I need you
I need you to not get angry with me
when I am feeling an emotion you don't understand
I need you to be patient with me
I have no clue what is going on with me
I have no idea why I get so upset for no reason
I need you to not judge me
When I gain the courage to tell you something is bothering me
don't tell me to get over it because I can't
I need you to not yell at me when I am not making sense
yelling at me only scares me and makes me think that I am bothering you therefore I shut down
I need you to hug me
I know all of the advice tips already
sometimes I just need to feel okay instead of being told that I am okay
I need you to listen to me
I don't want to hear about mistakes I am making when I feel like one every **** day
I need you to encourage me
This battle is so lonely
it's scary
it's uncomfortable and I need someone to cheer me on
I need someone to tell me that I am doing alright
I need you to not shut me out
when my anxiety is too intense and I don't have the energy
to express how I truly feel I need you to not walk away
and treat me like I am some disgusting human being you wish you had never met
I need you to reassure me that you are there for me
even though you have no idea how to make me feel better
I need you to not give up on me
I know I am difficult and I am nothing like you wished I would be
but the truth of the matter is I have depression and anxiety
I didn't choose this
Why would I choose this?
I didn't choose the life of racing thoughts,
marks on my skin,
obsessions about things that shouldn't even be an obsessions,
always questioning people's words and actions,
not being able to leave the house without feeling like I want to throw up,
sleepless nights because of **** that happened years ago
I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!
I DO NOT WANT THIS BUT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!
I AM TRYING TO BE NORMAL!
I AM TRYING MY BEST TO BE BETTER BUT I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF!
I NEED YOU!
Please...I need you...

You know that feeling you get sometimes
where it feels like you want to explode?
You feel the need to burst and it's not because you're angry
you just have this sudden creative urge to say something
be it through writing, music, art, photography, etc.
It's the feeling that makes holding a cup of coffee in the morning difficult because your hands are shaking,
it's the feeling you get when you hear a song you really like on the radio and you can't help but dance to it,
or the feeling you get when you see your lover wearing a specific shirt that makes him look so **** and all you want to do is rip his clothes off wherever you are and just break free?
You think you are going crazy but you're not.
That feeling you feel,
that burning, can't sit still, aching need to express yourself
is not a sign of craziness.
That's passion!
When it knocks on the door to your heart you need to let it in,
give into it,
let it guide you,
let it teach you,
let it change you,
let it take you on the best adventure you have ever been on.
If you choose to ignore your passion
it's voice will get louder and louder.
It demands to be heard and it demands to be set free.
Passion is a lot like love.
It finds you when you least expect it,
it fills your heart with happiness
and it changes you for the better.
Do not ever try to quiet your passion.
Embrace it, make love with it, fire it up and let it do it's wonders.
Let it open you up to possibilities you never thought existed.
You were given your passion for a reason.
Do not let fear of failure or the opinions of others have control of it.

She is like the snow
cold yet beautiful
She is like the sun
hot but her smile warms your heart
She is like the rain
sad yet she keeps going despite the heaviness she carries
She is a volcano ready to erupt
not with anger but with passion
She is like a star
invisible yet always there
She is like the wind
annoying yet she blows peoples minds
She is laughter
the kind of laughter that makes it hard to breathe
She is fire
she seems dangerous but has skills most people overlook
She is a dream
the kind of dream you never want to wake up from
She is madness
but she can relate to all kinds of hell
She is strange
yet safe like a strong hug
She is insecure
but she takes risks everyday
She is the song that you listen to on repeat
she is the dreamer everyone wishes they could be
She is perfection in God's eyes
she is me

I honestly believe that whenever I am around people
they are silently wishing for me to go away
I look at their faces as I speak and underneath their smiles
I can see that annoyed look that people get
when they desperately want someone to shut up
When I am alone and away from people
I feel like the ones I love are happier and more alive
I think I drain people
I think the sight of me and the sound of my voice
is equivalent to nails on a chalkboard
Sometimes I imagine how much better off the world would be
without me in it
The thought makes me sad
I don't want to die but I am so tired of feeling like I am upsetting everybody in my life
I feel like a loser
a nobody
I can't express how I feel because people either think I am being ridiculous,
looking for attention
or some other kind of *******
I can't help the way that I feel
I get that on the outside looking in I am difficult to understand
I don't understand myself either
I try so hard to love myself but I can't
Sometimes I think I only try to love myself to please others
It's not that I don't want to love myself
I am incapable of doing so
I guess I am just tired
I'm tired of fighting with my mind
I'm tired of fighting with my self esteem
I am tired of giving my all and getting nothing return
I don't want an award or anything magnificent
It would just be nice for someone to tell me that they like having me around
or that they are proud of me for sticking around despite my constant thoughts telling me to go **** myself
I just want my existence to matter
I don't think that's an awful thing to want

There is a reason we go through the things that we do
There is a reason why we meet the people we meet
Whether we understand those reasons or not
in the end they shape us into who we are
When things go to **** we have two options
We can be victims
or we can be warriors
Who are you going to be?

I have spent so long protecting myself from getting hurt
that I have no idea how to let anyone love me
the way I deserved to be loved.

