ring?
When will I have the opportunity to stand in front of my loved ones
and declare my love for one person?
When will I get to bring a child of my own into the world?
When will I get to wake up to little arms wanting a hug as they call me mommy?"
Sometimes I feel like the universe is punishing me
because at one point in my life I was so certain I didn't want to be married
I never wanted kids
I never wanted to take the risk of giving my heart away
and trusting someone to not break it
I never wanted to give up my sleeping in however late I want
for having to wake up early in the morning for feedings
and tantrums
I never wanted to sacrifice my body to carry a child
that I would have to be responsible for the rest of my life
I never thought I was good enough to be with someone forever
I always thought I was too messed up in the head to love and guide
another human being into being whoever their heart desired
I was so sure I wanted to live my life alone
without any distractions
Now I changed my mind
I am by myself and I hate not having anyone to come home to
I have all of this freedom and all I want to do is let it go
and be needed
be wanted and share this intense I swear to God it will **** me
love I have inside with someone who will bring out the very
best in me
I don't want to be married tomorrow
I don't want to be a mom tomorrow
but sometimes I feel like I am in competition with everyone
and I hate it
I wish I never wished for the things I did
I wish I wasn't so scared to put myself out there
and I wish I never spent so many years doubting the one thing
I know I would kick *** at
and that's being a mother
I have a long way to go as far as working on myself
and I am not unhappy with my life
I lack patience and sometimes the excitement of
all of the wonderful possibilities my future holds
that haven't happened yet cause me to become so impatient
that I convince myself that certain dreams won't ever come true
I don't want to rush things
I want to enjoy the journey of falling in love
and becoming a parent
Some may think I am crazy and a little bit unrealistic
but I believe in my heart that those things are out there for me
I can't explain the feeling
I just know in my deepest heart it will happen
and when it does I will be so grateful for everything working out
in it's own time
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July. 7, 2018 Saturday 9:52 PM
Jul 2018 · 307
More Than Stars
Touch me
Don't say a single word
just touch me and I will prove to you
that you are made of stars
You were created by God
who happens to be the most amazing artist
because he made you
From the lines on your face to your pounding heart
he made you and I get the absolute pleasure
of looking at you anytime I want to
You are made of more than stars
You are made of wonder
and magic
and of love
A love so pure and incredible
I have to pinch myself to make sure
that I'm not dreaming
You are made up of magic
You hold inside of you the key to my heart
You were made for me
and I was made for you
Whenever we kiss I am more convinced
we were meant for each other
Just when the world had me convinced
you didn't exist you showed up
and proved them wrong
You proved me wrong
I thought the one for me was lost
but you found me at just the right time
You are the other half of me I have been searching for
So touch me
Put your hand to mine and I'll prove to you
that you are made of more than stars
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July. 6, 2018 Friday 2:08 AM
Jul 2018 · 219
Fourth Of July Romance
There are fireworks high in the sky tonight
and out of 7.6 billion people in the world
I get to share them with you
While everyone is looking at the colors red, white and blue
I get the pleasure of looking into your hazel eyes
and smile as they sparkle while each firework goes off
With every expression you make
my heart gets bigger as my love and adoration for you grows
You could be sitting on this beach with any other man in the world
and you chose to spend the Fourth of July with me
As I kiss your cheek I can smell the sand in your hair
from when you were lying under the sun and you laughed
at some ridiculous joke I made
You asked me to hold you as the waves hugged our feet
and the ocean put on a show that I swear was made for
only us to see
I am so lucky to be sitting next to you right now
I wish this night never had to end
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July. 4, 2018 Wednesday 9:00 PM
Jul 2018 · 176
Disappointment (Maybe)
Someone once told me that God didn't create humans
to walk the earth alone
He made us to come together as one with someone else
to grow and walk through life with
I've been around human beings since I took my very first breath
and honestly I still struggle to see why human interaction
is way better than loneliness
Being around people drains me sometimes
to the point I wish I didn't exist at all
Sometimes I wish I had the ability to numb myself
so I couldn't feel anything
Feeling leads you to make choices that only hurt you
in the end
Maybe it's because I am the black sheep in my family
and it's the golden rule that the black sheep is the one
that should be **** on periodically
Maybe I am just a gullible idiot for believing that for once
in my ******* life I can trust someone who will never let me down
Maybe I am insane for hoping and praying to be different
to do things different so I don't end up miserable and hating
every second of my life when I'm old
Maybe it's not other people
Maybe I am the one incapable of handling other human beings
because my whole life has been disappointment after disappointment
Maybe I am the problem
Maybe my constant fear of being shoved away like garbage
once a person sees my true colors is what causes me
to self sabotage anything good that comes my way
Maybe I do self sabotage my happiness
but maybe I wasn't meant for it
Maybe when I was born the Lord forgot to write my happy ending
where everything works out and I don't have to worry about
being let down anymore
Maybe I am finally realizing that all of the good
I had once believed in were just fantasies I cooked up in my head
as a little girl to cope with another beating I got for breathing too loudly
Maybe my fantasies were so great I actually lost my mind
