Let's sit on this park bench together
and watch the people go by
We can dip our french fries into our ice cream
as we laugh while we cry

Let's swing on the swing set
and sing obnoxiously out loud
We can lean back as far as we can
until we feel as light as the clouds

Let's lay side by side on the grass
and chase butterflies with our eyes as we hold hands
We can cherish the moment
where we pretend to be children again

It is so hard to grow into a better person
when I have so many people reminding me
of who I used to be.
Three years ago I was sad,
obsessed with my weight,
lonely,
bitter,
angry,
terrified
and withdrawn.
I was a lot of things I wish I never was.
It's hard being in a good mood after you hit rock bottom
when you have no idea of who you truly are,
when you're basically lost it is not easy to be happy,
social,
open,
confident
and kind.
I have worked really hard to be comfortable with who I am.
I feel a change within myself that has brought me true peace.
The kind of peace you read about in motivational quotes
all over the internet.
I don't want to stay in bed sleeping my life away anymore,
I don't want to feel guilty for eating a sandwich,
I don't want to be uncomfortable around people,
I don't want to be cold hearted,
upset all of the time,
held back,
defensive,
rude and closed off from the world.
I want to be free from those things,
I want to feel good in my skin,
I want to be embraced for who I am now
not for the person that I used to be.
You have no idea how challenging it is to change
after engaging in certain habits for so long.
Do not be afraid of who I am becoming
be proud of me
I may not like to admit it
but I need you now more than ever.

I can't remember where I came from
It's like I woke up in a world
I have no recollection of entering
Everything is cold
Freezing even
Normally I don't mind the cold
I usually find comfort in it
only this time the coldness is causing me to feel scared
I'm soaked
As if I was swimming yet there is nowhere to swim
I feel concrete underneath my bare feet
I can't see where I am in the dark
With each step I take
I am terrified something will hurt me
Despite my fear I continue to keep walking
until I scream out in pain
Something cut me
I'm bleeding now
I can feel a warm sensation oozing from my foot
It felt like a razor
but I have no way of knowing
Now I am being cut all over my body
with each scream the pain intensifies
I stop screaming as the pain forces me to the ground
leaving me in a ****** mess
I can hear the ticking of a clock
It's faint at first
Then it gets louder
So loud I have to cover my ears
but I can't
I'm in too much pain to move
The clock chimes
I instantly wake up in my bed
I touch myself to see if I'm hurt
Nothing there
I lie in bed trying to catch my breath
as I replay my nightmare over in my head
trying to figure out what it meant

Right now I am writing you a song
hoping you will read it for me
I am writing about the things I see in you
and how I love everything you turned out to be
Every time we talk
I feel a weight being lifted off of my chest
After all of the mistakes I have seemed to make
you have never loved me less
I love you more than life itself
I am sure everyone can see that
I go to school just to be near you
and because of you I have grown to love it
You have changed me in many ways
you're the best choice I ever made
When I think of the day I met you
I would have to say that was the best day...

Just because I walk around sometimes
in a nice dress showing off my legs
does not mean I am asking to get *****
Men with blue eyes are a turn on for me
It does not give me the right to take a blue eyed man
and force him to have *** with me
Women can be rapists too
Not just men
You are never allowed to put your hands on someone
without their permission
You do not have the right to force *** on anyone
I don't care how turned on you are
There are boundaries
There are lines you do not cross
NO MEANS NO

I do not want to be told I love you anymore
People say that way too much and half the time they do not even mean it
It is to the point that I do not even believe in that anymore
Instead of saying I love you
Tell me I complete you
Tell me I am perfect to you just the way that I am
Tell me that I matter to you
That would be enough

I am driving back to New Jersey
the holidays are now over
I am going to miss sleeping in your arms
and playing in the snow with you for hours
This long distance thing can be so annoying
but it is worth it every time I see you
I just wish we never have to part
because I hate being away from you
I am halfway through my drive
your face is all I keep thinking about
I will not see you for another thirty days
I do not think I can wait that long
I thought this long distance would be good for me
since I am so afraid to get close to anybody
Yet every goodbye makes you sad
and seeing you sad just kills me
A tear falls down my cheek
my heart is aching for you
I know my life is in New Jersey
but I belong in California with you
I quickly turn my car around
not giving a **** if other drivers on the road get ******
I am either all in or all out
I know longer want to be long distance

I have been told multiple times that I talk about my mental health issues way too much. I have been accused of sharing my story to gain attention. I have been accused of using my past as a way to get people to feel sorry for me. However, that could not be further from the truth. I talk about my mental health issues openly because I know what it's like to be alone and suffer in silence. I do it for the ones who are struggling and who do not have a voice out of fear of being told to shut up. I am not the one that needs attention. The topic of mental health issues are what needs attention. I do not need anyone feeling sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for me. Everyone goes through some kind of hell in their lives  and my battle with mental health is my hell. The ones who complain about me speaking out are always the ones who get off on telling people to be quiet. They are the kind of people who are ignorant and are so quick to judge issues they know nothing about. I refuse to be silenced. I refuse to let others who are in my shoes to be silenced. I refuse to let negative people get to me. I spent so long living in silence as well as many others trying to cover up the mental health issues in our world today because it makes people uncomfortable. It's time to speak up. It's time to be educated on these issues. It's time to make a difference so we can save more lives.

