Can you feel my heartbeat?
That's you
Every time you walk into a room
my heart starts dancing
Whenever I see you sad
my heart erupts with panic and all I want to do
is take that sadness away from you
When I run into you at the grocery store
you make it a point to ask about my day
I look at you in disbelief
how can someone so perfect make me feel this way
Before I even knew you
your presence had a huge affect on me
Your face shows up in my dreams
making it impossible to breathe
I want you to feel my heartbeat
it beats so clear but you don't have a clue
That every minute of everyday
my heart beats just for you

I gave you all that I could
I have nothing left to give you
I was faithful during our whole relationship
and you betrayed us by cheating on me
You promised me that you wouldn't hurt me
that rainy day in New York
Yet you did now I am more ****** up
than I ever was before
You said that you were different
but you lied
You used me to get me into bed
then you tossed me to the side
Now you want my forgiveness
after the ***** you left me for dumped your ***
You must be out of your mind
I am not that stupid
We are done
Completely done
You ******* up any chance of being with me
Don't call me
Don't write me
Don't come near me
Thank you for exposing your true colors
you pathetic Prince Charming wannabe

We have one hour to spend together before you leave
let's make this hour worthwhile
Let's say all of the things we used to be afraid to say
without paying attention to the clock's ticking dials
Let's lie in each other's arms
reminiscing about the day we met
Let's be open and vulnerable until we cry
not giving a **** if our faces get wet
Let's hold each other close until the moment we say goodbye
comes to destroy our lives
If you only had one more hour to spend with the one you love
how would you spend your time?

He likes hot chocolate
I like lattes
He loves Netflix on Fridays
and I love kisses on Sundays
I wonder what he thinks
when he's sipping his drink
I know what I'm thinking about
I'm thinking he's perfect for me

You're the first person to ever calm the chaos
that corrupts my mind daily
Your touch clears away my anxiety
Your laughter eases my depression
Your smile eases my racing thoughts
Your presence alone scares away all of my demons

He doesn't allow me to pay for dinner
that is something I have to get used to
He tells me I am beautiful every chance he gets
that is another thing I have to get used to
He always texts me back first chance he gets
he always picks up the phone when I call
When I have an anxiety attack he doesn't get frustrated
he holds me and reminds me that I am not alone
He shares poetic things to my wall on Facebook
because he knows how much I love poetry
He watches me as I write
he says he finds my passion interesting
He lets me pick the music in his car
since he knows music calms me down
He always holds my hand when we are sitting together
and cuddles me when we're lying down
He is the type of man who will spend Friday nights
watching Netflix while eating pizza
He is the type that will listen to you
as you go on and on about absolutely nothing
He is the kind of man who won't play with your heart
he will keep it safe right next to his
He is what every woman is looking for in a man
he is my boyfriend and I adore him

You have been gone for three years now
so much has changed
It feels like everything fell apart once you died
Your death still gets to me
My heart breaks whenever I think of you
Hearing your name brings tears to my eyes sometimes
I feel so much guilt
for never fixing whatever it was that got us to fight so much
It wasn't anything you did
It was me
I was a teenager so angry at the world
I pushed away everyone including my best friend
I feel like such a hypocrite for missing you
I don't feel like I deserve to miss you
after the way I treated you the last time I saw you in person
I told you to *******
I was angry that you were back on drugs again
I wanted the guy who used to laugh with me in church
I wanted the person you used to be
I wanted the person you were back when we were eight years old
just being kids
I wanted life to go back to the way it was
before puberty, love and drugs ****** everything up
Maybe I was mad at myself for wishing for such a ridiculous thing
Maybe I was just a selfish little *****
who only gave a **** about her boyfriend at the time
On nights like tonight I just sit here and cry
because I miss you
I miss you so much I feel like I am slowly dying
Since your death I keep everyone at arms length
I am so scared I will forget your existence
if I allow myself to get too close to anybody
I really hope you knew how much I loved you
I really hope you knew how much I cared for you
even when I was mad at you
I am sorry for how I treated you the last time I saw you
Please forgive me

He looked at her with a smile in his eyes
and it was in that very moment
he realized that she was the one.

I spoke to Derek Sanders from Mayday parade on the phone last night.
It was a dream come true.

