Let's pour ourselves a glass of wine
and make a toast to the craziest people we know
The ones who hear constant voices
yet continue on with their lives as if everything is normal
Let's toast the ones with multiple personalities
as society labels them as dangerous
Let's raise a glass to the ones with PTSD
may they stop reliving their awful pasts
Here's to the ones with scars on their arms
from trying to free themselves from emotional pain
To the ones with eating disorders
may you stop putting so much pressure on yourselves to be pretty
To the ones who can't leave the house
without feeling a tightness in your chests
May you find the strength to make anxiety your *****
so you can put your personal chaos to rest
Here's a toast to the ones who never give up
despite the struggles you face everyday
Even though people call you names and shame you
you always find reasons to smile even for just a little while
May you always remain strong
and be a light for those who are just stepping into your shoes
To those of who are currently in recovery
may I say I am so ******* proud of you for making it this far
CHEERS!!!

There comes a time where things happen for a reason and there is nothing  we can do about that. There comes a time when we leave our hearts open knowing that our hearts may get broken sometimes. There comes a time when everything falls apart and you ask yourself "how did I get here"? When that happens, that is the time to take a stand, stay strong, and tell the one you love how you feel even though you might get rejected in the end. You don't want to spend your life wondering "what if" or live in regret because you didn't take a risk in love.

For at least a week my Mom kicked me out
so I stayed with my very best guy friend
I am glad I decided to go home with him
I had so much fun hanging out with him
He listened to me when I was upset
I had a lot of things on my chest
When I was tired he would hold me in his arms
as we both let our minds rest
All I had with me were my clothes
and clothes was all I needed
All we did was lay around, watch movies to catch up on sleep and we succeeded
I really liked Saturday night
when we baby sat a couple of bad seeds
We sat at the table barking orders
as he taught me how to play speed
We talked about him and his girlfriend
we stayed up late watching Nick @ Nite
He would sit outside with me as I smoked
while the moon shone so bright
The best part about my stay
was having him to myself
I learned he will always be there for me
I would never find him in anyone else
I also realized how blessed I am
to have a great friend like him
I know he will always stick by my side
and for that I will always cherish him

I have spent so long protecting myself from getting hurt
that I have no idea how to let anyone love me
the way I deserved to be loved.

I need to go away from here
I'm starting to go insane
I need to go far away
so I can release this pain
I don't want to worry about tomorrow
I don't want to talk to anyone
I want to hear nothing whatsoever
I just want this day to be done
Why does my head hurt so much?
The pills I take are not working
Why can't I stop panicking?
I feel like my brain is bleeding
The noises I hear are getting louder
I need to go for a walk
I need everybody to leave me alone
I don't want anyone to talk
I take more pills that I don't want to take
but my head hurts some more
I leave my house and I want to puke
I don't want to hurt anymore
My hands are sore I sit down and I start to cry
if this headache does not go away soon
I'm gonna have to say goodbye

It was as if my whole world stopped
Who I was in a past life perished
and a whole new me was born
It's incredible how one tiny little human being
can have such an impact on one's soul.


Dedicated to Annaleah Grace. My niece. My world. The one who taught me that the child inside of us all never really dies.

It hit me today how much I am in love with you
I didn't know I was until you left
You moved to California for a job
and once I got home from dropping you off at the airport
I noticed your laughter was now nothing but an echo
bouncing off the walls that holds conversations we had on Saturdays
where we stayed up all night drinking talking about
every heartache we each suffered in our young lives
When you told me a month ago you were leaving
I was happy for you
I knew how much you wanted to get out of town and
make something out of yourself
I told you that California was lucky to have you because
it was about to get a heart that is full of so much wonder and love
You asked me to go with you
I told you that sometimes friends have to let each other go
I remember you looking sad when I said that
I couldn't understand why you would be sad though
It wasn't until I went into the kitchen to make dinner
I called for you so you could list off ideas on what to eat
After I said your name out loud and you didn't answer
my heart broke
It was then I had flashbacks of every moment we shared together
All of the good and the bad
you were here for everything
When I got stood up on that date last February
you were there to take that idiot's place
so that I wouldn't feel stupid
When I had anxiety attacks
you stayed up until four in the morning
sacrificing sleep for work just to make sure I was alright
When my parents divorced
you were the glue that held my heart together
When I had the flu for a week
you stayed over watching *** In The City with me
in your pajamas while we ate soup that you made from scratch
What got me though was the memory of you and I
sitting outside smoking a cigarette and out of nowhere
you sang that Mayday Parade song "Even Robots Need Blankets"
and I thought you were singing it because
you know how much I love that song but
now that I think about it you were singing it TO me
You were telling me how you felt and I was too blind to see
what was right in front of me
When I came back to reality I had to call you
I went to my bedroom to grab my phone and that's when I found it
I found a plane ticket with a note
The ticket was to California
I opened the note and with shaky hands I read it
It said

"Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I could ever do considering how much I am in love with you. I left you this ticket because I can't enter this new chapter in my life without the person who makes me fearless. That person is you. As you read this note I am sitting in the airport waiting to board a flight that I rescheduled. The time I have should match the time on your ticket. I am waiting for you. Please change your mind and come with me."