by believing I deserve all of the things most people don't ever
dare to dream about
Maybe I am always going to be the one
who wishes she could be better
yet continues to ruin everything she touches
Maybe it's not other people who are a disappointment
Maybe it's me
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July. 4, 2018 Wednesday 8:03 PM
Looking into this mirror
picking out the things I hate about myself
when I should be loving myself
Feeling so tired of having no energy
when it's my negativity
stealing my joy from me
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another morning
thinking I'm not pretty
when in fact I'm pretty

Sitting next to a man
he's so gorgeous and those eyes I can stare into them for eternity
I'd like to kiss him and ask him out for a coffee
but I worry I'm not good enough to be with a man like him
I complain that I'm lonely
but I don't take the chance to let someone in
and let them love me unconditionally
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I'm not good enough for anyone
when in fact I'm more than good enough

Lying in my bed at night
thinking of the scars I made on my skin
feeling ashamed for some choices that I made in my past
At the same time though those choices I made
paved the way for me to become a better me
I never give myself credit
for overcoming demons I thought would one day **** me
I'm so quick to bash myself
but I never love myself and that's gotta change
because I can't love anyone else unless I can love myself too
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I'm some mistake
when I'm here for a reason

I don't want to waste away my life
giving into negativity and self hate
when I deserve way more than that
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter

Don't you dare spend another day
thinking you don't matter
because you matter
You more than matter
You are loved
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July. 2, 2018 Monday 7:37 PM
Jun 2018 · 211
He sat down in front of me with shaky hands and said

"There's this girl I know
she is unbelievably beautiful
Whenever I look at her I forget how to breathe
and when she smiles
Oh my God when she smiles
my world gets a little brighter
She always knows the right thing to say
whenever I'm feeling down
It's like she can read my thoughts
I can tell her anything
and it doesn't matter how crazy I sound
she just listens and reassures me everything will be okay
and I believe her when she says that
because she doesn't make me feel ashamed of myself
She sees both the good and bad in me
yet she doesn't run away
She has seen me angry and she does all she can to calm me down
Whenever I am with her I want to hold her
Every time she calls my name I want to kiss her
and ask her to say it again
I dream about her and it's always the same dream
she is lying in bed next to me just looking at me
and I just look back at her breathless and when I wake up
I want so badly to fall back to sleep so I can feel her next to me
one more time
She is everything I ever dreamed of
and I fear I missed out on my chance to be with her
I need to tell her how I feel but if she doesn't feel the same way
although it will crush me but I won't be angry
I would rather have her as my friend than nothing at all
I just don't know how she will respond to all of this"

I took in a deep breath and processed what I just heard
With the best wisdom I can come up with I told him
"You need to tell her that you feel this way
word for word
no holding back
She deserves to know how you feel
so tell her"

With innocent fear in his eyes he looked me straight in the eye
and said "I already did"
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: June. 26, 2018 Tuesday 9:10 PM
Imagining a life without love
is like opening the door to depression
and asking depression to spend the
rest of it's life with you
I went through a period in my life
where I gave up on loving anyone or anything
I was so fed up with getting my heart broken,
not just by men but friends and relatives too,
that I became this emotionally, empty,
unhappy person
I was so miserable and angry that  without realizing it
I began to build up walls around myself
and my heart because I thought I was safer that way
I may have been safe but I was lonely
I was so lonely I became suicidal
and I had no one to blame but myself
I've learned that if I spend so much time
worrying about the "what could go wrong" situations
that I am missing out on potential happiness
waiting to enter my life and bring me
the best joy I could ever know
I've also learned that heartbreak of any kind,
although it can be agonizing,
can open doors to people and adventures
I never knew I needed in my life
I have a deeper respect for relationships of any kind
I am more willing now to put aside my stubborness
and compromise more because I have a deeper appreciation
for people and their differences
I've felt the pain one can experience with love
and I've also felt the joy
The joy outweighs the pain every single time
I will never make the mistake to push love away ever again
Love is something no human being
can live without
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: June. 22, 2018 Friday 8:43 AM
Jun 2018 · 229
It All Makes Sense Now
Seeing you for the first time
was like walking on air
after years of struggling just to take one single step
Touching you was like waking up from a nightmare
I had been trapped in
for what felt like an eternity
Hearing your laugh
was like listening to my favorite band for the first time
through headphones and feeling my heart
beat so fast I thought it would explode
Seeing your smile
was like falling off of a cliff
and landing on a bed of roses in a field made of stars
Hugging you was like taking a breath
after suffocating for so long
Kissing you was like fireworks on the fourth of July
with the warmth of Christmas
and the anxiousness of Halloween
Hearing you say "I love you"
was like coming home
and all of the pain I endured in my past
finally made sense
It all led me to you
a dream come true
It all led me to you
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: June. 14, 2018 Thursday 7:08 PM
Jun 2018 · 238
I Believe In Myself
Can this be the moment
that I finally realize what I want in my life?