As soon as you see someone smiling
you have to turn their smile into a frown
If someone is getting recognition at a party
you have to steal their spotlight and bring them down
If two people are getting along romantically
you look for ways to tear them apart
If nothing goes your way
you use people as weapons as you stomp on everyone's hearts
You make threats that could land you in jail
only to turn the tables to make yourself look like the victim
You bring your children into your nonsense
not giving a thought on how much your negativity will affect them
You put on a constant show
while causing chaos behind the scenes
You are a drama addict
you need help desperately

He said I was a daydream
disguised as a nightmare
He said that I am a nice person
full of a lot of compassion
yet I pretend to be mean
to keep myself from being hurt
He's right
It was then the walls around my heart fell down
and I was no longer afraid to feel

Just because I walk around sometimes
in a nice dress showing off my legs
does not mean I am asking to get *****
Men with blue eyes are a turn on for me
It does not give me the right to take a blue eyed man
and force him to have *** with me
Women can be rapists too
Not just men
You are never allowed to put your hands on someone
without their permission
You do not have the right to force *** on anyone
I don't care how turned on you are
There are boundaries
There are lines you do not cross
NO MEANS NO

She is such an amazing artist
She is raw
She is creative
She is real
She is honest
She is funny
She is brave
If there is any positive way to describe a person
that is what Taylor Swift is
She is a legend
that will be loved by generations for many years to come
She is incredible
She is an angel on earth
Her music is life changing
I feel sorry for anyone who cannot find beauty in her music
They are missing out on the most spectacular magic
a human being can discover here on earth
Taylor Swift is love
Pure, beautiful love

I really like you
I like who I am when I am with you
I like how I am never afraid to just be myself because
you make me want to be nothing but who I truly am
I love your laugh
Your laugh is the most magnificent sound I have ever heard
Your smile
Gosh! Your smile is remarkable
Who you are as a person is just staggering
I haven't felt like this about somebody in a long time
I didn't think it was possible to feel this way again
You terrify me
Me feeling anything for you terrifies me
I keep building walls and you continue to break them down
with just one look
I can't decide if I'm angry or grateful for that
If I had it my way I would erase how I feel right now
but I can't
In fact I don't want to
and that is really really terrifying
However you're tremendous
You're perfect
and if I had a choice I would spend everyday telling you
how extraordinary you are

You are such an *******
You wait until you're 3,000 miles away
to tell me that you love me
You told me that I wasn't the one
You said meeting me wasn't fate
You told me that being with me
would be a huge mistake
Now that you're not here
you tell me that you were wrong
You tell me that all of the signs were there
you were just too ******* up to notice
You thought I was like every other girl in town
NEWSFLASH!
I am nothing like the girls in this town
I don't sleep around as if I am in competition with girls
who have no respect for themselves
Contrary to what you may think
I never wanted your ****
I wanted your heart
I wanted to love you madly
I wanted to love you so much that when you looked into the mirror
you had no choice but to see yourself in a whole new light
I wanted to make it impossible for you to figure me out
God forbid someone would want to get to know you
for who you truly were right?
I never fought for you
because I believe in fate
I believe if two people are meant to be together
they will be
It doesn't matter how much distance is between two people
It doesn't matter what their story line is
If it's meant to be
it will be
I wasn't going to beg you to love me
I'm not desperate
It's not my job to tell you what an idiot you are
You feel lost without me?
Good
Shame on you for comparing me to other girls
who don't even know what true love is
If you miss me that much
then come back
Prove it to me
Prove to me why I should give you a chance
when even God knows you sure as hell do not deserve one

I want you to kiss me
I want you to take my face into your hands
and kiss me so gently I melt in your arms
I want you to hold me so tightly
as I lay my head on your shoulder
taking in your scent
I want to feel your hand in mine
and never let it go

You had every chance to be with me
yet you chose every other girl in town
What was wrong with me?
What couldn't you see before that you see now?
We spent many nights lying in my bed
just listening to the silence
You would kiss me on the lips
then turn away for no reason
You would make time to see me whenever you could
only to ditch me for parties
I spent hours listening to you discussing about your dream girl
over pancakes at Denny's
I was your human journal
who took in your thoughts without shame
I never told you how much my heart skipped a beat
whenever you said my name
I would have given anything to be with you
you were a mystery everyone took for granted
Seeing you date my best friend though
that bothered me more than you could imagine
I never said anything to you
about how I felt
By the time I got the courage to tell you my feelings
you had already left
You moved out of state
all I have left of you now is your Facebook page
I never look at it though
it brings back memories that won't ever go away
Every once in a while you message me
telling me that you miss me
I never write back
because I don't think that you mean it
Maybe I'm just crazy
for ever thinking I would have a chance with you
You're nothing now but a hidden chapter in a book
I would have loved to write about you

