This body that I'm in disgusts me so much
I can't stand the flab I carry
I hate that my thighs touch
The stretch marks that spread out on my tummy
are purple reminders of how ugly I am
Any time I'm naked
I'm repulsed by the sight of them
The acne on my skin just makes me sick
I can't put anything on my skin without breaking out
and I hate it
The double chin that seems to get bigger
every time I shove food in my face
Reminds me that I'm a fat ***
who takes up too much space
The number on the scale reads 179
I should feel proud yet I want to hide
All I hear in my head is "LOSE MORE WEIGHT!"
I pretend that I'm okay
but inside I'm full of self hate
My ***** are the worst
they're sacks of disappointment
I've never nursed a child
yet they're saggy as can be
My back fat is so apparent
I want to wear the biggest sweater I can find
so no one knows about it other than me
The wrinkles around my eyes are proof
that I'm getting older now
The spider veins that are beginning to show
tell me I'm washed up
Every time I look in the mirror
apart of me dies a little more
I just want to be beautiful
is that too much to ask for

I missed you
I know that we haven't spoken in awhile
and that's my fault
When my soul is in agony
I have a tendency to lock myself away from the world
because I fear that my emotional pain
is too much for anyone to handle
That's not how it used to be with us though
When I was sad I came to you
You would hold your arms out wide
as I fell into them
You would hold me as I cried against your shoulder
When my arms were stained red from bleeding
after tearing up my arms with a razor
you were there to wrap my arms in bandages
and you would kiss my wounds as if
kissing them would make them disappear
I told you my deepest secrets
and you've kept every one
I shared with you my darkest thoughts
and you never grew afraid of me
You loved me when my stomach was hungry
because I refused to eat when I thought 145
pounds was too fat
I was rotting away in every way possible
yet you managed to breathe life into me every time
I remember when I first told you I wanted to **** myself
you took my hand and squeezed it hard
You reminded me that the air I was breathing was a gift
and to never take it for granted
You found me when I was broken
You shared my journey and hit rock bottom
every time I did too
When I was too angry to talk to you
you never got upset
You waited patiently for me to come to my senses
We spent every moment together
You were my life line at one point
but as time went on and I got better
we began to drift apart
Everyday conversations turned into every other day
which turned into every other week
and eventually into every other month
Then a year passed and we didn't speak once
I felt guilty about it
but I felt like I didn't need you anymore
I thought the universe brought us together
because it knew I was in pain
I had no one to turn to
and you gave me everything
I knew how to love you in sadness
but no clue how to love you in happiness
I missed you to the point I felt lost
as if a part of me had died
Then in the blink of an eye on a great Sunny day
I found you waiting for me
with a big smile on your face
I ran up to you and took your hand
and my heart immediately knew
that through the good times and the bad times
I was meant to be with you
As I sit here writing this out
tears are slowly streaming down my face
It feels so good to share with you everything I feel
as if we were back in that place
that walk in closet in the house on 28th street
where 12 years ago you found me
I fell in love with the greatest thing on earth
I fell in love with writing poetry

I'm going to tell you something that I feel
is the most important thing I can tell anybody
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH
You are more than good enough
I know people are tired of hearing me say it
but I will never stop until it's imprinted so deeply in your mind
it almost becomes the only thing you can think about
You are good enough
You are beautiful
You are handsome
You have a heart of gold
The love you have deep inside you is not a curse
You have a purpose on this earth
Your life matters
It more than matters it is needed
You were created to fulfill a purpose on this earth
and anyone you meet on your journey through life
that can't grasp how incredibly amazing you are
then they got to go
They serve no purpose for you
You deserve to be seen
You deserve to be heard
You deserve to be complimented
You deserve to be cared for
You deserve to be respected
You deserve to be acknowledged
You deserve to be loved
If you are constantly giving to the point
you're beginning to feel empty
then something needs to change
You deserve to be treated with the same compassion
you give out to other people
You don't need to beg for it
You're not a bad person because you want to be treated
like you matter
You are not a bad person for wanting to be loved
and treated like greatness
It doesn't have to be from someone romantic
If someone cares for you they will never cause you
to question where you stand in any of your relationships
be it family, friendship or romantic
Hear me again
and if it makes you feel uncomfortable good
It's clear you don't hear this enough
and that needs to change starting today
You are important
You matter
You deserve love
You don't have to change who you are
for people to accept you
The people who truly respect you
are never going to try to change you
You deserve to be around people
who make you feel great about yourself
all of the time
You are enough
You are enough
YOU ARE ENOUGH