Can this be the moment
that I finally get the chance at happiness?
I may be just a person
with no superhero abilities
like the ones you see on TV
I may be a nobody
but I got dreams as big as the sky
that no one can see
I may be 5.4 physically
but my soul has no limit
to what I can achieve
I may struggle on the daily
but I still wake up thinking something great will happen to me
I can't live without hope
I can't live without faith
I can't live my life thinking that this is it for me
I can't hate myself and expect to be the best for someone
out there who can potentially love me unconditionally
I'm not perfect
but I'm human
and that's all I want to be
I want to feel everything intensely
and not care who is laughing at me
I am strong in ways
I never give myself credit for
and it's not right that I treat myself like I'm not as important
as all of the people in my life that I would die for in an instant
Who will die for me?
I'm going to be somebody one day
I'm going to have my own fairy tale
and it will be messy
and it will be everything I dreamed of
and I won't want to change a thing about it
I gotta believe in what I want
it's hard but I'm learning to trust in life each day
If I can believe in everyone else then I sure as hell can believe in me
I will get my moment
I will get my hearts desire when I least expect it
I just gotta believe in it
I do believe in it
and I believe in myself
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: June. 2, 2018 Saturday 4:07 PM
I thought about overdosing on some pills today
it's been awhile since I've wanted to do something like that
I feel so guilty for allowing myself to go to such a dark place
but lately it's all I think about
I'm just so sad all of the time
I struggle everyday to keep myself afloat
and I don't think anyone understands how lonely
and terrifying that is
I feel like such a hypocrite for pretending to be happy
when in actuality I am miserable
I just don't see the point of anything anymore
and I don't understand why
I am so young
I am so talented in ways I never give myself credit for
I have family and friends who love me
I have been lucky to grow close to a man
who would take a bullet for me without hesitation
and still it's not enough
Something is missing and I can't figure out what it is
I don't want to die
but I don't want to be sad either
It seems so impossible yet it's true
I am caught between wanting to live so badly it hurts
and wanting to die
I can't understand it
I don't know how I got here
I don't know how to fix the way that I feel
What I do know is doing this by myself is not the best choice anymore
I can't do this on my own
and I don't want to
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 28, 2018 Monday 10:01 PM
May 2018 · 302
Do One Thing For Me
I used to think the world was a scary place
until I imagined myself not being a part of it
When I was a teenager all I wanted to do was die
I never realized how selfish I was being
until I found something worth living for
I fell in love with writing at age 14
and its been a love affair I wouldn't give up for anything
Through my love for writing I have been able to face demons
and suffer through heartbreaks I never thought I would overcome
Writing is a gift I always feared to share with the world
and I still have no idea why
I regret that now
and I've learned that the only way to let go of regret
is to finally face what has me so scared
I've always wanted to die knowing I made some kind of difference
However I can't make a difference
if I don't do the one thing no one else can do
and that's be me in every way possible
The thing about writing is you can't hide who you really are
The parts of you that you try to hide
always find their way to the surface
and it's those things you try to hide
that make up the most beautiful parts of you
All of the things you think have broken you
have made you stronger
All of the people who have hurt you
have only taught you the meaning of true love
All of the mistakes you made that you can't let go of
they don't hold you back
They make you wiser, tougher and able to make better decisions
I've learned that life is made up of some awful ****
and I have stories that will probably never be put on paper
because they still break me into pieces if I allow them to
Life is also full of so many beautiful things
There is so much to experience
There is so much to see
There is so much to feel
If I had a child and I could give them one piece of advice
it would be to live life to the absolute fullest
and don't worry about falling because if you do fall
you will always have someone there to help you up
The best people walk into your life when you least expect it
Everything has a way of working out
and some of the most beautiful memories are made
through the darkest moments when you thought nothing good
could possibly come out of whatever is currently causing you
to go to bed with tears in your eyes
If I could tell my younger suicidal self one thing
it would be to choose life because you have no idea
when it's going to be taken from you
I used to wish I had the answers to everything
I used to wish I could see into the future because I thought knowing certain things would calm my present anxiety
Trust me when I say it doesn't
If something is meant to be it will be
If not then something better will turn up and surprise you
Until then do one thing for me and live
Take time to appreciate the beautiful colors nature has to offer
Take time to hug those you love the most
