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Jul 2019
Now that's something I haven't thought about in a long time
yet lately it's all I think about
I think about that moment when I can end it all
All of the pain I feel inside will just disappear
and I can finally have the peace I so desperately crave
Lately I feel so empty
I feel like I've run out of love that use to fill my soul
to the point I had no choice but to share it
Now I'm empty
and it scares me
My passions have faded away
My longing for human touch has turned into a stone wall
that I fear Jesus can't even break through it
All my dreams are now in bedded into tears
that claw at my face during moments I should be laughing
The pain I feel lately is so new to me
and I don't know how to make it go away
It stabs at me like a million knives butchering away
and I'm left fighting for my life as I bleed to death
I'm crawling to nowhere and when I've had enough
and I feel like I can no longer breathe I fall asleep
not giving a **** if death has plans to claim me
Then I get up and I relive the pain all over again
Some might read my work and think
"**** this woman is so selfishΒ Β 
there is absolutely nothing that horrible going on in her life
to make her feel this way"
Maybe they're right
Maybe I am selfish
If they could only step into my skin and feel all that I feel
they wouldn't be able to handle it
Maybe they could
I don't know
What I do know is I am tired of fighting
I'm so sick of fighting my way through
just to end up where I started many years ago
To think this battle for my life and sanity
started when I was just 13 years old
If you told me that this would still be my battle 14 years later
I would have laughed in your face
Suicide it's like an evil that leaves a note on your door
in your weakest moments
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no every time
but I've been tempted to check yes
Just when I think I'm close to doing it
I suddenly feel this burst of pain that almost burns my insides
I close my eyes as I curl into a ball
and I see flashes of battles I've won in the past
I see myself with metaphorical swords
and I see my negative thoughts with heartbeats going down
one by one
As I scream in pain I am reminded that I am alive
I have a purpose and I won't find it crawling on the ground
So I pick up my sword and I fight
Every negative comment I recieve I slash in two
Every hand that has ever been laid on me leaving a bruise
I chop to pieces
Every negative experience that tried to **** me I slash it's throat
and I fight
AND I FIGHT because I am a warrior
and warriors don't give up
I may be bleeding from places I never knew I could
but I'm breathing
My muscles may be sore all over
but I'm standing
My thoughts can shout out all of the reasons
as to why I should give up
but I'm still here
I choose life
I choose to live
I choose to hold my sword tightly
and use it as a reminder of how far I've come
My scares may be ugly
but they resemble the darkest parts of hell I've faced
and overcome
My heart may be bruised a bit
but it's my compass to my next journey
and it's still beating like it's never been hit
Suicide can leave me as many notes as it wants to
my answer will never change
I'll scream it if I have to
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July. 20, 2019 Saturday 6:35 PM
Amanda Michelle Sanders
Written by
Amanda Michelle Sanders  27/F/Bullhead City, Arizona
(27/F/Bullhead City, Arizona)   
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