He is troubled
He is in love with a woman he believes
is too far out of reach
All he has to do is reach out
and she will gladly take his hand in hers
He watches her from afar
and every time she smiles his heart
skips so many beats to the point it hurts
He adores the way she sips her coffee
as if it's the best thing she's ever tasted
He wants to change that
by making her fall in love with his kisses
He loves the way she tells stories
meant to be five minutes long
She always gets distracted by another memory
and he doesn't mind it at all
He likes how he feels when he's around her
he doesn't have to be anyone other than himself
He can let down his walls
and nothing else matters
He watches her put on her jacket
and he wants to be the one to keep her warm
He wants to take her in his arms
and never let her go
He wants the sound of her voice
to never leave his ears
He wants to keep her laughing so hard that
she has no choice but to fall against his shoulder
and when she does he will get goosebumps
from her touch and he won't mind at all
He is in love with this woman
He wants her or no one at all

I've been doing some thinking
and I've come to the decision
that it's time I let you go
We broke apart a long time ago
We tried to fix what was broken
but we can't
We are not a good match
We only continue to disappoint each other
instead of make each other proud
You are so convinced that you are unworthy to be loved
and the more I love you
the more I get hurt because you push me away every time
I can't make you accept my love
I can't open your eyes and force you to see
that everything you want is standing right in front of you
I can't keep loving someone
who clearly doesn't love me back
I thought with time apart
we would get a better understanding of what went wrong
so maybe we could mend things
The truth is we outgrew each other
I wanted more
you wanted less
I saw you as the most wonderful human being
one could lay their eyes on
you saw me as not good enough
I loved you passionately
you loved me enough to put a smile on my face
then fear crept in and told you all of the reasons
it wouldn't work out and you listened
I'd like to think we're meant to be
My soul has never collided with another's
so perfectly it was like magic
No one has ever saw into the depths of me
and chose to stay
and love the parts of me that never knew love
Maybe in the future we are different
I won't love so intensely
and you won't be so intimidated
by the fact that someone loves you
without ulterior motive
Maybe over time we will find our way back to each other
but until then I have to let you go
I love you with every piece of my existence
I promise you that will never change

I have been sick for the last two months
After days of bleeding,
cramping,
depression,
panic attacks,
suicidal thoughts,
multiple hospital visits
and an intense fear that I was dying
I am starting to feel like myself again
My suicidal thoughts due to the medication I was prescribed
were enough to scare me into appreciating my life
in a way I never have before
I see things differently
I feel things differently
I have a deeper respect for my body
and all that it has gone through to keep me alive
My faith in God is deeper
My anxiety no longer has the control it once enjoyed
and my depression doesn't haunt me like it used to
I have this urge to live that is so great
and my constant need to be alone is no longer there
I've changed and I don't feel the need to prove myself
to the world
I just want to live
I want to taste life in a new way
and capture every single moment like it's my last
I want to live in the moment
and no longer waste my time worrying about the future
I've let go of baggage that was weighing me down like an anchor
resting in the deepest part of the ocean
I've fallen in love with living
I'm no longer afraid of anything

I want to love you in a way
no other woman has before
I am aware of your previous relationships
I understand the insecurities you have
yet as time goes on you grow more distant
and I'm beginning to question what I'm doing wrong
The closer I try to get to you
the further you pull away
You hear me cry in bed
and you ignore me anyway
It's getting to the point I'm sad so much
that I'm becoming physically sick
and when I ask you if you still love me
you yell at me for asking such a question
I've stopped wishing to feel your embrace
as the cool autumn nights set in
I've begun to prepare myself
for something I know is sure to happen