When I first met you
I thought you were fantastic
I found you so interesting
When your wife took your son and left you
my heart broke for you
I thought "How could someone do that to another person?
just get up and leave without thinking of the damage they left behind?"
I watched you get your heart broken by my best friend
and each time she broke up with you I got angry
I thought "What an idiot she is to let go of someone so special."
You are like a book that everyone judges by it's cover
Inside you are chapters full of stories so beautiful
I could read them over and over again
It makes me so mad when people take you and just glimpse at you
only to toss you to the side without getting a chance to know you
If only they could see how wonderful you are
If only they took the time to read you
they would say "Gosh, he is amazing!"
For five years I have read you
hoping one day I can become a part of your story
I wouldn't change anything about you because you're perfect
I know I am just a friend to you
If a friend is what you want then I am okay with that
as long as I get to read your story over and over
because I promise I mean it when I say you are fantastic
and I live to make sure people take time to hear your story

If only you knew how crazy my heart gets whenever I hear you laugh.
You're perfect.

My heart literally tears in two when someone tells me "Writing is boring, i wish it didn't exist, it doesn't benefit a person in any way." It's like a part of me passes away at the sound of those words and all I can think is "how can someone think so negatively about something so beautiful?" I am so in love with writing the thought of anyone disgracing it is enough to make me cry.

Walk with me barefoot in the snow
dance with me naked in the rain
Tell me your darkest secrets
let me kiss your pain away
Hold your breath and count to ten
let your body relax
Take my hand and run
try not to breathe so fast
Say your last words
as the spark leaves your eyes
Watch your life play back to you in flashbacks
as death takes you by surprise
Jump off of that cliff your so afraid of
let your body break into pieces on the ground
Let your soul enter eternity
do not make a sound

Who are you to determine who is ugly and who is pretty?
We are all beautiful and handsome.
It's how we carry ourselves as people
and what we choose to put out into the world that should matter.


There is a group on Facebook that I was added to called "No Ugly People Allowed." I denied the invitation because I think it's wrong to judge people based on how they look.

We are sitting around a campfire
smoking some ****
We are both complicated people
who can't seem to find what we need
You take my hand into yours
and squeeze it just right
A tear slides down my cheek
as you ask me if I am alright
I tell you that I love you
and that I wish to be yours
Even though I know you want me too
I don't have it in me to love you like you deserve
Every moment spent with you is great
it's like living in a book that has never been published
But the fear of letting someone in
is far too much to process
I am so crazy about you
I look into your eyes and I know you want to kiss me
You won't though because you know me
you know about my fear and you respect me
Even if I was to let you in
I am a chaotic mess who will ***** you up
You deserve to be with someone
who won't **** your heart up
By now I'm hyperventilating
I am more than just sad
I am so disappointed to not let myself be
with the best man a woman could ever have

It's like a dream you know?
One minute we are curled up in each others arms
naked underneath the sheets
Then, in the blink of an eye
we're apart
You're on one side of the world in the sun
I'm clear on the other side in the rain
We're both in agony
We're both in emotional pain because we miss each other
Yet we have never met
It's like we did meet before
but we never did
Sometimes I think you're a figment of my imagination
some voice inside my head
If you're not real
how come I wake up some mornings in your arms
feeling you breathe slowly on my neck as you sleep
Those days are perfect
We stay in bed all day
making love
laughing and talking about forever
I close my eyes to kiss you
but when I open them
I'm back to being by myself
stuck in a state of depression I have never experienced before
Why can't we just be together always?
How come the second the earth moves a little too quickly
or the stars disappear for just a blink
we fall apart?
Like a wrecking ball just smashing us into a million pieces
What is wrong with us?
How long will we play this game of torture amongst ourselves?
When will we finally find the courage to just love the hell out of each other
just like in the dreams we have
when everything is perfect?

