I don’t know everything
although I wish I did
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time
just so I could be a kid
I cannot see the future
that part of reality really ****** me off
maybe if I knew what was to come
I would not have spent most of my life in a box
I cannot change the past
I have to let it go
I need to learn from my mistakes
and just let the good times roll
I cannot control others
I can only control myself
I can choose to be awesome me
or be just like everybody else
Life is full of challenges
there is drama everywhere you turn
you just got to brush your shoulders off
and be willing to learn
that High School is just temporary
life is bound to get better
always believe in yourself and your dreams
never forget that what others say about you does not matter

The past haunts me everyday
that’s something I can’t control
it bothers me so much these days
that it’s starting to take it’s toll
I’m so exhausted lately
these memories keep me awake
it’s interfering with my daily life
I don’t know how much more I can take
These memories are like dreams
except I’m not asleep
they follow me like shadows that follow you on the concrete
I’m so bothered by them
that their actually starting to scare me
I tell myself it’s just stress just so they won’t bother me
Why does the past bother me?
It’s over now let it be
Why can’t I just move on without letting these memories affect me?
Maybe one day they will all go away
they can’t stay for good
maybe it’s not the past that’s haunting me
maybe it’s ghosts who are misunderstood.

Cut my wrists
Make me bleed
Tell me I'm worthless
Push me down onto my knees
Make me cry
Make me mad
Give me your pain
so you're not hurting as bad
Take my life
Spit on me
Tie me down
Beat the crap out of me
Say what you want
I won't care
Stab me in the back
who cares anyway because life is never fair
Lie to me
Cheat on me
Knock someone up
Tell me you love me then break up with me
I no longer give a ****
Leave me alone
Take my friends
Tell them a bunch of lies
Let me grow old and die alone
I give up on my life

If I could just die in my sleep right now
that would be okay with me
I could finally get out of this hell hole
and everyone would just let me be
I could get away from all of the fighting
and yelling that takes place day to day
I could be forgotten in a second
and that would be okay
I want to be left alone
I want the pressure to be perfect to end
I want the world to stop looking at me like a bug under a microscope
I want perfection to stop being a trend
I want people to stop ******* judging me
I want the constant need to talk **** to stop
I want my way of thinking to be left alone
without making judgments on my heart
I want it to rain forever
so the world can see my constant pain
I want my past to drop dead already
and stop affecting me in everything
I want to take my last breath now
I say 20 years of living is enough
I can't take this pressure we call life
it's just not worth it anymore

It has been three years since we have been together
I have had a lot of time to think, to sort out my feelings and figure out some things
I am now ready to confront things I have never dealt with simply because I was not ready to
I am in love with you
I fell in love with you the very first time you texted me "hello"
I fell in love with you the first time you called me on the phone and even though you were crying hysterically your voice was like music to my ears
I fell in love with you again when I met you for the very first time
You had that white car with the ugliest orange seats I had ever seen and even though that car was hideous I was still sad when you sold it
You saw me for who I really was
You loved me in a way that I can't really describe
It was like being in a movie that ended before the last page of the script was finished
Even though our fights were so terrible sometimes I never went a day without wanting to kiss you because your kisses were enough to shake me to my very core
I told you everything about me
Every little secret
Every little thought
I let you read my poetry and your answer to everything was "MORE! I WANT TO HEAR MORE! I WANT TO READ MORE!"
I walked to a different state for you because you were having a nervous breakdown at 3 am and you met me halfway so I didn't have to walk in the dark alone
You saw my flaws and you kissed each of them as if they were the most beautiful parts of me you had ever known
You wrote me letters everyday just telling me everything your soul loved
I was so insecure
So terrified, so needy, so emotional to the point I pushed you away
You moved away just to get away from me
How embarrassing is that?
I dated your best friend who wrecked me and traumatized my belief in love and I think I only dated him because he was the closest thing to you I had when you left
I compare every man I meet to you which explains my reason for being single
I still have dreams about you that turn into nightmares when I realize how crazy I must be
I can't watch certain things,
Listen to certain things,
Go to certain places without remembering you
I've gone to therapy
I tried to smoke you away
I tried to drink you away
I tried ******* you away yet you show up in my mind more now than you already do
If I'm not careful your name shows up in conversations and that drives my friends insane
My mom still gushes about you
You were her favorite
She talks about you as if you are still a part of my life
She says she has never seen me happier than when I was with you and she's right
No one will ever compare to you
I know you're alive and happy
You have fallen in love and moved on with your life
I can deny my feelings all that I want to but denial will leave me stuck
I know you will never hear or read these words but this isn't for you
It's for me
It's time to let go
It's time to stop living in the past
It's time to stop holding onto something that won't come true
It's time to close the book on the most incredible time in my life
I won't lie I will still think of you
I can't do anything about that
I will always be in love with you
I can't control that either
All that I can control is me moving forward
I've stopped running
I've confronted my feelings
I've cried, I've grieved, I've accepted
I don't know what the future holds
What I do know is that I still want what I have always wanted for you
I want you to be happy
I want you to make all of your dreams come true
Even though a lot has and will continue to change that never will
I am closing the book now
It's painful but it's what needs to be done
I love you
I will always love you
Goodbye...

To the man I could spend hours writing poems about....