I have figured out my problem
at least I would like to think that I have
I have an odd obsession with time, age,
and things that have gone wrong in my past
I am so terrified of the past repeating itself
I can't enjoy the present moment
I am so unsure of what I want for my future
so I just sit around worrying about it
I need to understand that I have time to figure things out
I know I am not guaranteed a tomorrow
but I can't spend all of my time stressing
I am twenty-three years old
I can't expect myself to have all of the answers
yet I do
When I remind myself of my age
I feel guilty and angry for not being as far in life
as most people my age are
It is my fault for being where I am
I don't want all of the normal things most people want
I want to travel and see the world
not stay stuck at home raising babies
I made a promise to myself a long time ago
that I wouldn't be like everyone else
I wasn't going to allow myself to feel stupid
for wanting other things people think are impossible
I broke that promise
by breaking that promise I allowed myself
to open the door to a past I was
trying so hard not to repeat
I let my depression get the best of me
I let other people's doubts come between me and my dreams
I looked through the eyes of someone who never dared to dream
and I died
At least I thought that I had died
I stopped believing in things that
only happen in movies and I was miserable
Maybe I am crazy and immature to believe in such silly things
at least I believe in something
The world through my eyes may look silly
but at least I have a reason to get out of bed every morning

Writing gets way more personal
Imagination moves at full speed
No anxiety
Every part of my body feels like it is in a jacuzzi

Caramel Macchiato flavor
Overwhelming feelings are at a standstill
Family is more tolerable
Friends are more entertaining
Early mornings are the best time to be outside
Enjoying the sunrise

Problems find solutions
Off days turn out to be the biggest blessings
Eerie thoughts are heard
Time does not exist
Raw and unfiltered
You learn a little more about yourself with each poem that you write

It's three in the morning
I have to ***
I go ***
I go back to bed
I am wide awake now
I'll play my Inside Out game on my phone
I used up all of my lives
I have to wait for them to reload

It's four in the morning
I am still wide awake
I'll read random status updates on facebook
I come across a woman I met once or twice back in high school
she's married and has two boys under the age of three
WOW!
She's two years younger than me
and she already has so much to show for it
What about me?
I am twenty-three and I don't even own a car
how embarrassing
I need to distract myself
Another profile of someone my age who is far in life
she is really pretty too
How come at twenty-three I look so old but this woman looks sixteen?
She is thin too
How come the only time I come close to being thin
is when I have an eating disorder
GOD LOOK AT HER TEETH!
How come she was blessed with straight teeth and I wasn't?
Why was I made to be an ugly duckling?
I feel depressed now

It is five in the morning
I'll go back to sleep
I lie down
I close my eyes
I cuddle close to my boyfriend hoping the touch of him
will make me feel better
He went to dinner last night with his family
he said he was broke and couldn't pay for dinner
but they told him it was no problem
His sister made a comment about my facebook posting
she knows what her brother is up to
because I post about every part of our day
What we do, what we watch, what we eat
WAIT!
How can he afford to buy me wine
but not be able to pay for dinner with his family?
They're probably thinking he's lying
Now they're going to be mad at him and its all my fault
Why do I post so much on facebook?
The world doesn't care about what I eat for breakfast
The world doesn't care about my "deep thoughts"

It's five-thirty in the morning
I posted a throwback picture of my 22nd birthday yesterday
That was a good day
Balloons, pizza, cake
One of my gifts was a laptop
The soul purpose of that gift was so I can skype with an ex
who was away at college
He never called that day to wish me a happy birthday
he claimed he forgot about it
How do you forget the birthday of the one you claim to love?
Am I that easy to forget?
I remembered everything about him
I knew the name of every medication
he took on a daily basis for his bipolar disorder
but he couldn't remember my birthday?
This is the same person who ditched me at prom
for a party two months prior
I was silly for thinking he could be considerate for one day
WAIT!
This was three years ago
WHY DOPES THIS EVEN MATTER???!!!!
My head hurts
I am tired
I am depressed
I can't stop thinking

It is six in the morning
I need to get up now

That's the thing though. I don't give a flying **** about what other people think about me. I refuse to waste any more time giving pleasure to those who live to see me fail. I am well aware I am a chaotic, mentally ill, obsessed with words, etc. but at the end of the day I wouldn't live my life any other way.

Five years ago I fell in love

I met a man with blondish hair,
blue/green eyes
and a smile that could make any human heart race like crazy
I had no idea that man I met would come into my life and stay

Four years ago I fell in love

I developed a crush on the same man I met
but his heart was taken by another woman
I had it set into my mind that because of this
I would never get the chance to be with him
Little did I know that fate had other plans

Three years ago I fell in love

This man and I became the best of friends
We have long conversations about topics most people in the world choose to ignore
We laugh all of the time
and when something good happens in my life
he is the first person I want to tell

Two years ago I fell in love

This man told me a secret
one that would only make me fall for him even more
I found that I could trust him with things
that I never had the courage to share with other people
I started to get to know this man on a deeper level
and I saw a side of him that made me want to do nothing but kiss him

One year ago I fell in love

My feelings for this man were getting stronger
It was to the point I couldn't be in the same room with him
without wanting to pour my heart out to him
My fear of rejection and opening up my heart
after being hurt so many times was beginning to cause conflict
I wanted to take the risk
but I was stuck