May I write a book about you?
I want to write chapters about how your smile
calms all of the piercing voices in my head
I want to put into words how the feeling of your hand in mine
calms all of the storms that cause chaos within my chest
I want to write you letters
telling you how you are the best thing that ever happened to me
I want to tell you so badly how much I love you
I love you so much but I am afraid to let myself tell you
because my love for you is so overwhelming
I don't think I can handle it
Sometimes I lay in bed and I feel like I am suffocating
under all of the ******* that my depression throws at me
but you are like the sky after a rainy day
You are so handsome
You are so beautiful
It's enough to make me sick because I can't wrap my head
around how someone so perfect can exist in a world like this
I can't accept the fact that you can have anyone you want
yet you chose me
I can still taste our first kiss on my lips
That kiss brought back to life all of the parts of me I thought died
I was a **** you turned into a flower
You made me able to love again
God! What a beautiful gift to be able to love someone so deeply
So I ask again may I write a book about you?
I want to write chapters on how you came into my life
and changed my world in the most magnificent way


To the one I will one day write a book about, I can't wait to meet you. Whoever you are...

Blue eyes look at me
Let me get lost in those ocean colored eyes
that shine like stars in the sky
Let them light up when you smile
Let them reveal the passion that hides behind them
Allow your blue eyes to see the good in a world that can be so evil
Allow your baby blues to dance when you laugh
Let them glisten with hope when you cry
Let me stare into them for eternity
I just can't get enough of your beautiful blue eyes

Every time I go onto my page on Hello Poetry I get nothing but love and encouragement. Sometimes the kind things people say to me on there are enough to make me cry because it is nothing but love on there. I give love. I receive love. I have gotten to know a lot of people on that site through words. Me and all of the people that I talk to have a love for words. We just let our hearts free without any fear of judgement because everyone understands you. Most of us writers can only reveal ourselves through words. We share our demons, our secrets and our pain to total strangers and instead of being torn down, we are being encouraged to rise up. That is such a beautiful, powerful thing. Whenever I share a poem, it doesn't have to make sense, it can be just a bundle of confused words full of emotions I can't get out and there is always someone who reads it and says "Mandie, I hear you. You are going to be okay and you may not think people get you but we do. We got your back." I am never afraid to let myself get personal on my page because I know that whether people agree with me or not, I won't get any hate for how I feel. It's so nice to be able to do what I love and be loved for who I truly am on the inside. To be around other writers who see the world the way I do, who have the same goal and they have a huge love for people who are different, it's just wonderful. I don't know how long I have been searching for a place to just be without anxiety or fear of being bashed. I have finally found my safe place and I am so grateful. There are no words to describe my love for Hello Poetry and the people who have chosen to come into my life and just love me. It's not about the number of followers or the number of poems that have trended, it's more than that. It's an appreciation for a part of myself no one wants to get the chance to know. It just feels so good to be accepted by amazing people and know that I have a safe place to go to when things get too intense and crazy for me to handle.

I am sick of people asking me
why I am choosing not to have *** again
until I am married
Why do I need to explain myself?
Why do I need to have a reason?
I do not want to be one of those girls
who sleeps with every guy she dates
I am tired of feeling like I am only good enough
to be with if I put out
There is more to me than just my body
My body is not an ingredient you need to add
in whatever half *** relationship you're trying to cook up
My body is not something you test out first
to see if it's actually good or not
I am a person
I am a human being with feelings
I am a woman who is smart
I am funny
I am creative
Don't you want to know who I am as a person?
Don't you want to know what makes me unique?
Why does it always have to be about my body?
I do not want to give myself to someone
who only wants me until someone better comes along
I want to be with someone who loves all of me
I want to be with someone who loves my mind
Who loves my weirdness
Who loves my honesty
and who loves my courage to be myself
I want a man who can feel good with me
without feeling the need to have me naked to do so
The man who can love all of me without hesitation
is the man that deserves to explore my body
He will respect it and still love it
despite all of the changes it will go through
over the years I am alive

I don't mind you staring at me
You see into my soul
You see the parts of me I try so hard to hide
The way you stare at me is intense
You don't blink
You yearn to know more
Every time you look at me
You fall in love with my heart over and over again
You want to know what makes me cry
You want to know what makes me laugh
You want to know all of the things that inspire my writing
You don't care about what's underneath my clothes
You want to know the things that can't be seen with normal eyes
You see all of the ugly parts of me
and you continue to stay
You stay because you love me
You love the real me
The me that only you can see

