I promise to be confident
I promise to be true
I promise to not be so ******* myself
I promise to start new
I promise to not call myself ugly
I promise to not fall apart
I promise to cry when I’m happy
I promise to be strong
I promise to not be selfish
I promise to be myself
I promise to be my own kind of beautiful
I promise not to be jealous of anyone else
I promise to always smile
I promise to be sweet
I promise to make good decisions
I promise to be healthy
I promise to always hope
I promise to not give up
I promise to be a good friend
I promise to not call myself a **** up
I promise to be honest
I promise to shine
I promise to fight to the end
I promise to protect what’s mine
I promise to not call myself fat
I promise to just relax
I promise to believe in myself
I promise to ignore what’s being said behind my back
I promise to do my best
I promise to love unconditionally
I promise to live like there is no tomorrow
I promise to not give up on me

Right now I’m struggling with my weight
I honestly hate how I look
I’m always comparing myself to other girls
to the point my feelings get hurt
I don’t have a thigh gap
my ***** are really huge
my stomach sticks out when I sit then hangs when I stand
I can’t wear a pair of jeans without looking like a whale
Sometimes I wish I could cut off my fat
so I can be happy with what I see
I wish I looked like the skinny girls you see all over Tumblr
I sit in the shower and cry
as I tear myself down for an hour
I feel like everyone is disgusted with me
whenever I go out in public
I feel so huge next to anyone
so I perfer to stand by myself
I wish this battle with myself would end
I hate hiding my body
I just wish I was tiny like other girls
so I can stop disgusting everybody

I refuse to be one of those people
that everyone chooses to love once she is dead
Don't wait until I'm lifeless and can no longer hear you
to start giving a **** about me
If I wasn't good enough for you while I was alive
I sure as hell won't be good enough for you when I'm dead
If there is something you need to tell me
do it while I can still hear you
If you want to see me
make plans with me
If you love me
tell me while I am still here to love you back
Do not wait until I am a pile of ashes
to confess everything you ever wanted to say to me

I promise to be confident
I promise to be true
I promise to not be so ******* myself
I promise to start new
I promise to not call myself ugly
I promise to not fall apart
I promise to cry when I’m happy
I promise to be strong
I promise to not be selfish
I promise to be myself
I promise to be my own kind of beautiful
I promise not to be jealous of anyone else
I promise to always smile
I promise to be sweet
I promise to make good decisions
I promise to be healthy
I promise to always hope
I promise to not give up
I promise to be a good friend
I promise to not call myself a **** up
I promise to be honest
I promise to shine
I promise to fight to the end
I promise to protect what’s mine
I promise to not call myself fat
I promise to just relax
I promise to believe in myself
I promise to ignore what’s being said behind my back
I promise to do my best
I promise to love unconditionally
I promise to live like there is no tomorrow
I promise to not give up on me

I’m sitting here on the floor watching you sleep

as you snore away in the night

Sometimes I just lay and listen to you breathe

as I hold you agaisnt me real tight

It’s not that I’m worried about you

I just like to hear you breathe

On good days it helps put me to sleep

on bad days it soothes me

You look so comfortable in our bed

as if it’s where you belong

and on some nights I like to lay on your chest

as your heartbeat plays the perfect song

You look so happy in your sleep

makes me wonder what your dreaming

Sometimes I get jealous of you

because I’m wide awake and your sleeping

I can watch you sleep forever

I can sit for hours and stroke your hair

I can be up for hours just holding you

I could be exhausted but I wouldn’t care

I don’t mind watching you for hours

it’s good to see you at peace

Your breathing is what keeps me entertained

on sleepless nights like these

From the very beginning
you touched me in a way no one has before
you loved everything about me
yet you didn't even know my name
you let me be myself
even though I deserved to be put in my place
instead you just listen to me vent
until a smile crosses my face
I had no idea I'd fall in love with you
with our very first "Hello"
I try to think of how my life was without you
but now it's **** near impossible
you have such an affect on me
your a drug I can't describe
you are the one for me
you are my love at first sight

I stepped into your shoes today
and I felt devestation
a death in the family took you by surprise
now you're contemplating suicide again
I stepped into your shoes today
and I felt so proud
you graduated High School
you're screaming in your victory voice so loud
I stepped into your shoes today
and your heart is breaking
your boyfriend just broke up with you
you're throwing everything away that’s no longer worth saving
I stepped into your shoes today
and I felt guilty
you cut after almost a year
now you're feeling ugly
I stepped into your shoes today
and I felt depressed
you're getting ready to **** yourself
because you feel so helpless
I stepped into your shoes today
and I felt scared
you're about to have your first baby
and the father isn’t there
I stepped into your shoes today
and I got a really bad tummy ache
you have Cancer and you're dying
there’s not much more your body can take
I stepped into your shoes today
and I started to cry
your husband was called into war
this could be your final goodbye
I stepped into your shoes today
and I felt nervous
you're leaving for college in two days
and you can’t seem to find your courage
I stepped into your shoes today
and I felt lost
you're five years old, you lost your Mom and it’s almost getting dark
I stepped into your shoes today
and I felt overjoyed
you won an award for your writing
you are filled with so much pride
I stepped into your shoes today
and I felt peace
you lived your life, you reached your dreams
you're as ready for death as you will ever be
I stepped into your shoes today
and I felt in love
you just married the love of your life
in front of your family, friends and God
I stepped back into my own shoes today
and I felt grateful
I realized I’m not the only one on earth with problems
and I’m thankful for all that I have