Make time to visit places you have always wanted to go to
but you always came up with excuses as to why you could never go
Tell the one you love how you really feel
and don't worry about looking stupid if they don't feel the same way
What matters is that they know and you were brave enough
to tell another soul how much they mean to you
Don't hide from the rain
Don't get angry when time moves too slow because whether you see it or not it goes so fast and you can't take back the moments you spent being angry
Promise me despite your fears you will live
Do that for me
That is all I ask
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 24, 2018 Thursday 1:25 PM
Apr 2018 · 238
I have been sick for the last two months
After days of bleeding,
panic attacks,
suicidal thoughts,
multiple hospital visits
and an intense fear that I was dying
I am starting to feel like myself again
My suicidal thoughts due to the medication I was prescribed
were enough to scare me into appreciating my life
in a way I never have before
I see things differently
I feel things differently
I have a deeper respect for my body
and all that it has gone through to keep me alive
My faith in God is deeper
My anxiety no longer has the control it once enjoyed
and my depression doesn't haunt me like it used to
I have this urge to live that is so great
and my constant need to be alone is no longer there
I've changed and I don't feel the need to prove myself
to the world
I just want to live
I want to taste life in a new way
and capture every single moment like it's my last
I want to live in the moment
and no longer waste my time worrying about the future
I've let go of baggage that was weighing me down like an anchor
resting in the deepest part of the ocean
I've fallen in love with living
I'm no longer afraid of anything
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: April. 3, 2018 Tuesday 3:31 PM
Dec 2017 · 1.8k
All I Want For Christmas
Dear Santa
I don't ever ask you for anything
not because I don't believe in you
I just don't like to ask for things
I feel selfish when I do
Out of all of the things a woman my age could possibly want
this is all I truly desire this year
All I want for Christmas is true love
the kind of love people obsess over in songs and books
I want kisses that feel like electricity exploding
that feeling of someones hand in mine causing more goosebumps on my skin better than any snowfall ever could
I want deep conversations that prolong into the early morning and breakfast at 12pm because we slept in late
after being up all night
I want passion so real it scares the **** out of me but it's okay because I have someone to share that he passion with
I want care rides full of laughter over things most people are too uptight to laugh about
I want a connection to someone so intense I can't describe it with words
I want the good, the bad and the ugly that comes with true love
I know true love isn't perfect but that's what makes it real
It's messy, complicated and scary
but I'm brave enough to want it
Without love life is empty
whether it be a romantic love,
platonic love,
love for your family or pets
Love is magical
I just want someone to share the magic with
I know what I'm asking for is impossible and a little weird
but it's all I would love to have for Christmas this year
I want to love you in a way
no other woman has before
I am aware of your previous relationships
I understand the insecurities you have
yet as time goes on you grow more distant
and I'm beginning to question what I'm doing wrong
The closer I try to get to you
the further you pull away
You hear me cry in bed
and you ignore me anyway
It's getting to the point I'm sad so much
that I'm becoming physically sick
and when I ask you if you still love me
you yell at me for asking such a question
I've stopped wishing to feel your embrace
as the cool autumn nights set in
I've begun to prepare myself
for something I know is sure to happen
Oct 2017 · 209
You are complex and quiet
You prefer to be alone
and you keep to yourself in a crowd full of people
You have a big heart
yet whenever someone tries to love you romantically
you keep them at arms length
You don't speak a lot but when you do
you don't need to say a lot to get your point across
You have seen, tasted and felt evil
yet you continue to choose to do the right thing
When I want to give up
you toughen me up
When I yell at you
you don't make a fuss
You let me be by myself to deal with my anger
then get me off of my *** and teach me to channel it better
You see greatness in me that I cannot see with my own eyes
You tell me the raw truth
when everyone else lies
You don't think twice when I call you for help
You don't allow me to give up
you push me to be a better version of myself
If I want to cry you let me
but I better be running if I do
When I feel like I don't belong in this world
you don't make me feel inferior to you
Instead you stand me up
look me in the face and remind me of my self worth
You encourage me to face my past
even though it will hurt
Even with all of your demons you fight internally on a daily basis
you never hesitate to hold my hand
You made me the strong person I am today
You are my Batman
You held me in your arms
that rainy Friday night
In your arms all I did was cry
all of the tears I held inside
You squeezed me tight and whispered
"honey don't cry
don't cry
you will be alright
I will be here
anytime you need me
just yell my name
I will be here to listen
to wipe your tears away
and kiss your beautiful face."

