Before you close your eyes and go to sleep I just thought I would take the time to remind you that you are important, you mean the world to somebody and if someone forgot to tell you how much you were loved today then please allow me the honor of saying this: I love you, I think you're great and I am so glad that you exist.

2012 will be here in 7 days
and I am still stuck in the past
I need to let this **** go
or else the misery I am feeling will last
They say the world will end in 2012
why should I be miserable that year?
I want to take on 2012 as a challenge
and not have any fear
I want 2012 to be a year of changes
I want to change my style
my way of thinking
everything
I no longer want to be a victim to my emotional pain
I want to be happy
I want to be free
I want to do practically everything
I want to be confident
I want to run with excitement
I want to be the girl people talk **** about
but not worry about the haters
I want to be independent,
I want all of my dreams to come true
I want my uniqueness to shine bright
to the point my haters won't know what to do
I want to be ****
I want to be fun
I want to try new things
I want to finish high school
I want to drive
I want to dance
I want to sing
2012 will be the year to start over
it is the year to start fresh
from my birth to today I'm letting go
I'm going to start over
I'm giving 2012 my all and my best

2:13 PM

A school shooting took place
He was angry at the world
for the constant rejection that he faced
He was sick of the jocks pushing him up against lockers
and girls only wanting him for just ***
He was sick of his mother always lecturing him about taking his meds
it made him want to wring her neck

His girlfriend broke up with him two weeks prior
over a text message one morning
Being dropped like a piece of garbage
made him even more angry at everybody
He thought he could control himself
if he spent a few days home from school
It was there he found a way to get attention
he found a way to be cool

He stole his dad's semi-automatic rifle
went to school as if everything was okay
Once there he snapped
and began to fire away

2:13 PM

A school shooting took place
He felt sorry for what he did
he shook as he paced
He was sick of the constant voices in his head
that made him turn into someone else

At 2:14 PM

he turned the gun onto himself

I turn twenty-three in twelve days
I still have not gotten anywhere with my life
I am a loser in a ****** city
full of people who cheat and lie
I feel pathetic a lot of the time
I should be in college planning my future
But high school drop outs do not get to plan things
they stay stuck regretting past choices
I do not want to be forty years old
still dreaming of the life I want
Everyone I know has moved on in some way
even my enemies are doing alright
What if my dreams are really just dreams
that belong in my mind when I sleep
Maybe my high school teachers were right
without their lectures I will not be anything
Still a part of me is glad I am not as far as everybody else
Maybe I am on the right track with my dreams
maybe something great is in the making
Maybe this is the year my dreams come true
I will finally be the published writer I want to be
Maybe everything I have been working so hard for
will pay off when I am twenty-three

I want you to kiss me
I want you to take my face into your hands
and kiss me so gently I melt in your arms
I want you to hold me so tightly
as I lay my head on your shoulder
taking in your scent
I want to feel your hand in mine
and never let it go

You have been gone for three years now
so much has changed
It feels like everything fell apart once you died
Your death still gets to me
My heart breaks whenever I think of you
Hearing your name brings tears to my eyes sometimes
I feel so much guilt
for never fixing whatever it was that got us to fight so much
It wasn't anything you did
It was me
I was a teenager so angry at the world
I pushed away everyone including my best friend
I feel like such a hypocrite for missing you
I don't feel like I deserve to miss you
after the way I treated you the last time I saw you in person
I told you to *******
I was angry that you were back on drugs again
I wanted the guy who used to laugh with me in church
I wanted the person you used to be
I wanted the person you were back when we were eight years old
just being kids
I wanted life to go back to the way it was
before puberty, love and drugs ****** everything up
Maybe I was mad at myself for wishing for such a ridiculous thing
Maybe I was just a selfish little *****
who only gave a **** about her boyfriend at the time
On nights like tonight I just sit here and cry
because I miss you
I miss you so much I feel like I am slowly dying
Since your death I keep everyone at arms length
I am so scared I will forget your existence
if I allow myself to get too close to anybody
I really hope you knew how much I loved you
I really hope you knew how much I cared for you
even when I was mad at you
I am sorry for how I treated you the last time I saw you
Please forgive me

It is 3:09 in the morning
Law and order plays on my TV
I just finished my third glass of wine
I am so lonely
I listened to One Direction for an hour
their music fills the holes in my heart
I am ready for bed, I feel myself getting sleepy
but I can't bring myself to lie down
I feel my legs getting cold
it's raining outside
I wish there was someone here to hold me
I hate sleeping in such a big bed all by myself
I wish I had someone to share it with
I have so much on my mind
it's causing me anxiety
I watch commercials trying to distract myself
from feeling so lonely

I'm sitting here just thinking about you
I'm wondering how you are
I can't decide if I should watch a movie
or go for a drive in my car
It's almost close to midnight
for some reason I just can't sleep
maybe it's because your so far away
instead of lying in bed next to me
I know your only gone for 4 days
but 4 days feels like 4 years
every time I think of your face
I find myself in tears
I'm not used to being this far away from you
I'm used to seeing you everyday
it doesn't matter what I try to do
the feeling of missing you just won't go away
I know it's only 13 hours
but I wish it was 13 minutes
if that were the case I'd jump in my car to be by your side in seconds
But 96 hours won't **** me
it will just make me appreciate you more
I will be counting down the hours and wishing you the best
until your back in my arms where you belong

