The scent of carne con frijoles fill my nostrils
as my Grandmother stirs the *** with her hands the color
of the soil my Great Grandfather raked under the scorching sun.
I look down at my hands smooth and callous- free,
because I do not know what it is like to have back pains
from picking vegetables for my children of 9.

My mother would tell me stories as she braided my hair before school,
like my Great Grandmother braided her raven hair that cascaded to her hips.
Una mestiza misma as they say,
With her blue eyes from the Spanish in her
and the sage hair inherited from the Indigenous woman ***** and shunned
Losing her culture and her language along the way.

But the Indigenous woman’s lineage exists within me
along with the Spanish conquistador
Who moves my mouth to form
words and phrases that are not English.
I am her with my high cheekbones and muddy eyes.
I am him with my fair skin and thick brows.
I am me but I am also my mother, father, grandmother, grandfather
who call Panama home.

-m.p

Lipstick stains all over your mouth mixed with drawn blood as your tongue crashed violently around my insides
As you traveled
you left behind your mark as if I were something to be discovered
Some the size of Ireland
Others the size of Australia
When the sunlight reflects on our window, I am reminded that it is my time to be vulnerable
Rubbing orange peels on my aching body as if there were a bad spirit that needed to be warded off
Your nose would scrunch up,
but even still your amber eyes seemed ready to sap away my soul
Leaving behind a husk of a body
My straw hair falling off each limb
just like the leaves gathered on the forest floor
I longed to crush them under my sole
The marks on my body seem to have started to absorb the yellow from your eyes
I can’t seem to get rid of you
The avocado toast in the mornings only seem to fill me up temporarily before they are all expelled
Oh how quickly avocados turn ugly!
My nostrils are filling with an emptiness that is cold and engulfing
My head is a boat
I will sail away even if I’m tattered
The raging storm lurks behind me and threatens to end us both
But I know behind those dark clouds
there will be an array of colors
waiting for my happy ending to be painted

(m.p)

The boy arrives home with irregular eggplant shapes on his cheek,
under his right eye,
near his ribs.
All the places that caused him to quiver
and tremble in shame.
The mother clutches her son’s face into her hands,
worried about what occurred at school.
He turns his face away and closes his eyes shut.
“Leave me alone” he yells,
as the boot crushes him to the pavement.
But it is no use.
No one hears his cries for help
on the playground.
They finally leave
when enough blood has been shed.
Drying on that pavement
and painted on their knuckles.


The boy’s bruised face from last week screams
as it is smashed against his locker.
He feels his teeth rattle
as if in a freezer,
as their knuckles connect
with his jaw.
He no longer shields himself
and instead awaits their next move
like in the boxing matches
his father used to take him to.
With a smile on his face,
he dreams of holding his father’s hand again
as he feels his eyes close shut.
Suddenly, he remembers
his mother
weeping in the kitchen...
holding his sister tightly
with the phone limply in one hand
and him being too young,
in the moment,
to understand their tears
as he let his head slump.

The pain finally
subsided.

I always believed I was in the wrong
from the way they laughed
and called me a *****.
Their words ringing in my head
as the ringing of the school bell
meant that I would be safe again.
Safe from hateful eyes.
Safe from evil words.
Safe from “friends”.
Am I in the wrong?
For wanting to be pretty
like the girls on my feed?
For wanting to shed my skin to fit
into the standards set?

I tricked myself into thinking it was my fault.
I created lines on my body
to replicate the ones made on paper.
Some ragged and raised,
others seeping red.
I let their words settle
into my body like a parasite.
Damaging and eating away
at my resolution to keep on living.

-m.p

Room 306
May 26th, 2011 3:06 p.m.
was the last day i saw you
funny how it rained all day
i wanted to hold you
tell you that you were going to make it
please dont go just yet
stay with me
but people come and go
your ghostly thin face blended so well with the linen hospital sheets
your hand was so cold
your time was coming to an end
i just wanted to believe that God would spare your
life
i didn't want to lose my best friend
God where are you, listen to me!
but there was no saviour
beep beep beep beep
went the flat line
i'm choking now
gasping through my tears
oh not my Hanna!
she's dead
take me with her
the shine i knew in her green eyes went out
i lost the light in my life
come back
so i can show you how much i miss you
                                                                                                                                                       (m.p)

You listened to Frank Ocean and Johnny Rain
I listened to Nirvana and Coldplay
I was never the one to stand out in a crowd and didn't have much friends but that was alright
But you, everybody knew you and girls wanted to be with you.
When you turned around in your seat to look at me, my hands shaked like an earthquake and I started feeling so many things whenever I saw you.
When you said to me,"I love you and still think your beautiful, even with your scars,"
I knew that I was inlove with you and I couldn't stand the thought of you leaving me.
You made me feel loved and wanted for once; you gave my life purpose.
You found me in the dark when I had already given up on myself and wanted to end my life.
My nightmares soon became dreams;
endless dreaming of your kiss so soft against my lips and how your eyes gazed into mine before you leaned in.
We didn't have much but we were so in love.
One day you texted me and said,"I'm in love with two people at the same time."
hurt
heartbroken
You never saw the tears I cried that day.
You told me that you were going to try to forget her, for us and I believed you, like the fool I'm.
But we made it past that relentless ocean and saved our relationship.
But another hurricane was coming our way soon.
"I'm sorry.That you are feeling this way.It wasn't really my intention."
******* ******* *******
And just like everybody else who entered my life, you left when you promised you wouldn't.
You lead me on, and messed with my head.
And now I'm hopeless and lost without you.
oh god
i
am
so
alone
We don't talk much anymore, but you still cross my mind time after time.
All I have now is my pain to hold on to and my tears are
f a l l i n g
like rain down my cheeks
"Somebody in the future will make you just as happy as I made you."
But can't you see that you were my future, that you ******* meant everything to me!
hate
depressed
A lesson learned.
A chapter never finished.
A happy never after.
When I need you the most, you leave.
Now what I'm supposed to do?
Because of you, I have new red smiles on my wrists and I have lost weight.
Nights of just thinking what and when I went wrong and having to cry myself to sleep.
I'm slowly killing myself,starving,losing sleep over you
when you don't
even care
I wish you the best of luck and find what you are searching for.
Because I was never enough for you.
I would try to get you back, but I lost you a long time ago.
You showed me love and I thank you for that.
Nothing gold can stay.
                                                           ­                                                                 ­                         (m.p.)