Four months ago I fell in love

I couldn't hold back any longer
so I told that man how I felt
When he confessed that he felt the same way
all of the fear I was carrying vanished
I felt free

This morning I fell in love

I am looking at the man I fell in love with five years ago
and it still feels like I am looking at him for the first time
Every minute spent with him is a blessing
Every day I get to kiss him and hug him
is another day I get to spend being grateful that this man
is a man who has chosen to love me
This man broke down all of my walls with a simple "hello"

This very minute I am falling in love
and in a second I will be falling in love all over again

It is so hard to grow into a better person
when I have so many people reminding me
of who I used to be.
Three years ago I was sad,
obsessed with my weight,
lonely,
bitter,
angry,
terrified
and withdrawn.
I was a lot of things I wish I never was.
It's hard being in a good mood after you hit rock bottom
when you have no idea of who you truly are,
when you're basically lost it is not easy to be happy,
social,
open,
confident
and kind.
I have worked really hard to be comfortable with who I am.
I feel a change within myself that has brought me true peace.
The kind of peace you read about in motivational quotes
all over the internet.
I don't want to stay in bed sleeping my life away anymore,
I don't want to feel guilty for eating a sandwich,
I don't want to be uncomfortable around people,
I don't want to be cold hearted,
upset all of the time,
held back,
defensive,
rude and closed off from the world.
I want to be free from those things,
I want to feel good in my skin,
I want to be embraced for who I am now
not for the person that I used to be.
You have no idea how challenging it is to change
after engaging in certain habits for so long.
Do not be afraid of who I am becoming
be proud of me
I may not like to admit it
but I need you now more than ever.

I am looking forward to the day
when I will stop being judged
just for breathing.

To quit writing would
be like going through a breakup
I could never recover from.

She put the cap on her pen
placed the bookmark in her journal
She packed away years of poetry into boxes
and left them on the floor of her closet
She covered her desk with a black blanket
so she never had to be reminded
that the one thing she ever loved more than anything in this world
was now dead.

It's four in the morning
yet here I am wide awake
thinking of all the reasons why I
am a *******.
Out of all the bad habits that need to be broken
this one I can never seem to shake.
What the **** is wrong with me?

To my poor damaged heart
I'm sorry that you feel things so deeply
Every time you see a person in pain
you become so weak that it makes your job of keeping me alive so much more stressful
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you tried to warn me about that ******* back when I was eighteen
Instead I ignored you and allowed him to break you into pieces with an emotional hammer
I'm sorry that I kept you in a box for three years
when all you wanted was to be felt,
to be heard,
to be given the freedom to beat so loud
the world couldn't help but stop and listen to what you had to say
I'm sorry for not giving you the time you needed to heal properly
when every man you trusted bruised you with words
that still bring tears to my eyes when I am left alone with my thoughts for too long
I am sorry that I tossed you at the first person I thought could save me
when it was me who had the ability to save myself all along
Most importantly I am so sorry that now that I have set you free from your box you are too damaged to do all of the things you wanted to do for a long time
You're so terrified of being handled with any kind of care because you fear you won't survive the next time someone gets tired of me and decides to drop you as you shatter to pieces on the floor
I am so sorry for being a disappointment
and not taking better care of you
My poor damaged heart
I am sorry
I am so so sorry


I blamed some of my past personal pain on people when in reality I was the cause of some of the pain I went through. I made certain choices that forced me to face serious consequences. It's true that people have hurt me but I also hurt myself by letting my pain have control over my life. I kept punishing myself for so long over things that happened years ago. I am learning to forgive myself. It's not easy but I think it's time I allowed myself to be happy again.

I can't walk up to a stranger and introduce myself
without feeling out of my skin
I can't be surrounded by family
without feeling my world caving in
I can't text a person without feeling like I am bothering them
I can't open up to people
without worrying I am too weird for them
I am not putting on a show
or making up excuses
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder
yes it is a real illness

I don't want to get up today
Why make the bed when I know I will just mess it up later?
I just want to stay in the dark because I don't want the world to see me
COFFEE! I NEED COFFEE NOW!
I hope my shower washes away all of the uncomfortable feelings I am feeling right now
Taylor Swift always makes everything better
These jeans make my *** look big
My hair is so frizzy I wish I looked cute bald
Lipstick doesn't cure ugly but I can dream right?
I wish I could physically jump into the book I am currently reading
I don't want to go outside
I feel sick
This grocery store is making me claustrophobic
I can't figure out where anything goes
My head is full of chaos
WRITING HELPS!
I can't wait until my boyfriend comes home from work
Doing the dishes is so therapeutic
SERIOUSLY! IT'S THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE DO I NEED TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK NOW!!!????
I can't sit still
Something is wrong
I wonder if he thinks I'm fat
I need to eat slow
I hope this wine doesn't turn me into an alcoholic
I wonder if I annoy my boyfriend
I feel so **** and fat at the same time
WHY CAN'T I JUST ENJOY THIS ICE CREAM?!
It feels so good to laugh
Don't stop
BEDTIME! I'M DRAINED!
I wonder if he wants to break up with me
I can't sleep
Anxiety won't let me