I am sick of people asking me
why I am choosing not to have *** again
until I am married
Why do I need to explain myself?
Why do I need to have a reason?
I do not want to be one of those girls
who sleeps with every guy she dates
I am tired of feeling like I am only good enough
to be with if I put out
There is more to me than just my body
My body is not an ingredient you need to add
in whatever half *** relationship you're trying to cook up
My body is not something you test out first
to see if it's actually good or not
I am a person
I am a human being with feelings
I am a woman who is smart
I am funny
I am creative
Don't you want to know who I am as a person?
Don't you want to know what makes me unique?
Why does it always have to be about my body?
I do not want to give myself to someone
who only wants me until someone better comes along
I want to be with someone who loves all of me
I want to be with someone who loves my mind
Who loves my weirdness
Who loves my honesty
and who loves my courage to be myself
I want a man who can feel good with me
without feeling the need to have me naked to do so
The man who can love all of me without hesitation
is the man that deserves to explore my body
He will respect it and still love it
despite all of the changes it will go through
over the years I am alive

Everyone feels pressure to make a huge impact on the world
We all want to be remembered when we die
We fear that if we are not famous when we die
then no one will miss us
No one will grieve us
No one will ache for us
That is not true
Fame does not measure how much you are loved
You do not need to be on TV to be loved
You do not need to take your clothes off in front of a camera to be loved
You do not need to write a hit song to be loved
You do not need to have a million dollars to be loved
The ones who love you for who you are
The ones who have seen you at your lowest and still stuck around
The ones who fought with you and for you
The ones who remembered your birthday without the help of Facebook
The ones who saw you at your most vulnerable and never took advantage of you
The ones who held your hand when you were scared
The ones who cheered you on when you couldn't believe in yourself
Those are the people who truly love you
Those are the people who will remember you
Those are the people who will not let a day go by without showing you
even after death how much they love you
So what those people may be five
or 20
or 50
They may not be 2 million followers like your social media profile reads
I would rather be remembered by 5 people who truly loved me
than by 2 million people who only love me based on my social status as a celebrity


For anyone who has passed on that thinks their souls are not remembered and to those who fear they will be forgotten after death, you will be remembered and you are remembered. This poem was inspired by Taylor Swift's song "Long Live" and Season 4: Episode 14 "The Hero In The Hold" from the Television show "Bones"

I know that I hurt you
I’m sorry for what i did
I never meant to lie to you
about all the things that I hid
I never meant to run away
whenever we got into a fight
I always came back because I loved you
and I wanted to make things right
I meant it when I said I wanted to be with you forever
I meant it when I promised to stand by your side through whatever
whenever we were apart
all I did was think of you
I thought of all the good times
as well as the bad times too
My heart belongs to you
you had me from the start
if I ever had to live without you
I think I’d fall apart
I’m really sorry I hurt you
I know I can’t take back what I did
I’ll do all I can to make up for it
and all the secrets that I hid

I am so tired of being depressed
I don't want to complain to people
about how sad I get sometimes
They don't care
They have their own problems
They don't give a **** about mine
Sometimes it is impossible to leave the house
because the anxiety that comes from being sad
is too much for me to handle
I get so frustrated because it's bad enough I get so sad
to the point that I want to end my life
I hate walking around with the feeling like I am constantly being suffocated
When the sadness and anxiety get to be too much
I just want to give up on myself
I am so exhausted
Do you have any idea what it's like to fight something
that you cannot see?
The criticism from ordinary people with ordinary problems
are so mean
especially when those ordinary people are family members
I look into the mirror sometimes and I am just disgusted
I can see in my eyes all of the emotional ******* I carry
it is enough to make me physically sick
I just want to bury myself in some blankets
and never wake up
I can't even sleep because the stress of my anxiety
likes to keep me awake
I am so angry now
I do not want to ******* deal with this
I am tired
I feel like I am losing my mind
because my head hurts so much
I don't know what the **** to do
I just want to be normal
I want to be a normal woman
with normal emotions,
normal thoughts,
a normal sleep pattern,
normal self esteem,
normal everything!

I am so irritated that even the wind currently blowing outside
makes me want to shoot myself in the face
I can't tell anyone how I feel because they will worry
I don't want people to worry
I want people to tell me I will be okay
because right now I do not feel okay
I feel scared
I feel tired
and I don't know what to do

I want to go far away from here
I'm sick of being in this place
I'm sick of feeling sick all of the time
I'm sick of seeing her face
I'm tired of being an outcast
I'm tried of being a joke
I'm tired of being questioned
I'm tired of wanting to choke
I'm fed up with being unaccepted
I'm fed up with how I look
I'm fed up with my emotions
and my dignity that they took
I'm sick of feeling out of control
I'm sick of being sad
I'm sick of feeling out of my skin
and always being mad
I'm sick of being a loser
I'm sick of being lame
I'm sick of being misunderstood
I hate feeling ******* insane.