My God it drives me crazy
that you don't know how amazing you are
It breaks my heart when you look into the mirror
and all you see are flaws
But I, your girlfriend see radiance
pouring out of every pore of your body
You complain about all of the things that I love about you
It frustrates me that you are so blind
to the very things that make you absolutely wonderful
Sometimes I just look at you and think "wow
he chose me, he is my other half
and he is perfect, so so so perfect"
You're a work of art I can admire all day long
You're a song that dances through my nervous system
and causes me to shiver in excitement
You're the high a person gets
when they smoke their first cigarette in the morning
Your eyes shine like fireflies
that glow in the dark at the end of a summer day
Your presence is enough to scare
all of my demons away
You're the firework that bursts inside of me
every time we make love
You're my lucky charm
Life with you is like reading a book that never ends
Each chapter gets better
Each minute with you is a blessing
Each day I love nothing more
than to tell you how much you mean to me
Hopefully, one day when you look into your mirror
you will see exactly what I am talking about

Standing in my cap and gown
I look into my bedroom mirror
Today is my Graduation day
I cannot believe that the day is here
It feels like just yesterday I was a freshman
four years seemed so long
Now I am graduating, it is overwhelming
I will soon be walking the stage where I belong
I took my tests, I did my assignments
I made some great friends along the way
I partied hard, I made mistakes
that only prepared me better for this day
I laughed a lot, I cried a lot
I had my heart broken once or twice
I have said "Hello", I have said "Goodbye"
I have taken in lots of advice
I am leaving a place where I grew up
for a world where dreams come true
I may seem calm but I am really scared
I am unsure of what to do
I have the whole world at my feet
I can be anything I want to be
Now is the time to broaden my horizons
and be the best that I can be

As I stare at my bedroom walls full of memories from the past four years
I cannot help but cry
High school has been my life
I am not ready to say goodbye
There is more of the world I have to see
there are opportunities high school has prepared me for
I sneak in a smile as I straighten my cap
then I slowly close my bedroom door

I am sitting at my graduation
I suddenly hear my name
I walk the stage knowing that once I take my diploma
I will never be the same
The applause is getting louder, my classmates are whistling
I feel so much excitement inside
I take my diploma with confidence
and unleash emotions I can no longer hide

As I walk off the stage I see a new view of the world
I realize something new
Now is the time to live my life
to do all the things I have been waiting to do
I look at the people I am graduating with
I know they are all feeling that same way
Knowing that I take a deep breath in and tell myself I will be okay
Moments pass, we are high school graduates
we throw our caps into the air
We hug each other, we jump and scream
as confetti falls on our hair
We join our families who congratulate us
and tell us how proud they are
Happy tears run down everyone's faces
as I stand there feeling like a star.


I dedicate this poem to anyone who has graduated High School/College. With the way things are nowadays it is becoming rare to see people start something and then finish. I didn't finish high school but I went to my friends graduation and I felt so much pride for the ones graduating. It was amazing to see everyone's reactions when the graduation ended. There were tears, relief, shock and over all just happiness. People think graduating is just some lame thing that people do to be perfect and that is not true. Do not let anyone make you feel stupid for wanting to work hard at something. If that something is school, then keep going until the end. Be proud of your education and never stop learning.

I don't know how to make a rhyme
but if I could I'd write it...
I hope that you will take the time
to read and say you like it

I know your far away from home
and miss your house and friends
But, I'm glad you came with me
and I'll be sad when it ends

As adults we sometimes fight
and sometimes disagree
But the things that we talk about
should never come between you and me

I love you very much and yes
all your brothers and sisters too.
But if I could spend the summer with one
I'd want it to be with you

So please, Mandy
make yourself at home
Here you are loved by family
and should never feel alone.

WE love you baby!


My Uncle wrote this for me in my poetry notebook when I was asleep. He knew about my depression so he left this for me to find when I woke up. I named this poem "Grand Junction, Colorado" because that is where I was when this was written. I was there for the summer visiting family and that summer was and still is my favorite summer.

Dear Mr. Styles,

To some you are just a member of a UK boy band
but to me you are so much more
Your voice has put together pieces of my heart
and brought my soul back to life
Your personality has given me courage
to treat myself with respect
The way you carry yourself has inspired me to be strong without being prideful
Your sense of humor has caused me to laugh through tears
The things you say during interviews are so random
It's the way you make me feel good about being different
that makes me proud to be a part of the One Direction fandom
You have taught me to not be ashamed to want to be with a decent man
whenever I was feeling down you, Liam, Zayn, Niall and Louis
were all there to hold my hand
It's because of you I have learned to stand up for myself
and not take **** from anybody
You have done more than just make music
you have reminded me that I am somebody who can do amazing things in this life
Thank you for always staying grounded
and not allowing fame to turn you into an *******
Happy 22nd Birthday
You are loved immensely


(Every woman has a celebrity crush who makes her feel great about herself. Mine is Harry Styles.)

Can you feel my heartbeat?
That's you
Every time you walk into a room
my heart starts dancing
Whenever I see you sad
my heart erupts with panic and all I want to do
is take that sadness away from you
When I run into you at the grocery store
you make it a point to ask about my day
I look at you in disbelief
how can someone so perfect make me feel this way
Before I even knew you
your presence had a huge affect on me
Your face shows up in my dreams
making it impossible to breathe
I want you to feel my heartbeat
it beats so clear but you don't have a clue
That every minute of everyday
my heart beats just for you