At this very moment my heart is breaking
it’s breaking in two and I can feel it
it feels like a huge weight is on my chest
like a ton of bricks fell on me
it’s hard to breathe
it hurts so bad I can’t help but cry
I want the breaking to stop
I feel like a part of me is being ripped apart
and there is nothing I can do about it
I feel like a part of me is gone
and I can’t get it back
crying makes the pain worse
with every tear that falls another part of my heart breaks
and every breath I take makes the aching hurt so much more
When the tears have stopped a numbness falls over me
making me very tired
with each breath I take my chest burns
like an open wound left untreated
I fall asleep and dream of memories that make me smile so big
then I wake up
I realize it was just a dream
I start to cry as my heart breaks all over again

It was a rainy day
I had no plans but I got dressed up and went down the street to my favorite cafe
Something told me that today was going to be a great one
I did my hair
put on some makeup
I put on my favorite dress
I wore the cutest pair of flats I own
I didn't care if the rain messed them up
I walked to the cafe allowing the rain to tangle my hair
mess up my makeup and soak my dress
I ordered my favorite beverage
A caramel latte
I sat in my cold dress next to a window
watching as the rain drops formed into music notes to a song only my eyes could read
As soon as I went to take a sip of my latte
it happened
I heard a jingle
signaling that someone had stepped into the cafe
I looked up and there he was
5.6, dark hair, brown eyes
a smile bright enough to light up the darkest sky
He too was wet from the rain
I could tell he walked to the cafe but his body language proved that he didn't seem to mind the rain
He sat at a table across from me
next to a window looking at raindrops
He spoke his order to the waitress
stared at the window
then looked at me
We stared at each other for what seemed like five minutes
it was impossible to look away
The waitress brought him his drink
he picked it up, stood up
and took a seat right across from me
He asked me "what are you drinking?"
I replied "a caramel latte, you?"
With a smile that made my heart stop
he answered "a caramel latte."

I fell in love with you from the moment I saw you
It wasn't because of your smile
it wasn't because of your laugh
it wasn't because of your love for strange things
or how you told the same hilarious jokes over and over again
It wasn't the way your hair fell onto your face as we made out in your bed
It wasn't the way you looked shirtless when you stepped out of the shower
It wasn't the way the snowflakes clung to you and hugged you when we played in the snow until a quarter to three
It was the way you noticed my presence without me having to say a single word

That girl is such a ****
she has *** with different guys
she swears she’s an innocent angel
but all she does is lie
She’s constantly talking **** about someone
then she cries when karma hits
she thinks the world revolves around her
if she doesn’t get her way she will throw a fit
She’s two faced, she’s a hypocrite
all of her friends say so
her parents give her what she wants
they don’t know how to say no
She cheats on every boyfriend she has
she’s always having pregnancy scares
she uses people, she ruins lives
and she doesn’t even care
Girls like this end up alone
it’s very sad to see
they think they need attention to survive
they can’t be the best that they should be
Girls like this act tough
but inside their breaking down
underneath those pretty little smiles
are girls who secretly wear frowns
Girls like this are beautiful
they need a guy to believe that fact
they act like their comfortable with themselves
but deep down they think their fat
Girls like this need a hug
they need a friend who will always stay
if you be the bigger person and just be nice to them
it may change their life one day

Whenever I feel insecure
you kiss my body from head to toe
Whenever I am sad
you sit with me on our cold kitchen floor
Whenever I am angry
you do your thing and give me space
Whenever I am unsure of myself
you read to me a poem I had once written forever ago
Whenever I am tired
your chest becomes my pillow
Whenever I am sick
our home becomes a Winter wonderland
Whenever I need inspiration
you drop everything and take me out of town
Whenever I am missing someone who has passed on
you listen as I tell endless stories about them
You always open the car door for me
I always wake up to the smell of fresh brewed coffee
Sticky notes with messages are found in random places
and the freezer is always filled with my favorite ice cream
Every "see you later" ends with a kiss
every shower contains an hour of you yelling "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL"
from outside the bathroom door
Every evening is a cuddle session with Bruce Springsteen and wine
When I write you watch me in admiration
When I laugh you light up like a Christmas tree
When I embarrass myself in public
you do a fake fall so people laugh at you instead of me
Whenever I am upset and need to vent
you give me your undivided attention
and even when we fight you never end the night
without saying those three special words

I spoke to Derek Sanders from Mayday parade on the phone last night.
It was a dream come true.

Be honest even if the truth hurts.
Love even though it hurts like hell.
Be supportive even if you don't like the situation.
Do what's right even though you might get laughed at.
Smile as if nothing is wrong.
Be you because that's the best person you can be.

I can't wait for you anymore
you and I are not the same
I've been patient but I'm losing myself
I don't even know my name
What are you planning to do with your life?
You're lazy and you tell lies
There are people and family that love you
but that's too difficult for you to realize
It's interesting how you are
you got so much greatness and talent
You never want to let yourself shine
because you're stuck behind unhealthy habits
One day you will be alone
You will never know who you are
Keep running away from your problems
you won't get very far

"Do you like me?"
was the question I asked you
We were sitting on my bed watching television
and I just had to know the answer to that question
I was so scared to hear your response
I thought you would say "no"
Instead you said "yes"
which made my heart hopeful
I have liked you for quite some time
I never imagined you ever liking me back
I am so used to being rejected
I was sure I would never have a shot with you
It still takes me by surprise that you are my boyfriend
It's all that I think about when we are on a date
Feeling your hand in mine is so surreal
it feels like a kiss from fate
I really enjoy your company
you leave butterflies in my tummy
Your kisses are like that first bite of cheesecake
your hugs are sweeter than honey
I am so blessed to call you mine
you make me so happy
My only hope is that I make you happy too