I checked the time
I had twenty minutes to get to the airport
I grabbed my phone, my purse and my keys to leave for California
with my soulmate before it was too late

I had a heart to heart with the Lord today
I was crying uncontrollably
I was telling the Lord about how badly
my heart was breaking
I told him I felt so unloved
lost and unwanted
I told him I felt like my life
didn't have a purpose
In the middle of my crying
I felt a hand on my shoulder
I felt a peace come over my soul
and I heard a voice in my ear
It said "my child
do you not have a clue
how much you mean to me
I knew you existed before you were conceived
I loved you before you even had a heartbeat
My plans for you go further
than you could ever dream
You never have to feel alone
because I keep you so very close to me
If you could only feel the pride I have for you
you bring me so much joy in everything you do
I created you in my image
you are perfect to me
It's time you opened up your heart
so you can begin to see what I see
You matter so much to me my child
you are wanted everyday
Whenever you call out my name
I never hesitate to come your way
I love spending time with you
I never tire of hearing you speak
and when you come to me with a problem
I never see you as weak
It brings me joy to know you trust in me
just like I trust in you
I admire all that you are
I will never abandon you
Child wipe your tears
let me turn them into joy
There is so much you have yet to see
I can't wait to show you one day
You are a child of God
you are here for a reason
I know that you are hurting
but you will make it through this season
Never forget who created you
you are treasured unconditionally
Remember I knew you existed
before you were conceived
I loved you
before you even had a heartbeat"

I am more than crazy
I am ******* insane
The only reason why that is such a problem for you is because the fact that I am so different from you scares the hell out of you
If you stopped being a follower and be your own person
maybe
just maybe
people such as myself would not intimidate you so much

I remember when I lost myself. I was living to impress people who didn’t care whether I lived or died. It got to the point where you look in the mirror and you don’t recognize yourself. A friend of mine came over one night a long time ago because I was depressed. We talked about how I felt conflicted because I wanted to be myself to the fullest all the while still want to impress everybody else. I wasn’t happy at all. My friend stood me in front of my bathroom mirror and said "Mandie, look at yourself, do you like who you see in the mirror? If you do then you got nothing to worry about, if you don’t then there is a problem and you need to fix it before it’s too late. Do you know who you are?“ I looked at myself and I started to cry because I didn’t like who I saw, not because I thought I was ugly but because the kind of person I was at the time was not me. What scared me the though was not being able to put myself into words. I would describe myself but I wasn’t describing me I was describing my friends and their traits because I did everything to please them. In my past relationships I did stuff to impress whoever I was with because I wanted that person to like me. I had to change. So I cut myself off from everything, spent weeks alone, writing goals and things I wanted to change about myself. When I went to the store for clothes I taught myself to buy stuff I wanted to wear not what my friends wanted me to wear. Slowly I started letting my "friends” see the changes I was making and instead of supporting me they got mad because I wasn’t living my life according to their standards. So I lost friends. So what? Over time I found myself happier, confident, I wasn’t dealing with drama and I made some new friends, friends who were in my shoes and didn’t have anyone to cheer them on through their challenges. It took me a very long time to find myself and I guess I am still finding myself but breaking free from everyone’s expectations is on my list of the best choices I ever made.

I stick my fork into my pumpkin pie
I have been waiting for this moment for days
With the first bite I close my eyes
as all of my worries fall away
Thanksgiving Day is in eight hours
I am already anticipating what is to come
Dad in the hospital sick
alone and away from everyone
Arguments over silly things
sadness over loved ones missed
Heartache over family refusing to stop by
due to an individual's ***** fits
What should be a time for thanks
will actually be a day for stress
I will probably be up most of the night
hoping I will be too tired so I can avoid tomorrow's events
So I sit here on the night before
with my favorite Fall desert
I chew as I try not to think about
all of the things that make my heart hurt
I shift my thoughts to the good things that have happened
as I let my mind go blank
I put down my fork
let out a sigh
and whisper to Jesus thanks

I don't know what's going on with you
I can't see what your thinking in your mind
all I know is that your pushing me away
and I don't understand why
You won't talk to me when your mad
you won't come to me when your down
when I try to comfort you, you just walk away
without making any sound
I feel like you don't love me anymore
and that's really sad to think about
considering your the one I want to spend my life with
your all that I think about
you used to tell me everything
now I never know where you are
it feels like your miles away from me
when your not really far at all
I don't want to date a ghost
this emotional distance is keeping us apart
I want to help you and be there for you
but it's hard when you keep breaking my heart
I don't know how to reach you
I'm running out of things to do
but know that I'm not going anywhere
When you feel like yourself again
I will be right here waiting for you because I love you

My baby brother Thomas turns thirteen today
it makes me feel so old
I can't believe he's a teenager
he's so young yet so bold
It seems like just yesterday he was born
he was small and chunky too
I swear last week he was learning to walk
while chewing on his Winnie The Pooh
Everyday I see him growing
it sometimes makes me cry
It's cool to see him grow his wings
so he can eventually fly
He runs and he laughs so fearlessly
he scares me sometimes
but when he comes home with a smile on his face
that's how I know he's alright
I learn a lot from my baby brother
I don't think he knows that
I know one thing if I'm in any trouble
my baby brother always has my back
He teaches me to be carefree
to not let others define who I am
he's one of the reasons why I'm still here
and when it comes to drama he does not give a ****
I'm happy Thomas is my brother
he is definitely my baby boy
Even when he annoys me to death
he is still my pride and joy
I am glad I've had him for thirteen years
it's been a fun journey so far
I can't wait for what's coming in the next thirteen years
maybe he will be the world's next superstar
All in all I love him so much
and there is only one thing I can say
that is you are really special Thomas
I love you baby brother
Happy Birthday

Blue eyes look at me
Let me get lost in those ocean colored eyes
that shine like stars in the sky
Let them light up when you smile
Let them reveal the passion that hides behind them
Allow your blue eyes to see the good in a world that can be so evil
Allow your baby blues to dance when you laugh
Let them glisten with hope when you cry
Let me stare into them for eternity
I just can't get enough of your beautiful blue eyes

I am so in love with you I want to scream
I am so glad I found you
it makes me gleam
The smile on my face says it all
you make me feel strong so I can stand tall
You kidnapped my heart
and it feels so great
You're there to hold me and catch me at any rate
Your love for me makes me blush
when you hold my hand I get an adrenaline rush
The things you say to me make me feel special
the things you do for me are so wonderful
I can do anything when you're around
you pick me up from the cold when I fall to the ground
I can't believe I have you
I love you so much
I love you even more every time we touch
You are my soulmate
you take my breath away
I love you so very much
marry me today


I wrote this for the man I had my first real relationship with. I was 16 years old. I hope to feel this way again one day when I fall in love with my true soul mate.

