It's times like tonight where I can't take breaths from time to time. Getting so caught up in a mindset that it attacks your lungs. It's feelings like this that choke you up. It is indescribable. Memories like that that make you squint and hold back your emotions. It's too much to take in and too much to let out.
And I am so sorry that I'm laying in my bed feeling this way. No matter how many times you remind me of the worth you think I have, I will never listen. And I will always lose my breath at 11 pm because emotions **** and so does love and memories. Millions of other things do too; don't get me wrong. This is the jest of things. The main source of feeling alone. No reassurance. Just compliments telling me that I'm nothing I say I am. But I am just as worse.
Man, I am a mess. A mess that forgets to take breaths while flooding her eyes.

Love. Friendship. Race. Illness. Hate. Eyes. Heartbreak. Everything.
Love? You can't see it but you can feel it. You used to only ever say it to your family that you hardly saw over the holidays. Then you noticed that boys have nice eyes and girls have hands that are only intertwined with their own. Then you hugged, kissed, held and promised to never let go.
Friendship? You've had lots of them. With girls and boys. They've seen you cry because of things you never got. They've seen you first thing in the morning after a sleepover. They leave though. And new friends come, which is great! But you miss the old ones. The ones that cared about you before you had a big house and your parents' alcohol stashed in the cupboards.
Race. Color? What's the difference with the color on your skin than mine? Just a color. We're still human right? We still have two eyes and legs. We are all the same; just separated by a simple tone of skin.
Illness. It keeps you up at night just as much as she used to keep you up. Coughing, sneezing, blood, pain, tears even. From cancer to a simple cold, it hurts. Like when mom and dad would let us stay home from school because she checked our temperature and said "stay in bed" as she got ready for work that morning. Or when you ran the thermometer under hot water when you were 12 and showed it to her and said, "I'm not well" just so you could sleep in because 2 hours of sleep wasn't enough.
Hate. Usually what we feel after an argument or being told something you don't want to hear. When you're told no, you hate it. When you were seven years old you probably claimed you hated your mother for not giving you something you wanted. You hate the muggy smell of the air and the graffiti on the walls in your bathroom stalls at school. You hated him after he told you he didn't love you. You hated your teacher when you didn't get the grade you wanted, either.
Heartbreak. Oh, we all remember those. Where we'd stay up past midnight, miserable over the ones we thought would stay. When you had to watch them leave your driveway in the car you kissed them in a million times. When you look at your hands and remember what it was like, holding their neck as they kissed you. You think you've lost it all. You think it's the end of the world.

Well the truth is; these things aren't really everything.

If one is sad and alone
Make them feel at comfort and cared for
If someone is smiling and happy
Contribute to their happiness
If one is happy with one other
Smile;
Let them be happy as two
But if you see one on the street
Lonely from a broken heart
Heal.
Care for, contribute, help.
And if two people are happy
Smile.
Leave them as two.
Help the broken hearted;
Heal the lonely;
Feed the hungry.
Let lovers love.
Be a healer
Not a home wrecker.

It was maybe 9 o'clock if not 10 when you called me
"What's your address?"
An hour later, I jumped into your arms as you walked down my street in the dark as the street light was shining on us
Those moments where my happiest
When I got to kiss your lips
When I got to hold your hand
When you rubbed my back and laughed with me
But not days later;
When you called me at 11:30 and told me what you had to get off your chest
"It was bothering me, but I still want you in my life"
"I still enjoy your company"
And in those moments all I could say we're two words,
"It's fine"
When really
My heart ached and I felt lost
I caught on too early and I lost you too soon
And now, all we will do is see
If you'll ever call again
And we'll see next week
Maybe the next
Cause for ***** sake
We all know I'll watch my phone in hopes you'll call.

m.b

A girl of only seventeen,
who knew you could make
so many mistakes.
Was it that long ago?
Your dress was always white
and you could sleep without
worrying or waking yourself
from muttering "no, no, no,
I don't know this person
I've become."
What have you done?
You crashed your car for the second time,
careless/stupid/thoughtless/daft.
When's the last time you didn't make
your mother mad?
You loved too many boys
you didn't know
because falling into bed
is easier than getting up again.
You smoke like a new bad habit
and your best friend's a
soon-to-be addict;
you said you knew you had sinned
and yet you still refused to repent.
The verdict is in: it seems
the world would be a better place if
you weren't in it.

She doesn't know she hurts me,
because she doesn't see my pain,
she never bothers to eaven  look at me
her gaze towards him always stays the same.

I can't help but remember that night
November 14th at 5:34 pm
(it was supposed to be 6:30 but you couldn't wait; I couldn't wait either)
you drove for minutes that felt like hours
we didn't know where we were gong that evening
and I didn't know I was going to ruin myself
I didn't know you were going to kiss my lips like that
I didn't know you were going to take off the multiple layers of clothes you had on
I knew what every guy wants; but **** I thought you were different
but we touched
we kissed and we held eachother close
and for a moment, nose to nose, I saw you
I saw your blue eyes and your collarbones
you saw my emotionless eyes and the freckles on my cheeks
we both saw the moon from the parking lot
perfect idea right? what a great spot;
a great spot to take over and dominate my thoughts from that moment on

m.b