When life falls apart and you feel you can't be strong
know that I am here for you
I have been all along
I have always had your back
I am just waiting for your call
I have seen what you are going through
I have been there through it all
I am here to hold your hand
I am here to catch your tears
I am here to make you laugh
and walk with you as you face your fears
I am here to make you smile
I am here for every storm
I am here to hold you tight
even after your not hurting anymore
My hugs are nothing special
I just hope they ease the pain
My advice may not be the best
I just hope it helps you through the rain
So when life is no longer falling apart
and you have finally made it along
Do not forget that I am still here for you
to remind you that you are strong

Today was a hard day
everyday is a hard day
sometimes it's hard to concentrate
in every single way
Today was not fun
everyday isn't fun
Mom screamed at me today
I swear she burst a lung
Today I was tired
everyday I'm tired
my boyfriend is worried about me
I swear he thinks I'm wired
Today was very cold
I can't stand it when it's cold
when I'm cold I feel old
Today I cut myself
I got to live a little while today
but today was still a hard day.

This is for the cutters, the ones with eating disorders, the ones who are bullied, the emo kids, the different ones and the misunderstood ones.

I know you all are hurting

you have demons you all are fighting everyday

some of you cut just to ease the pain

while some of you wish to just go away

You get talked about and judged

for being what everyone longs to be

and that is to be yourself 100%

not giving a **** who disagrees

Some of you are throwing up on purpose

to feel pretty by those who don’t see your true beauty

some of you do drugs to block out excess noise from the ones who call you nobodies

Some of you plan out your suicides

because life for you is unbearable

some of you hide who you love

out of fear that love for the same *** will be unacceptable

Some of you cry yourselves to sleep at night

while some of you stay up to write songs

you write about wanting to make a difference in the world

when in reality you already are

All some of you have is music

and the crazy thoughts inside your head

while some of you have no one to lean on other than the pillow on your bed

I know every cut, every plan, every purge, and needle in the arm

is an escape from your own reality

some of you get beaten for no reason at all

when all you want is to be loved by somebody

You all have one thing in common

you are warriors agaisnt the norm

you were put here to make a difference

to change the world is why you were born

This is for the ones who get frowned upon

for being nothing but themselves

This is to those who struggle with a mental illness

and is pressured to be like everyone else

This is to those who express themselves in ways no one understands

This is to the ones who go after their dreams

with encouragement from their favorite bands

This is to those with scars on their arms

and to the ones whose rib cages show

you all are loved by somebody

and it could be by someone you don’t even know

I know you think your not heard

but I got news for you

I know what it’s like to be in your shoes

and be unsure of what to do

I want you to know that I love you

I think you are awesome as it gets

you are the ones that I look up to

when I’m lonely and depressed

I care about what you have to say

even if what you say is bizarre

I accept you for the hearts you have

because your hearts show who you really are

I care about your well being

I want you all to shine

I just want to hug each and every one of you

and hold you tight as you cry

I don’t want you to be afraid of anything

I want you to go after your dreams

don’t listen to the ******* people say

because what they say say means nothing anyways

I know I’m only one person

but please believe me when I say

you guys are all I think about when I’m writing my poetry everyday

I want to be your voice

for those who are afraid to speak

I want to be your encouragement

until your strong enough to be on your feet

The world is a scary place

for those who are considered misfits

but in the scary place we call a world

is where magic happens if you search for it

You are never alone on this journey

I am here for you till the very end

I’ll be here until God calls me home

and I promise to always be here to hold your hand

So many insecurities
so much worrying I do
so much freaking out that takes place
and it’s because of the **** you put me through
you cheated and you lied
you made me feel cheap
all you wanted me for was ***
OH MY GOD! Your such a creep
You know what I don’t need you anymore
I got other things to do
I got family and friends who love me for me
I don’t have time to deal with you
you can **** your ***** and do your drugs
your the one who can be misreable
I got things to look forward to
I won’t let you make me feel horrible
Say all the **** you want to say
all the things you say are far from true
your so stupid and pathetic
Why would I want to be with you?
You can take your lies and sob stories
and tell them to someone who cares
I don’t need you to catch my tears
I don’t need you to be here
So you broke my heart
you took what we had and tossed it away
I can’t believe I wanted to marry you
but you know what that’s okay
I was young and I was blind
I made a mistake
I’m glad I’m not marrying you
because your such a ******* fake
After all the **** you put me through
I still wish you the best
I hope all your dreams come true
don’t ever settle for less
I hope your future is amazing
I hope you get everything you want
just don’t forget you never know what good thing you got in front of you
until it’s gone

Dear Santa
I don't ever ask you for anything
not because I don't believe in you
I just don't like to ask for things
I feel selfish when I do
Out of all of the things a woman my age could possibly want
this is all I truly desire this year
All I want for Christmas is true love
the kind of love people obsess over in songs and books
I want kisses that feel like electricity exploding
that feeling of someones hand in mine causing more goosebumps on my skin better than any snowfall ever could
I want deep conversations that prolong into the early morning and breakfast at 12pm because we slept in late
after being up all night
I want passion so real it scares the **** out of me but it's okay because I have someone to share that he passion with
I want care rides full of laughter over things most people are too uptight to laugh about
I want a connection to someone so intense I can't describe it with words
I want the good, the bad and the ugly that comes with true love
I know true love isn't perfect but that's what makes it real
It's messy, complicated and scary
but I'm brave enough to want it
Without love life is empty
whether it be a romantic love,
platonic love,
love for your family or pets
Love is magical
I just want someone to share the magic with
I know what I'm asking for is impossible and a little weird
but it's all I would love to have for Christmas this year

Sitting in my room
staring at the walls
trying to forget the argument
trying to forget it all
Swimming in a river
staring at the fish
trying not to cry
as I make a secret wish
Lying on my bed
staring at the clock
trying not to fall asleep
as I dream of a river dock
Listening to music
staring at the ceiling
trying not to look down
at my arm that are bleeding
Stanidng at the window
erasing you from my phone
trying to convince myself
I won't be alone
Wiping away the tears
as i look at pictures of you
I wish you would come back
because I'm still in love with you.