You mean nothing to me anymore
your a mistake I wish I never made
you never loved me to begin with
I was just some game you always wanted to play
The compliments you made were all lies
all the letters you wrote me were too
the whole time you were with me you were pretending to love me
just because it made you look cool
Every kiss you gave me was fake
you didn't feel anything at all
every date we went on wasn't unique
you did the same with other girls
The *** wasn't special for you either
you said the sight of my body caused you to hurl
every promise you made you knew they wouldn't be kept
You had me believing you were great
that was until I caught you with your ex-girlfriend
on the night we were supposed to have a date
You used me whenever you got the chance
and I was so blind the whole time
while I was sitting in my room crying with a broken heart
you went on with your life as if everything was fine
Because of the pain you caused me
you made it hard for me to love again
the funny thing is after what you put me through
I still wanted to be friends
but ******, alcohol and drugs were more important
you didn't have time for me anymore
you broke up with me without giving me a reason why
and that shattered my heart even more
Despite all that happened
I still wish you the best
I hope you change your ways and make something of yourself
No I don't love you any less
I just wish things ended differently
I can't help but cringe when I hear your name
because of the heartache you caused me
my view on love will never be the same.

Tonight is the first night in a year
that I will be going to bed alone
I don't want to but I have to
My body aches as I remind myself that you won't be here
to wrap your arms around me anymore
I feel cold as I lie here wishing I could feel your breathing
dancing with mine
My face burns from tears that can't seem to stop
What hurts the most is knowing you are probably at home
not missing me at all
I've been in love with you for five years
I never in my wildest dreams
thought I would have a shot with you
Finding out that you liked me back
I was so ecstatic
I think about that day and my heart still goes crazy
It stings looking over to my side and not seeing you there
I can't even put into words how sad I feel
I've had my heart broken before and have felt pain like this
but this feels different
This pain I feel is deeper
It's stronger
I have no doubts about my love for you
My love for you is so strong
My love for you is pure
My love for you is a love that I haven't felt for anyone else
I've loved other men before in previous relationships
yet I never missed them as much as I miss you
I thought I knew heartbreak
I thought I had experienced true love
but I think I was wrong
With you I saw a future
I've never seen the future with anybody else
I was with you because I wanted to be
not because I was lonely
Everything about you still gives me butterflies
It hurts to breathe
It hurts to eat
It hurts to laugh
The thought of us not being together anymore hurts too much
I know we agreed on giving each other space
but what if that space means the end?
I don't know how to deal with that possibility
I'm going to try to sleep now
My face hurts from crying
but I've stopped trying to stop the tears
I really hope we can work things out
We've come too far for it to end like this

I was sitting next to him on his couch
watching a television show known as "Family Guy"
A commercial began to play so I decided
to look at him and stare into his eyes
He was quietly scrolling through his phone
unaware of what I was doing
He looked up and asked me what was wrong
and I had no answer to give him
I was speechless
for a moment it felt like the world stood still
Time was eternity
and I could feel myself tearing up
I watched his fingers touch his beard
as his eyes lit up like fireworks
I watched his lips as they formed little smiles
and my heart began to go crazy
He is so beautiful
I know that's strange to say since he is a guy
but he is
He is like a painting
you never want to stop admiring
He is a song you want to put on repeat
and dance to all night long
He is a story in a book you can't finish
because you never want the story to end
He is a dream you never want to wake up from
He is probably sitting there thinking I am crazy
I would be thinking the same thing
If only he could see himself through my eyes
maybe he would think differently

I really like you
I like who I am when I am with you
I like how I am never afraid to just be myself because
you make me want to be nothing but who I truly am
I love your laugh
Your laugh is the most magnificent sound I have ever heard
Your smile
Gosh! Your smile is remarkable
Who you are as a person is just staggering
I haven't felt like this about somebody in a long time
I didn't think it was possible to feel this way again
You terrify me
Me feeling anything for you terrifies me
I keep building walls and you continue to break them down
with just one look
I can't decide if I'm angry or grateful for that
If I had it my way I would erase how I feel right now
but I can't
In fact I don't want to
and that is really really terrifying
However you're tremendous
You're perfect
and if I had a choice I would spend everyday telling you
how extraordinary you are

Every time I go onto my page on Hello Poetry I get nothing but love and encouragement. Sometimes the kind things people say to me on there are enough to make me cry because it is nothing but love on there. I give love. I receive love. I have gotten to know a lot of people on that site through words. Me and all of the people that I talk to have a love for words. We just let our hearts free without any fear of judgement because everyone understands you. Most of us writers can only reveal ourselves through words. We share our demons, our secrets and our pain to total strangers and instead of being torn down, we are being encouraged to rise up. That is such a beautiful, powerful thing. Whenever I share a poem, it doesn't have to make sense, it can be just a bundle of confused words full of emotions I can't get out and there is always someone who reads it and says "Mandie, I hear you. You are going to be okay and you may not think people get you but we do. We got your back." I am never afraid to let myself get personal on my page because I know that whether people agree with me or not, I won't get any hate for how I feel. It's so nice to be able to do what I love and be loved for who I truly am on the inside. To be around other writers who see the world the way I do, who have the same goal and they have a huge love for people who are different, it's just wonderful. I don't know how long I have been searching for a place to just be without anxiety or fear of being bashed. I have finally found my safe place and I am so grateful. There are no words to describe my love for Hello Poetry and the people who have chosen to come into my life and just love me. It's not about the number of followers or the number of poems that have trended, it's more than that. It's an appreciation for a part of myself no one wants to get the chance to know. It just feels so good to be accepted by amazing people and know that I have a safe place to go to when things get too intense and crazy for me to handle.