You held your hand in mine
that snowy Saturday night
You kissed my hand two times
as stars shone in your eyes
I smiled at you as you grabbed me and said
"honey I love you
I love you
I'm madly in love with you
I can listen to you laugh all night
you constantly take me by surprise
there is no where else I would rather be
than with you tonight
you're every dream I've ever dreamed
every wish I ever made
I will love you for eternity
as long as you will have me."
Oct 2017 · 354
Not This Time
The razor whispered
"use me
I'll take away your pain
I'm the key to making all of your problems
disappear for good
Just let me get a taste of your skin
As she ran her delicate fingers over the shiny blade
that once used to help her she grew angry
She was angry for ever using it in the past to harm herself when life got intense
She was angry for currently holding it in her hands
and she was angry for allowing her mind to go to such a dark place after she had fought for years to get out of it
Now she was here holding the key to a hell she didn't think she could come back from twice
She heard the razor whisper once more
then chucked it so far into the ocean never to be used again
She looked down at the scars on her arms that were still visible yet healed and said
"not this time."
Oct 2017 · 256
Just A Dream
I had a dream about you last night
It felt so real
I could feel your arm around me as I slept
I could feel your breathing on my back
causing my skin to form goosebumps
The warmth from your body against mine
just felt so right
It felt so good to be in your arms
But then I woke up
and I felt sad
Your arm was not around me
You weren't breathing on my back
I felt cold
You were never there
it was just a dream
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: October. 14, 2017 Saturday 11:39 PM
When I first met you
you took my breath away
When you first said my name
my walls all broke away
When you first smiled at me
my heart just went insane
When you first grabbed my hand
my life was never the same
We are colors crashing in the sky
We are stars colliding in the night
We are storms dancing to the sound of our souls
We are lovers dying to love

So kiss me as long as you want to
Don't worry about stopping I don't want you to
Just take me as I am flaws and all
We are colors crashing in the sky

When you first told me I was you rock
I said you are are mine too
When we had our first fight
you yelled I can't live without you
And we danced and we danced and we danced
until neither one of us was angry
With my head on your shoulder I heard you whisper
you are my soul mate
And I said

Kiss me as long as you want to
Don't worry about stopping I don't want you to
Let me take you as you are scars and all
We are colors crashing in the sky

And we danced and we danced and we danced
until the world around us disappeared
And we laughed and we laughed and we laughed
until happiness was all we could hear
The kaleidoscope of our colors
getting stronger and stronger and stronger
And we entered a world where neither of us
could ever lose each other

And we kissed as long as we wanted to
Stopping was never an option
because we never wanted to
And we took each other as we are
scars, flaws and all
We are colors crashing in the sky
We are stars colliding in the night
We are storms dancing to the sound of our souls
We are lovers dying to love
As the kaleidoscope of our colors
gets stronger and stronger and stronger
Sep 2017 · 275
Breakfast On The Balcony
Breakfast on the balcony
the weather is 56°
I am wearing a hoodie and leggings
as my cat lies near my feet
It's supposed to be chilly all day long
and I plan to stay in and read
I'm going to open up all of my windows
and let the autumn air take hold of me
I've been waiting for this all year
a perfect day such as this one
Where I can sip my coffee and enjoy the gray clouds
instead of the yellow sun
As I dip my French toast into my syrup
I feel a leaf fall onto me
My face lights up as I welcome Autumn
to have breakfast with me on the balcony
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: August. 28, 2017 Monday 11:51 A.MISTAKE.