In high school I was invisible to you
I was the girl you laughed at with your friends
Every time I saw you in the hallways
the hair on my hand would stand
I was self conscious and insecure
because of the mean things you said to me
Now a couple years later
you find me on Facebook and now I'm suddenly pretty
You send me a friend request  out of the blue
with a message reading "hey"
You're on your computer hoping I respond
and here I am feeling like that high school girl
you wished would go away
Knowing this I message you back
asking if you remember me
You type back "no" so I thought I would take the time
to refresh your memory
I send you a photo of myself from high school
my computer doesn't make noise for an hour
After fifteen minutes of waiting
I log off and go take a shower
When I come back and log back on
there is a notification from you
It's a message with the subject "I'm An Idiot"
and I read what you had to say

"I do remember who you are
you are the girl I used to pick on
I made school unbearable for you
I know what I did was wrong
I thought I was someone cool
because I fit in with the cool kids
I had no knowledge of the damage I caused you
I was nothing but a complete *******
I am really sorry for how I treated you
I'm not just saying this to get into your pants
I would really like to get to know you
if not romantically then just as friends
You are really a beautiful woman
I'm ashamed I didn't see that before
I would completely understand
if you don't want me to message you anymore
Please forgive me for my actions
I hope life is treating you well
I am truly sorry
for making your high school experience hell."

I sit in silence for a little bit
going over what I just read
I close my eyes and hold back tears
as I go over everything he just said
I've forgiven this man a long time ago
thinking this day would never happen
Despite the way he used to act
I did have a bit of a crush on him
After thinking of what to write back
I reply

"Yes I forgive ya
but if you really want to make it up to me
you're going to have to buy me pizza."

I used to starve myself for him
I would go days without eating because
I wanted to look like the posters of women in their underwear
he had hanging in his bedroom
I would make excuses as to why I could never
go eat with him at a restaurant
I didn't want him or the world to see me as a pig
I would make myself sick trying to look good for him
My hair wasn't thick anymore
His mom used to make comments about my face sinking in
I had to wear more makeup to cover up the dark circles
that began to form under my eyes
I made sure my arms never jiggled
I didn't care that my hands hurt all of the time
I was able to go without wearing a bra because
my ***** were disappearing
I could see my hip bones perfectly
My thigh gap made me smile
Exercising became addicting and
anything involving weight loss was all that I spent money on
*** was great
I never worried about hurting him while being on top
because I was small
Pregnancy wan't a concern because lack of eating
took away my menstrual cycle
I never felt pretty unless I got his approval
I did everything I could to look good for him
To be good enough for him
Two years of this insane unhealthy roller coaster
only to be cheated on and broken up with before my favorite holiday
I starved myself for him
and still that wasn't good enough

I have been told multiple times that I talk about my mental health issues way too much. I have been accused of sharing my story to gain attention. I have been accused of using my past as a way to get people to feel sorry for me. However, that could not be further from the truth. I talk about my mental health issues openly because I know what it's like to be alone and suffer in silence. I do it for the ones who are struggling and who do not have a voice out of fear of being told to shut up. I am not the one that needs attention. The topic of mental health issues are what needs attention. I do not need anyone feeling sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for me. Everyone goes through some kind of hell in their lives  and my battle with mental health is my hell. The ones who complain about me speaking out are always the ones who get off on telling people to be quiet. They are the kind of people who are ignorant and are so quick to judge issues they know nothing about. I refuse to be silenced. I refuse to let others who are in my shoes to be silenced. I refuse to let negative people get to me. I spent so long living in silence as well as many others trying to cover up the mental health issues in our world today because it makes people uncomfortable. It's time to speak up. It's time to be educated on these issues. It's time to make a difference so we can save more lives.

Today is Self-Harm Awareness Day.
Wear orange to show your support.
To Self Harm survivors thank you for being a constant light
in a world that can be so dark.
To those currently struggling with Self Harm
I want you to know that you are more
than just the cuts and scars on your arms.
You are a warrior
and you have so many people including myself
cheering you on.
You will get through this struggle.
I believe in you.
You are greatness who will one day change the world.
Stay strong!
Keep fighting!
You got this!
I love you!
Sending you a million hugs and more!

Lovely Lady Gaga,
You are so inspiring
and I am so glad that Jesus brought you to this earth
to be an inspiration to so many women around the world.
You are sensational.
Your music and your presence
illuminates love, power, acceptance and courage.
You are the greatest treasure.
Anyone who has the pleasure of meeting you in person
is blessed because their lives with never be the same again.
You are one in a million.
Thank you for being an example of strength and true beauty.
God bless you.
You deserve all of the happiness in the world.