Lately it seems to everybody that I am the enemy
I am the reason for everyone's problems
my name seems to be coming out of everybody's mouth
although I am not longer in school I seem to be labeled as the drama Queen
when someone cries it's my fault
when someone fights I seem to be the cause of the fight
I don't know exactly what I am doing wrong
I am on the verge of breaking down
I don't want anything to do with life anymore
I am so depressed
I don't know who to go to
everyone hates me
I am so lonely
I feel like I am losing everything and everyone
Why am I the enemy?
After all the people I was there for
after all the people I have helped
I am still the reason for everyone's problems
my life is ****
I have lost myself
and I don't think I can get myself back this time.

He looked at her with a smile in his eyes
and it was in that very moment
he realized that she was the one.

You had every chance to be with me
yet you chose every other girl in town
What was wrong with me?
What couldn't you see before that you see now?
We spent many nights lying in my bed
just listening to the silence
You would kiss me on the lips
then turn away for no reason
You would make time to see me whenever you could
only to ditch me for parties
I spent hours listening to you discussing about your dream girl
over pancakes at Denny's
I was your human journal
who took in your thoughts without shame
I never told you how much my heart skipped a beat
whenever you said my name
I would have given anything to be with you
you were a mystery everyone took for granted
Seeing you date my best friend though
that bothered me more than you could imagine
I never said anything to you
about how I felt
By the time I got the courage to tell you my feelings
you had already left
You moved out of state
all I have left of you now is your Facebook page
I never look at it though
it brings back memories that won't ever go away
Every once in a while you message me
telling me that you miss me
I never write back
because I don't think that you mean it
Maybe I'm just crazy
for ever thinking I would have a chance with you
You're nothing now but a hidden chapter in a book
I would have loved to write about you

My favorite thing about you is your smile
it just brightens up my day
It is there to comfort me when I am feeling blue
or when I am venting as you take in every word that I say
It is on your face when you kiss me
it gets wider with every "I Love You"
It makes me blush as I get goosebumps
and smiling is all that I want to do
Your eyes sparkle when you smile
they cause my heart to beat rapidly
I lose my breath so I take your hands
as I thank you for making me so happy
I get a view of your heart when you smile
that view makes me want to stare at you for hours
When I go to sleep the first thing I dream about are your brown eyes
and that perfect smile

I can’t remember the last time I cried

or screamed at the top of my lungs

I don’t remember the last time I let loose

and actually had some fun

I don’t remember the last time I ran

as if I had nothing else left to do

I also can’t remember sleeping 8 hours straight

and waking up feeling good

I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup

and actually felt like a princess

I don’t remember wanting to puke especially on the weekends

I don’t remember the last time I felt content

when I’m alone in my bed

I can’t remember the last time I showered

without any thoughts racing through my head

I don’t remember the last time I looked at myself

and said “Mandie everything will be ok”

I don’t remember the last time I left the house

excited to start my day

I don’t remember the last time I was happy

happiness seemed so long ago

I’ve seemed to to get used to living with depression again

and this time I don’t remember how to let it go

You want to know what I think about when I lie in bed at night?
I think about that nasty break up in 2013
How I was so scared to be alone
because I thought I needed a man to feel whole
How I pushed everyone away
because I was angry at the world for being happy
while I was in a million pieces
How I stopped listening to my favorite band
because every song they wrote just reminded me of memories
I couldn't let go of
How I became a *****
because I did the one thing I promised I would never do

I became bitter
I became unrecognizable
I lost myself in my anger and the jealousy of my cousins hands
touching the body I had seen naked everyday for the last two years
I neglected my poetry because I gave up on feeling
I didn't want to be sad
I didn't want to start over
I didn't want to pick myself up because it hurt too much
I spent days doped up on sleeping pills
I went days without showering
I went days without eating because I didn't care about anything anymore
I was depressed
I became heartless
I became mean
I became selfish
All because of a man
who clearly didn't give a **** about me
I spent months blaming myself
as if it was my fault we were over
I wasn't the one who cheated
I wasn't the one who lied
I wasn't the one who got an STD after ******* the biggest ***** in town
I wasn't the one who almost knocked up my best friends girlfriend
I may have had my share of problems
but none big enough to ruin a relationship

The day I woke up from my bitterness
was the day I realized that through all of the ******* I was feeling
I did not once turn to my past addiction for help
In the past cutting would have been my escape
For the first time in my life
I went through something traumatic
without turning to a razor for support
I started asking myself "what the hell is wrong with you?
Letting a man have all of this emotional control over you
He is just like a razor without the ****** mess."
I became disgusted with myself
I started feeling guilty for hurting all of the people I loved
while I spent months being angry
I hit rock bottom
I was as low as a person could get
and I let myself get that way
In that moment I knew that the only way out of my rut
was to face the things I was hiding from
To deal with the aftermath of the worst break up
I had ever gone through
Only I could get through what was to come
Only I could make the choice to change

As I lie here two years later
thinking of that mess
I can't help but feel blessed
I am so thankful for hitting rock bottom
It forced me to grow up
It forced me to clean up my social life
It forced me to reconnect with myself
It forced me to change my life
It helped me fall in love with writing again
I am more in love with writing now
than I have ever been in my life
What I thought was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me
was in fact the best thing that ever happened to me

Be the one to always tell the truth. Don’t worry about losing friends, losing a lover, losing family or losing anything. When you tell the truth you open doors to many things. When you tell the truth people trust you and people have faith in you. No one wants to be friends with a liar, no one wants to be around someone they can’t trust and no one wants to spend their life with a liar. Being honest is always the best way to go. Lying leads to danger, deceite, heartbreak, drama, stress and the inability to have normal healthy relationships.