Aug 2017 · 215
In The Sky
I am sitting next to a window on an airplane
It's 2:05 in the morning
I am watching the lights of the city I love
shine brightly below me
The higher I get in the sky
the smaller the world looks
yet for me I feel so big
and I am not scared of anything
When I am on the ground
I feel like anything can harm me
However in the sky
I feel like I can do the impossible
I don't mean perform miracles like Jesus
I mean my dreams
Everything my heart desires that I think will never happen
seems possible now that I am high in the air
Those hours on the plane are unlike anything I have ever felt
Most of the people around me are irritated
and can't wait to get back on the ground
but not me
I could stay here all day if it means I get to feel this way the entire time
I don't mind at all

It's 6:05 in the morning now
I can see the tiny world below me waking up to a new day
The plane is about to land and I feel an ache in my chest
As I feel the wheels hit the ground I feel myself start to cry
I don't mind being on the ground
as long as I maintain the same feeling I had when I was in the sky
Written By: Mandie Michelle Sanders
Written On: August. 26, 2017 Saturday 2:17 A.M
Aug 2017 · 284
Field Of Sunflowers
She was always a rose kind of girl
She adored roses
It didn't matter what color they were
A rose was a flower that always took her breath away
yet whenever she dreamed of a field of flowers
she always dreamt of sunflowers
Her dream was always the same
Her hair long and black with a crown of red roses
She wore a long white dress that danced in perfect harmony
Her nails were red as blood as well as the lipstick on her lips
She smelled of Japanese blossom and passion
She was barefoot which was strange because she hates having her feet uncovered
In a field of sunflowers she twirled in non stop circles
With the sun on her skin she could never get enough of the beauty that surrounded her as she spun to the music only she could hear in her heart
As the sun set she would lie down and put her arms on her chest
It was in that field of sunflowers
she felt her very best
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: August. 22, 2017 Tuesday 12:18 A.M.
Aug 2017 · 264
I feel like such a burden 99% of the time
I think about what life would be like with me out of the equation
and sadly I feel like everyone I love would be better off
My parents won't have to deal with the embarrassment of their daughter being a high school drop out
with no ambition in life other than to write poetry about how sad she is
My brothers and sisters won't have to deal with the annoyance of their sister being so sad she can't get out of bed some days because sometimes being around people for too long drains her
My nieces won't have to grow up having an aunt who is bat **** crazy and they won't ever have to deal with the embarrassment  and annoyance my family suffers
My friends won't have to worry about their friend who can never stay happy for too long
My boyfriend wont have to deal with the stress of having a girlfriend who cries everytime she looks at her reflection
God won't have to waste his time blessing me with this life I take for granted because I am a lazy waste of space
My body wont have to work just to keep me alive when all I do is punish it for not looking the way I think it should
I feel like I waste people's time
I feel like I make everyone's lives stressful just by breathing and I don't want that
I want to make the ones I love happy
I just can't seem to do that
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: August. 22, 2017 Tuesday 12:06 A.M.
Jul 2017 · 219
Tonight is the first night in a year
that I will be going to bed alone
I don't want to but I have to
My body aches as I remind myself that you won't be here
to wrap your arms around me anymore
I feel cold as I lie here wishing I could feel your breathing
dancing with mine
My face burns from tears that can't seem to stop
What hurts the most is knowing you are probably at home
not missing me at all
I've been in love with you for five years
I never in my wildest dreams
thought I would have a shot with you
Finding out that you liked me back
I was so ecstatic
I think about that day and my heart still goes crazy
It stings looking over to my side and not seeing you there
I can't even put into words how sad I feel
I've had my heart broken before and have felt pain like this
but this feels different
This pain I feel is deeper
It's stronger
I have no doubts about my love for you
My love for you is so strong
My love for you is pure
My love for you is a love that I haven't felt for anyone else
I've loved other men before in previous relationships
yet I never missed them as much as I miss you
I thought I knew heartbreak
I thought I had experienced true love
but I think I was wrong
With you I saw a future
I've never seen the future with anybody else
I was with you because I wanted to be
not because I was lonely
Everything about you still gives me butterflies
It hurts to breathe
It hurts to eat
It hurts to laugh
The thought of us not being together anymore hurts too much
I know we agreed on giving each other space
but what if that space means the end?
I don't know how to deal with that possibility
I'm going to try to sleep now
My face hurts from crying
but I've stopped trying to stop the tears
I really hope we can work things out
We've come too far for it to end like this
WRITTEN ON: JULY. 23, 2017 SUNDAY 6: 36 A.M.