When someone wakes you up in the middle of the night
whether it's by phone, e-mail, text or in person
because they are upset and need someone
do not get mad, irritated or annoyed with that person.
Think about it that person is falling apart
and out of all of the people in their life they could talk to
and lean on
they chose you.
For whatever reason they chose to come to you
They chose to let you in during their most vulnerable moment
because they trust you
Being able to trust someone is a big moment for any human being
Be happy that you are trusted with the most beautiful thing
a human being can offer
Being able to open up and allow someone into your heart
when you are sad is risky for anyone
That person opened up to you
Cherish that
Take that seriously
To be trusted is a rare gift
Don't ever take it for granted

I refuse to be one of those people
that everyone chooses to love once she is dead
Don't wait until I'm lifeless and can no longer hear you
to start giving a **** about me
If I wasn't good enough for you while I was alive
I sure as hell won't be good enough for you when I'm dead
If there is something you need to tell me
do it while I can still hear you
If you want to see me
make plans with me
If you love me
tell me while I am still here to love you back
Do not wait until I am a pile of ashes
to confess everything you ever wanted to say to me

Do not make me write a poem about you

On Valentines day I have no time to be sad and emotional
I am too busy eating my chocolate
drinking my wine
sitting on my bed with cute heart stickers all over my face
in the most cheesy pajamas I can lay my hands on
staring at Ryan Reynolds **** like there is no tomorrow
as I cuddle the giant *** teddy bear I bought myself
Life is too short to be mourning on a day that love should be celebrated
Be your own Valentine
Spoil yourself
Love yourself
You do not need a man or a woman to do that for you

I think we should run away
I think that even though it is three in the morning
we should hit the highway and drive until the sun comes up
I think we should do the things we are terrified of doing
so we can get to know parts of ourselves that are dying to be known
I think we should swim in oceans
climb mountains
take a plane to a country we can't pronounce the name of
I think we should make love in every major city in America
so when we look back on those cities
it will be love that we remember
I think we should kiss under waterfalls
jump off of cliffs with our hands grasping tightly to each other
I think we should love in the now
because now won't be here forever

"It's strange how you became beautiful all of a sudden."

I was always beautiful
You just never took the time to see that

I guarantee that when this hour of conversation is over
you're going to want to marry me

I think people should be recognized more for their talents
Not just for how they look
It sends the message that no matter how good you are at something
if you're not extremely beautiful or handsome
then you're not good enough
and I don't think that's right

I sat down in front of him
"If I agreed to ******* would you spend the rest of the night getting to know me?"
He looked at me with shock in his eyes
"Yes."
"What if I took away your chance of ******* me, would you still get to know me?"
He swallowed
"Why are you asking me this?"
"I want to know if you have the ***** to open yourself up to the possibility of love."
He leaned forward
"Why would I do that?"
"I am offering you the chance of a lifetime. Now you want to get to know me and be happy the rest of your life? Or should I leave you to find your next good **** which will only bring you happiness for an hour?"
He stared at me
"I bet you $1,000 you don't have it in you to take this risk."
He stuck out his hand
"You're on."

We have been together for fifty years now
After spending the night getting to know me
minus the ***
I wrote him a check for $1,000
To this day it still sits in his top dresser drawer
He refuses to cash it

He wrote me a poem
In the poem he confessed his feelings for me
He said he would have told me in person how he felt
but writing was easier for him to say what he had to say
So he wrote me a poem

He wrote me a book
In the chapters he wrote about the beginning of us
The moment we met
Our first date
Our first kiss
Our first fight
Our first everything
He said he wanted a way to share with the world
how lucky he was to have a woman like me love him so much
So he wrote me a book

He made me a movie
In the movie was a collection of videos he took of me
In each video a moment was caught on film
Sometimes I was laughing
Sometimes I was speaking
Sometimes I was running on the beach
In one video I was building a snowman
In another I was sleeping
His favorite video was of me writing
He explained that he wanted me to see how beautiful I am
through his eyes
So he made me a movie

He built me a home
Every time I pointed out something about a house I liked
he would jot it down in a notebook
and he used what he wrote to build me the home of my dreams
He built it on land that overlooked a forest of pine trees
He purposely picked a location where it would snow every year
because he knew how much I love snow
He made the inside full of everything that makes me who I am
From colors to pictures to furniture
On the day he gave me the key he told me
that he wanted to give me a safe place to call my own
So he built me a home