You are complex and quiet
You prefer to be alone
and you keep to yourself in a crowd full of people
You have a big heart
yet whenever someone tries to love you romantically
you keep them at arms length
You don't speak a lot but when you do
you don't need to say a lot to get your point across
You have seen, tasted and felt evil
yet you continue to choose to do the right thing
When I want to give up
you toughen me up
When I yell at you
you don't make a fuss
You let me be by myself to deal with my anger
then get me off of my *** and teach me to channel it better
You see greatness in me that I cannot see with my own eyes
You tell me the raw truth
when everyone else lies
You don't think twice when I call you for help
You don't allow me to give up
you push me to be a better version of myself
If I want to cry you let me
but I better be running if I do
When I feel like I don't belong in this world
you don't make me feel inferior to you
Instead you stand me up
look me in the face and remind me of my self worth
You encourage me to face my past
even though it will hurt
Even with all of your demons you fight internally on a daily basis
you never hesitate to hold my hand
You made me the strong person I am today
You are my Batman

You held me in your arms
that rainy Friday night
In your arms all I did was cry
all of the tears I held inside
You squeezed me tight and whispered
"honey don't cry
don't cry
you will be alright
I will be here
anytime you need me
just yell my name
I will be here to listen
to wipe your tears away
and kiss your beautiful face."

You held your hand in mine
that snowy Saturday night
You kissed my hand two times
as stars shone in your eyes
I smiled at you as you grabbed me and said
"honey I love you
I love you
I'm madly in love with you
I can listen to you laugh all night
you constantly take me by surprise
there is no where else I would rather be
than with you tonight
you're every dream I've ever dreamed
every wish I ever made
I will love you for eternity
as long as you will have me."

The razor whispered
"use me
I'll take away your pain
I'm the key to making all of your problems
disappear for good
Just let me get a taste of your skin
Please"
As she ran her delicate fingers over the shiny blade
that once used to help her she grew angry
She was angry for ever using it in the past to harm herself when life got intense
She was angry for currently holding it in her hands
and she was angry for allowing her mind to go to such a dark place after she had fought for years to get out of it
Now she was here holding the key to a hell she didn't think she could come back from twice
She heard the razor whisper once more
then chucked it so far into the ocean never to be used again
She looked down at the scars on her arms that were still visible yet healed and said
"not this time."

I had a dream about you last night
It felt so real
I could feel your arm around me as I slept
I could feel your breathing on my back
causing my skin to form goosebumps
The warmth from your body against mine
just felt so right
It felt so good to be in your arms
But then I woke up
and I felt sad
Your arm was not around me
You weren't breathing on my back
I felt cold
You were never there
it was just a dream

Hey you
Yes you the one reading this poem
It's currently 2:51 in the morning
in my part of the world
You are probably wondering why I am up so late
Truth is my heart is breaking
I am currently in my bed crying
wishing I was in a cabin surrounded by snow
because snow always makes me feel better
As I sit here typing I realize I am not the only one
up so late crying my eyes out
I'm sure whoever is reading this is up late because
you either can't sleep,
you are also hurting emotionally,
you are thinking about doing something permanent to yourself,
you're thinking about pointless **** from years ago
or you are probably one of those people who prefers to
be awake when it's dark out
Despite your reason for being up so late
I am glad you are because I have something to say
that you really need to hear
Now what I say may shock you but
it needs to be said
Are you still reading?
Good
You are one ******* bad ***
You are a soul who blows minds with your awesome personality
Whatever negative ******* you have running around
inside your head right now is a lie
Anything negative that is making you upset right now
is temporary
You were put on this earth for a reason
There is something inside of you that is just begging
to be released that has the potential to change lives
Whatever you are going through
a break up,
an argument with a best friend,
a set back,
an addiction,
a job loss,
death of a loved one,
whatever you are going through right now
is going to get better eventually
It may not happen tonight,
tomorrow,
next month,
next year
or longer than that but even though it hurts
and I know this sounds cliche
pain has a way of opening unexpected doors for us
Pain helps us grow and teaches us amazing things about ourselves
If you want to stop reading this now you can
I hate hearing positive things when I'm upset too
because when I'm hurting it feels like things will never
get better but they do
It takes time
It can feel lonely sometimes when we are hurting
because we think no one else can feel as awful as we
do right now
However some where far away maybe in another country
someone is fighting a battle no one knows about
and they are crying too
What I am trying to say is right now even if you are
by yourself you are not alone
Anything hurtful someone has said to you is a lie
You are greatness
You are beautiful
You have a heart that deserves to be loved unconditionally
and if you are up late because you want to hurt yourself
please don't
Someone out there wakes up everyday just to see your smile
Someone out there gets butterflies just by hearing your laugh
and even though it's hard to believe sometimes
someone loves you so much
and the world is a much better place with you in it
Whatever demon you are battling tonight
I hope you know you got this
You are strong
You are lovely
You are inspirational
You are meant to be here
That much I know
So do whatever you have to do tonight
cry, write, listen to the same song on repeat,
yell into a pillow, meditate, dance, watch a comedy
whatever makes your heart soar do that
Make the choice to give life another shot
It's 3:21 in the morning now
My face burns from my tears but
I am far from being done crying
I may cry for the rest of the night
and that's okay
I would rather feel my pain
then pretend it doesn't exist
I hope you get some sleep tonight
If you don't then I hope your day tomorrow is an easy
nonstressful day
It's Friday
Fridays should never be stressful
I love you
I care about you
Oh and one more thing
YOU MATTER!
Goodnight beautiful bad *****!
I look forward to your smiles