When I think about losing you
I think about losing my best friend
I think about all we have gone through
how I would hate for all of the memories to end
When I think about kissing you
I think of how in love I am with you
You are the only man I want to be with
I want to spend my life with you
When I think about holding your hand
I think about how safe I feel
I feel loved and adored
I feel on top of the earth
When I think about being in your arms
I think about how happy you make me
You hold me and treat me like a Queen
I feel so lucky to be yours
When I think of marrying you
I think of taking your last name
Saying "I do" and walking into a life that will be forever changed
When I think of our life together
I think of love that will last forever
We are the couple who overcomes anything
We fall more in love with each other with each passing day

On Valentines day I have no time to be sad and emotional
I am too busy eating my chocolate
drinking my wine
sitting on my bed with cute heart stickers all over my face
in the most cheesy pajamas I can lay my hands on
staring at Ryan Reynolds **** like there is no tomorrow
as I cuddle the giant *** teddy bear I bought myself
Life is too short to be mourning on a day that love should be celebrated
Be your own Valentine
Spoil yourself
Love yourself
You do not need a man or a woman to do that for you

Self- harm is a coping mechanism meaning people self-harm as a way to get them to focus on something other than their emotional pain. When you are hurting physically, you don't have time to deal with your emotional pain so you push your emotional pain off to the side. That only lasts so long though. Your body is like a volcano. The more you try to cover whatever it is that is causing you pain, eventually you will reach a breaking point and snap. When that snap happens, your in real danger. Some people have an emotional break down, some self-harm even more than they already do and some even try to commit suicide and succeed. You can't stop self-harming overnight. It doesn't happen that way. There is a reason why people do it and most of the time it's because something happened and the thing that happened is too painful to deal with. In the end, in order to quit you need to confront the issue you are avoiding and it can be anything: death of a loved one, a break up, a car accident, abuse, abandonment, witnessing a ******, being kidnapped, miscarriage, divorce, moving around a lot, bullying, near death experience. All these things can cause a person to self-harm and a lot of the time these people aren't suicidal, they just want relief. To get relief they need to confront the issue. Confronting the issue is scary. By confronting the issue they are reliving their traumatic experience and they are forced to feel things and talk about things that they have been hiding through self-harm. Those who self-harm also need to learn other ways to dealing with their pain which can be hard to do especially if you were raised in an environment where violence, self hate, anger and abuse were how you dealt with your emotional problems and if you have been self-harming for a long time, it's very difficult to let go of something that has been your comfort blanket for years. It's strange that something so painful can be so comforting to people. Self-harm is something that is hard to understand unless you have gone through it yourself. It is an issue that needs to be addressed. You can't make somebody stop doing it. Just like drugs you can't make a person stop their addiction unless they want to. What people don't want to see is that self-harm can **** someone. All it takes is one wrong move with a razor or whatever you self harm with and your done. If that truth doesn't scare anybody into taking this rising issue seriously, I don't know what will.

The way you look when you first wake up
is a look I wait to see all night
The way you kiss me when you say "hello"
just gives me an instant high
The way you be yourself
gives me confidence to be myself too
The way you stare at me excites me
and makes me want to be that much closer to you
The way you concentrate on your passions
just takes my breath away
The way you spoil me
makes me feel loved each and every day
Every night when you tell me I'm yours
I cry because of how well you treat me
You treat me like a Princess
yet cherish me like a Queen.

I am confident
I am beautiful
I am radiant
I am delightful
I am strong
I am committed
I am talented
and I am not a quitter
I am friendly
I am proud
I am funny
and I am loud
I am smart
I am sweet
I am lovable
I am impossible to beat
I am strange
I am weird
I am different
and I don't care
I am serious
I am caring
and I never judge people by what they are wearing
I am a dreamer
I am a friend
I am a girlfriend who is faithful until the end
I am active
I am free
I refuse to be another stereotype
I choose to be me

They say life is a book you write yourself.
Well the story I have so far deserves to be burned until every memory that has been documented explodes to pieces never to be traced again.

Look into the mirror and say "I am beautiful" 30 times. Afterwards look at the smile on your face and notice how much happier you are when you are kind to yourself.

Sometimes when I'm at home by myself
I lie in bed just thinking of all the mistakes I made.
Should i have said this?
Should I have said that?
Should i have done this?
Should I have never done that?
Did I not care enough?
Did I care too much?
Was I too clingy? Too annoying?
Did I love you too much?
Should I have been there for you through certain things instead of giving you your own space like I thought you needed?
Did I yell too much or did you not care to listen to anything I had to say?
Did I do too much?
Was I horrible in bed?
Was I too adult for you?
Should I have acted more like a kid?
Maybe I was wrong for getting mad at you when you made a mess.
Maybe I expected too much because I knew you were better than this.
Maybe I was wrong for thinking you would change.
Maybe I changed too much and you could never catch up to where I was no matter how hard you tried.
I ask myself these questions and I blame myself for never being enough.
When in all reality I was enough but you just tossed me away.
I could be the most beautiful girl in the world with guys on my *** everyday
but even then you would still get scared, make an excuse and just walk away.
Maybe I wasted my time.
Maybe I should have acted better.
Maybe I should have kept my feelings to myself
and not have written such long letters.
You think I'm not good enough but someone else in the future will call your bluff
and only then you will see what a mistake you made when you finally realize I was enough.