Reading to me is like being in a relationship. You invest your time getting to know characters like you do getting to know someone. There are no pictures in novels so you fall in love with a characters personality and heart instead of their looks which I think a lot of people don't do in the real world anymore. You go on adventures, you feel things and parts of you that you thought died are brought back to life with one simple quote, phrase or line. The characters may be fictional but the things the characters go through sometimes are actual things people go through. It's nice to have places and people to lean on when reality gets to be a little too much. The best part is that the characters never leave. If you miss them, just open the book and there they are. People complain that reading takes too much time. Books are like life. You have to take it one chapter at a time because if you move too fast, you will miss the most important moments. Life already moves too quickly. It's nice to be able to pick up a book, take your time and catch your breath.

Breakfast on the balcony
the weather is 56°
I am wearing a hoodie and leggings
as my cat lies near my feet
It's supposed to be chilly all day long
and I plan to stay in and read
I'm going to open up all of my windows
and let the autumn air take hold of me
I've been waiting for this all year
a perfect day such as this one
Where I can sip my coffee and enjoy the gray clouds
instead of the yellow sun
As I dip my French toast into my syrup
I feel a leaf fall onto me
My face lights up as I welcome Autumn
to have breakfast with me on the balcony

It is a learning process for me
I am not used to being heard when I need to vent
I am not used to being stopped and kissed unexpectedly
in the middle of the day
I am not used to being put first
I have no idea what it is like to be adored
to the point I am on the verge of tears
I do not know what it feels like to be half naked
and feel comfortable in my skin
I do not know what it is like to be loved by a man

When you spend so long being mistreated
disrespect is what you expect from everyone
I am teaching myself to expect the opposite
It is not easy when my anxiety is always in my ear
whispering all kinds of negative garbage but
I am learning
I am accepting the fact that someone loves me completely
I am facing the fact that someone wants to love me
and most importantly
I am learning to accept that I deserve to be loved so deeply
I am breaking the habit of thinking I deserve to be treated any less

She told him she loved him
he sat there in silence
she went to give him a hug
he sat there lifeless
she felt her heart breaking
he felt guilty for giving her up
she was choking back tears
as he finally stood up
She looked at the ring on her finger
he held his ring in his hand
she asked him "why?"
he said "you wouldn't understand"
she asked "do you need some time?"
he answered "I'm not ready for this"
she shook her head slowly
as he thought about this
she didn't want to break up
he was tired of being scared
she was blaming herself
he's the one who no longer cared
she said "I love you" one more time
he walked to the door
she began to fall apart
he said "I just don't love you anymore."

When i think of all that's happened
and the people we used to be
I see now that we have changed
and you weren't the one for me
We tried so many times to make things work
but we continued to hit dead ends
all the constant fighting just drove us further apart
to the point we can't even be friends
I'm sad because I loved you
I'm angry at myself for wasting so much time
I wasted my life trying to be with you
to only find you will never be mine
In a way I'm glad things didn't work out
your no longer the man you used to be
you were never ready to catch me if I fell
and knowing that I'm okay we're done
because I fell out of love with you a long time ago
and I don't miss you at all.

Right now I feel very depressed

I just want to crawl into bed wearing my favorite hoodie and cry myself to sleep while listening to Mayday Parade in the darkness.

It feels like my heart has been cut in two and no matter how many times I try to stitch the halves together they always have a way of coming undone and I am just so tired of trying to fix something that will forever be broken.

I am learning that there are some things in life that you can’t fix and I am one of them. I was broken 7 years ago and I have spent the last 6 years of my life trying to put myself together. I have gone to therapy, I have talked to family and friends, I have moved across the united states by myself to try to start my life over somehow and what do I have to show for it?

Here’s what I have. I have eyes that I cover with so much eyeliner because I don’t want anyone to take a chance at seeing into my soul. Underneath my eyes are dark circles from the many sleepless nights I’ve had because I can’t stop crying. I have scars on my legs from the times I have cut myself just hoping that if I punished myself for my own mistakes and everybody else’s that maybe, just maybe all that I’ve been feeling inside would just pour out of me and I wouldn’t have to feel it anymore. I have notebooks piled everywhere of poems I have written, some with tear stains, some with blood stains all about how I feel about myself, the ones I love, the world, how I see it, how I feel it, how I sense it and how I hurt so much all the time and how badly iIwant it all to end but I realized that I can write a million poems on how I feel and that still wouldn’t be able to get someone to understand me and my voice still wouldn’t be heard. I have a voice that screams as loud as it can and it’s as if I’m ******* invisible.

What I hate the most though is that I have a heart that should have stopped beating a long time ago. My heart is so fragile, it feels like it’s hanging from a thread and sometimes when I cry I start to get chest pains because I’m hurting so much. My heart is a part of me, it’s what I follow when I have to make important decisions, my heart is where my passion for music and writing come from. My heart has been lied to, disappointed, shattered, ignored, used, devastated, over worked, overwhelmed and when given to someone I thought would take good care of it, it was let go of, thrown, tossed like a game, stepped on, crushed and laughed at but it’s still running. It’s still doing it’s job at keeping me alive despite the chest pains it has to deal with when me, the one it’s working for, is having a meltdown. Just when I think my heart is at the point of never feeling anything again it does. No matter how many times my heart and I have been pushed away I always find a way to believe in things like trust, hope, miracles and even love. I have a way of opening up from time to time and letting someone get to know the real me all the while building a wall around myself as fast as I can out of fear of someone seeing too much and hating me later.