Oh Darling,
It kills me inside to see you so sad
You are so young
You are so beautiful
I won't be the kind of person who tells you that you are too young
to be so sad
Depression doesn't care about age
Depression doesn't care about race
Depression doesn't care that you have a plate full of problems already
Depression is a sneaky *******
Depression has a way of reaching into your personal outer space
and wrap it's arms so tightly around your neck as it forces you
down into the deepest part of the ocean
It lets you go every once in awhile but as soon as you are so close
to reaching the surface to finally catch your breath
it comes back up and down you go again
I'm sure somewhere in your heart you know that you are beautiful
You know that you are strong
You know that you are capable of doing anything you set your mind to
However, depression doesn't let us see our beauty
It doesn't let us feel our strength
Depression takes away our ability to get through the hell it unleashes onto us
I spent seven years slicing up my arms in the hopes that my sadness
would leak out of me
I spent months starving myself
as a way to make up for the beauty depression took from me
I spent so many nights envisioning suicide and attempting not once
not twice
but three times because I was so tired of feeling sad
I was so tired of being sore not just on the inside but on the outside
I was tired of feeling like I was constantly drowning
Someone once told me I was too young to be sad
I laughed in anger because how dare that person tell me that
How dare that person make me feel like I was being ridiculous
for feeling how I felt
Do you think I enjoyed making myself bleed?
Do you think I enjoyed being hungry?
Do you think I enjoyed feeling tired because I was fighting a battle that no one else could fight but me
I know that when you cry yourself to sleep at night
you wish you could just fall asleep in peace
I know that when you take those pills
you don't really want to take them
but you are running out of options on how to make your unhappiness go away
They say it's the people around you
It's the things that you watch
It's the things that you read that make you so sad
The only people who tell you that are people who have never
ever experienced true depression
I haven't cut myself in three years
That doesn't mean that when depression pays me a visit
I don't wish that I could lean on a razor to feel better
I am not here to tell you what to do or what not to do
I am here to let you know that I understand what it's like
to feel the way that you do
I understand what it's like
to be where you are right now
I know what it is like to just want to die because you are tired of fighting
I also know now that there is a light at the end of this dark
and what feels like an endless tunnel
I know that if you keep fighting
you will get through this sadness
I'm not saying the sadness will go away because it won't
I'm twenty three years old and that sadness I felt as a teenager
still lingers behind me each and every day
I learned to reach inside myself
and use my sadness as a weapon to kick depression's ***
It's exhausting each and every day
It was devastating to learn that I will be fighting this battle for the rest of my life
I have two options every morning when I wake up
I can choose to fight or choose to give up
Oh Darling
It kills me inside to see you so sad
You are so young
You are so beautiful
I won't be the kind of person who tells you that you are too young
to be so sad
I will be the person that loves you
and shows you that there is life beyond this ugly thing called depression


If you ever need someone to talk to: 24-hour Hotline.
National Suicide Prevention Helpline.
1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)

I am so in love with you I want to scream
I am so glad I found you
it makes me gleam
The smile on my face says it all
you make me feel strong so I can stand tall
You kidnapped my heart
and it feels so great
You're there to hold me and catch me at any rate
Your love for me makes me blush
when you hold my hand I get an adrenaline rush
The things you say to me make me feel special
the things you do for me are so wonderful
I can do anything when you're around
you pick me up from the cold when I fall to the ground
I can't believe I have you
I love you so much
I love you even more every time we touch
You are my soulmate
you take my breath away
I love you so very much
marry me today


I wrote this for the man I had my first real relationship with. I was 16 years old. I hope to feel this way again one day when I fall in love with my true soul mate.

Kiss me when I'm happy
Kiss me when I'm mad
Kiss me when I'm hyper
Kiss me when I'm sad
Kiss me when I'm sleepy
Kiss me when I'm sick
Kiss me when you're bored because I can't get enough of your lips
Kiss me in your car
Kiss me in the shower
Kiss me when we're walking
Kiss me for a couple of hours
Kiss me during school
Kiss me during work
Kiss me when I'm scared
Kiss me when I'm a ****
Kiss me when your dreams come true
Kiss me at hello
Kiss me when your world crashes down
Kiss me when your feeling low
Kiss me because you love me
Kiss me at goodbye
Kiss me for no reason at all
Your kisses are what keeps me alive

They floated there in the water
freezing to their deaths
Their lips were ice and blue
there was frost on their breaths
The Titanic sank an hour ago
it took all that they had with it
Now all that they had were each other
neither one complained about it
Jack loved Rose since he saw her standing on Titanic's deck
he lost is breath as the wind blew through her red hair
She was a rich woman, he was a poor man
neither of them seemed to care
They would spend time together regardless of what other people thought
together they were free
As long as they were in each other's arms
they could be whoever they wanted to be
On their last night on the Titanic
their love was put to the test
Rose didn't want to be away from Jack
he was her prime example of how truly she was blessed
They held onto each other more than they ever did that night
up until the very end Jack reassured Rose that they would be alright
Once they were in the water
panic never hit their souls
Jack made sure they stayed together
he never let go of his beloved Rose
They found a part of a door
that was floating on the ocean's surface
The both of them together could not fit
yet they did not become hopeless
Jack let Rose lay on the door
so she wouldn't have to freeze
He stayed close to her side
while keeping afloat with his knees
They ignored the cold around them
by talking about their love
Jack told Rose how much he loved her
and how much he thanked the Lord above for her