Time to get up
Make the bed
Let some sun shine through a window
Make some coffee
Take a shower as Taylor Swift plays on the stereo
Put on some jeans
Comb my hair
Put some lipstick on my lips
Read a chapter from a novel then run some errands
so my breakfast doesn't stick to my hips
Buy some groceries
Put them away
Write some poems until the boyfriend comes home
Wash some dishes
Watch a movie
Do anything that distracts me from feeling alone
Eat dinner
Have some wine
Cuddle and kiss babe on the couch
Eat some ice cream wearing nothing but his t-shirt
while I laugh to the point my cheeks hurt
It's 11:00 pm now
Time for bed
I lie down as his arms wrap around me
I let myself drift away
praying I don't get woken up by my anxiety

He whispered into my ear "I want to make love to you"
I opened my eyes
I noticed the clock said 5:13 am
I rolled over to face him and his arms wrapped around me
causing goosebumps to form on every inch of my body
His right hand touched my face as he kissed me
his tongue dancing perfectly with mine
Before I knew it we were making love
It wasn't the kind of love making you seen in the movies
It was gentle, slow and passionate
Every move he made forced me to hold back a moan
I swear would take away my voice if I let it out
I dug my nails into his back
as if I was holding on for dear life
The only noise between us were our heartbeats pounding
everything else faded away
I felt him come into me
and a part of me fell deeper in love when I looked into his eyes
There was so much love in them
it was impossible to look away
He moved my bangs from my forehead and kissed me
leaving me wanting him all over again

I would just like to take a moment to celebrate my brother Ty. Despite the ******* life throws his way he always manages to get out of bed and get **** done. Whenever I speak to him it doesn't feel like I am talking to a 21 year old young man. I feel like I am talking to a very wise soul. A soul who even though speaks very little words, his heart is revealed through his actions. He may make mistakes just like all human beings do but when I need a hug from my baby brother I know that I will never be denied the opportunity to cry on his shoulder. I love you Ty Andrew. When you are 80 years old whenever I look at you I will still see you as the tiny blue eyed two year old asking me to help him steal cookies from Mom's cookie jar. I am proud of you. You are a great brother and a wonderful Father. Do not let anyone tell you differently.

You ever come across a picture on social media of a woman who is so beautiful that just the sight of her makes you physically sick because you know that no matter what you do to yourself you will never, in this lifetime, be as beautiful as her?

Then you just sit and think of everything wrong with you until you are in such a depressed mood you can't even look at yourself in the mirror because you are so disgusted with what you see.

Then you feel bad because you're thinking "this is wrong. This girl can't help that she's beautiful so why do I feel like I need to ***** when I see her picture?"

Then you start to get mad at yourself because you are being so selfish because you should feel beautiful in your own skin but because of some unrealistic expectation that you put on yourself you can't help but beat yourself up.

So now you have all of these thoughts going on at once and eventually you get so overwhelmed that anxiety takes over and now you feel like you are going to have a heart attack, all because of a beautiful stranger that not only doesn't even know you exist, but is probably photoshopped to the max because for all you know she may feel the same way you do.

So now you feel stupid, ashamed, embarrassed and your day is now ****** and the sun hasn't even risen yet.

Am I the only one that goes through this?

I was on a beach
The sky was grey yet no rain was in sight
There were seven other people on the beach with me
each one minding their own business
I was sitting in the sand
allowing my hands and feet to soak up the warmth the sand provided
I looked out into the ocean and noticed the water start to tremble
The trembling now reached the shore
and I felt myself tremble as well
It felt like an earthquake
The seven people began running off of the beach
I just sat there clueless to what was happening
All of a sudden I heard screams
I turned to my right and watched half of the beach fall away
taking the seven people with it
I stood up to run but I was forced to stop
as the remainder of the beach fell away
leaving me stranded on a giant cliff
There was nothing but water below me
with icebergs clinking against each other
The cliff I was standing on slowly began to crumble beneath my feet
I had no where to go
there was nothing I could do
Finally the rest of the cliff fell taking me with it
I fell in slow motion
I attempted to scream but I was silenced
when I let go of the possibility of surviving this nightmare
I landed in the water
my head hitting the corner of an iceberg
I floated in the ocean
as blood poured from the **** on my head

Let's pour ourselves a glass of wine
and make a toast to the craziest people we know
The ones who hear constant voices
yet continue on with their lives as if everything is normal
Let's toast the ones with multiple personalities
as society labels them as dangerous
Let's raise a glass to the ones with PTSD
may they stop reliving their awful pasts
Here's to the ones with scars on their arms
from trying to free themselves from emotional pain
To the ones with eating disorders
may you stop putting so much pressure on yourselves to be pretty
To the ones who can't leave the house
without feeling a tightness in your chests
May you find the strength to make anxiety your *****
so you can put your personal chaos to rest
Here's a toast to the ones who never give up
despite the struggles you face everyday
Even though people call you names and shame you
you always find reasons to smile even for just a little while
May you always remain strong
and be a light for those who are just stepping into your shoes
To those of who are currently in recovery
may I say I am so ******* proud of you for making it this far
CHEERS!!!