I was born in California
and raised in Arizona
yet neither one of those places are home to me
Milwaukee, Wisconsin is my home
Milwaukee is where I took my first real breath
after coming to terms that I was now a person
living with a mental illness
Milwaukee is where I took my first steps as an adult
Milwaukee is where I found my love for writing
on the floor of my walk in closet
on South 28th street
Milwaukee is where I fell in love for the first time
lost my virginity and got my heart smashed to pieces
and even though I was hurting
I never gave up on the belief in love
Milwaukee is where I smoked my first cigarette
Milwaukee is where I bought my first Mayday Parade
album after cutting the **** out of my legs
in my father's basement
Milwaukee is where I met snow for the first time
at age two and 23 years later I swear
I can remember the feeling I had
when I touched it
Milwaukee is where I discovered my favorite coffee flavor
at the Starbucks on Howell Avenue
Milwaukee was where I dyed my hair black
and began my journey to finding out who I was
as a person
Milwaukee is my battlefield
in which I fought demons I never thought
I would have to fight
It's where I tasted betrayal, abuse, anger, depression
and anxiety for the first time
It's also where I contemplated suicide
and almost went through with it
I've endured hell in Milwaukee
but it's where I persevered
It's where I got tough
It's where my broken heart healed
It's where I looked my demons straight in the face
and yelled  "TRY ME *****!"
Milwaukee is where I grew as a person
in ways I never thought I could
Milwaukee is more than a city most people pass through
on their journey to somewhere else
Milwaukee is a part of my soul
that I am far from ashamed of
My birth certificate may say I am from California
but Milwaukee, Wisconsin is where I'm really from
Its my home
and no one can tell me differently

I can't get it out of my head
the image of him ******* her
in the same bed we made love in
over and over again
Through the love we shared
we developed a closeness
I have never experienced
with anyone else before
Seeing you in her as she grabbed onto you
the way I have just tore me apart
I can still hear him calling her name
as he came inside her
and knowing it wasn't my name he was calling
just made the hole in my heart hurt that much more
I stood there in disbelief
as the man I built a life with for five years
threw it all away for some ****
he met in a bar while I was out of town
What's worse was his reaction
when he noticed my presence in the doorway
he looked like he had never seen me before
As I ran out of the room
I could hear him chasing after me as he apologized
over and over again
as if he made some tiny mistake
IT WASN'T A MISTAKE
HE CHEATED
HE TURNED HIS BACK ON US
AND THE PROMISE HE MADE
FOR A QUICK ****
With every apology I grew angry
I was angry that he was standing before me
naked with her scent and lying to me
He wasn't sorry
He made a choice
a choice that destroyed what we had
The special love we once had
was tossed away
the moment he made the choice
to **** another woman
You don't ever get over a betrayal like that