As an hour or two passed
Jack and Rose grew very quiet
Almost everyone around them was dead
therefore it was silent
Rose looked up at the stars
and sang the song Jack had sung to her before
An icy tear slid down her cheek
as she thanked God for bringing him to her
Out of the corner of her eye
Rose saw a rescue boat up ahead
Her heart started thumping
not everyone was dead
She turned to Jack to let him know
but something shut her up
Jack's eyes were closed
he wasn't waking up
She called his name over and over
she told him there was a boat
She started crying when he didn't respond
she didn't want him to go
She grabbed his hand tightly
and cried against his nose
She knew that no matter what happened
she would always be his Rose
Knowing that he was gone
she began to cry her hardest
As she kissed his hand one last time
she said "I will never let go, I promise"
Her heart fell to pieces
she lost all emotion
She watched Jack slip away
deep into the ocean

Years passed since that night
Rose lived her life until she got too old
She never told anyone her Titanic story
she didn't think it was meant to be told
She spent her life out by the sea to be closer to Jack
not a day passed by where she didn't want him back
She finally told her story to her granddaughter and friends
when she went to sleep that night
She slipped away to heaven
to be with Jack again

To quit writing would
be like going through a breakup
I could never recover from.

I was told today to drop dead
to go away because I am annoying
I went home, shut my bedroom door
and immediately started crying
I've been told these words before
you think they would be easier to hear
Yet every time those words are said
I am consumed by my biggest fears
My emotional scars re-open
revealing a vulnerable part of me I try so hard to hide
I'm taken back to seven years ago
when my only thoughts were of suicide
I don't mean to be annoying
I can't help who I am
I'm sorry I'm not good enough
but there is no way you will forgive me is there?
This is what happens when you care so much
you tend to get hurt
This is why I build up walls
because humans are the worst
So I sit here writing this poem
on my cold bathroom floor
Letting my tears fall down my face
as I try to mend my heart that you just broke

She is not a *****
She is not heartless
She is not selfish
She is not full of herself
She is exhausted
She is worn out
She is done
She is tired of not being heard
She is tired of not being seen
She is tired of trying to be good enough
She is tired of having to take care of everything
She is tired of the late nights staying up worried about her loved ones
She is tried of disappearing and no one noticing her absence
She is tired of being taking advantage of
She is tired of giving advice yet when she needs advice no one seems to be around
She is tired of being disrespected
She is tired of being judged when she needs to be understood
She is tired of holding back because no one wants to hear about her problems
She is tired of being pressured into doing things she doesn't want to do
She is tired of being terrified to let people in
yet no one is giving her a reason to let her fear of vulnerability go
She is tired of working and not getting anywhere
She is tired of encouraging others but when she needs motivation
it's like she doesn't exist
She is tired of her kindness being walked all over
She is tired pushing forward just to be pushed back
She is tired of being everyONE'S HERO
SHE IS TIRED OF ALWAYS BEING THERE JUST TO BE LEFT BEHIND
SHE IS TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE SHE DOESN'T MATTER
SHE DOES MATTER
SHE IS A PERSON
SHE IS A GOOD PERSON
SHE TRIES SO HARD TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE MISERABLE
SHE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE WALKED ALL OVER LIKE A BEAT UP PIECE OF CARPET
SHE PUTS OTHERS FIRST ALWAYS AND SHE GETS CHOSEN LAST
SHE IS TIRED OF IT
TIRED OF NOT GETTING WHAT SHE NEEDS
SHE NEEDS SOMEONE TO HOLD HER HAND FROM TIME TO TIME
SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A SHOULDER TO CRY ON
SHE NEEDS TO BE SEEN, TO BE HEARD, TO BE APPRECIATED
SHE IS A HUMAN BEING WHO NEEDS A HERO TOO
SHE IS...remarkable
Extraordinary
Beautiful
Talented
She is a rare person to find
She is everyone's hero but sometimes even hero's need help sometimes
Even hero's have bad days and just need someone to remind them of their greatness
She needed a hero
but now it's too late...

There comes a time where things happen for a reason and there is nothing  we can do about that. There comes a time when we leave our hearts open knowing that our hearts may get broken sometimes. There comes a time when everything falls apart and you ask yourself "how did I get here"? When that happens, that is the time to take a stand, stay strong, and tell the one you love how you feel even though you might get rejected in the end. You don't want to spend your life wondering "what if" or live in regret because you didn't take a risk in love.