When I look into the mirror
I see a girl with a lot of talent
I see someone beautiful and amazing
I see a girl who is not afraid to admit when she's had it
Not only do I see beauty
I see a girl with a good heart
I see respect and intelligence
I see strength for when she falls apart
I see courage and happiness
I see understanding and hope
I see personality and *****
I see a girl confident enough to reach for the stars
I see love and friendship
I see miracles and laughter
I see **** and glamorous
I see a girl who believes in happily ever afters
I see a girl who sees the heart for what it truly is
I see a girl who is mysterious
sort of like a walking quiz
I see nothing but greatness
I see individuality
I see a girl who is proud to be unique
I see the naturally, sweet and silly Mandie  


This is a me I haven't seen in a really long time. I missed her. Please don't ever go away again.

Always
Making
A
Not
So
Nice
Day
Amazing

He confessed to me that he wants to commit suicide
I told him that he shouldn't do that
He said he was tired of fighting this constant battle known as depression
I told him I understood the battle he was fighting
He began to tell me how exhausted he was
He is tired of the therapy, the medication, the hoping that things will get better
He admitted to accepting the fact that his depression will never go away
He understands that it is a part of him and that there is no cure for it
He also admitted that he gets angry when people get mad at him for feeling this way because they think he's selfish but then again they are not in his shoes so they can't understand what he's going through
He's right
When you're tired,  you're tired
A person can only take so much
It's hard fighting something that can't be seen physically
You can try to explain in every way possible but you can never truly understand it unless you live through it
I don't care how long you went to college for
I don't care how many people you know with the same problem
IT IS NOT THE SAME
YOU HAVE TO LIVE IT
I am against suicide but who am I to deny someone of wanting peace
I can only do so much
I think locking someone away is cruel
I think it makes people worse when they are forced to live with something they don't want to live with but at the same time I think it's important to keep fighting
I admitted to him that I think his decision to die was stupid
I also admitted that I didn't like seeing him in so much emotional pain
It is selfish to **** yourself because it hurts so many people but it's also selfish to want to see someone suffer so much just so you don't have to lose them
He told me his awful secret of wanting to die
I told him my opinion
As messed up as this subject is a person will do what they want to do
I confessed to him that I don't support his decision but if he wants to go then to go
I told him to not tell me when he was going to do it
I also told him that I was going to tell someone his plans and that even though I was breaking a trust I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do anything to stop him
Does it make me a bad person for understanding his reason for his plans?
Does it make me a horrible person to want him to stay and suffer when he has tried everything to get better?
Suicide is a topic so painful it's enough to devastate a person for the rest of their life
It's a topic as fragile as abortion, ****, war and other devastating topics that shake a person's world

I got a phone call at 4:13 this morning from his mother telling me he had killed himself
I fell apart with the realization I will never speak to my best friend again
I was also relieved to know he was not in any more pain
Does that make me a horrible person?

Always being watched even as you're taking a shower
Afraid to turn your lights off at night
because you don't want to know what lurks in the dark
Having encounters with ghosts
who manipulate you into thinking they are alive human beings
Always being attacked by dark forces
because of mistakes your ancestors made in the past
Someone is always bleeding
Someone is always being haunted
Being locked up in an institution
to be experimented on like a guinea pig
Mysteries, curses, deformities
Using spells to keep your loved ones safe
Staying aware of crazy clowns
who get pleasure out of stabbing people for no reason at all
Men with no eyes coming out of mattresses
Suicides
Self mutilation
Mental disorders
***
Romance
****
Psychological thriller
Fantasies
Realities
You start to question your mentality state
when you fall in love with a serial killer
and wish for an innocent victim to die
Facts
Imagination
Your beliefs will be tested
Your religion will be tested
Your loyalty will be tested
Your view of yourself and others who are different from you
will change
Your dreams will be bothered by the fact that pain brings you pleasure
and vice versa
Nightmares
Gore
Survival
Anger
Sadness
Death
Just when you think you have seen it all
it surprises you
Every year the story gets better
Every year is more intense
More creepy
More ****** up
Every year you are mind ****** as you sit on the edge of your seat
I know
I sound really insane however
I will not say I am sorry
It is just another year
in American Horror Story