I wish I could take away your pain
I hate to see you cry
I really want to make you feel better
but you got to let me try
I do not like seeing you angry
it upsets me as well
I do not like worrying if you are okay or not
but lately I can never tell
I hope things get better for you
I do not like seeing you stressed
I know I can't make everything better
I am really trying my best
All I can do is be here for you
Try my hardest to not let you down
Just know that whenever you need me
I will always be around

I decided to make some changes for myself
starting with my social life
It seems that whenever I trust somebody
I end up paying some sort of price
I need to start doing good in school
I cannot keep ******* around
When the pressure is high and life is out of control
I gotta keep my feet on the ground
I need to do more physically
I sit around too much
I need to start hanging out with more people
that way I do not turn into an unsocial nut
I need to start reaching my goals
they are very important to me
I need to think more about my future
there is so much that I want to see
I need to change my attitude  
I am turning into a *****
I need to stop being jealous of others
I am too old to be throwing any fits
I need to start making changes now
there is no better time than the present
I need to start setting up a life for myself
and drop all of my bad habits
I need to be a better friend
before I lose someone very important
When my friends make stupid life long decisions
it is my job to love them, not judge them
I need to re-think about a lot of things
I am starting to hate the person I am becoming
I need to catch myself before I fall too hard
and forever lose myself

I felt my heart drop to the floor
as he was walking hand in hand with her
I thought they were fighting again
I thought he had broken up with her
I wanted to cry and run to the bathroom
but I am not in seventh grade anymore
It is time I ****** up my pity
and pick my heart up off of the floor
I take my purse and walk to class
I have more important things to do
I do not want to deal with heartbreak this year
I want to do something new
Maybe I should switch schools
Maybe I should just leave
Maybe I should just deal with it
there are bound to be more days like these
I make it to my first class on time
I see my best friend waving at me
I ask her how her summer went
her smile was great to see
I push back my hair and put on a smile
as if I am an actress on film
I do all that I can to ignore the realization
that I am still in love with him

Can this be the moment
that I finally realize what I want in my life?
Can this be the moment
that I finally get the chance at happiness?
I may be just a person
with no superhero abilities
like the ones you see on TV
I may be a nobody
but I got dreams as big as the sky
that no one can see
I may be 5.4 physically
but my soul has no limit
to what I can achieve
I may struggle on the daily
but I still wake up thinking something great will happen to me
I can't live without hope
I can't live without faith
I can't live my life thinking that this is it for me
I can't hate myself and expect to be the best for someone
out there who can potentially love me unconditionally
I'm not perfect
but I'm human
and that's all I want to be
I want to feel everything intensely
and not care who is laughing at me
I am strong in ways
I never give myself credit for
and it's not right that I treat myself like I'm not as important
as all of the people in my life that I would die for in an instant
Who will die for me?
I'm going to be somebody one day
I'm going to have my own fairy tale
and it will be messy
and it will be everything I dreamed of
and I won't want to change a thing about it
I gotta believe in what I want
it's hard but I'm learning to trust in life each day
If I can believe in everyone else then I sure as hell can believe in me
I will get my moment
I will get my hearts desire when I least expect it
I just gotta believe in it
I do believe in it
and I believe in myself

Suicide
Now that's something I haven't thought about in a long time
yet lately it's all I think about
I think about that moment when I can end it all
All of the pain I feel inside will just disappear
and I can finally have the peace I so desperately crave
Lately I feel so empty
I feel like I've run out of love that use to fill my soul
to the point I had no choice but to share it
Now I'm empty
and it scares me
My passions have faded away
My longing for human touch has turned into a stone wall
that I fear Jesus can't even break through it
All my dreams are now in bedded into tears
that claw at my face during moments I should be laughing
The pain I feel lately is so new to me
and I don't know how to make it go away
It stabs at me like a million knives butchering away
and I'm left fighting for my life as I bleed to death
I'm crawling to nowhere and when I've had enough
and I feel like I can no longer breathe I fall asleep
not giving a **** if death has plans to claim me
Then I get up and I relive the pain all over again
Some might read my work and think
"**** this woman is so selfish  
there is absolutely nothing that horrible going on in her life
to make her feel this way"
Maybe they're right
Maybe I am selfish
If they could only step into my skin and feel all that I feel
they wouldn't be able to handle it
Maybe they could
I don't know
What I do know is I am tired of fighting
I'm so sick of fighting my way through
just to end up where I started many years ago
To think this battle for my life and sanity
started when I was just 13 years old
If you told me that this would still be my battle 14 years later
I would have laughed in your face
Suicide it's like an evil that leaves a note on your door
in your weakest moments
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no every time
but I've been tempted to check yes
Just when I think I'm close to doing it
I suddenly feel this burst of pain that almost burns my insides
I close my eyes as I curl into a ball
and I see flashes of battles I've won in the past
I see myself with metaphorical swords
and I see my negative thoughts with heartbeats going down
one by one
As I scream in pain I am reminded that I am alive
I have a purpose and I won't find it crawling on the ground
So I pick up my sword and I fight
Every negative comment I recieve I slash in two
Every hand that has ever been laid on me leaving a bruise
I chop to pieces
Every negative experience that tried to **** me I slash it's throat
and I fight
and I FIGHT
AND I FIGHT because I am a warrior
and warriors don't give up
I may be bleeding from places I never knew I could
but I'm breathing
My muscles may be sore all over
but I'm standing
My thoughts can shout out all of the reasons
as to why I should give up
but I'm still here
I choose life
I choose to live
I choose to hold my sword tightly
and use it as a reminder of how far I've come
My scares may be ugly
but they resemble the darkest parts of hell I've faced
and overcome
My heart may be bruised a bit
but it's my compass to my next journey
and it's still beating like it's never been hit
Suicide can leave me as many notes as it wants to
my answer will never change
I'll scream it if I have to
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no