I count how many days you've been gone
and I can't help but cry
I wish every day for you to come back
on every star in the sky
You don't know how much I miss you
I just lay in bed all day
I can't bring myself to take a shower
because of the image in my head of you going away
I talk to you from time to time
but that doesn't make things easier
I wear your t-shirts just to feel closer to you
hoping that will be my broken heart's cure
Yet I still cry
as these thoughts race through my head
I stare at the picture of us
as I fall asleep in my bed
Why does it feel like my heart is breaking
more than it is healing
I guess the pain that I'm feeling
is my only reminder that you were ever real.

I feel like I'm losing air
I can't seem to breathe
no matter how many times I try to relax
I still trip over my feet
I feel like I'm going in circles
I hear my heart beating like crazy
I'm thinking of all the reasons as to why I feel this way
but I can't remember anything
Why can't I catch my breath?
Why can't I speak?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why am I getting weak?
Somebody tell me what is happening
why doesn't anyone care?
this unexplainable feeling goes away
once I wake up from this horrible nightmare.

I've been spending a lot of time alone
just thinking about the last few months
I've let go of friends, I've made new friends
and I lost someone I loved very much
What I thought would last forever
was ripped away from me over night
every thing I was told was a lie
and it tore me apart inside
Things have gotten better
my heart is however scarred
I'm scared of getting close to someone
out of fear it will all fall a part
Maybe I'm a dreadful curse
a walking bad luck charm
I'm as ugly as cigarette ashes
yet deep as a **** on an arm
Maybe the last few months is a sign
that love for me isn't meant to be
or maybe this is God's way of preparing me
for the one who is meant to be with me.

Take me to the beach
Let me feel the sand between my toes
Let me sit and fall apart
about all of the things I can never talk about out loud
Let me write my name in the sand as if it will make a difference
then watch it disappear without a trace
Let me swim in the ocean
Let me tie something heavy to my ankle so I can drown
as all of my baggage that I used to carry
suddenly floats away with my last gasp for air
Let the sharks eat away at the parts of my body
that I always find disgusting when I look into the mirror
Let the sunset carry my soul to heaven
where I can finally be at peace without the emotional torment
that always weighs me down
Let the pages in my journal fly with the wind
to be ripped to shreds like my life
that never mattered anyways

I don’t care what you did before I met you.
I don’t care who you use to be,
I don’t care who you slept with,
what drugs you did,
what mistakes you made in the past.
Everyone has skeletons including myself.
You are who you are because of the mistakes you made.
I can’t change the past.
I can only live in the now.
Who you are now is what matters most to me.
I’m not the same person I was 7 years ago and niether are you so why judge each other for people we used to be?
That was then.
This is now.
Now is all that matters to me.

You are such an *******
You wait until you're 3,000 miles away
to tell me that you love me
You told me that I wasn't the one
You said meeting me wasn't fate
You told me that being with me
would be a huge mistake
Now that you're not here
you tell me that you were wrong
You tell me that all of the signs were there
you were just too ******* up to notice
You thought I was like every other girl in town
NEWSFLASH!
I am nothing like the girls in this town
I don't sleep around as if I am in competition with girls
who have no respect for themselves
Contrary to what you may think
I never wanted your ****
I wanted your heart
I wanted to love you madly
I wanted to love you so much that when you looked into the mirror
you had no choice but to see yourself in a whole new light
I wanted to make it impossible for you to figure me out
God forbid someone would want to get to know you
for who you truly were right?
I never fought for you
because I believe in fate
I believe if two people are meant to be together
they will be
It doesn't matter how much distance is between two people
It doesn't matter what their story line is
If it's meant to be
it will be
I wasn't going to beg you to love me
I'm not desperate
It's not my job to tell you what an idiot you are
You feel lost without me?
Good
Shame on you for comparing me to other girls
who don't even know what true love is
If you miss me that much
then come back
Prove it to me
Prove to me why I should give you a chance
when even God knows you sure as hell do not deserve one

Hello October!
I have missed you so
I have been counting down the days until I see you
and all that you have to show
Fall has been here for a week
We have already begun our holiday traditions
I am looking forward to seeing November too
you have no idea how much I have missed him
How have you been?
You look beautiful as ever
The crew will be complete
once we are in the arms of our dear friend cooler weather
Our other friends are on their way to town
to throw the best parties of the year
I am ecstatic to see Jack Skellington
things are always better when he is near
I am so excited to have you here for the next thirty days
I am ready to be gory
and insane in so many ways
It feels so good to hug you
you are just as I remember
I am so glad to have my best friend back
Welcome home October!