Pain is all I know. Crying myself to sleep is normal to me. Blaming myself for other people’s problems is what I have done since I can remember. Cutting is what I’m familiar with doing because I have done it for so long. Music and writing are what get me through the day. When people criticize me, put me down, or tell me what a **** up I am music and poetry are the things that tell me “Mandie those people are wrong, please don’t listen to them.”

Listening to music when I’m sad is the same as someone giving me a hug, holding me and letting me cry into their shoulder. Writing poetry is the same as writing a letter to someone only it’s not to one person. Depending on the poem and my mood, it can be a letter to a friend, an enemy, a boy I like, a family member, someone who died, someone who feels the way I do right now.

After writing all that I just wrote I still feel very sad and there’s tears falling on the keyboard I am typing off of now but that is nothing new. I cry more than I smile, I walk more than I talk, I spend all my time protecting myself from getting hurt instead of making plans and having fun, I worry more than I laugh, I am scared about a lot of things but I don’t show it, I’m strong on the outside but inside I am falling apart always. People think they know me and they don’t. They know my name but not my story. No one other than God knows me. Not even my best friend. Not even the guy I’m in love with knows me the way everyone thinks they do. Secrets, ***, hanging out, sharing your feelings…those things can help you get to know a person and bring them closer to you but there’s still a part of all of us that we keep hidden from the world because we are so scared of rejection, of losing ourselves, of being hurt, of being too different, maybe even being unwanted after being told we would be loved no matter what.

I just want to feel better but I will never feel better. I can walk on the strip in Vegas with a smile on my face, holding hands with the one I want to spend forever with but inside I will be terrified of the person who was by my side then changing his mind hating me two years from now and all the happiness I felt that day would be something that was taken away, never to be returned again. They say life is too short to be anything but happy, if life is so short then why spend it being disappointed and hurt over and over again? You take a chance at being happy and it gets destroyed. Why put yourself through something you know wont last? If my life is so short I don’t have time for games and being lied to, cheated on and thrown away, being treated like an option or being nominated for second choice. I would rather protect myself from that. I would be happier if I protected myself, not let anybody in instead of being hurt and crying all the time like I do now.

I know I said I was depressed before, but after reading all that I just typed I now feel very very sad. I don’t like how I feel about certain things and situations, I don’t like the walls I have built around myself, I also don’t like the condition my heart is in. I don’t like who I’ve become and I cant find a way to change how I feel about all that I talked about. I guess that’s why I call myself broken…

I seem to lack the talent of being able to see any beauty within myself
I find everything beautiful
I can look at the sky and describe the clouds in metaphors
that artists could turn into a masterpiece
I can look at my best friend and tell her how she is the image of the sun,
the moon, a field of roses and the stars combined into a human being that is absolutely flawless
I can look at the man I love and spend hours telling him how he was created with intense love and that everytime he smiles my heart literally feels like it is going to beat right out of my chest
I can look at my nieces and tell them over and over again as I kiss their precious faces how they are beautiful angels with wings so big and hearts so pure that one day their beauty is going to take the breathes away from so many people
I can look at my mother and see all of the hell she has been through in her lifetime and still be able to tell her how she is a beautiful walking story of inspiration and that if she did not exist in my life my whole world would not make sense
I can find beauty in a stranger and see qualities they probably never even knew they had
I look at me and all I see is disappointment
I see failure
I see ugliness
I see a waste of space
I see someone who is like an annoying dog who everyone likes to tie up outside and forget about
I see anxiety and depression and the state of isolation it causes me on days I can't function with the world
I see someones who will always be disgusting no matter what I do
no colors of hair dye,
no shades of lipstick,
no pounds shed off of my body,
no plastic surgeries,
nothing will make me beautiful because I'm not beautiful
I try to see what other people see and I can't
My view in the mirror is like a rainy day full of gray and pain and
my view of anyone else is like looking at the ocean as the sun sets and
I can't stop because everyone else is so beautiful
If I'm not ugly as everyone claims
then I must have broken eyes

At this very moment my heart is breaking
It is breaking in two and I can feel it
It feels like a huge weight is on my chest
as if a ton of bricks fell on me
It is hard to breath
It hurts so bad I can't help but cry
I want the breaking to stop
I feel like a part of me is being ripped apart
and there is nothing I can do about it
I feel like part of me is gone and I can't get it back
Crying makes the pain worse
with every tear that falls
Another part of my heart breaks
Every breath I take
makes the aching hurt so much more
When the tears have stopped
a numbness falls over me making me very tired
With each breath I take my chest burns
like an open wound left untreated
I fall asleep and dream of memories
that make me smile so big
Then I wake up
I realize it was only a dream
I cry as my heart breaks all over again

I feel like such a burden 99% of the time
I think about what life would be like with me out of the equation
and sadly I feel like everyone I love would be better off
My parents won't have to deal with the embarrassment of their daughter being a high school drop out
with no ambition in life other than to write poetry about how sad she is
My brothers and sisters won't have to deal with the annoyance of their sister being so sad she can't get out of bed some days because sometimes being around people for too long drains her
My nieces won't have to grow up having an aunt who is bat **** crazy and they won't ever have to deal with the embarrassment  and annoyance my family suffers
My friends won't have to worry about their friend who can never stay happy for too long
My boyfriend wont have to deal with the stress of having a girlfriend who cries everytime she looks at her reflection
God won't have to waste his time blessing me with this life I take for granted because I am a lazy waste of space
My body wont have to work just to keep me alive when all I do is punish it for not looking the way I think it should
I feel like I waste people's time
I feel like I make everyone's lives stressful just by breathing and I don't want that
I want to make the ones I love happy
I just can't seem to do that