I want to try to understand
why I am so impossible for you to love?
What did I do to make you dislike me so much?
I know I am not the only child you have so
I'm not trying to play victim here
I am the only child though who tried to get to know you
because I needed closure
As a little girl you were supposed to be my protector
instead you were an alcoholic monster
You would rather spend your nights at the bar
only to come home and beat the **** out of my mother
As a kid I needed someone to lean on
when other kids at school bullied me to the point I was starving myself
at eight years old
You were in jail paying for your sins
because the first arrest didn't mean **** to you
As a teenager I needed a man to look up to
I needed someone to show me how a lady should be treated
I got with ******* because my role model was just that
an ******* and the one who stepped up
to fill your shoes wasn't that great of a role model either
I risked every relationship I had with my family
including my mother
so I could try to find closure for the emotional wounds
that just could never seem to heal
In the end I was disappointed
I was called a ******* because I moved an ash tray in the basement
or called a huge **** up for falling asleep with the television on
The only great memories I have of you are smoking cigarettes with you
The only reason I picked up the habit was so I had a way to deal
with all of the anxiety I felt whenever I thought of you
Your Mother wasn't that great of a role model either
she was like Satan in every way possible
I couldn't even breathe around her
without her telling me how much she hated me
I moved away from you because I felt unwanted
It was bad enough I felt like a mistake to the rest of the world
I didn't need to feel that way around you
A week after no contact you call me to tell me you love me
you apologize to me telling me you are sorry for the way you treated me
So I forgave you
because that is what daughters do
Only to get a e-mail months later
telling me how much of a **** I am to you
So I let you go
I drop contact completely only to be dragged into court
four years later to find out that you stole my identity
SERIOUSLY??????
WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH??????
I NEED ANSWERS!
I NEED SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH!
I AM TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD
I AM TOO OLD FOR DADDY ISSUES
I AM SO TERRIFIED TO LET MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND LOVE ME
BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE ****** UP **** YOU DID TO ME
I TRUSTED YOU, I NEEDED YOU
I CUT MYSELF SO I COULD FEEL ANYTHING BUT THE REJECTION YOU CAUSED ME TO FEEL WHEN MOM FILED FOR CHILD SUPPORT
Did you know I tried to **** myself in your basement after that note you left on the kitchen table?
I tried to **** myself with pills but guess what I CAN'T EVEN **** MYSELF RIGHT EITHER!
What scares me the most is that despite all of the *******
I still love you
I don't have it in my heart to hate you because hate kills you
Hate is ugly and I refuse to carry that around and let it ruin my life
I am never going to have the Father that I want
I've accepted that now
I have no problem doing your job and giving myself the support
and closure I need to move on with my life
A part of me will always ache because a part of me will always want a relationship with you
but I can't let you into my life
I can't take being called a **** up again
I fear the next time I hear those words I will end up killing myself
I've come too far for that
I deserve better, Dad
even if you don't think so

Before you walk out that door
listen to what I have to say
Running away from your problems
will not make them go away
Before you do anything permanent
think about the choice you're making
Is it really worth losing your life?
Do you realize the risks you are taking?
Killing yourself will not make them shut up
they will just start picking on someone else
Be the hero in this situation
go get yourself some help
You are far too beautiful and talented
to be another statistic in a **** book
Before you do anything else
go to your mirror and have a look
In front of you is a girl
who has the power to save lives
You just need a little guidance
and reassurance that you will be alright
You are a walking miracle
in a world who has lost all hope
You are the light in someone's darkness
you are someone's melody in a music note
I know the pain you feel hurts
even breathing makes you tired
You have talents begging to be seen
you have an inner fire
I know you feel alone
but you are far from it
You need to let somebody in
to help you finish what you started
Please put down that razor
and let yourself cry
Do not be afraid to show your emotions
there is no reason to hide
You are nothing like the bullies say
you are someone unique
You have what it takes to change the world
just pick up your pen and write
Your words are somebody else's words
that are afraid to be said out loud
You have no reason to feel bad
you have every reason to be proud
You were given the gift of words
words are how a person explains what they feel
You know how to open a person up
you know how to help them heal
Your future is full of greatness
the choice is up to you
To choose life or choose death
what are you going to do?

I wish you would stop telling me how to live my life
when your life is far from perfect
every time you open your mouth I cringe
because I’ve had enough of it
You tell me I’m broken
that no one will ever want me
you tell me I’m ugly
that I should get plastic surgery
you laugh at my tears
then complain when I don’t show emotion
you tell me how I’m a horrible mistake
yet you show me strong devotion
You encourage me to be myself
then give me a list of things to change
you nag me about talking too much
then get mad when I don’t say anything
Your so confusing at times
it drives me crazy how you act
you treated me like ****
then wonder why I don’t want you back
You say you love me like crazy
yet you hit me first chance you get
you kiss me, you hold me
then call me your biggest regret
I’m tired of you putting me down
what did I do to deserve this?
I changed myself for you
and now I’m one big mess
You don’t really care about me
if you did you wouldn’t treat me this way
I’m done being your punching bag
I’m done being your favorite game to play

Five years ago I fell in love

I met a man with blondish hair,
blue/green eyes
and a smile that could make any human heart race like crazy
I had no idea that man I met would come into my life and stay

Four years ago I fell in love

I developed a crush on the same man I met
but his heart was taken by another woman
I had it set into my mind that because of this
I would never get the chance to be with him
Little did I know that fate had other plans

Three years ago I fell in love

This man and I became the best of friends
We have long conversations about topics most people in the world choose to ignore
We laugh all of the time
and when something good happens in my life
he is the first person I want to tell

Two years ago I fell in love

This man told me a secret
one that would only make me fall for him even more
I found that I could trust him with things
that I never had the courage to share with other people
I started to get to know this man on a deeper level
and I saw a side of him that made me want to do nothing but kiss him

One year ago I fell in love

My feelings for this man were getting stronger
It was to the point I couldn't be in the same room with him
without wanting to pour my heart out to him
My fear of rejection and opening up my heart
after being hurt so many times was beginning to cause conflict
I wanted to take the risk
but I was stuck

Four months ago I fell in love

I couldn't hold back any longer
so I told that man how I felt
When he confessed that he felt the same way
all of the fear I was carrying vanished
I felt free