They were total opposites
In fact they didn't even belong together
They were so incompatible
Even their friends thought their relationship was strange
He was a high school graduate with a good paying job
She was a high school drop out
working at the mall during the day
For fun she wrote poetry at night
while he enjoyed listening to eighties music as he worked on cars
He was a huge *** smoker
whereas she was the type to read books as a way to relax
He had a minor criminal record
and she couldn't take a risk to save her life
They fought over stupid things
Things that didn't even make sense half of the time
He was the kind of guy to crack jokes when she was mad
She was the type to get angry because he never took anything seriously
He wanted to stay in his hometown
She wanted to travel the world
He hated the cold
She adored it
He hated Christmas and didn't believe in Jesus
Christmas to her was heaven on earth and she was a christian
He sometimes wondered why he was with her and vice versa
When he thought of breaking up with her
he knew he would miss her
He never thought of himself as attractive
in fact he saw himself as a loser
But in her eyes he was perfect
She couldn't get enough of him
She never had high self esteem
in her eyes she was the low life *******
She felt intimidated by his success
she couldn't help but wonder why he liked her
People close to them have said before
they would never last as a couple
They were too different, too abnormal
they were better off with other people
What he didn't know was that his smile
gave her butterflies you wouldn't believe
What she didn't realize was that her body
made him weak in the knees
Despite her obsession with always trying to be good enough
he was crazy about her mind
She was smart in a way he couldn't put into words
Her laughter drove him wild
She hated how whenever she tried to express herself
he would make a joke about what she was saying
She sometimes felt offended
and stupid for not being more interesting
The way he made her feel comfortable in her skin though
it was like fireworks on the fourth of July
She was never afraid to get naked in front of him
she was beautiful in his eyes
When worse came to worse they were there for each other
If anyone made her cry
he would beat the **** out whoever caused her tears
Even though he was an idiot sometimes if anyone called him that word
she was on their *** faster than they could blink
Despite the fear of vulnerability
he worked hard to open up as much as he could
Even though the pressure to be perfect was like a drug
she did her best to just be herself
He enjoyed reading her poetry
especially the ones she wrote about him
She enjoyed hearing his jokes
even if she couldn't understand them
At the end of the day they loved each other
they accepted each others flaws
They both got what they always wanted
to be able love another human being so deeply
and to be loved in return

Oh Darling,
It kills me inside to see you so sad
You are so young
You are so beautiful
I won't be the kind of person who tells you that you are too young
to be so sad
Depression doesn't care about age
Depression doesn't care about race
Depression doesn't care that you have a plate full of problems already
Depression is a sneaky *******
Depression has a way of reaching into your personal outer space
and wrap it's arms so tightly around your neck as it forces you
down into the deepest part of the ocean
It lets you go every once in awhile but as soon as you are so close
to reaching the surface to finally catch your breath
it comes back up and down you go again
I'm sure somewhere in your heart you know that you are beautiful
You know that you are strong
You know that you are capable of doing anything you set your mind to
However, depression doesn't let us see our beauty
It doesn't let us feel our strength
Depression takes away our ability to get through the hell it unleashes onto us
I spent seven years slicing up my arms in the hopes that my sadness
would leak out of me
I spent months starving myself
as a way to make up for the beauty depression took from me
I spent so many nights envisioning suicide and attempting not once
not twice
but three times because I was so tired of feeling sad
I was so tired of being sore not just on the inside but on the outside
I was tired of feeling like I was constantly drowning
Someone once told me I was too young to be sad
I laughed in anger because how dare that person tell me that
How dare that person make me feel like I was being ridiculous
for feeling how I felt
Do you think I enjoyed making myself bleed?
Do you think I enjoyed being hungry?
Do you think I enjoyed feeling tired because I was fighting a battle that no one else could fight but me
I know that when you cry yourself to sleep at night
you wish you could just fall asleep in peace
I know that when you take those pills
you don't really want to take them
but you are running out of options on how to make your unhappiness go away
They say it's the people around you
It's the things that you watch
It's the things that you read that make you so sad
The only people who tell you that are people who have never
ever experienced true depression
I haven't cut myself in three years
That doesn't mean that when depression pays me a visit
I don't wish that I could lean on a razor to feel better
I am not here to tell you what to do or what not to do
I am here to let you know that I understand what it's like
to feel the way that you do
I understand what it's like
to be where you are right now
I know what it is like to just want to die because you are tired of fighting
I also know now that there is a light at the end of this dark
and what feels like an endless tunnel
I know that if you keep fighting
you will get through this sadness
I'm not saying the sadness will go away because it won't
I'm twenty three years old and that sadness I felt as a teenager
still lingers behind me each and every day
I learned to reach inside myself
and use my sadness as a weapon to kick depression's ***
It's exhausting each and every day
It was devastating to learn that I will be fighting this battle for the rest of my life
I have two options every morning when I wake up
I can choose to fight or choose to give up
Oh Darling
It kills me inside to see you so sad
You are so young
You are so beautiful
I won't be the kind of person who tells you that you are too young
to be so sad
I will be the person that loves you
and shows you that there is life beyond this ugly thing called depression