I don't mind that you have a mental illness
It doesn't bother me that you have to hold on tight to my hands
whenever you feel like you are drowning
It doesn't annoy me that we can't go to certain places for dates
because your stomach ties in knots unexpectedly
It doesn't irritate me that you get stressed out
when it's really hot outside
It doesn't make me mad when you have to miss work
because anxiety makes you physically sick
Your anxiety doesn't make me love you any less
it's the opposite actually
I am in love with you deeply
I don't care that you have anxiety
Hold onto me for as long as you need to
I don't mind
We don't have to go anywhere special
as long as you are okay then I am just fine
I hate the heat too
so let's be stressed together
I am here for the long haul
your anxiety does not scare me

Take me to the beach
Let me feel the sand between my toes
Let me sit and fall apart
about all of the things I can never talk about out loud
Let me write my name in the sand as if it will make a difference
then watch it disappear without a trace
Let me swim in the ocean
Let me tie something heavy to my ankle so I can drown
as all of my baggage that I used to carry
suddenly floats away with my last gasp for air
Let the sharks eat away at the parts of my body
that I always find disgusting when I look into the mirror
Let the sunset carry my soul to heaven
where I can finally be at peace without the emotional torment
that always weighs me down
Let the pages in my journal fly with the wind
to be ripped to shreds like my life
that never mattered anyways

I don't know what I'm doing
I am so far out of my comfort zone
I have no idea how to handle what I'm feeling
I just want to go home
and be away from the world
I want to shut off my electronics
and let the world believe that I am dead
I apologize for being weird
I apologize for being myself
It has been so long since I have let anyone in
I don't know what to do with myself
I want to run away
that is exactly what my mind is telling me to do
I don't want to do that
I don't want my anxiety to win
I feel so out of my element
I wish I could feel better
I need to stop doing whatever it is that I am doing
that seems to be upsetting everybody

I am at my wit's end
I just want to shut down and hide from the entire world
I can't continue ******* people off
I can't keep talking about my problems
to sort out emotions as I feel them
I can't keep reaching out to people
who have their lives on track
It's not fair for me to cause stress for other people
I can't even describe how I feel anymore
It's more than depression
It's worse than anxiety
It's something unknown
It isolates me
It confuses the **** out of me
It causes me to feel out of my skin
to the point I want to rip myself apart
I don't want to discuss it
I don't want to see a doctor for it
I just want it to go away
The possibility of me being dead by thirty does not surprise me
I am starting to understand the peace those suicide "experts" talk about
The peace
when you make the choice to die
how all of your emotional turmoil just disappears
Maybe I am becoming suicidal again
I don't know
I am so through with thinking
I don't want to die
but I can't keep living a life full of dead ends

I understand what it's like to be in your shoes
I totally get feeling like an outcast to society
You can't walk anywhere without being judged
For as long as you could remember you knew you were different
you just never imagined yourself to be as ******* up as you are
Some days are so unbearable you just want to end it all
you're sick of talking about it
you're sick of trying to distract yourself from the way it makes you feel
Suicide seems like a good answer
yet you can't bring yourself to do it
Why is that?
If we are so unhappy here, then why do we choose to stay?
Why not end the suffering?
It's that tiny flicker of possibility
that keeps us from making the worst choice we could ever make
That flicker that says "Wait! Just wait a little while longer!
Something good is bound to happen!
I just know it!
Don't give up yet!"
Don't deny ever feeling that flicker
If you have never felt it then you wouldn't be here right now
If you want something badly enough
you would go after it
Despite your endless emotional pain
there is something else entirely different
waiting to erupt from inside of you
I don't know what that is
only you can answer that question
Whatever it is though
you need to grab it and do something with it
Forget what the world thinks
Imagine all of the things you could do
if there wasn't an outside world telling you
that you couldn't be who you want to be
There is always going to be someone
who tells you that you are not great enough
Tell that person to "*******" and keep going
Who knows you could be writing that persons checks one day


I want to thank my boyfriend Chris for not only inspiring this poem but for always encouraging me to dream big despite what the world thinks. I love you!

I am so tired of being depressed
I don't want to complain to people
about how sad I get sometimes
They don't care
They have their own problems
They don't give a **** about mine
Sometimes it is impossible to leave the house
because the anxiety that comes from being sad
is too much for me to handle
I get so frustrated because it's bad enough I get so sad
to the point that I want to end my life
I hate walking around with the feeling like I am constantly being suffocated
When the sadness and anxiety get to be too much
I just want to give up on myself
I am so exhausted
Do you have any idea what it's like to fight something
that you cannot see?
The criticism from ordinary people with ordinary problems
are so mean
especially when those ordinary people are family members
I look into the mirror sometimes and I am just disgusted
I can see in my eyes all of the emotional ******* I carry
it is enough to make me physically sick
I just want to bury myself in some blankets
and never wake up
I can't even sleep because the stress of my anxiety
likes to keep me awake
I am so angry now
I do not want to ******* deal with this
I am tired
I feel like I am losing my mind
because my head hurts so much
I don't know what the **** to do
I just want to be normal
I want to be a normal woman
with normal emotions,
normal thoughts,
a normal sleep pattern,
normal self esteem,
normal everything!