Hey you
Yes you the one reading this poem
It's currently 2:51 in the morning
in my part of the world
You are probably wondering why I am up so late
Truth is my heart is breaking
I am currently in my bed crying
wishing I was in a cabin surrounded by snow
because snow always makes me feel better
As I sit here typing I realize I am not the only one
up so late crying my eyes out
I'm sure whoever is reading this is up late because
you either can't sleep,
you are also hurting emotionally,
you are thinking about doing something permanent to yourself,
you're thinking about pointless **** from years ago
or you are probably one of those people who prefers to
be awake when it's dark out
Despite your reason for being up so late
I am glad you are because I have something to say
that you really need to hear
Now what I say may shock you but
it needs to be said
Are you still reading?
You are one ******* bad ***
You are a soul who blows minds with your awesome personality
Whatever negative ******* you have running around
inside your head right now is a lie
Anything negative that is making you upset right now
is temporary
You were put on this earth for a reason
There is something inside of you that is just begging
to be released that has the potential to change lives
Whatever you are going through
a break up,
an argument with a best friend,
a set back,
an addiction,
a job loss,
death of a loved one,
whatever you are going through right now
is going to get better eventually
It may not happen tonight,
next month,
next year
or longer than that but even though it hurts
and I know this sounds cliche
pain has a way of opening unexpected doors for us
Pain helps us grow and teaches us amazing things about ourselves
If you want to stop reading this now you can
I hate hearing positive things when I'm upset too
because when I'm hurting it feels like things will never
get better but they do
It takes time
It can feel lonely sometimes when we are hurting
because we think no one else can feel as awful as we
do right now
However some where far away maybe in another country
someone is fighting a battle no one knows about
and they are crying too
What I am trying to say is right now even if you are
by yourself you are not alone
Anything hurtful someone has said to you is a lie
You are greatness
You are beautiful
You have a heart that deserves to be loved unconditionally
and if you are up late because you want to hurt yourself
please don't
Someone out there wakes up everyday just to see your smile
Someone out there gets butterflies just by hearing your laugh
and even though it's hard to believe sometimes
someone loves you so much
and the world is a much better place with you in it
Whatever demon you are battling tonight
I hope you know you got this
You are strong
You are lovely
You are inspirational
You are meant to be here
That much I know
So do whatever you have to do tonight
cry, write, listen to the same song on repeat,
yell into a pillow, meditate, dance, watch a comedy
whatever makes your heart soar do that
Make the choice to give life another shot
It's 3:21 in the morning now
My face burns from my tears but
I am far from being done crying
I may cry for the rest of the night
and that's okay
I would rather feel my pain
then pretend it doesn't exist
I hope you get some sleep tonight
If you don't then I hope your day tomorrow is an easy
nonstressful day
It's Friday
Fridays should never be stressful
I love you
I care about you
Oh and one more thing
Goodnight beautiful bad *****!
I look forward to your smiles
WRITTEN ON: JULY. 21, 2017 FRIDAY 3:23 A.M.
Jul 2017 · 586
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
I was born in California
and raised in Arizona
yet neither one of those places are home to me
Milwaukee, Wisconsin is my home
Milwaukee is where I took my first real breath
after coming to terms that I was now a person
living with a mental illness
Milwaukee is where I took my first steps as an adult
Milwaukee is where I found my love for writing
on the floor of my walk in closet
on South 28th street
Milwaukee is where I fell in love for the first time
lost my virginity and got my heart smashed to pieces
and even though I was hurting
I never gave up on the belief in love
Milwaukee is where I smoked my first cigarette
Milwaukee is where I bought my first Mayday Parade
album after cutting the **** out of my legs
in my father's basement
Milwaukee is where I met snow for the first time
at age two and 23 years later I swear
I can remember the feeling I had
when I touched it
Milwaukee is where I discovered my favorite coffee flavor
at the Starbucks on Howell Avenue
Milwaukee was where I dyed my hair black
and began my journey to finding out who I was
as a person
Milwaukee is my battlefield
in which I fought demons I never thought
I would have to fight
It's where I tasted betrayal, abuse, anger, depression
and anxiety for the first time
It's also where I contemplated suicide
and almost went through with it
I've endured hell in Milwaukee
but it's where I persevered
It's where I got tough
It's where my broken heart healed
It's where I looked my demons straight in the face
and yelled  "TRY ME *****!"
Milwaukee is where I grew as a person
in ways I never thought I could
Milwaukee is more than a city most people pass through
on their journey to somewhere else
Milwaukee is a part of my soul
that I am far from ashamed of
My birth certificate may say I am from California
but Milwaukee, Wisconsin is where I'm really from
Its my home
and no one can tell me differently
WRITTEN ON: JULY. 2, 2017 SUNDAY 1:28 A.M.