If you ever need someone to talk to: 24-hour Hotline.
National Suicide Prevention Helpline.
1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)

I wish I was lying in the snow
surrounded by pine trees
I feel like I can't catch my breath
I can't decide if this is anxiety that I am feeling
or if I am just overwhelmed with happiness
I suppose I could call a friend
let that friend know how I feel
It's hard to tell someone about your problems though
when they don't consider your problems real
You see there is this guy that I like
he is everything I have been searching for
This afternoon out of nowhere
he showed up at my front door
Apparently he has a crush on me
so he thought he would take a chance
By coming to my house
and asking me out to dance
I said to him "that would be lovely"
he replied with "I will see you tomorrow night at six"
After he left I tensed up and started feeling like this
I haven't been out with a man in two years
what was I going to do
I can't go on this date
I'll end up looking like a fool
A part of me wants to cancel
another part of me wants to go
He seems like a gentleman
but how do I know
My cell phone begins to buzz
I see his name on the screen
I sit up in fast motion
trying to comprehend everything
I can't back out of this date now
that would be rude and selfish
I guess I just have to swallow my anxiety
and take this chance at happiness

Once upon a time
there was a girl who couldn't feel
when unexpected things happened
she acted like they weren't real
She was very hard to read
I know because I've tried
she thought she was ugly
she thought everyone lied
Everyday she cut
she didn't want to live
she thought nobody loved her
so she's never forgive
She was always alone
she smoked a cigarette per hour
she took care of herself though
she smelled as sweet as a flower
Her birthday came and went
nobody knew
her heart was broken
she didn't know what to do
So once upon a time
there was a girl who couldn't feel
she killed herself when the unexpected happened
she found her way to deal.

I guarantee that when this hour of conversation is over
you're going to want to marry me

You sag your pants
I prefer mine tight
You wear beanies on your head
I wear my hair spiked high
You wear shoes bigger than my face
I prefer my small converse
You like to go out everyday
I like to stay home underneath the covers
You like to get things done quick
I procrastinate
You're impatient when waiting to take showers
while I can wait for hours
You like naked women on your bedroom walls
I prefer song lyrics
You like to talk about your day
I love hearing about it
You like to think about things
I like to jump to conclusions
you know why you do the things you do
whereas I never have a reason
You like things neat
I like a little mess here or there
You worry about what others think
I simply just don't care
We are total opposites
people like us normally fight
Instead we get along so well
we can stand to sleep together at night
We can spend hours together
and spend our time wonderfully
It's amazing to me how two different people
can mesh together so perfectly

There are so many guys in this world
but all I want is you
your everything I've ever wanted
even after all the drama we have been through
Your the smile on my face when I take pictures
your the song that I'm singing when I'm alone
your the last person I go to bed thinking about
your the first person I talk to in the morning on the phone
Your my inspiration for the poetry I write
your my laugh when I'm with my family
your my go to person when I need advice
even when I'm ******* you find ways to make me happy
Your my confidence when I'm afraid
your arms are my safe place when I need comfort
your my sunshine on rainy days
and the only one I can stand to be around for hours
Your my Prince Charming just like in the Disney movies
your my pillow when I'm in pain
your the song and I'm the lyrics
your the thunder and I'm the rain
Your my Mickey and I'm your Minnie
your my future and best friend
your my husband and my dream come true
the one that I promise to love till the very end.

I went to a party last night
with a man I only knew for five minutes
We didn't exchange names
we wanted to remain mysterious
We conversed with over 500 different strangers
all the while holding hands
We smoked some ****, got so drunk
our adrenaline was running fast
We pulled an all nighter dancing to music
we normally don't care for when we're sober
We were sweaty, hot, exhausted
and deeply attracted to each other
We made out in some random basement
but not once did he force *** on me
Instead we went to a park
and laid in some grass until five thirty in the morning
When the night was over and the sun came up
I vomited all over his lap
Instead of being a ****
he kindly held my hair back
We went to the nearest gas station
where he bought me water and some aspirin
It was then he asked me what my name was
so I told him
He took me home after breakfast at Denny's
I put my number into his phone
He thanked me for the unusual first date
I mentioned we should do it again soon
I laughed as I went into the house
letting him leave for his Mom's to go get our kids
I sat on the couch with a happy sigh
it was fun reliving the first date I had with my husband

Every time I see you smile
my heart skips a beat
I smile like an idiot
my eyes began to shine
Every time we meet
Every time you laugh
I get butterflies in my stomach
I get goosebumps on my arms
my face turns red
and I can't think of a response
Every time you hold my hand
a shiver runs up my spine
I feel comfortable enough to put my head on your shoulder
close my eyes and thank God your mine
Every time you kiss me
I feel so safe and complete
I love the feeling of your body agaisnt me
as you sweep me off my feet
Every time you speak
the rest of the world goes away
all that matters is you and I
and it's like this everyday
Every time we say goodbye
I feel excitement knowing I'll see you tomorrow
I drive away feeling on top of the world
Every time I think about your smile.