This morning I fell in love

I am looking at the man I fell in love with five years ago
and it still feels like I am looking at him for the first time
Every minute spent with him is a blessing
Every day I get to kiss him and hug him
is another day I get to spend being grateful that this man
is a man who has chosen to love me
This man broke down all of my walls with a simple "hello"

This very minute I am falling in love
and in a second I will be falling in love all over again

You're the first person to ever calm the chaos
that corrupts my mind daily
Your touch clears away my anxiety
Your laughter eases my depression
Your smile eases my racing thoughts
Your presence alone scares away all of my demons

Right now I am really angry
everything is bugging me
Every voice I hear is like nails on a chalkboard
and it's aggravating to me
Why can't anyone shut the hell up?
It's really ******* me off
Everyone is fighting over stupid drama
when will they have enough?
I want to go home at this very moment
I want to burst into tears
I feel alone in this very space
I'm being suffocated by my fears
I need to leave because I'm heated up
I am going to lose my mind
Why does everyday have to **** up?
Why can't I just be happy here for once?

I had a lot of anger issues as a teen but my anger was only worse when I was at school. I couldn't stand my peers. Their immaturity made me want to scratch out my eyes. The teachers always complained because I always wanted to do things on my own instead of participate with the class. I hated to participate because I am a fast learner and I just hated sitting an hour being taught something that I could teach myself. I didn't like being bothered by people. I was the girl who liked to sit in the corner and read a book by myself. I had a lot of days where I just walked off of campus because I seriously thought I would hurt someone if I stayed. Eventually I dropped out and some people may think that was a dumb choice but for me it was the best choice and I don't regret it.

I can't give you a million dollars
but I can support you in your decisions
I can't buy you a car
but I can walk with you for miles
I can't stop you from bleeding
but I can hold your hand through the pain
I'll be happy to give you advice
but I admit I don't know everything
I can't heal your broken heart
but I can hold you while you cry
I can't stop the bad that happens in your life
but I can stand by your side
I can't succeed for you
but I can cheer you on every step of the way
I'm also there to talk on the phone
if I can't see you everyday
I can't go back with you to your past
but I can move forward with you to your future
I can't control the mean things others say to you
but I can tell you that they don't matter
I can't make you love yourself
but I can remind you of all the greatness I see
I can't always make you feel better
but I can try if you let me
I can't make things easier
on days when life is hard
but I can love you to my fullest
because I'm your best friend and that's my job.

I woke up this morning with a lot of pressure on my chest
It was hard to get out of bed because I barely got any rest
I poured myself a cup of coffee and took a look in my bedroom mirror
I looked messy and horrible but I told my reflection "you look beautiful dear"
I went outside for a cigarette and let the cold air hit my skin
I tried my best to hold back tears from the pain I held within
I sang to myself a sad song to help get me by
but the song I chose didn't help
all it did was make me cry
I try my best to stay strong
but that is an impossible task
The more I see you the more I wish our relationship would have last
There is nothing to do but for me to move on even though that is hard to do
The only reason why it's hard is because I still really love you

Sitting around this campfire
trying to write a song
I’m trying to get you off my mind
but it’s been a struggle all night long
Every sweater I have smells like you
every picture on my camera is with you
every memory is just the two of us
where all you did was make me blush
Every time I take a walk
I imagine you by my side
you were the smile on my face
you were one of my reasons to stay alive
Now all I do lately is think
of how life could have been
what would have happened if I got the courage to say
all the things I held within
I see you with her everyday at school
and all I do is smile
it’s nice to see you happy
it makes the pain stop for awhile
Then reality falls back into place
and I struggle to hold my ground
I walk to class struggling to be strong
while ignoring each and every sound
So as I sit here by this fire
I wonder how your doing tonight
I hope your having some sort of fun
I hope everything is alright
As for me I’ll finish writing this song
about the promises I try to keep
afterwards I’ll kiss the stars goodnight

Too many tears fall down her cheeks
like raindrops sliding down a window
she cries but no one hears her
she thinks no one gives a **** about her
She falls on her bed and wipes her face
she wants the pain to stop
she feels the pressure upon her chest
and she just wants it to stop
Nothing matters to her anymore
not since her brother died
school, friends, life in general
were all replaced by thoughts of suicide
She hasn’t eaten in a week
she has no appetite
she’s sick but she doesn’t care
she’s so sick of living life
Without a thought of what she’s doing
she grabs the chair from her desk
she looks to the ceiling says her brothers name then whispers “God I’m next”
she puts the rope around her neck
and takes her last breath
a picture of her and her brother slips from her hand
as she hangs herself to death

I don't want him to go away
I don't want us to go away
I don't want our memories to go away
I don't want to lose him
I don't want all of the good times we have to disappear
I don't ever want to think about us splitting up
I like being with him
I like who I am around him
I like how nothing can hurt me when I am in his arms
I like hearing his voice when I am going to sleep
I like how he kisses me goodbye when I leave his house at night
I like the friendship we have
I like how close we are
I like how he makes me laugh
I like how he wipes my tears away
I like how the world looks so pretty when he is smiling at me
I like his encouragement
I like how he keeps me strong
I like how on really hot days we always find something to do
I like how he calls me "babe"
I like how I can get so crazy around him and he doesn't care
I like how he's pure of heart
I want him to stay
I want us to stay
I want the memories we have to never go away