Jul 2017 · 219
The Ultimate Betrayal
I can't get it out of my head
the image of him ******* her
in the same bed we made love in
over and over again
Through the love we shared
we developed a closeness
I have never experienced
with anyone else before
Seeing you in her as she grabbed onto you
the way I have just tore me apart
I can still hear him calling her name
as he came inside her
and knowing it wasn't my name he was calling
just made the hole in my heart hurt that much more
I stood there in disbelief
as the man I built a life with for five years
threw it all away for some ****
he met in a bar while I was out of town
What's worse was his reaction
when he noticed my presence in the doorway
he looked like he had never seen me before
As I ran out of the room
I could hear him chasing after me as he apologized
over and over again
as if he made some tiny mistake
With every apology I grew angry
I was angry that he was standing before me
naked with her scent and lying to me
He wasn't sorry
He made a choice
a choice that destroyed what we had
The special love we once had
was tossed away
the moment he made the choice
to **** another woman
You don't ever get over a betrayal like that
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July. 9, 2017 Sunday 10:01 A.M.
Jul 2017 · 1.5k
Don't Like It, Don't Read It
When people read my poetry
they all have the same question
"Why does your poetry have to be so sad?"
The question used to offend me
I used to think that question deserved an answer
I even started changing the kind of poems I wrote to please the people who read them
I was satisfied with my work
but it wasn't really me
I began to feel guilty
I began to feel like a fraud
Charles Bukowski once wrote
"a good writer must simply let it all go, regardless"
I'm sure he meant for those words to mean something else but for me
it was as if I was being reminded to stop allowing other people to have control over my writing
It's not every day I gain advice from someone who has passed on years before I was ever born
I no longer feel the need to answer everybody's question
Hell I even ask myself from time to time
"Mandie, why must your poetry be so sad?"
Depression is another language to me
I speak it well
I write it well
I know it well
Bottom line
if my poetry is too sad for you
then don't read it
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON:August. 26, 2016 Friday 10:08 A.M.
Feb 2017 · 754
Smile because on this day last year you were going through something horrible and even though you thought things wouldn't get better they did.
Smile because the person who attempts to dim your shine needs to be reminded that not everyone is a **** and out to hurt them.
Smile because you're alive.
Smile because your favorite song played on the radio five times already and you wish it would play again.
Smile because even though you have no plans today that's fine because now you can spend time with yourself and give yourself some undivided attention.
Smile because you love yourself.
Smile because whether your teeth are perfect or crooked your smile is beautiful as ****.
Smile because everytime you smile you send a dose of magic into the world that makes someone else's day that much better.
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: February. 16, 2017 Thursday 12:00 P.M.
Jan 2017 · 1.7k
Love Is Magic
There is such a thing as magic
and that magic is called love.
You create magic
every time you choose love over hate.
Love has the power to do wonderful things
and no matter how hopeless things may seem
the magic of love can prove otherwise.
Whether the love is shared with your lover,
your friends,
your family,
your pets,
a stranger,
a child it's all the same.
Love can be found in a song,
a poem,
a smile,
a laugh,
a compliment,
a hug,
or a reassurance that everything will be okay.
Love can change the world
and changing the world is magical.
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 24, 2017 Tuesday 11:34 P.M.
If she is always asking if she looks pretty
you need to compliment her more
If she is doing things on purpose to annoy you
it is a sign you're not giving her enough attention
If she purposely wears a color she knows is your favorite
it is her way of saying she loves you
acknowledge that
If her feelings get hurt when you deny her kisses
she is not being over sensitive
you basically told her you don't want her love
A woman's love is constant
It is in her blood to love the man she is with every minute of every day
If you men only knew how much love your woman has for you
I don't think you could ever begin to imagine it because if you did you would never deny it
Compliment her everyday
it will make her feel more secure in her skin
Tell her good morning when she wakes up
Don't send her a text
buy her coffee, flowers or a book
and tell her good morning in person
Don't wait until she's dressed up to remind her of her beauty
Tell her even when she's dressed in her ugliest pair of pajamas
Say thank you when she gives you a sincere compliment
Kiss her as she does the dishes
Watch a cheesy movie with her from time to time
Let her take care of you when you're sick
Let her buy you gifts
Let her hold you and soak in every ounce of love she offers
Hold her hand in public
Give her the freedom to express her feelings without getting upset
Make her laugh until it hurts her to breathe
Have a conversation with her at the dinner table
Tell her you love her every time the opportunity presents itself because you never know when God will choose to take her
do not wait for her to say it first
Love her and let her love you back
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 13, 2017 Friday 6:27 PM
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