I am so irritated that even the wind currently blowing outside
makes me want to shoot myself in the face
I can't tell anyone how I feel because they will worry
I don't want people to worry
I want people to tell me I will be okay
because right now I do not feel okay
I feel scared
I feel tired
and I don't know what to do

It is a learning process for me
I am not used to being heard when I need to vent
I am not used to being stopped and kissed unexpectedly
in the middle of the day
I am not used to being put first
I have no idea what it is like to be adored
to the point I am on the verge of tears
I do not know what it feels like to be half naked
and feel comfortable in my skin
I do not know what it is like to be loved by a man

When you spend so long being mistreated
disrespect is what you expect from everyone
I am teaching myself to expect the opposite
It is not easy when my anxiety is always in my ear
whispering all kinds of negative garbage but
I am learning
I am accepting the fact that someone loves me completely
I am facing the fact that someone wants to love me
and most importantly
I am learning to accept that I deserve to be loved so deeply
I am breaking the habit of thinking I deserve to be treated any less

You miss out on so much when you do not take the time to read anything. Sometimes the things your soul really needs to hear are right in front of you. You just won't make the effort to find it and read it.

It makes me so sad when people do not have the courage to dream big. I get that life is not a fairy tale. Life is nothing like the television shows you watch and I understand that life is full of ups, downs, disappointments, heartache, etc. but you have to have something to believe in. You need to find the courage to dream. I cannot stand it when people ask me about my life and the goals I want to reach and when I give them my answer all they can do is wince and tell me to focus on something else. For example: I want to get out of the town I am currently living in. I do not like where I'm at. I would love to be in a bigger city in another state with cooler weather and when I tell someone that, their response is "Well you need to just make the most of where your at. No matter where you go life's challenges are everywhere." What is wrong with me wanting to live in New York, L.A., Seattle hell even London? Do you not think I can live there? I know it cost money to live in places like that but I believe I can have the life I want with hard work, dedication, faith and confidence that I can do it. I understand that things take time and I am not expecting my life to change over night. I may be a dreamer but I also know to pay attention to reality too. I do not appreciate people putting limits on my dreams. I have every right to be bitter and choose not to believe in anything but I will not live like that. I cannot live my life in doubt. I cannot live my life thinking that life is always going to be ****** because my circumstances right now might not be so great. I do not have time to be sad, angry and crushed. I will not be ashamed for dreaming big. I will not put limitations on my dreams. I think I am capable of doing a lot in the world and what I want will not come easy but I have been through hell and back before. Guess what? I am still standing and I think having something to believe in played a huge part when it came to battling past, present and whatever future demons might come knocking on my door. Do not put limitations on my dreams just because you put limitations on yours.

I realized that I love him one random night

We were lying in his bed
my arm wrapped around him
as his hand held mine tightly
I could hear him breathing
I was almost asleep
when the words came out of my mouth in a whisper
"I love you Christopher"
I felt my heart pace
I was sure I was about to have an anxiety attack
until I whispered the words again
"I love you Christopher"
All of the fears that once prevented me
from living the life I wanted suddenly disappeared
All of my insecurities were now burning
in a pit of fire
All of my anxiety melted away
The walls I had built around myself fell down
The chains I wore around my emotional state of mine
just broke free
I began to breathe in air that was just new to me
It was shocking
but exhilarating all at once
I asked myself "Is this real?
Am I really feeling this way?
Do I really love this man?"

I do love him
It sounds so cliche but it's true
Looking at him is like watching a beautiful sunset
at the end of a Summer day
Kissing him is like watching fireworks
on New Years Eve
Holding his hand is like that first sip of coffee in the morning
Hearing him laugh is like running through an endless field of roses
It's beautiful
He is beautiful
The way he makes me feel is so intense
I am convinced it might **** me
Yet I want to feel
I want to feel everything this man causes me to feel
I want to embrace every emotion
I want to soak it all in
I want to breathe it
Sing it
Live it
Allow it to change my life
and brighten up my world
He has renewed my belief in love
he has taught me that I am worthy of love
he has me seeing things from a different perspective

Christopher I love you
I know it may be too soon to hear those words
I would freak out if you spoke those words back to me
but I do love you
I have loved you for a long while
I was too frightened to let myself it

I feel so much pressure
to be at certain places in my life
I am a dreamer
I like to think of the future
but I don't like to stress about it
Fear is a horrible thing to carry around with you
fear prevents you from having any kind of personal peace
Without personal peace
you leave yourself exposed to every negative thing
Negativity can ******* up
so you have to be careful
I just want to live my life
I want to do what I have to do to be a functioning adult
and also not want waste my free time
worrying about things I have no control over
Worrying is not fun
I am not one of those people who does something
because someone thinks I should
I have never been one to follow the crowd
I sure as hell am not going to start now

I hate it when my parents fight
they have been doing it my whole life
Sometimes their arguments don't even make sense
I personally think they get off by fighting
If that is true
I don't understand why people do that
I hate fighting
The very idea of it
stresses me out to the point my stomach feels like
it is in flames
No one seems to care how much the drama stresses me out
How am I supposed to show my face for family fun
when I am dreading the social interaction
I don't want to be uncomfortable around my parents
yet I am sometimes
I could ignore how I feel
but that would cause me to emotionally shut down
Which in turn awakens the constant chaos that already corrupts my mind
I feel like I can't breathe now

