when you're not sad
is it because you're so blinded
by being so busy
and being so involved
that you cannot see what truly torments you?
are you so absorbed into others
that you forget yourself
and come to find that your heart
is actually bleeding badly?
what do you do with that
cover with more things
or alcohol or love or ***
or jesus christ?
what really solves it?
but solitude and time to feel
but how to gain that solitude
when you're never alone?

it is so
that i cannot run
from the thing i wish for
the most in this life
stability and love
from a person who cares
wholly, fully, in depth
why is it that i need this
treasured feeling so deeply?
and why is it that prior
to these days i am spending
that when i came close to
that feeling of love and forever
i ran away and with a knife in their backs?
is it fear that paralyzes me to my ends?
or is it the raw feelings of love
that scatter my emotions to the bitter
ends of hades itself?
it is undeniable that i desire love
and it is undeniable that i hope for finality
ease, comfort, passion, someone to hold me
when the seas are really rough
my golden era is approaching
i feel it in the tips of my fingers
i am hopeful.
i am grateful.
i am here.

for the past 8 months
i've been hating myself
for loving you like this
because you don't respect me
you never have, never will
you cheated
you cheated
you cheated
you were "curious"
you were "wondering
if i was the one"
you "wanted to be sure"
in truth, i couldn't see
the tearing down that was occurring
but now that i finally
said
"enough"
i'm sitting here empty
feeling less than enough.
you did a number on me
without me even realizing it
i've got bruises on my ego
on my soul now
who are you to have done this?
is this my karma, my choices
reflected back onto me?
i feel like a mirror of an old person
someone i used to be
battered and broken
when i should be walking on
golden fields of lavender and
smelling sweet kisses of self loving
breezes.
i needed this. i needed to feel this.
for now, somehow
i will truly

accept the love i think i deserve.

i have a vision in my head
of the person you will be
with your long, delicate fingers
and with your love of the sea

i see you in my dreams
daisies sprouting round your feet
for wherever you walk,
there, always the stars meet

aligned in some fashion
the coat of orion bright
and your eyes sparkle gently
in the low, dim lights

i have a vision in my mind
of you, laying across my bed
your body an open book
just waiting to be read.

how i could kiss those lips
so thin and ripe with thought
how i could kiss that forehead
if only this love could be bought

from the store or down the street
i promise, anything i would give
just to have that vision in my head
come right to life and live

why is love so complex
why can't it be freeing
in the way i dream
in the way i see
for love shouldn't be so hard
and yet
i can never seem to get it right
it must be me
i must be the problem.
what is it about myself
that i hate so much that
i would be willing to destroy myself
disrespect myself and others
what is it...
blood under the fingernails
sour breath of death
i haven't the slightest clue
but i just want to be happy.
is that such a difficult thing to ask?