Dear Santa
I don't ever ask you for anything
not because I don't believe in you
I just don't like to ask for things
I feel selfish when I do
Out of all of the things a woman my age could possibly want
this is all I truly desire this year
All I want for Christmas is true love
the kind of love people obsess over in songs and books
I want kisses that feel like electricity exploding
that feeling of someones hand in mine causing more goosebumps on my skin better than any snowfall ever could
I want deep conversations that prolong into the early morning and breakfast at 12pm because we slept in late
after being up all night
I want passion so real it scares the **** out of me but it's okay because I have someone to share that he passion with
I want care rides full of laughter over things most people are too uptight to laugh about
I want a connection to someone so intense I can't describe it with words
I want the good, the bad and the ugly that comes with true love
I know true love isn't perfect but that's what makes it real
It's messy, complicated and scary
but I'm brave enough to want it
Without love life is empty
whether it be a romantic love,
platonic love,
love for your family or pets
Love is magical
I just want someone to share the magic with
I know what I'm asking for is impossible and a little weird
but it's all I would love to have for Christmas this year

There is such a thing as magic
and that magic is called love.
You create magic
every time you choose love over hate.
Love has the power to do wonderful things
and no matter how hopeless things may seem
the magic of love can prove otherwise.
Whether the love is shared with your lover,
your friends,
your family,
your pets,
a stranger,
a child it's all the same.
Love can be found in a song,
a poem,
a smile,
a laugh,
a compliment,
a hug,
or a reassurance that everything will be okay.
Love can change the world
and changing the world is magical.

There’s a lot I want for Christmas

but what I want is not for me

I don’t need a million dollars

or a bunch of presents under the tree

What I want can’t come from Santa

these are things only Jesus can do

although I have a long list

I’ll just name off a few

I want the war in Iraq to stop

too many people are dying and for what?

Over countries who can’t compromise

they want more than they already got

I want the homeless to be sheltered

I can’t stand seeing people sleeping on the streets

I want the homeless to be fed and warm

not outside shivering on their knees

I want animal abuse to stop

these animals are helpless

they deserve to be loved and cared for

not left in the alleys feeling hopeless

I want a cure for cancer

so there are more birthdays to celebrate

I want the sick to be disease free

so they can live life and enjoy it

I want those who are depressed to find happiness

I want an end to self-mutilation

I want more people to take mental health seriously

not make fun of it for attention

I want those with eating disorders to look in the mirror

and realize how wonderful they are

I want the self-hate to be over with

so they can shine like the stars they are

and lastly I want the ones who hurt me in the past

to change their ways and start over

I want their past to be their past

I want them to have a new look at their future

I want my family and friends to know I love them so much

and that if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be here

Out of all the billion things a girl could ever want

these are the things I want for christmas this year

I took a few pills
in the hope that they would take away my pain
They did for a little bit
they made me so high that I couldn't feel anything
When I awoke the next morning
the pain hit me like a car
So I took a couple more pills
but I didn't get very far
Once the effects of the pills wore off
and there was no more high
The pain got incredibly worse
to the point it made me cry
I took some more of those **** pills
too upset to pay attention to the dose
I never woke up the next morning
I was stuck in a coma
The doctors pronounced me dead
without the breathing machine I wouldn't survive
Yet something inside me said otherwise
causing me to stay alive
I woke up after two days
of living in a comatose dream
The pain came crashing down on me hard
but it felt good to feel something
Once I was able to breathe on my own
the doctors explained to me what had happened
They told me that I had overdosed
as my family stood in the background crying
They asked me question after question
wanting to know why I took the pills
I told them that I didn't know
even though I knew the truth
Life threw me a few curve *****
I wasn't quite ready to catch
I thought the pills would help me
instead the brought me closer to death
The doctors sent me to rehab
a place I had hoped to avoid
I had a chance to change my life
or endure another unplanned suicide
I wasn't sure where to go with myself
I just wanted my **** pills
The pills didn't benefit me
they just made me more emotionally ill
The pain I faced hurt like hell
that is when I missed pills the most
The more I confronted my pain
the more I began to feel like myself
I learned that pills didn't help me at all
they just fed the things that were hurting me the most
My waking up in the hospital wasn't a miracle
it was God's way of giving me the chance to save myself
One year later I found those pills sitting in dust on my shelf
they reminded me of my near death experience
and how much they put me through hell
I flushed those **** pills down the toilet
for a minute I stood still
I never in my life would have thought
that my life would be forever changed by a pill.





This poem is dedicated to the following people:

To the friends I lost due to their addictions with pills and other drugs. I miss you terribly and I wish you were here with me today. I think about you all of the time and my heart stills aches for you all.

To the friends who have overdosed on pills and survived. I am really happy you are here and I am so proud of you for getting the help you need to live your lives to the fullest.

To the friends who are still addicted to pills and other drugs. I really wish you would get help because I miss you, I think you have so much to offer this world and it hurts to know you are wasting your lives hurting yourselves. I love you very much and I always will.

I woke up feeling frustrated today
a part of me just exploded
I couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me
so I freaked out and cried
I wouldn't let anyone be there for me
I just wanted to be left alone
As I went for a walk for six hours straight
I didn't even pick up my phone
People get mad at me because they can't understand me
not even my Mother does
The way I act, the things I wear
I do just because
I don't go out to impress anyone
if anything people should impress me
I don't let others in so easily
so thank your lucky stars if you know me
I'm not hear to make things easier for others
I'm a challenge you can't stand
I'm intimidating for a reason
I don't let any guy just hold my hand
I woke up in a very ******* mood
it happens from time to time
If you can't handle me at my worst
then your not a good friend of mine.