You are yelling my name
I can hear sirens singing in unison
I try to open my eyes but it hurts too much to try
I am tired
but your voice keeps pulling me away from sleep
I try to move my hands
They feel like they are on fire
Shards of glass are stuck to my fingers
I am cold
I can feel the concrete on my back
I feel hands touching me
I am poked, prodded and given an oxygen mask
My head is throbbing
I try to remember how I got here
but I can't
I finally find the strength to open my eyes
I see my car smashed
A semi truck hit me throwing me from my car
I didn't even see it
I was not prepared to spend my evening lying on the highway
in the dark
I feel myself going in and out of consciousness
I feel your hand squeezing mine begging me to hold on
I want to
God do I want to but it hurts
I see angels
Beautiful angels reaching out their arms
asking me to go with them
I want to but I don't want to leave you
If I go with the angels
all of my pain will go away
If I stay
I will be in agony
I shake my head no to the angels
I can't leave you
The angels disappear
I feel myself being lifted and taken to the ambulance
As paramedics reassure me I will be okay
I grasp your hand as hard as I can
Your hand in mine
is the only thing that doesn't hurt

They said I couldn't sing
but I have a cd
they said I was too young
yet I have adults at my knees
they said he was just a crush
but now he's my husband
they said I was dumb
yet I got into college two years before them
they said I talk to much
now I have my own talk show
they said I acted immature
yet I pay my own bills now
they said I was a loser
yet I win all of the skateboard games
they said I was ugly
yet my my clothing stores have different names
they told me to die
but I'm still living
they say I waste time
but my friends can't get enough of me
they said I couldn't dream
but now look at me
every magazine they look at
my face is all that they see.

I used to think it was important to save relationships with people
who I knew deep in my soul were no longer meant to be in my life.
It's harder when its a family member but I would rather be surrounded
by people who love me so much it's hard for me to comprehend
than force myself to be around people who truly dont care about me at all.
When you love yourself and respect yourself,
I mean truly love and respect yourself, you will have no problem
cutting ties with people who no longer help you grow as a person.
Is it painful?
Yes. It's a heartbreak.
Is is lonely?
Yes. Change is supposed to be uncomfortable.
Does it make room for people who will love you in a healthy way
and present opportunities for you to shine
and take you on adventures too magical for the mind to understand?
Yes. With every loss comes a gain you never expected.
Will it happen overnight? No.
So what do you do? You grieve, you feel, you cry, you get angry,
you fall apart and you embrace being uncomfortable for a little while.
Then one day you realize you have the opportunity to start over,
to rebuild, to rediscover yourself and before you know it you're smiling again.
You're creating art, you're dancing in the rain and laughing so hard it hurts.
You look at yourself in the mirror
and think "wow! What was supposed to break me didn't and I feel good."
Sometimes making the choice to let go of someone toxic
is the best thing you can do for yourself.
It's never easy but its extremely rewarding in the end.
I promise you that.

I'm changing in ways I never thought would happen
who I used to be is gone
I went from this happy angel to depressed and broken
I don't know what went wrong
From my hair to my clothes to my personality to my attitude
all that seemed to change
Others complain about how I turned out
I love the results and that's strange
Sadness is not an emotion to me
it's something I deal with everyday
I hold it in on a daily basis
hoping it will go away
No matter where I go
no matter what I do
my sadness will stay in it's place
until I decide to release it by letting tears roll down my face
I'm learning to let things go
it's a process in the making
I'm risking losing certain people
but it's a risk worth taking
I never thought I'd see the day
where sadness didn't exist
That day will come eventually
and it's a day I refuse to miss

Waking up and 6 A.M.
I open the curtains to the let the sun shine into my room
every thing looks brand new
I slept alone for the first time in awhile
woke up with a big huge smile and I don't know why
I feel so alive.
All the things that weighed me down
I just let them go
took control of what I was running from
now I'm looking through the lens of a world that seems much brighter
everywhere I go, every step I take just feels lighter
I feel like I'm walking on cloud nine
for the first time in my life I'm convinced that I will be just fine
I'm no longer scared of the world that's out there
it feels pretty **** good to be back in my own skin
it feels good to not cry myself to sleep
it feels wonderful to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see
So many changes I'm going through
but I'm not changing for anyone else
I'm changing for me.

This morning I’m so dillusional
I can’t even see straight
the world is turning to black
I think I’ve met my fate
The colors spin out of control
there is nothing to grab onto
my mind is blurred, my throat is caught
I don’t know what to do
Every morning is ******* like this
I’m so sick of dealing with this ****
I’m getting to the point of just cutting again
to keep myself from having a fit
but that ****** me off even more
it’s because I’m so ******* crazy
that fact eats away at my soul
causing my eyes to get hazy
I have such a headache
why do I do this to myself?
why can’t I just calm the **** down?
why can’t I be like everybody else?
It’s just so embarrassing not knowing when I’ll explode
I get so ******* upset that it causes me to throw up
All of this anger. Where does it come from?
Life is going great
out of nowhere I’m turned upside down
and I become so full of hate
Knowing that just makes me feel worse
and the cycle repeats all over again
I’m so tired of dealing with this
when will this chaos end?

It sort of ****** me off that the characters in the books I read are having more *** than I am.

One Monday afternoon
I found a quarter on the sidewalk
the state on it read Illinois
I didn't think anything of it
so I put it in my pocket
I went to the grocery store
I was craving ice cream really bad
I got my change back in quarters
Each one had the state of Illinois on them
I was watching television late that night
distracted by a movie filmed long ago
Out of nowhere my movie was interrupted
by a commercial advertising the sights of Chicago

The next morning while driving to work
I was in a heated discussion with a friend
As I stopped at a red light
the radio blasted that Chicago commercial again
As my week went on it seemed that signs of Chicago were everywhere
On Tuesday we got a shipment of Chicago Cubs merchandise
at the store I work at which was very rare
On Wednesday I got an e-mail newsletter
from my favorite bands website
It said on Saturday at 8 pm
they would be playing in Chicago that night
On Thursday night I closed up the store
and bumped into a man
He said "I'm sorry for my rudeness
us Chicago folk can be clumsy sometimes"
On Friday I booked a flight to go see a friend in New York
halfway into my flight it started to snow
So the plane made an emergency exit
as the captain announced we would be landing in Chicago
I wouldn't be able to go to New York until Saturday
meaning I had to stay the night
I got a room at a hotel
and stayed up all night watching the snow fall outside