He wrote me a song
In the song he sang about all of the things in the world he found beautiful
how all of his dreams came true the day he met me
how whenever he was scared all he had to do was look at me
and all of his anxiety
all of his depression
all of his demons would just disappear
In the introduction
he told me he never wanted me to ever doubt his love for me
So he wrote me a song

He made me a T-shirt
It was too big for me
He made it my favorite color
on the front he imprinted lyrics from my favorite song
He sprayed his cologne on it so it smelt like him
He said he wanted me to have something to wear
in case I missed him while he was out of town
So he made me a T-shirt

He gave me his heart
When we first met we didn't have anything to our names
All we knew was that we loved each other
and we wanted to be together
On the night he told me he loved me
he said the only thing he could give me in that moment
was something he never gave to any other woman
He said he trusted me to never break it
he offered his heart and I accepted it
When he died of a heart attack 50 years later
he had himself cremated
When his attorney came to his funeral
he explained he left a gift for me
It was a box with a diamond heart shaped necklace
filled with some of his ashes
with a note that read "I love you"
He left me his heart

That's the way the world is though.
The fakes get all of the attention and glory
for being something that their not
and the people who are true to themselves get rejected,
mistreated and bashed for living an honest life.
I honestly find my honest life peaceful.
I don't get a lot of attention
via social media and/or by people in general.
That's fine by me.
I like my small group of friends
who are happy being themselves.
I love the confidence and empowerment I feel in the air
being around people who are not fake.
My life is less chaotic and hardly has any drama.
I think that is the best thing about being a social outcast.
Fakes see it as something horrible
I see it as a blessing.

I think it's amazing how much time has passed
and yet nothing has changed
Sure we may be leading different lives
yet our feelings for each other are the same
You went to college in Texas
I stayed here in Arizona with my poetry
We went two years without talking
and still that hasn't changed anything
We still go swimming in the middle of the night in your pool
and kiss under the oak tree in your backyard
We go for ice cream at Sonic
as we sit watching the stars
We still call each other by our nicknames
then laugh about nothing for hours
We stay up late watching zombie movies
only to become too terrified to sleep afterwards
You have been my best guy friend since freshman year of high school
You used to be like a brother to me
Now when I look at you
I describe you as my everything
I don't know why I never noticed it before
but I notice it now
I have liked you for a really long time
how about we give love a shot?

STOP running away from opportunities
that can potentially change your life
STOP living your life
according to what other people think about you
STOP being being mean to yourself
by calling yourself horrible names
STOP letting guys treat you like a rug
you're a diamond who deserves to be treasured
STOP walking in fear
and putting yourself in a box
STOP criticizing yourself for being human
STOP trying to put an end
to the passion deep inside of you
STOP keeping yourself stuck
EMPOWER yourself
LOVE yourself
You DESERVE so much better

You called me on the phone
you wanted to hear my voice
You asked me how I was
I told you England was nice
I have been away for a year
the distance hasn't gotten much easier
I know I should be back in America by now
but I keep finding reasons to stay here
The rain keeps me cleansed
from my personal demons I have inside
The friends I have made are exceptionally beautiful
they keep me from losing my mind
The sunrises here look like paintings
you can only touch in a dream
My nights at the pub are where I unwind
and I feel as if I can do anything
Everyday I am fighting a battle
of being in love with a place and a person
England is a love affair
that grasped at my heart strings and never let go
I've planned on coming here for most of my life
I knew this would happen one day
I just never thought I would end up meeting my soulmate
one month before I was to go away
I know people can go at anytime
and that places will always stay where they are
However I feel like I have finally found myself
and for the first time I'm not scared of anything at all
I don't want to lose you
but I know you'll never come here
The last thing I wanted was to hurt you
I'm sorry but I'm not leaving England

"I Love You"
He said to her
She looked at him
with fear in her eyes
"Why does that scare you so much?"

I know she played games with your heart
She made you afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve
I'm not the type that plays games
I'd do my best to give you everything you need
I know that she lied to you
You've built up walls because betrayal has left you scarred
With me you never have to worry about that
I wouldn't let anything break your heart
I know she said she loved you
Only to take it back when she found someone better
I would never get tired of loving you
I'd show you off to the whole world
I know she made you lose your faith in love
She took what you two shared and murdered it
Give me a chance to love you like you deserve
I'll show you that true love still exists


Happy Valentines Day Everyone!