Sometimes I get so emotionally overwhelmed because I love so many people so much for so many different reasons. Even people who I don’t talk to anymore, they were a huge part of my life and I grew to love them for the way they did things, for the way they see things, the way they felt things. I’ve met a lot of people in my life and every person I meet whether it’s for 5 minutes, 5 months, 5 years, ect. I don’t keep people around for no reason. I keep people around because I love them and words can’t describe how much love I have in my heart for certain people. I write about how I feel and it’s so much that I cry because no amount of words on paper can describe how I feel. It’s not just people either. It’s love for certain places, certain songs, certain moments. I have a way of remembering everything about a particular moment. If something happened and it touched me in a way that it changed my life a little bit or a lot, I remember what song was playing, I remember the weather, I remember how that person smelled, what we were drinking, what we were talking about, what thoughts were going through my head and every time I go back in my head I remember that moment like it was yesterday. It amazes me how certain moments can make us see things and feel things. I just wish I could go to every person who has changed my life and tell them personally how much I love them and how their presence has filled my heart with so much joy.

"I Love You"
He said to her
She looked at him
with fear in her eyes
"Why does that scare you so much?"

I am pretty certain that you don't love me anymore
I see the way you look at other women
especially her
Your eyes adore her whenever she is in your presence
Your eyes used to stare at me like that
Now whenever you look at me you are disgusted
You are annoyed
I am the last person you want to see
I know for a fact that when you say you're going out with friends
you're secretly meeting up with her
I caught you one afternoon
in the cafe you and I used to go to and sit for hours
locking lips continuously as poets spoke their hearts out in the background
I caught you kissing her
caressing her
showing her attention just like you used to do to me
Everyone knows you're cheating on me
yet no one will say anything
I know that when we *******'re picturing her face but
I am too dumb and weak to think that I deserve better
I must have done something to deserve your betrayal
So like the pathetic ***** I am
I let you treat me like crap
I let you secretly see her and pretend you're with your friends
as I get drunk at home
I believe your lies hoping I will eventually become numb to them
I let you envision her while we are in bed because for some reason
I live to make you happy
I know you will tell me to leave sooner or later
yet a part of me hopes that you won't
I am pretty stupid to let a man treat me this way
Having low self esteem will do that to a person
How utterly pathetic

Sitting at home with nothing to do
everything that I touch seems to remind me of you
I’m reminded of times when each embrace made me fly
now all I can think about is your final goodbye
All the things you said to me
they were never true
you had me thinking you loved me
now I’m left feeling like a fool…
The actions your taking
are taking everyone by surprise
you used to be the honest one
now your full of nothing but lies
I don’t know what your thinking
or what your on the verge of getting yourself into
if you were really that miserable
all you had to say was “Mandie I no longer want you”
I would have walked away
and taken all I should have said with me
and left your house with a smile
so my pain you would never see

I believe that if a man cannot handle you in pajamas or sweatpants then he does not deserve to see you in a **** pair of jeans or a dress.

Today I feel sick
I also feel very tired
All I want to do is sleep but I can't because my stomach hurts too much
I have no energy to do anything
I do not want to talk to anybody
I just want to sleep the day away but that is turning out to be impossible
Even as I write this my head is beginning to hurt
I have these headaches so much lately that it is hard to do anything
Sometimes I feel like a zombie because I force myself to live
otherwise I would just lay in bed and waste the day away
I feel like crap all of the time
maybe I am dying from a disease and do not know it
I am too scared to go to the doctor
so I live in pain and try my best to ignore it
Ignoring it does not help it just makes the problem worse
I do not know what I am going to do
I am running out of ways to deal with this
Maybe if I just pop a bunch of pills
I will be knocked out and pain free forever