I’m sitting here on the floor watching you sleep

as you snore away in the night

Sometimes I just lay and listen to you breathe

as I hold you agaisnt me real tight

It’s not that I’m worried about you

I just like to hear you breathe

On good days it helps put me to sleep

on bad days it soothes me

You look so comfortable in our bed

as if it’s where you belong

and on some nights I like to lay on your chest

as your heartbeat plays the perfect song

You look so happy in your sleep

makes me wonder what your dreaming

Sometimes I get jealous of you

because I’m wide awake and your sleeping

I can watch you sleep forever

I can sit for hours and stroke your hair

I can be up for hours just holding you

I could be exhausted but I wouldn’t care

I don’t mind watching you for hours

it’s good to see you at peace

Your breathing is what keeps me entertained

on sleepless nights like these

Sometimes I sit in my room
and all I do is cry
I cry about a lot of things too
I cry for me, I cry for him
I cry for the anger I feel for things that happened in the past
I cry for the first time my heart got broken by the first guy I ever loved
I cry for those who are sick
their helpless and it’s like everyone expects them to die
Doesn’t anyone have hope anymore?

I saw you with her last night
you said you were going to your friends
I didn't want to be home alone so I called up my girls
and we decided to go out
I didn't think I would catch you with her
don't say that you  weren't with her because I saw what you were doing to her
You were kissing her
You were touching her
Your hands were in places I can't even talk or think about
You told me you were over her
how are you over her if you are all over her?
I wasn't the only one who saw you either
my friends did as well and I have never felt so stupid
I thought you were Mr. amazing
now I see you are Mr. wrong
Your disgusting
I can't stand to kiss you
I can't touch you
I can't lay in the same bed with you knowing you wish I was her
how stupid I am to believe you cared for me
I made you a priority
I was nothing but an option to you
Well now you can find someone else to be your option
because I'm done with you
I refuse to be played like a game
Pack your ****
Leave
and don't ever come back.

I feel like I have lost everything
I feel myself breaking
I am so lost in this ****** up world
I am surprised I'm still living
I am losing my one and only best friend
to a mistake I do not regret making
although I know I will get through this
my heart just won't stop breaking
My favorite song no longer helps
writing this poem just makes me cry
I want to give up on everything
right now I'm not strong but I got to try
because if I fall apart too much
I am going to lose everything
but without him I have nothing
now my life doesn't mean anything.

You tell me that my hair is too dark
perhaps I should lighten it up
You tell me you don't like how I act
I'm sorry I really don't give a ****
You tell me my band shirts are disgusting
I should try to wear more pink
You say I will never get anywhere in life
I really don't care what you think
You tell me my friends are immature
I should get friends my own age
You say I walk funny, you say I laugh too loud
who really cares anyways
You tell me that I am stupid
you say my life is a waste
If you don't like who I am or how I act
then get the hell out of my face
You can say whatever you want
I think I am just fine
I don't want to be friends with somebody
who is negative and constantly whines
You may say that I am ugly
I think I am beautiful the way I am
Keep talking the way you are
because once again I do not give a ****

I've been out of my skin the past few days
it's uncomfortable being lost
one minute you know exactly who you are
the next you completely forgot
you don't forget little things either
it's everything
you get so angry you blow up
then afterwards it's hard to get back to reality
I'm so tired I feel dead
like a zombie living my life
if I lay down for even a second
I drift to sleep into another life
that's when my conscious comes alive
every word I've held back is said
and every action I play in my mind is done
people's feelings are hurt and they cry
but I don't give a **** anymore
This goes on for hours until I wake up
every dream I had seems real
I try to remember all that has happened
but it's hard when you can't feel
These episodes leave me heartless
it takes days to recover from them
they leave me so numb
I just wish I could be rid of them.

You left in your honda half an hour ago

and already my heart is aching for you

I don’t know if this is an obsession

or the fact that I’m so in love with you

All the nights we have spent together

I have never felt more complete

all the days we had just messing around

are the days when you brought out the best in me

Those days were so much fun

but they are over now

you moved on and got back with her

you have a child to think about now

They say I was nothing but a game to you

but I know you felt something for me

if what we had was all a lie

then why would you say you were in love with me?

I’m not sure what to think now

I’m not sure how to feel

I just sit here and cry silently

wishing I could just disappear

I thought I had a real chance with you

but I guess I was wrong

I lost a part of myself

the day you said you were gone.