When people read my poetry
they all have the same question
"Why does your poetry have to be so sad?"
The question used to offend me
I used to think that question deserved an answer
I even started changing the kind of poems I wrote to please the people who read them
I was satisfied with my work
but it wasn't really me
I began to feel guilty
I began to feel like a fraud
Charles Bukowski once wrote
"a good writer must simply let it all go, regardless"
I'm sure he meant for those words to mean something else but for me
it was as if I was being reminded to stop allowing other people to have control over my writing
It's not every day I gain advice from someone who has passed on years before I was ever born
I no longer feel the need to answer everybody's question
Hell I even ask myself from time to time
"Mandie, why must your poetry be so sad?"
Depression is another language to me
I speak it well
I write it well
I know it well
Bottom line
if my poetry is too sad for you
then don't read it

If singing a song would make your tears go away
I would sing you every song I know
If telling you stories makes you laugh
I would talk until I couldn't speak anymore
If the sound of my voice saying your name gives you butterflies
I would say your name over and over again
If you were falling apart at three in the morning
I would walk over and let you cry as I held your hand
If you said you were ugly
I would go on for hours telling you how handsome you are to me
If you wanted to dance but there was no music
I would dance with you to the sound of your heartbeat
If you ever felt worthless I would tell you all the reasons why you are amazing
If you were feeling restless I would take you out so we could do something crazy
If I could I would take your broken heart, fix it and keep it with me
I would prove to you how much I love you so you could learn to trust me
I would carry your heart everywhere with me
I would do what I could to keep it safe
I wouldn't give any other girl a chance to tear it up
I wouldn't leave it in a random place
If we fought from time to time
I wouldn't stop loving you if I tried
You would always be on my mind
I would love you until the day I die
I would do anything to see you smile
I would go to hell and back for you without any fear
I would prove to you I am not like most girls
I am faithful and honest
as long as you want me to stay I won't be going anywhere

When I think about losing you
I think about losing my best friend
I think about all we have gone through
how I would hate for all of the memories to end
When I think about kissing you
I think of how in love I am with you
You are the only man I want to be with
I want to spend my life with you
When I think about holding your hand
I think about how safe I feel
I feel loved and adored
I feel on top of the earth
When I think about being in your arms
I think about how happy you make me
You hold me and treat me like a Queen
I feel so lucky to be yours
When I think of marrying you
I think of taking your last name
Saying "I do" and walking into a life that will be forever changed
When I think of our life together
I think of love that will last forever
We are the couple who overcomes anything
We fall more in love with each other with each passing day

Everyone knows I want to be with you
but you choose to be with her
Everyone knows I can give you a better life
but you still choose to be with her
Everyone knows you're the reason for the smile on my face
but you're still convinced she is the one
Everyone knows you're in love with me
but you're not telling anyone
I can do all I can to make you mine
but you will still walk away
You say you want to be with her
yet you **** me everyday
I get that she is pregnant with your baby
but that is no reason to stay stuck
You deserve to be happy
but with her your life will ****
You say you're in love with both of us
I say you're confused
You need to think about what you want
and eventually choose
If you choose her I can't be around
my feelings for you cannot handle that
If you choose me you will never be miserable
I can promise you that

What I love the most about swimming
is the feeling of water on my skin
When I close my eyes and go under water
it feels like I am washing away my sins
When I hold my breath until I can't no more
it reminds me that I am alive
In that moment I rise to the surface
and take a look at the sky
I feel the sun shining on me
I just enjoy the light it brings
I relax and breathe out
as I think about everything
I think of how far I have come
I am not who I was seven years ago
All of the pain that I was holding onto
I have finally let it go
I have forgiven others for hurting me
I have made peace with myself as well
I have forgiven myself for harming myself
whenever I got depressed as hell
I have learned to let myself be happy
I am an expert at being hurt
I have learned that I deserve to be appreciated
instead of being treated like dirt
I have learned to love myself
and embrace every flaw that I have
I have learned to remind myself that I am okay
whenever I feel sad
With that in mind I close my eyes
and go back under the water
I take in the moment while ignoring the cold
and remind myself that I am a fighter
Life is like a body of water
you can drown or roll with the waves
When life gets tough you can hold your breath and die
or rise to the surface and just breathe

I hate it when my parents fight
they have been doing it my whole life
Sometimes their arguments don't even make sense
I personally think they get off by fighting
If that is true
I don't understand why people do that
I hate fighting
The very idea of it
stresses me out to the point my stomach feels like
it is in flames
No one seems to care how much the drama stresses me out
How am I supposed to show my face for family fun
when I am dreading the social interaction
I don't want to be uncomfortable around my parents
yet I am sometimes
I could ignore how I feel
but that would cause me to emotionally shut down
Which in turn awakens the constant chaos that already corrupts my mind
I feel like I can't breathe now

When I was just a little girl
I knew something about me wasn't right
I spent most of my days angry
and I couldn't sleep at night
I found myself looking in the mirror at the age of nine
thinking to myself that I was fat
I thought that way until the age of thirteen
and that's when things got really bad
I spent most of my days sitting in my walk-in closet
writing poems as Green day blasted in my ears
I'd sit in the shower and cut myself
and let my blood collide with my tears
Not letting myself eat gave me some control
on what I was feeling all of the time
Even though I was always hurting
I would smile and tell everyone that I was fine
I poured my heart into my writing
everything made sense on paper
I felt relieved in some ways
when others treated me like a social loser
I was alone in this world of confusion I couldn't understand myself
All I could do was cry
because I was different from everybody else
The scars on me do not scare me
they remind me that I am not crazy
They remind me that I am human
with a past that is really messy
I still don't know what is wrong with me
if I could fix myself I would
Whatever I have will always be a part of
causing me to always be misunderstood.