I have an unusual best friend

he’s my cat Ronnie

he is very smart for a cat

and he is incredibly funny

He has a way of telling me

when I’m being a total *****

like dumping water from his dish all over the floor

it just makes me blow a gasket

I love the way he lays on my neck

so his purring puts me to sleep

I love how he sits in the shower with me

he always looks so sweet

I love how he puts his nose on mine

as I’m trying to write a poem

and I love how he meows like crazy

whenever I come home

Ronnie is my best friend

he will sit with me for hours if I’m crying on the bathroom floor

He doesn’t beg for my food when I’m eating

and he can never leave me alone

He watches me as I do dishes

as if he’s watching something fascinating

he likes watching my coffee *** brew coffee

because of the sound it makes and everything

Ronnie and I have a bond

I have never had with another pet

I fell in love with him before he could open his eyes

and he was my cat when I didn’t have him yet

He is the one friend I can count on

I know he will never break my heart

I love my kitty cat Ronnie

he’s my reason to keep from falling apart

If singing a song would make your tears go away
I would sing you every song I know
If telling you stories makes you laugh
I would talk until I couldn't speak anymore
If the sound of my voice saying your name gives you butterflies
I would say your name over and over again
If you were falling apart at three in the morning
I would walk over and let you cry as I held your hand
If you said you were ugly
I would go on for hours telling you how handsome you are to me
If you wanted to dance but there was no music
I would dance with you to the sound of your heartbeat
If you ever felt worthless I would tell you all the reasons why you are amazing
If you were feeling restless I would take you out so we could do something crazy
If I could I would take your broken heart, fix it and keep it with me
I would prove to you how much I love you so you could learn to trust me
I would carry your heart everywhere with me
I would do what I could to keep it safe
I wouldn't give any other girl a chance to tear it up
I wouldn't leave it in a random place
If we fought from time to time
I wouldn't stop loving you if I tried
You would always be on my mind
I would love you until the day I die
I would do anything to see you smile
I would go to hell and back for you without any fear
I would prove to you I am not like most girls
I am faithful and honest
as long as you want me to stay I won't be going anywhere

My mom is one of my best friends
and here is my reason why
she tells me that I’m beautiful
she is there when I need to cry
she always cheers me on
even if she don’t agree
she tells me how to stand up for myself
she encourages me to be me
My mom reminds me that I’m special
whenever I have a bad day
she holds me when I’m hurting
while assuring me I will be okay
she’s available when I need to talk
even when she’s really busy
I love how when I’m gone too long
she texts me because she misses me
I really love my mom
she gives me power to take on the world
even when I’m acting like a brat
she still considers me her baby girl
On days when I don’t look my best
she still takes me out
at times when life gets overwhelming
she reminds me what life is really about
I don’t ever want to lose my mom
my mom is like my twin
we fight and scream at each other sometimes
but in the end nobody wins
My mom is just so awesome
she’s the person that keeps me calm
if I had to choose my role model
it would have to be my mom.

Swaying on the swing set in the warm summer breeze
I close my eyes and smile
I love days like these
Days at the park are priceless
I let my mind go free
I dance as the leaves make music
I run feeling the cold grass on my feet
I sit on the bench and watch others live their lives
I am in awe with what I see
There are no celebrities walking the red carpet
I see average people like you and me
I come to the park to escape the teenage life
whenever I'm here I feel like I am four again
No girl is judging me or my clothes
no guy is calling me a *****
As the sun touches my skin I feel a warmth that can only come from love
I think about the scars on my arms
I cry until I have had enough
I get up and I spin in circles again
with each circle I make a piece of my past falls off of me
and that moment becomes a brand new day

I sat down in front of him
"If I agreed to ******* would you spend the rest of the night getting to know me?"
He looked at me with shock in his eyes
"Yes."
"What if I took away your chance of ******* me, would you still get to know me?"
He swallowed
"Why are you asking me this?"
"I want to know if you have the ***** to open yourself up to the possibility of love."
He leaned forward
"Why would I do that?"
"I am offering you the chance of a lifetime. Now you want to get to know me and be happy the rest of your life? Or should I leave you to find your next good **** which will only bring you happiness for an hour?"
He stared at me
"I bet you $1,000 you don't have it in you to take this risk."
He stuck out his hand
"You're on."

We have been together for fifty years now
After spending the night getting to know me
minus the ***
I wrote him a check for $1,000
To this day it still sits in his top dresser drawer
He refuses to cash it

Sleep with me
I don't mean in a ****** way
Lay beside me, spoon me, wrap your arms around me
Hold me so tight that we won't need to use a blanket
because our bodies heat is enough

Eat dinner with me
I don't mean fast food
Sit at a table with me, share an appetizer with me
Order a meal that cost more than my pair of shoes as we drink wine
while pretending there is no possibility of the night ending

Have a conversation with me
I don't mean gossiping about others
Sit in front of me, look me straight in the eyes
Tell me everything your heart desires
so I can listen to your words with passion

Kiss me
I don't mean with tongue
Take my face into your hands
Kiss me so gently that I can feel every goose bump that forms on my body
Kiss me so slow I become so weak in the knees
you will have to catch me and carry me in your arms

Stand in the rain with me
I don't mean allowing yourself to get soaked
Stand in the rain with your arms spread wide
Tilt your head back and feel the chill soak into your veins
giving you a rush as if your life has just been transformed

Go star gazing with me
I don't mean lie on the ground and look up at the sky
Look at every star
See how even in the dark the most beautiful things are found
Let the stars take your breath away
Let your mind wander about all of the things your heart is afraid to open up to
Just think that every choice you made
every step you took
every obstacle you faced brought you to this very moment with me