"Do you like me?"
was the question I asked you
We were sitting on my bed watching television
and I just had to know the answer to that question
I was so scared to hear your response
I thought you would say "no"
Instead you said "yes"
which made my heart hopeful
I have liked you for quite some time
I never imagined you ever liking me back
I am so used to being rejected
I was sure I would never have a shot with you
It still takes me by surprise that you are my boyfriend
It's all that I think about when we are on a date
Feeling your hand in mine is so surreal
it feels like a kiss from fate
I really enjoy your company
you leave butterflies in my tummy
Your kisses are like that first bite of cheesecake
your hugs are sweeter than honey
I am so blessed to call you mine
you make me so happy
My only hope is that I make you happy too

I was sitting next to him on his couch
watching a television show known as "Family Guy"
A commercial began to play so I decided
to look at him and stare into his eyes
He was quietly scrolling through his phone
unaware of what I was doing
He looked up and asked me what was wrong
and I had no answer to give him
I was speechless
for a moment it felt like the world stood still
Time was eternity
and I could feel myself tearing up
I watched his fingers touch his beard
as his eyes lit up like fireworks
I watched his lips as they formed little smiles
and my heart began to go crazy
He is so beautiful
I know that's strange to say since he is a guy
but he is
He is like a painting
you never want to stop admiring
He is a song you want to put on repeat
and dance to all night long
He is a story in a book you can't finish
because you never want the story to end
He is a dream you never want to wake up from
He is probably sitting there thinking I am crazy
I would be thinking the same thing
If only he could see himself through my eyes
maybe he would think differently

The other day I told my boyfriend I wanted to hurt myself
It was just one of those days where I was really depressed
and I felt like I couldn't handle how I was feeling without
causing physical harm to myself
He stopped what he was doing and held me as I cried for twenty minutes
He never once told me to get over myself
to stop being dramatic or anything like that
He just held me
He listened to me
He took time to try to make me feel better
To be emotionally vulnerable and to be accepted without judgement
was a feeling I have never felt before
It was very liberating
It made me feel closer to my boyfriend in a way
*** could never do

I'm not sure how to explain it
I can't even put it on paper
The man I like is heaven on earth
he is absolutely wonderful
I have wished for someone like him
for the past three years now
He is like a character from a book
that always steals your heart somehow
I lie in bed on nights like tonight
wondering how I got so lucky
A part of me feels like I'm in a dream
so I pinch myself repeatedly
He isn't a dream though
he is as real as the moon in the sky
He is Christmas, rain and England all wrapped into one
and I'm proud to call him mine

Sometimes I get so depressed
that I don't have the energy to pick up and write
Writing is everything to me
It is what has saved me so many times in the past
It is the one thing I turn to when I feel like I am drowning
in my unpredictable sadness
It scares me when the one thing that seems to always save me
is the one thing that I want nothing to do with
when I am at my absolute lowest
That is how I know I am more than just sad
I am in danger of losing my life
That's not easy to confess on paper
or to someone in person

I want to try to understand
why I am so impossible for you to love?
What did I do to make you dislike me so much?
I know I am not the only child you have so
I'm not trying to play victim here
I am the only child though who tried to get to know you
because I needed closure
As a little girl you were supposed to be my protector
instead you were an alcoholic monster
You would rather spend your nights at the bar
only to come home and beat the **** out of my mother
As a kid I needed someone to lean on
when other kids at school bullied me to the point I was starving myself
at eight years old
You were in jail paying for your sins
because the first arrest didn't mean **** to you
As a teenager I needed a man to look up to
I needed someone to show me how a lady should be treated
I got with ******* because my role model was just that
an ******* and the one who stepped up
to fill your shoes wasn't that great of a role model either
I risked every relationship I had with my family
including my mother
so I could try to find closure for the emotional wounds
that just could never seem to heal
In the end I was disappointed
I was called a ******* because I moved an ash tray in the basement
or called a huge **** up for falling asleep with the television on
The only great memories I have of you are smoking cigarettes with you
The only reason I picked up the habit was so I had a way to deal
with all of the anxiety I felt whenever I thought of you
Your Mother wasn't that great of a role model either
she was like Satan in every way possible
I couldn't even breathe around her
without her telling me how much she hated me
I moved away from you because I felt unwanted
It was bad enough I felt like a mistake to the rest of the world
I didn't need to feel that way around you
A week after no contact you call me to tell me you love me
you apologize to me telling me you are sorry for the way you treated me
So I forgave you
because that is what daughters do
Only to get a e-mail months later
telling me how much of a **** I am to you
So I let you go
I drop contact completely only to be dragged into court
four years later to find out that you stole my identity
SERIOUSLY??????
WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH??????
I NEED ANSWERS!
I NEED SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH!
I AM TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD
I AM TOO OLD FOR DADDY ISSUES
I AM SO TERRIFIED TO LET MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND LOVE ME
BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE ****** UP **** YOU DID TO ME
I TRUSTED YOU, I NEEDED YOU
I CUT MYSELF SO I COULD FEEL ANYTHING BUT THE REJECTION YOU CAUSED ME TO FEEL WHEN MOM FILED FOR CHILD SUPPORT
Did you know I tried to **** myself in your basement after that note you left on the kitchen table?
I tried to **** myself with pills but guess what I CAN'T EVEN **** MYSELF RIGHT EITHER!
What scares me the most is that despite all of the *******
I still love you
I don't have it in my heart to hate you because hate kills you
Hate is ugly and I refuse to carry that around and let it ruin my life
I am never going to have the Father that I want
I've accepted that now
I have no problem doing your job and giving myself the support
and closure I need to move on with my life
A part of me will always ache because a part of me will always want a relationship with you
but I can't let you into my life
I can't take being called a **** up again
I fear the next time I hear those words I will end up killing myself
I've come too far for that
I deserve better, Dad
even if you don't think so