Every time I see you smile
my heart skips a beat
I smile like an idiot
my eyes began to shine
Every time we meet
Every time you laugh
I get butterflies in my stomach
I get goosebumps on my arms
my face turns red
and I can't think of a response
Every time you hold my hand
a shiver runs up my spine
I feel comfortable enough to put my head on your shoulder
close my eyes and thank God your mine
Every time you kiss me
I feel so safe and complete
I love the feeling of your body agaisnt me
as you sweep me off my feet
Every time you speak
the rest of the world goes away
all that matters is you and I
and it's like this everyday
Every time we say goodbye
I feel excitement knowing I'll see you tomorrow
I drive away feeling on top of the world
Every time I think about your smile.

Vader the black nosed pitbull
had a very lovely smile
and if you ever saw him
you would stare for quite awhile
All of the other pitbulls
laughed at him because of his size
they wanted nothing to do with him
but boy were they in for a surprise
Then one day in Bullhead City
a man gave Vader a home
They left the pound with joy in their hearts
and now Vader was no longer alone
Now Vader has a family
and they're all filled with glee
Vader the black nosed pitbull
is the best dog in history

Just because I walk around sometimes
in a nice dress showing off my legs
does not mean I am asking to get *****
Men with blue eyes are a turn on for me
It does not give me the right to take a blue eyed man
and force him to have *** with me
Women can be rapists too
Not just men
You are never allowed to put your hands on someone
without their permission
You do not have the right to force *** on anyone
I don't care how turned on you are
There are boundaries
There are lines you do not cross
NO MEANS NO

My sister has always been the pretty one, she has always been the guys want and she has always been skinnier than me, That doesn't mean I'm fat, it doesn't mean no guy will ever want me and it doesn't mean I'm ugly. It just means that my sister and I are beautiful in our own way, we are different and the men we end up spending our lives with will love us for our hearts, not the way we look. Our hearts are amazing, our looks are just a bonus.

Who are you to determine who is ugly and who is pretty?
We are all beautiful and handsome.
It's how we carry ourselves as people
and what we choose to put out into the world that should matter.


There is a group on Facebook that I was added to called "No Ugly People Allowed." I denied the invitation because I think it's wrong to judge people based on how they look.

We have one hour to spend together before you leave
let's make this hour worthwhile
Let's say all of the things we used to be afraid to say
without paying attention to the clock's ticking dials
Let's lie in each other's arms
reminiscing about the day we met
Let's be open and vulnerable until we cry
not giving a **** if our faces get wet
Let's hold each other close until the moment we say goodbye
comes to destroy our lives
If you only had one more hour to spend with the one you love
how would you spend your time?

I don't mind that you have a mental illness
It doesn't bother me that you have to hold on tight to my hands
whenever you feel like you are drowning
It doesn't annoy me that we can't go to certain places for dates
because your stomach ties in knots unexpectedly
It doesn't irritate me that you get stressed out
when it's really hot outside
It doesn't make me mad when you have to miss work
because anxiety makes you physically sick
Your anxiety doesn't make me love you any less
it's the opposite actually
I am in love with you deeply
I don't care that you have anxiety
Hold onto me for as long as you need to
I don't mind
We don't have to go anywhere special
as long as you are okay then I am just fine
I hate the heat too
so let's be stressed together
I am here for the long haul
your anxiety does not scare me

I am someone who loves to believe in impossible things.
Thank you to those for loving that part of my personality
and bringing me to life
instead of trying to bury me alive with hate.

May I write a book about you?
I want to write chapters about how your smile
calms all of the piercing voices in my head
I want to put into words how the feeling of your hand in mine
calms all of the storms that cause chaos within my chest
I want to write you letters
telling you how you are the best thing that ever happened to me
I want to tell you so badly how much I love you
I love you so much but I am afraid to let myself tell you
because my love for you is so overwhelming
I don't think I can handle it
Sometimes I lay in bed and I feel like I am suffocating
under all of the ******* that my depression throws at me
but you are like the sky after a rainy day
You are so handsome
You are so beautiful
It's enough to make me sick because I can't wrap my head
around how someone so perfect can exist in a world like this
I can't accept the fact that you can have anyone you want
yet you chose me
I can still taste our first kiss on my lips
That kiss brought back to life all of the parts of me I thought died
I was a **** you turned into a flower
You made me able to love again
God! What a beautiful gift to be able to love someone so deeply
So I ask again may I write a book about you?
I want to write chapters on how you came into my life
and changed my world in the most magnificent way


To the one I will one day write a book about, I can't wait to meet you. Whoever you are...