Dance with me
I don't mean grind on me
Take my right hand into your left
Hold me and spin me around like Cinderella
until I can no longer feel the ground beneath my feet

Love me
I don't mean buy me gifts
Cherish me, appreciate me, make love to me on the living room floor
Do things with me like cooking pasta at 3 am
Ask me about my day
Treat me as your equal
Spoil me by allowing me to spoil you
Don't take me for granted
Continue to treat me just the way you did before you had me
Fall in love with me everyday
just like I fall in love with you

Dear Lord,

I am scared to live my life
out of fear of getting hurt
For most of my life I have been abused
disappointed and treated like dirt
I know you are the key to happiness
yet I always run away
I make promises to do better
but tend to do the opposite everyday
Control is always a problem for me
it is something that I desperately crave
I find it hard to be myself sometimes
when I know that is the one thing that makes me brave
I am seriously lost, Lord
I feel like throwing in the towel
I have dreams I want to make come true
I just don't know how
Lord, take away my fear
replace my fear with faith
Please give me peace of mind
fill me with love and burn my self hate
Give me strength when I feel weak
send angels to comfort me when I am lonely
Help me ignore the devil's negativity
surround me with anything that is holy
Take away my doubts
replace my depression with energy
Surround me with positive hearts
who will be constant reminders that you are with me
Help me to be strong
help me to not be so angry
Help me to never forget
that through you I can do anything

Dear guardian angel I am really frustrated
I hate being talked about and I hate being hated
I just want to go home, I do not want to be here
I want to be cool with the friends that I love so dear
I do not like feeling uncomfortable
Please make this feeling stop
it feels like someone is holding me down while beating my face in with a rock
I really want this day to be good
I want this day to be fun
I do not want to get angry and call my mom because that's all I do is run
Guardian angel please be with me today
keep me strong if I start to cry
I know I am a hassle but I will try to behave even though I just want to die
Give me a song to replay in my head to remind me I will be alright
Help my sister to have a good day too so me and her do not have a fight
Guardian angel help me keep my comments to myself
help me to have no fear
Help me walk tall with my chin up
even though I feel really weird
Help me to be my best self
Help me to be patient
Help me to not be so tense today
help me to just go with it

I promise to be confident
I promise to be true
I promise to not be so ******* myself
I promise to start new
I promise to not call myself ugly
I promise to not fall apart
I promise to cry when I’m happy
I promise to be strong
I promise to not be selfish
I promise to be myself
I promise to be my own kind of beautiful
I promise not to be jealous of anyone else
I promise to always smile
I promise to be sweet
I promise to make good decisions
I promise to be healthy
I promise to always hope
I promise to not give up
I promise to be a good friend
I promise to not call myself a **** up
I promise to be honest
I promise to shine
I promise to fight to the end
I promise to protect what’s mine
I promise to not call myself fat
I promise to just relax
I promise to believe in myself
I promise to ignore what’s being said behind my back
I promise to do my best
I promise to love unconditionally
I promise to live like there is no tomorrow
I promise to not give up on me

I promise to be confident
I promise to be true
I promise to not be so ******* myself
I promise to start new
I promise to not call myself ugly
I promise to not fall apart
I promise to cry when I’m happy
I promise to be strong
I promise to not be selfish
I promise to be myself
I promise to be my own kind of beautiful
I promise not to be jealous of anyone else
I promise to always smile
I promise to be sweet
I promise to make good decisions
I promise to be healthy
I promise to always hope
I promise to not give up
I promise to be a good friend
I promise to not call myself a **** up
I promise to be honest
I promise to shine
I promise to fight to the end
I promise to protect what’s mine
I promise to not call myself fat
I promise to just relax
I promise to believe in myself
I promise to ignore what’s being said behind my back
I promise to do my best
I promise to love unconditionally
I promise to live like there is no tomorrow
I promise to not give up on me

I used to starve myself for him
I would go days without eating because
I wanted to look like the posters of women in their underwear
he had hanging in his bedroom
I would make excuses as to why I could never
go eat with him at a restaurant
I didn't want him or the world to see me as a pig
I would make myself sick trying to look good for him
My hair wasn't thick anymore
His mom used to make comments about my face sinking in
I had to wear more makeup to cover up the dark circles
that began to form under my eyes
I made sure my arms never jiggled
I didn't care that my hands hurt all of the time
I was able to go without wearing a bra because
my ***** were disappearing
I could see my hip bones perfectly
My thigh gap made me smile
Exercising became addicting and
anything involving weight loss was all that I spent money on
*** was great
I never worried about hurting him while being on top
because I was small
Pregnancy wan't a concern because lack of eating
took away my menstrual cycle
I never felt pretty unless I got his approval
I did everything I could to look good for him
To be good enough for him
Two years of this insane unhealthy roller coaster
only to be cheated on and broken up with before my favorite holiday
I starved myself for him
and still that wasn't good enough

I look at old photographs
all I can do is cry
I sit outside and let myself freeze
as I look at the stars in the sky
I'm wondering how you're doing
I haven't seen you in a month
The last memory I have with you
is you telling me you love me very much
I think about the words you told me
I remember how you said them so perfectly
You told everyone that I was your girl
you told your family how much you loved me
Now everything is different
no one believes that now
I'm trying to not be so insecure
but honestly I don't know how
I sit here in this cold weather
doing all I can to breathe
It's hard to move, it's hard to think
when I'm begging to God on my knees
I wrap myself up in a blanket
I look at the stars one last time
I pray that you're happy wherever you are
I hope to God that you're doing alright