I don't know what I'm doing
I am so far out of my comfort zone
I have no idea how to handle what I'm feeling
I just want to go home
and be away from the world
I want to shut off my electronics
and let the world believe that I am dead
I apologize for being weird
I apologize for being myself
It has been so long since I have let anyone in
I don't know what to do with myself
I want to run away
that is exactly what my mind is telling me to do
I don't want to do that
I don't want my anxiety to win
I feel so out of my element
I wish I could feel better
I need to stop doing whatever it is that I am doing
that seems to be upsetting everybody

Love terrifies me
the thought of falling asleep in somebody’s arms
not sure whether or not their wishing you were someone else
the thought of leaning on someone when your down
not knowing if your driving them crazy or not
buying them gifts and doing their laundry only to discover love notes from another girl in the pocket of his skinny jeans
falling in love only to realize who you fell for is far different than the person you thought you knew
expressing your feelings only to be told in return things you know are lies
meeting the family and feeling accepted when behind closed doors you being titled as “NOT GOOD ENOUGH”
saying “I Love You” and meaning it to be told “I Hate You”
to find out everything you built together was nothing, it meant nothing to him but to you it was your whole world
the thought of trusting somebody with my heart after it was ripped apart is enough to make me want to puke
I guess it’s obvious to see
love absolutely terrifies me

I thought about overdosing on some pills today
it's been awhile since I've wanted to do something like that
I feel so guilty for allowing myself to go to such a dark place
but lately it's all I think about
I'm just so sad all of the time
I struggle everyday to keep myself afloat
and I don't think anyone understands how lonely
and terrifying that is
I feel like such a hypocrite for pretending to be happy
when in actuality I am miserable
I just don't see the point of anything anymore
and I don't understand why
I am so young
I am so talented in ways I never give myself credit for
I have family and friends who love me
I have been lucky to grow close to a man
who would take a bullet for me without hesitation
and still it's not enough
Something is missing and I can't figure out what it is
I don't want to die
but I don't want to be sad either
It seems so impossible yet it's true
I am caught between wanting to live so badly it hurts
and wanting to die
I can't understand it
I don't know how I got here
I don't know how to fix the way that I feel
What I do know is doing this by myself is not the best choice anymore
I can't do this on my own
and I don't want to

Looking into this mirror
picking out the things I hate about myself
when I should be loving myself
Feeling so tired of having no energy
when it's my negativity
stealing my joy from me
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another morning
thinking I'm not pretty
when in fact I'm pretty

Sitting next to a man
he's so gorgeous and those eyes I can stare into them for eternity
I'd like to kiss him and ask him out for a coffee
but I worry I'm not good enough to be with a man like him
I complain that I'm lonely
but I don't take the chance to let someone in
and let them love me unconditionally
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I'm not good enough for anyone
when in fact I'm more than good enough

Lying in my bed at night
thinking of the scars I made on my skin
feeling ashamed for some choices that I made in my past
At the same time though those choices I made
paved the way for me to become a better me
I never give myself credit
for overcoming demons I thought would one day **** me
I'm so quick to bash myself
but I never love myself and that's gotta change
because I can't love anyone else unless I can love myself too
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I'm some mistake
when I'm here for a reason

I don't want to waste away my life
giving into negativity and self hate
when I deserve way more than that
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter

Don't you dare spend another day
thinking you don't matter
because you matter
You more than matter
You are loved

On Christmas Eve last year, I fell in love with a man who had a brain tumor. He was only given three months to live, but I didn't mind the short time we had together. He was brilliant, he was kind and despite his diagnosis he was adventurous. He didn't allow anything to hold him back. Most importantly, he didn't let his condition change him. Despite the frequent hospital trips, the headaches that never went away and the nausea he felt due to being in so much pain, he continued to laugh. He continued to be himself. He smoked his ****, he cooked his favorite meals. Whenever I tried to help him in any way he would always say "This may be the last time I do this so just let me be." I worried about him a lot but his smile and the choice he made to just live life to the fullest each day I had with him, was enough to make me forget he was sick. He didn't act like he was dying. Some people had a hard time believing he was sick and I think he wanted it that way. Three months came and went. He was still vibrant even though the fear that he might not wake up the next day was always hovering over him. We made it through Spring, Summer, and Fall. Before I knew it we were back in Winter making angels in the snow and getting high underneath the stars. It was Christmas Eve again. We had been together one whole year. The year I spent with that man was the most magical, scary and excruciating year I would ever go through. We spent our anniversary making love, baking brownies, decorating the Christmas tree and smoking **** outside as we watched the snow fall. That night we laid in bed holding hands staring up at the ceiling. He told me how grateful he was to meet me when he did. He said me that I was proof that just when life seems to fall apart, something extraordinary could happen when you least expect it. He thanked me for not treating him like a broken toy but a human being who wanted nothing more than to be normal. In that moment I told him how much I loved him and that my life would never be the same because the love he showed me despite his pain and suffering was the most beautiful, purest and rare love I had ever experienced. I told him that I would never let him be forgotten and that no man could ever take his place. We laid in bed for hours, telling each other back and forth how much we loved each other all the while still holding hands. At 6:13 a.m on Christmas Day, he passed away. I felt his hand gently grasp mine as he took his last breath. I knew that was coming but the pain I felt when I was certain he was gone was unlike anything I had ever felt. My heart broke into a million pieces as I squeezed his hand, hoping maybe his eyes would open up again. As I gained the courage to let go of his hand for good, I kissed him one last time and whispered "Merry Christmas" into his ear. I then thanked God for allowing me to fall in love and spend time with an angel, even if only for a year.

I forgive you for the rumors you spread
I forgive you for cheating on me
I forgive you for criticizing my looks
I forgive you for cursing me with insecurities
I forgive you for choosing alcohol over me
I forgive you for the lies you told
I forgive you for all the sleepless nights
I forgive you for stealing my hope
I forgive you for turning my friends agaisnt me
I forgive you for comparing me to her
I forgive you for making me out to be a *****
I forgive you for using my pain agaisnt me
I forgive you for making me feel so low
I forgive you for the mean texts
I forgive you for stealing my property
I forgive you for using me for ***
I forgive you for the harsh words
I forgive you for being fake
I forgive myself for letting you have power over me
I forgive you for becoming the person you said you’d never be