Saturday morning Chicago was pure white
no flights were happening that day
I knew I wasn't going home soon
so I decided to explore Chicago
As I was crossing the street to get to a museum
I slipped on some ice
a man about my age caught my fall
and asked me if I was alright
I couldn't give him an answer
he was completely gorgeous from head to toe
After he walked me to the nearest sidewalk
he let me go
After my museum visit
I went to Starbucks for a Peppermint Mocha
In line behind me was that same man
who had me in his arms an hour earlier
We got into a discussion
about things we were passionate about
He wrote songs for a living
while I struggled as a poetry writer
He asked me to write a song with him
I said that I would
We went back to his place and spent the rest of the day
writing as many songs as we could

When the moon greeted the sky
he asked me out to dinner
I was enjoying his company way too much
so I said yes
We ended up going out for pizza and beer
I laughed like I never had before
He walked me back to my hotel
once we were there it started to snow
He asked me if he could see me again
I told him I was leaving town tomorrow
He said "That's a shame"
then gave me his number with a smile so beautiful
Once I was in my hotel room
my laptop set off a ding
I got an e-mail from a publishing company
so I decided to give them a ring
The company wanted to publish me
they liked my style of poetry
They wanted to meet with me right away
I told them that was possible
I asked them where they were located
their response made me freeze like snow
I hung up as I looked outside
to welcome my new home which was now Chicago



As a believer in signs I think when we feel lost the universe has a way of giving us signs to let us know we are on the right track. When we ignore these signs, life has a way of forcing us to pay attention to these signs. This poem is complete fiction but I do believe that the things I mentioned could possibly happy. Chicago is one of my favorite places on earth. I rarely write about it so that is why I chose Chicago as the scene for this poem.

Little girl, little girl please don't cry
it's not your fault that you want to die
I know that he's mean to you, he yells all the time
he does it so much that his words seem to rhyme
Little girl, little girl please don't hide
it's not your fault you want to commit suicide
I know that they hurt all the bruises he leaves
he hits you so much when he tells you he loves you, you can't believe
Little girl, little girl please don't run
it can't rain forever, there really is a sun
I know that it's cold when he forces you to his room
when you refuse to go he hits you with a broom
Little girl, little girl please don't be afraid
Jesus will help you and take you away someday
I know that your weak so much you can't speak
one day you will be happy and walking on your feet
Little girl, little girl please don't cry
it's not your fault your not ready to say goodbye
I know that he scares you when he throws you on the floor
Jesus is taking you home now
you won't have to suffer anymore.

If only you knew how crazy my heart gets whenever I hear you laugh.
You're perfect.

I realized that I love him one random night

We were lying in his bed
my arm wrapped around him
as his hand held mine tightly
I could hear him breathing
I was almost asleep
when the words came out of my mouth in a whisper
"I love you Christopher"
I felt my heart pace
I was sure I was about to have an anxiety attack
until I whispered the words again
"I love you Christopher"
All of the fears that once prevented me
from living the life I wanted suddenly disappeared
All of my insecurities were now burning
in a pit of fire
All of my anxiety melted away
The walls I had built around myself fell down
The chains I wore around my emotional state of mine
just broke free
I began to breathe in air that was just new to me
It was shocking
but exhilarating all at once
I asked myself "Is this real?
Am I really feeling this way?
Do I really love this man?"

I do love him
It sounds so cliche but it's true
Looking at him is like watching a beautiful sunset
at the end of a Summer day
Kissing him is like watching fireworks
on New Years Eve
Holding his hand is like that first sip of coffee in the morning
Hearing him laugh is like running through an endless field of roses
It's beautiful
He is beautiful
The way he makes me feel is so intense
I am convinced it might **** me
Yet I want to feel
I want to feel everything this man causes me to feel
I want to embrace every emotion
I want to soak it all in
I want to breathe it
Sing it
Live it
Allow it to change my life
and brighten up my world
He has renewed my belief in love
he has taught me that I am worthy of love
he has me seeing things from a different perspective

Christopher I love you
I know it may be too soon to hear those words
I would freak out if you spoke those words back to me
but I do love you
I have loved you for a long while
I was too frightened to let myself it

It's three in the morning
I have to ***
I go ***
I go back to bed
I am wide awake now
I'll play my Inside Out game on my phone
I used up all of my lives
I have to wait for them to reload

It's four in the morning
I am still wide awake
I'll read random status updates on facebook
I come across a woman I met once or twice back in high school
she's married and has two boys under the age of three
WOW!
She's two years younger than me
and she already has so much to show for it
What about me?
I am twenty-three and I don't even own a car
how embarrassing
I need to distract myself
Another profile of someone my age who is far in life
she is really pretty too
How come at twenty-three I look so old but this woman looks sixteen?
She is thin too
How come the only time I come close to being thin
is when I have an eating disorder
GOD LOOK AT HER TEETH!
How come she was blessed with straight teeth and I wasn't?
Why was I made to be an ugly duckling?
I feel depressed now

It is five in the morning
I'll go back to sleep
I lie down
I close my eyes
I cuddle close to my boyfriend hoping the touch of him
will make me feel better
He went to dinner last night with his family
he said he was broke and couldn't pay for dinner
but they told him it was no problem
His sister made a comment about my facebook posting
she knows what her brother is up to
because I post about every part of our day
What we do, what we watch, what we eat
WAIT!
How can he afford to buy me wine
but not be able to pay for dinner with his family?
They're probably thinking he's lying
Now they're going to be mad at him and its all my fault
Why do I post so much on facebook?
The world doesn't care about what I eat for breakfast
The world doesn't care about my "deep thoughts"

