We watched three DVDs of Elvis
on the Ed Sullivan show,
Just to find you waving in the crowd
for a quarter of a second

It was brief
But to see you so young
And gentle and light
Was worth the hours
Of black & white tv
And jokes that are no longer funny

The first night I met you
You asked me if I was a writer
And I asked how you knew

You said it takes one to know one

I read your poetry for three hours
In Indian style on your living room floor
While you ate crackers from a ziplock bag
And talked about the love of your life
And the way his chest felt
The first time you used it as a pillow

You told me not to cry
When Elijah dumped me
You said pain is everywhere,
I'll miss out on life
If I let it consume me

I turned to leave your room
On a random Sunday last December,
It was cold and wet and dark,
And I was tired,
You grabbed my hand
And stopped me in my tracks
You said "learn to relax"
And then you held me still
Until you saw the anxiety
melt out of my eyes

I asked you why you
Bother to keep the car
Even though you know
You'll never drive it
You asked me why
I bother to love the sick
Even though I know
They're dying

You told me "don't close the blinds,
The world is beautiful"
Last time I came to say goodnight

You kept making plans,
Where you'd go after you left here
Even though "here" was certainly
The last place you'd be

I never understood
Why you kept pretending;
Pretending there was more

I get it now, Peggy
I know

i wasn't a normal kid
and it wasn't easy to hide,

no pretty little princess night light
fastened to a peach wall
in a brick house

i watched the street lights flicker
through a gap in the blinds,
talking to you in my head
like,

"i hope your hands are still soft
i hope your teeth are still crooked
i hope you follow the street lights,
count your way to my house,
and sleep beside me
in my bed"

i left the window open
in the winter
cause i thought
you were the wind

the cold kept me up
and i liked it cause
i was afraid
of the pictures in my head
when sleep left me
powerless,
out of control

i never liked
losing control

one foot
in front of the other
...
always coaching
myself in my head
about things that
hardly mattered

12 years small,
afraid of mistakes
afraid of rejection
afraid of death
and friendship
and grief
and loving

falling asleep at school the next day
chipping my front tooth
on a ceramic desk,
and holding my breath

i never cried
in occupied spaces

i never asked for help

i never said,
"something's not right"
even though
those words lived
on the tip of my tongue
for years on end

they noticed the shadows under my eyes
but it was too late,
14 & poisoned
by loss and
guilt and
this growing fear
that made it
hard to speak
without my voice
breaking

no one knew
how to treat me
my mom didn't let me
lock doors
or wear long sleeves

when you hung yourself
the noose came after me

you were gone in minutes
i stayed gasping for air
and fighting
for years

i'm twenty-two now
and it's no miracle
i made it

i ******* scratched
at the roof of the coffin
you nailed me in
til my finger nails bled
and the wood split
just enough
for my lungs
to stop straining

you doomed me from
such a young age
i have trouble deciphering
where your death ends
and my personality begins

i am drenched in your blood
everything i touch is tainted
by the memory of your brother's
shaky voice through a landline receiver

i can't take a ******* shower,
open a letter,
tie my shoes,
brew a coffee,
say a word,
skip a class,
put on lipstick,
breathe
for ****'s sake
without the weight
of your blue, cold body
cracking my chest

they pulled me out of
a seventh grade class room
to say,
"they took him off life support"

and i didn't ask questions
and i knew what that meant
and i fought back tears,
swallowed them,
this dry lump
in my throat
and i never spoke
of you again

i was so small

how could you

"we got a dud
i think she's broken"
i imagined those lines
dancing through my mom's mind

and i blinked hard
i cut deep
i stayed home
i stayed asleep

i wasn't a normal kid,
it wasn't easy to hide

defined by death
answering to your crimes

you took your life
but you may as well have
taken mine