You have no idea
how much joy you bring into my life
Every time I am around you
I feel more and more alive
You make me giggle with a simple stare
your blue eyes are just gorgeous
When I hear your voice my heart does jumping jacks
and all I want to do is kiss your lips
You have a positive affect on me
you make me want to be a better person
You listen to me when I speak
you are there to comfort me when I am hurting
You make me feel so comfortable in my skin
I feel so pretty when you're around
You have a way of making the world shine beautifully
when my depression has me down
You're the sun that radiates through me
You're the waves in the ocean
You're my endless adventure
that makes me want to be closer to you
You set me free in a way no man has ever done before
You're the sparkle in my eyes
You're the inspiration behind this poem

Being with him is different
from any man I have ever dated before
He gives me the courage to face my demons head on
instead of allowing them to eat away at me for days on end
When he touches me I don't flinch
I feel so safe around him that when I need to break down and cry
instead of going home to cry alone in my bedroom
and risk becoming a victim to my unhealthy thoughts
I go to him
He doesn't turn me away
He holds me tightly and listens to me as I speak
although I don't make any sense when I am upset but
he gets me
He gets me in a way no other human being on earth has before
It sounds hard to believe but
I honestly feel like the Lord made him just for me
I believe that when the Lord created him years ago
he kept me in mind as if he knew I would need him one day
Being with him is like coming up for air
after drowning for so long
Being with him is like Wisconsin on a snowy day
but instead of freezing we just run and play
Kissing him is like a dream you never want to wake up from
When he looks at me I can feel his love for me
At night when he holds me I can feel my heart
dance along to his
He's like magic
He's like the fall to Wonderland without the emotional pain
and frustration
He is everything I wished for
He is everything I have ever read about in books
He is everything I have ever wanted
I have finally found him
I finally found my soulmate

I am someone who loves to believe in impossible things.
Thank you to those for loving that part of my personality
and bringing me to life
instead of trying to bury me alive with hate.

I woke up in the middle of the night
with my phone going off like crazy
I sat up in my bed and answered
still sounding a bit hazy
It took me a minute to recognize the voice
on the other end of the line
When it hit me as to who was speaking
I almost started to cry
It was the man I gave my heart to a long time ago
I never thought we would speak again
We haven't spoken in four years
even though we promised to remain friends
I sat in silence for a minute
unsure of what to say
He cleared his throat then spoke
and my heart began to race away
All he said was that he was sorry
then it was silence again
I asked what he was sorry for
he took in a deep breath and said
"I'm sorry for realizing too late
how much you mean to me
I love you, I want to be with you
I was just too before stubborn to admit that."
He said he had to go
so he hung up the phone
I sat with quiet tears running down my cheeks
hoping not to wake my husband sleeping next to me

It was as if my whole world stopped
Who I was in a past life perished
and a whole new me was born
It's incredible how one tiny little human being
can have such an impact on one's soul.


Dedicated to Annaleah Grace. My niece. My world. The one who taught me that the child inside of us all never really dies.

Another argument
Another day walking on eggshells
Another night of being alone
Another beating
Another lesson on what a ******* I am
Another punishment for not buying the right brand of ***** you like
More black eyes
More cuts and bruises from fighting you off
More afternoons being thrown on the floor and kicked
Being knocked out unconscious because I didn't feel like having *** with you
Being called a ***** every five minutes
Being covered in freshly brewed coffee
so you could hear me scream in agony
Another tooth knocked out
Another day of my life being threatened
Another night lying next to a monster
wishing I was dead

2:13 PM

A school shooting took place
He was angry at the world
for the constant rejection that he faced
He was sick of the jocks pushing him up against lockers
and girls only wanting him for just ***
He was sick of his mother always lecturing him about taking his meds
it made him want to wring her neck

His girlfriend broke up with him two weeks prior
over a text message one morning
Being dropped like a piece of garbage
made him even more angry at everybody
He thought he could control himself
if he spent a few days home from school
It was there he found a way to get attention
he found a way to be cool

He stole his dad's semi-automatic rifle
went to school as if everything was okay
Once there he snapped
and began to fire away

2:13 PM

A school shooting took place
He felt sorry for what he did
he shook as he paced
He was sick of the constant voices in his head
that made him turn into someone else

At 2:14 PM

he turned the gun onto himself