It's five-thirty in the morning
I posted a throwback picture of my 22nd birthday yesterday
That was a good day
Balloons, pizza, cake
One of my gifts was a laptop
The soul purpose of that gift was so I can skype with an ex
who was away at college
He never called that day to wish me a happy birthday
he claimed he forgot about it
How do you forget the birthday of the one you claim to love?
Am I that easy to forget?
I remembered everything about him
I knew the name of every medication
he took on a daily basis for his bipolar disorder
but he couldn't remember my birthday?
This is the same person who ditched me at prom
for a party two months prior
I was silly for thinking he could be considerate for one day
WAIT!
This was three years ago
WHY DOPES THIS EVEN MATTER???!!!!
My head hurts
I am tired
I am depressed
I can't stop thinking

It is six in the morning
I need to get up now

Everyone knows I want to be with you
but you choose to be with her
Everyone knows I can give you a better life
but you still choose to be with her
Everyone knows you're the reason for the smile on my face
but you're still convinced she is the one
Everyone knows you're in love with me
but you're not telling anyone
I can do all I can to make you mine
but you will still walk away
You say you want to be with her
yet you **** me everyday
I get that she is pregnant with your baby
but that is no reason to stay stuck
You deserve to be happy
but with her your life will ****
You say you're in love with both of us
I say you're confused
You need to think about what you want
and eventually choose
If you choose her I can't be around
my feelings for you cannot handle that
If you choose me you will never be miserable
I can promise you that

I need you
I need you to not get angry with me
when I am feeling an emotion you don't understand
I need you to be patient with me
I have no clue what is going on with me
I have no idea why I get so upset for no reason
I need you to not judge me
When I gain the courage to tell you something is bothering me
don't tell me to get over it because I can't
I need you to not yell at me when I am not making sense
yelling at me only scares me and makes me think that I am bothering you therefore I shut down
I need you to hug me
I know all of the advice tips already
sometimes I just need to feel okay instead of being told that I am okay
I need you to listen to me
I don't want to hear about mistakes I am making when I feel like one every **** day
I need you to encourage me
This battle is so lonely
it's scary
it's uncomfortable and I need someone to cheer me on
I need someone to tell me that I am doing alright
I need you to not shut me out
when my anxiety is too intense and I don't have the energy
to express how I truly feel I need you to not walk away
and treat me like I am some disgusting human being you wish you had never met
I need you to reassure me that you are there for me
even though you have no idea how to make me feel better
I need you to not give up on me
I know I am difficult and I am nothing like you wished I would be
but the truth of the matter is I have depression and anxiety
I didn't choose this
Why would I choose this?
I didn't choose the life of racing thoughts,
marks on my skin,
obsessions about things that shouldn't even be an obsessions,
always questioning people's words and actions,
not being able to leave the house without feeling like I want to throw up,
sleepless nights because of **** that happened years ago
I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!
I DO NOT WANT THIS BUT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!
I AM TRYING TO BE NORMAL!
I AM TRYING MY BEST TO BE BETTER BUT I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF!
I NEED YOU!
Please...I need you...

The blade calls her name from the box
she’s being tempted again
she knows she doesn’t need to do this
but the thought won’t leave her head
She’s been really stressed these past few days
she has every reason to do it
but her actions just leave scars
she’s knows this because she’s been through it
She walks away from temptation
but the blade still calls to her
all she has ton do is use it once
and the stress will leak out of her
but once turns into twice
and twice turns into three
next thing you know she’s wearing long sleeves
hiding a secret from everybody
She decides enough is enough
and walks toward the blade
she picks it up, swears to it then tosses the thing away
she leans agaisnt her wall numb
unsure of what to say
she confronted her addiction
now the cutting stops today

I feel so sad right now
I can’t help but shake
everything is falling apart
and it’s all due to a heartbreak
Everything is spinning slowly
I can’t even count my steps
I want to take a chance at moving on
but I’m not ready to do so just yet
so until I do I’ll keep busy
and I’ll try to do my own thing
I’m so tired of pretending to be happy
it doesn’t help with anything
I’m trying to stay focused on positivity
but it’s hard with all this *******
it makes me want to do something stupid
such as go back to old habits
I’m trying my best to be strong
but it’s getting to be impossible
I’m becoming something that I’m not
I’m no longer reliable
I just feel so helpless
I wish i wasn’t alive
I wish something good would happen
sort of like a neat surprise
but good things don’t happen to me
I’m not worthy of anything good
I’m just a ******* crazy girl
who’s constantly misunderstood
Maybe I’ll cut tonight
then I won’t be so sad
maybe I’ll bust a ******* vein
then I’ll stop feeling so bad

He noticed her way out into the crowd
When he saw her smile it was as if everyone else around him disappeared
He felt the urge to talk to her
He wanted to touch her
Not in a ****** way
He wanted proof that who he was looking at was not a hallucination
He waited until she was sitting alone with her drink
He walked up to her
Stuck out his hand and introduced himself
She took his hand and as soon as their palms touched
He experienced something he never felt before
His blood turned cold
He had goosebumps rising on every inch of his body
The only noise he heard was his heart beating
He forgot how to breathe
Time literally stood still once their hands met each other
Without thinking he stared at her intently and said

"I want to know you
I want to know everything about you
I want to know what kind of music gives you chills
I want to know what your passions are
I want to know what you look like when you first wake up in the morning
I want to hear your laugh
I want to make you hot chocolate on a rainy day
I want to carry you into the ocean
and kiss you as the waves dance around us
I want to do everything and anything that makes you happy
so that the spark in your eye never goes away
I want to know you on the outside
I want to know you on the inside
I want to know your flaws so I can love them
I want to know what makes you cry
so I can protect you from pain because you are way too beautiful to cry
I want to know your heart
I want to know your mind
I want to love everything that makes you...you
Can I know you?
It would be an honor to know you"

He had no idea why he said all that he said
He didn't regret saying any of it though
As he turned to walk away
Convinced he had scared her off
She took his arm lightly and said

"It is nice to meet you
It would be an honor to know you too"


This poem is dedicated to my Mother and Mike, the wonderful man that makes her happy.