I took a few pills
in the hope that they would take away my pain
They did for a little bit
they made me so high that I couldn't feel anything
When I awoke the next morning
the pain hit me like a car
So I took a couple more pills
but I didn't get very far
Once the effects of the pills wore off
and there was no more high
The pain got incredibly worse
to the point it made me cry
I took some more of those **** pills
too upset to pay attention to the dose
I never woke up the next morning
I was stuck in a coma
The doctors pronounced me dead
without the breathing machine I wouldn't survive
Yet something inside me said otherwise
causing me to stay alive
I woke up after two days
of living in a comatose dream
The pain came crashing down on me hard
but it felt good to feel something
Once I was able to breathe on my own
the doctors explained to me what had happened
They told me that I had overdosed
as my family stood in the background crying
They asked me question after question
wanting to know why I took the pills
I told them that I didn't know
even though I knew the truth
Life threw me a few curve *****
I wasn't quite ready to catch
I thought the pills would help me
instead the brought me closer to death
The doctors sent me to rehab
a place I had hoped to avoid
I had a chance to change my life
or endure another unplanned suicide
I wasn't sure where to go with myself
I just wanted my **** pills
The pills didn't benefit me
they just made me more emotionally ill
The pain I faced hurt like hell
that is when I missed pills the most
The more I confronted my pain
the more I began to feel like myself
I learned that pills didn't help me at all
they just fed the things that were hurting me the most
My waking up in the hospital wasn't a miracle
it was God's way of giving me the chance to save myself
One year later I found those pills sitting in dust on my shelf
they reminded me of my near death experience
and how much they put me through hell
I flushed those **** pills down the toilet
for a minute I stood still
I never in my life would have thought
that my life would be forever changed by a pill.





This poem is dedicated to the following people:

To the friends I lost due to their addictions with pills and other drugs. I miss you terribly and I wish you were here with me today. I think about you all of the time and my heart stills aches for you all.

To the friends who have overdosed on pills and survived. I am really happy you are here and I am so proud of you for getting the help you need to live your lives to the fullest.

To the friends who are still addicted to pills and other drugs. I really wish you would get help because I miss you, I think you have so much to offer this world and it hurts to know you are wasting your lives hurting yourselves. I love you very much and I always will.

When you try to leave the person who is nothing but a problem for you day in and day out and you end up staying with them because you feel bad when they cry and beg for you to stay that is not love. It's pity.

You called me on the phone
you wanted to hear my voice
You asked me how I was
I told you England was nice
I have been away for a year
the distance hasn't gotten much easier
I know I should be back in America by now
but I keep finding reasons to stay here
The rain keeps me cleansed
from my personal demons I have inside
The friends I have made are exceptionally beautiful
they keep me from losing my mind
The sunrises here look like paintings
you can only touch in a dream
My nights at the pub are where I unwind
and I feel as if I can do anything
Everyday I am fighting a battle
of being in love with a place and a person
England is a love affair
that grasped at my heart strings and never let go
I've planned on coming here for most of my life
I knew this would happen one day
I just never thought I would end up meeting my soulmate
one month before I was to go away
I know people can go at anytime
and that places will always stay where they are
However I feel like I have finally found myself
and for the first time I'm not scared of anything at all
I don't want to lose you
but I know you'll never come here
The last thing I wanted was to hurt you
I'm sorry but I'm not leaving England

I want to be remembered forever when I die.

I want to be remember as the girl who wiped your tears away whenever you were sad,

The one who took an interest in what you liked when everyone else thought you were lame,

The one who wanted nothing but the best for you when others tried to bring you down,

The one who’s strong for you when you feel like you can’t do this alone,

The one who reminds you how amazing you are when you feel worthless,

The one who will always be your friend for life so you always know you can count on me.

I’m not going to live forever,

I will die someday

but my goal in life is to touch your heart in every possible way.

I want you to know I’m here for you

I support you in everything you do

just promise to do the same and never forget to remember me too.

As I lay here by your side
Warm in your arms
I think about wanting to stay here forever
As I ignore the alarm
I hold tightly onto your body
And I fall asleep to the rhythm of your heart
I dream about our days together
Their beautiful like a work of art
I can't wait for more moments like this
I feel so peaceful when I'm with you
I don't have to speak for you to know how I feel
There's nothing I really have to do
Except look into your eyes and smile
And you see right into my soul
You love me for who I really am
That's all I really need to know.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 1, 2011 Sunday 12:33 A.M

That's the way the world is though.
The fakes get all of the attention and glory
for being something that their not
and the people who are true to themselves get rejected,
mistreated and bashed for living an honest life.
I honestly find my honest life peaceful.
I don't get a lot of attention
via social media and/or by people in general.
That's fine by me.
I like my small group of friends
who are happy being themselves.
I love the confidence and empowerment I feel in the air
being around people who are not fake.
My life is less chaotic and hardly has any drama.
I think that is the best thing about being a social outcast.
Fakes see it as something horrible
I see it as a blessing.