It was a rainy day
I had no plans but I got dressed up and went down the street to my favorite cafe
Something told me that today was going to be a great one
I did my hair
put on some makeup
I put on my favorite dress
I wore the cutest pair of flats I own
I didn't care if the rain messed them up
I walked to the cafe allowing the rain to tangle my hair
mess up my makeup and soak my dress
I ordered my favorite beverage
A caramel latte
I sat in my cold dress next to a window
watching as the rain drops formed into music notes to a song only my eyes could read
As soon as I went to take a sip of my latte
it happened
I heard a jingle
signaling that someone had stepped into the cafe
I looked up and there he was
5.6, dark hair, brown eyes
a smile bright enough to light up the darkest sky
He too was wet from the rain
I could tell he walked to the cafe but his body language proved that he didn't seem to mind the rain
He sat at a table across from me
next to a window looking at raindrops
He spoke his order to the waitress
stared at the window
then looked at me
We stared at each other for what seemed like five minutes
it was impossible to look away
The waitress brought him his drink
he picked it up, stood up
and took a seat right across from me
He asked me "what are you drinking?"
I replied "a caramel latte, you?"
With a smile that made my heart stop
he answered "a caramel latte."

For at least a week my Mom kicked me out
so I stayed with my very best guy friend
I am glad I decided to go home with him
I had so much fun hanging out with him
He listened to me when I was upset
I had a lot of things on my chest
When I was tired he would hold me in his arms
as we both let our minds rest
All I had with me were my clothes
and clothes was all I needed
All we did was lay around, watch movies to catch up on sleep and we succeeded
I really liked Saturday night
when we baby sat a couple of bad seeds
We sat at the table barking orders
as he taught me how to play speed
We talked about him and his girlfriend
we stayed up late watching Nick @ Nite
He would sit outside with me as I smoked
while the moon shone so bright
The best part about my stay
was having him to myself
I learned he will always be there for me
I would never find him in anyone else
I also realized how blessed I am
to have a great friend like him
I know he will always stick by my side
and for that I will always cherish him

I'm not crying because I am sad.
Sometimes the love I carry and receive from others is so overwhelming
that my body needs a way to release it somehow.
My body chose tears.
Their happy tears.

I think it's amazing how much time has passed
and yet nothing has changed
Sure we may be leading different lives
yet our feelings for each other are the same
You went to college in Texas
I stayed here in Arizona with my poetry
We went two years without talking
and still that hasn't changed anything
We still go swimming in the middle of the night in your pool
and kiss under the oak tree in your backyard
We go for ice cream at Sonic
as we sit watching the stars
We still call each other by our nicknames
then laugh about nothing for hours
We stay up late watching zombie movies
only to become too terrified to sleep afterwards
You have been my best guy friend since freshman year of high school
You used to be like a brother to me
Now when I look at you
I describe you as my everything
I don't know why I never noticed it before
but I notice it now
I have liked you for a really long time
how about we give love a shot?

You are going away for a year
I am going to miss you so much
I am going to miss your smile, your laughter, your voice
I am going to miss the sparks that fly when our lips touch
I am going to miss your Packers cap
your skinny jeans and flip flops
I am going to miss our showers, our late night cigarette runs
and the hugs that make my heart stop
I am going to miss the way you make me giggle
whenever I am having a bad day
I am going to miss the way you say my name
you make it sound so beautiful in every way
I am going to miss your silly jokes
and cuddling with you in bed
I am going to miss hearing you talk in your sleep
about things I supposedly said
I am going to miss you taking me driving
I am going to miss being called "Babe"
I am going to miss the sparkle in your eyes because your so happy
I am going to miss your heart the most
it is so strong and so pure
I am going to miss you so much honey
Please come back to me
I love you

Always being watched even as you're taking a shower
Afraid to turn your lights off at night
because you don't want to know what lurks in the dark
Having encounters with ghosts
who manipulate you into thinking they are alive human beings
Always being attacked by dark forces
because of mistakes your ancestors made in the past
Someone is always bleeding
Someone is always being haunted
Being locked up in an institution
to be experimented on like a guinea pig
Mysteries, curses, deformities
Using spells to keep your loved ones safe
Staying aware of crazy clowns
who get pleasure out of stabbing people for no reason at all
Men with no eyes coming out of mattresses
Suicides
Self mutilation
Mental disorders
***
Romance
****
Psychological thriller
Fantasies
Realities
You start to question your mentality state
when you fall in love with a serial killer
and wish for an innocent victim to die
Facts
Imagination
Your beliefs will be tested
Your religion will be tested
Your loyalty will be tested
Your view of yourself and others who are different from you
will change
Your dreams will be bothered by the fact that pain brings you pleasure
and vice versa
Nightmares
Gore
Survival
Anger
Sadness
Death
Just when you think you have seen it all
it surprises you
Every year the story gets better
Every year is more intense
More creepy
More ****** up
Every year you are mind ****** as you sit on the edge of your seat
I know
I sound really insane however
I will not say I am sorry
It is just another year
in American Horror Story

Today is Self-Harm Awareness Day.
Wear orange to show your support.
To Self Harm survivors thank you for being a constant light
in a world that can be so dark.
To those currently struggling with Self Harm
I want you to know that you are more
than just the cuts and scars on your arms.
You are a warrior
and you have so many people including myself
cheering you on.
You will get through this struggle.
I believe in you.
You are greatness who will one day change the world.
Stay strong!
Keep fighting!
You got this!
I love you!
Sending you a million hugs and more!