I used to think crying was for the weak
until I learned how much crying relieves the soul
when I cry all the pain that I feel slowly goes away
and it covers up the hole
the hole that forms inside your heart
when you have to say goodbye
the hole that brings back memories
and brings a tear to your eye
I cry in all different places
the shower, my bedroom, the river
sometimes, depending on my memory, crying makes me shiver
I cry to a favorite song
I cry when I go for a walk
or I lay in bed with the lights off so God and I can talk
Crying makes me depressed
but only for a little while
once I’ve cried I can wipe up my face
and eventually put on a smile
I think whoever said crying was for the weak
obviously never expierenced true pain
it’s okay to cry when your hurting
it’s what helps get me through the rain

One little cut across my precious skin

I feel the blood leaking out of me as it slides down my leg
I feel everything that has been bothering me drift away
As the first drop of blood touches the floor with this high I am experiencing

I make another cut

and another

and another

and another

and another

Until I am so cut up that I am numb
I can't feel anything and this is what I want
To not feel anything
To not have to deal with this pain that makes living so unbearable

But this

This habit in which I have developed is what keeps me going
If it wasn't for this addiction
this pleasure
this outside pain
this high
this coping mechanism
I would be dead
With cutting I cut to numb the pain inside
I cut to make sure that I am still alive

I cut

because this addiction is a secret in which no one else knows about

and I like it that way.

To my poor damaged heart
I'm sorry that you feel things so deeply
Every time you see a person in pain
you become so weak that it makes your job of keeping me alive so much more stressful
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you tried to warn me about that ******* back when I was eighteen
Instead I ignored you and allowed him to break you into pieces with an emotional hammer
I'm sorry that I kept you in a box for three years
when all you wanted was to be felt,
to be heard,
to be given the freedom to beat so loud
the world couldn't help but stop and listen to what you had to say
I'm sorry for not giving you the time you needed to heal properly
when every man you trusted bruised you with words
that still bring tears to my eyes when I am left alone with my thoughts for too long
I am sorry that I tossed you at the first person I thought could save me
when it was me who had the ability to save myself all along
Most importantly I am so sorry that now that I have set you free from your box you are too damaged to do all of the things you wanted to do for a long time
You're so terrified of being handled with any kind of care because you fear you won't survive the next time someone gets tired of me and decides to drop you as you shatter to pieces on the floor
I am so sorry for being a disappointment
and not taking better care of you
My poor damaged heart
I am sorry
I am so so sorry


I blamed some of my past personal pain on people when in reality I was the cause of some of the pain I went through. I made certain choices that forced me to face serious consequences. It's true that people have hurt me but I also hurt myself by letting my pain have control over my life. I kept punishing myself for so long over things that happened years ago. I am learning to forgive myself. It's not easy but I think it's time I allowed myself to be happy again.

You always tell me what to do
I'll never do what you want me to
You don't make me happy
you make me mad
You ignore me when I talk
and you laugh when I'm sad
I do all the work in the relationship we have
You don't care about us
or anything that we have
I yell and I scream
so you can understand me
but it's making me sick
because you never listen to me
If you really care for me
you would try to be there
but all your proving to me is that you don't care
So tell me what you want
because I need to move on
I can't believe your an ***
I can no longer hold on

It's been 100 days since you broke my heart
and I still miss you everyday
I do all I can to fix myself
but not even my passions can take the pain away
I see you in my dreams every night
in my dreams we are kissing under the moon
then I wake up alone in my bed
and start to cry because I really miss you
Every time I talk to another guy
I pretend I'm talking to you
I go back to the times when I told you everything
because I trusted you like you wanted me to
Sometimes I still feel your kiss on my lips
and it still makes me feel alive
then I realize we will never kiss again
and no matter what I do I can't help but cry
My friends all tell me I should hate you
but I can't because I'm still in love with you
I can't just let you go like a balloon in the wind
not after everything we went through
Your still everything I want
even though you treated me cruel
You will forever have my heart
and I'll die still being in love with you.

I am at my wit's end
I just want to shut down and hide from the entire world
I can't continue ******* people off
I can't keep talking about my problems
to sort out emotions as I feel them
I can't keep reaching out to people
who have their lives on track
It's not fair for me to cause stress for other people
I can't even describe how I feel anymore
It's more than depression
It's worse than anxiety
It's something unknown
It isolates me
It confuses the **** out of me
It causes me to feel out of my skin
to the point I want to rip myself apart
I don't want to discuss it
I don't want to see a doctor for it
I just want it to go away
The possibility of me being dead by thirty does not surprise me
I am starting to understand the peace those suicide "experts" talk about
The peace
when you make the choice to die
how all of your emotional turmoil just disappears
Maybe I am becoming suicidal again
I don't know
I am so through with thinking
I don't want to die
but I can't keep living a life full of dead ends

Sometimes I wish I could be dead
just for one day
to see what it feels like
to not feel pain in anyway
I want to know what it's like to fly
without the fear of falling
to just walk the streets like I'm invisible
without stopping for a second and crying
I want to see who would miss me
if I was dead and gone
would people cry and fall apart
or just laugh like nothing is wrong
would they speak kindly of me at my funeral
or would they speak a bunch of lies
would they curse my name in anger
or would they wish me back to life
Sometimes I wish I could wake up in heaven
just to spend one day with Jesus
just to talk to him face to face
and tell him about all of my problems
I want to walk with him in the clouds
and let out everything
then listen to his advice
on how to make my pain go away
if I could be dead for one day
I probably would want to stay that way
what I woukd give to be flawlessly beautiful
just for one day
to see how everyone would react
would they even care
or would they ignore my death like a penny
and pretend I was never there.

Thank you for finally finding me