I am not a perfect angel.
My hair has a mind of it's own no matter what I do to fix it,
my teeth are not perfectly straight,
I don't have a body like the Victoria Secret models you see in magazines,
I tend to shake when speaking in front of a crowd but put me in front of 50,000 people and tell me to sing and I can do that without any probelms or fear.
I don't like being alone,
I don't like sleeping bt myself,
I smoke cigarettes as a way to stay strong when I'm stressed out,
I don't sleep when I should I find reasons to stay awake,
I take 2 hour showers and sometimes all I do is sit there and cry that way no one can hear me,
I feel safe when I wear something that belongs to a friend,
when I walk that's when I dream about my future,
food is never a priority for me I go days without eating and not even notice,
When I do sleep I fall asleep to a different movie every night to keep me from thinking too much,
my feelings get hurt easy.
music is my drug,
I don't tell anyone my birthday because I don't like it when people make a big deal about the day I was born,
I purposely wake up to sit outside early in the morning just to watch the sun rise,
I collect anything that involves the bands Mayday Parade and One Direction,
I'm always worrying about ******* somebody off,
depression is my struggle,
I got scars that aren't pretty,
I have mood swings you wouldn't believe,
I believe in the impossible,
if i had to give up my heart just so someone could live I would do it without hesitation,
I take love very seriously,
I curse a lot,
I get annoyed when people don't do what I ask them to do,
I don't like being controlled,
and writing is my way of coping with anything good or bad.
I have a hard time letting things go and I sometimes let people walk all over me because I love them too much.
I'm not perfect.
I don't try to be.
I just want to be me.
I want to be loved and accepted for me.

I am sitting in school bored out of my mind
I am looking for something to do just to pass the time
I could really use a cigarette
I really need a buzz
right now I don't care what anyone has to say
I don't care what anyone does
I am really, really tired
I am falling asleep in my chair
I could pass out on the floor
and I wouldn't even care
I do not want to do work
I do not want to do anything
I want the burn on my hand to hurry up and heal
I do not like being in pain
I hope it rains today
it has not rained in weeks
I do not mind getting wet
and jumping in puddles with my bare feet
I want someone to talk to to help me pass the time
I wish my boyfriend was here
he keeps me from being bored out of my mind

If your going to love, love unconditionally. If your going to be there for someone then be there when they need you not when you feel like it. If your going to be fearless be willing to face every challenge that comes your way. You want honesty then make sure to tell the truth. You want revenge sit back and let karma do its job. You wanna scream then scream. You wanna cry then cry. You want to be strong don’t give up. You want to change the world then be yourself 100% and never give up on your dreams.

Have you ever seen something so beautiful
that it made you want to cry?
Have you ever felt so horrible
that it caused you to wanna die?
Have you ever been so angry
that you just lost all control?
Have you ever been so sad
that you couldn’t recognize yourself anymore?
Have you ever lost somebody
and you couldn’t say goodbye?
Have you ever done something so bad
and you don’t really know why?
Have you ever been so hopeless
that you just wanted life to end?
Have you ever wanted to run away
never to be seen again?

People often ask me why a romance lover like myself is single
The answer to that question is complicated yet simple

Love terrifies me

I am one of those girls who smiles when she sees a cute couple walking down the street yet when I imagine doing that with someone my body tenses up with so much anxiety it is enough to make me puke

I lie in bed at night wishing I had someone to cuddle with
yet in the morning I am so thankful to have my bed all to myself

I would love to share a home with a man I love because I do get lonely at times but then I think of all the things that change when you live with somebody and my loneliness does not become a problem anymore

I crave the kind of romance you see in all of the movies
yet if the opportunity for romance presented itself I would turn it down because I do not have the energy to fall in love with someone so deeply and love them the way they should be loved

I do not have the motivation to put myself out there and get to know someone as I am allowing a stranger to get to know me

I do not have the courage to expose myself to the wonderful things love has to offer

I do not have the strength to deal with the possible heartbreak I will feel if things did end

I am too worn out to give my heart to someone just for it to break so I can spend the next three years putting pieces of myself back together.

Never trust a person who wouldn't walk in the rain for you.

I loved you
I loved you with a passion so strong
I was convinced it would **** me if I wasn't careful
I saw a future with you
The future I saw was so beautiful
no novel, no painting
no song, no photograph
could capture in perfect detail what I saw
There was so much I wanted with you
I wanted the makeout sessions in a room full of candlelight
I wanted to wear my best lipstick
with a tight dress and not feel insecure
when you stared at me in wonder
I wanted to let you strip me naked
and make love to me with the lights on
while letting you touch my most insecure places
and it would be okay because you found me
to be beautiful no matter what
I wanted to meet your family
and see where you came from
I wanted to answer the hard questions
your family would of asked me
to determine if I was the person worthy enough
to possibly spend your future with
I wanted the cheesy compliments
the late night fast food runs
and the petty arguments when we were both too tired
I wanted to say "yes" in tears
while you placed a diamond on my finger
and I wanted to say "I do" in a room full of people
as we came together as one
I wanted to live with you in a big house
we would deck out for the holidays
and one day fill with babies who were made up
of pure love created by you and me
I wanted to gain wrinkles and gray hair with you
as we reminisced about all of the things
we accomplished together
I wanted all of that
I wanted it so badly I could taste it
but I got scared
I felt it all
I saw it all
I knew all that I wanted with you was possible
and I freaked out
I panicked
I shut down and pushed you away
knowing deep inside I was throwing away
every dream I had with you
I began making excuses of why I
wasn't good enough to be be all of the things
we both knew I would be great at
I allowed my insecurities to take over
and keep you from loving me
the way you wanted to love me
You were patient with me
You tried to be understanding
until you had enough
You let me go and you had every right to
You once told me that loving me
was your favorite thing to do
You wanted to build with me
grow with me and share your life with me
You couldn't wait to make certain dreams come true
You were so happy
until I broke you
I broke your dreams
I broke our dreams because I was scared
If I could go back in time
I wouldn't turn away everytime you tried to kiss me in public
I wouldn't stop you from running your hands on my body
as I got dressed for bed
I wouldn't make excuses not to meet your family
when I had the opportunity to
I wouldn't have switched the topic
whenever you brought up marriage and children
I wouldn't have allowed my insecurities
to convince me that every wonderful thing
you said to me was a lie
I would let you love me
and stop trying to control everything
I wouldn't allow my fear of happiness
to build up the walls that would eventually
tear us apart
If I had a second chance with you
I would take it in a heartbeat
I wouldn't run
I'd stay and love you
the way I have always wanted to love you

She put the cap on her pen
placed the bookmark in her journal
She packed away years of poetry into boxes
and left them on the floor of her closet
She covered her desk with a black blanket
so she never had to be reminded
that the one thing she ever loved more than anything in this world
was now dead.

When your world is falling apart
Because some ******* broke your heart
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you feel so alone
And you can't reach anyone on the telephone
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your parents are fighting so bad
And you can't help but to feel sad
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you need someone to talk to
Or you just need something to do
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your confused about the world
Whether your a boy or girl
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you need to get away
And no one will listen to what you have to say
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your smile can't seem to shine
And you know your not feeling fine
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
If you need to yell and scream
Because someone tried to crush your dreams
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
If you need to cry, if you need to vent
But you don't know what to say just yet
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be waiting for you right there
If you need a friend to hold you tight
And promise you that everything will be alright
Rain or shine, day or night
All you gotta do is turn around
And I promise I'll be right there.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 22, 2012 Tuesday 6:51 A.M.

I sit in front of the river
and I stare off into space
I dig my toes beneath the sand
as the wind hits my face
the clouds float by in silence
the trees whistle like a tune
this place is so calming to me
I could stay here all afternoon
as the waves roll to the shore
you sit in front of me
you stare at me for just a second
then you lean forward to kiss me
your hands hold my face gently
as if I’m a fragile doll
you hold me close to your chest
causing me to forget it all
when the sun goes down and the moon rises
the stars come out to play
I smile as I hold your hand
today was a perfect day
we walk through the park with no care in the world
we got nothing we need to do
all I know is I have the best time
whenever I’m with you

I woke up at 3 am unable to go back to sleep
I did not want to be in bed alone
I wanted you right next to me
I could have sent you a text
maybe a phone call would have been good
But I am a hopeless romantic
so I did what every girl should
I put on a pair of jeans
slipped on some sandals and grabbed my keys
It was sprinkling outside
so I grabbed a hoodie too big for me that it almost touched my knees
I drove over to your place
not sure if you would be awake
As I pulled up to your house
I saw you sitting outside as if you were waiting for me
You stood up as I got out of the car
you chuckled as I walked to you
"I COULDN'T SLEEP!" you yelled
As I put my arms around your neck so you could lean down to kiss me
"Me neither" I said
"That is why I am here, I can't seem to sleep without you"
Then without hesitation you led me into your house
where we fell asleep in your bedroom until noon

She looks in the mirror
with the knife at her throat
she’s so upset right now
she wants to let it all go
she cries out in anger
she’s so disgusted with life
that’s why she’s made her choice
she’s going to **** herself tonight
she sits on the floor
puts the blade to her wrist
she cries out in fear
she has to do this
the emotional turmoil she holds is too much
so she’s releasing it all
with one painful touch
she makes the cut
she starts to bleed
she stares in shock
as the blade falls next to her knees
it feels so good
it doesn’t hurt at all
she feels so lightheaded
all she wants to do is fall
she must have hit a vein
there’s so much blood
she’s starting to feel lifeless
she can’t even talk
she lays there on the floor
just counting the seconds
“5 more minutes” she whispers
as she waits to go to heaven
An hour later she’s dead on the floor
this poor innocent girl
she isn’t suffering anymore
all that’s left is the journals
in which she used to write
they explain her thoughts and feelings
that led up to that night.