you say you’re too much,
like love is a burden i wasn’t ready to carry.
but i knew what i was doing
when i reached out both those times.

you might unravel some days,
and i won’t flinch.
i won’t fold.
i will gather the thread,
and hold it gently against my heart,
until you can breathe again.

you worry you’re broken,
but i’ve never asked for perfection.
i never needed easy.
i only wanted real.
and you,
in all your aching,
your effort,
your heart that still tries,
you are the most real thing i’ve ever had.

i don’t want someone simpler.
i don’t want someone “less.”
i just want you.

every tangled thought.
every quiet panic.
every soft smile that fights its way through the dark.

i didn’t stumble into this,
i chose you.
on purpose.
and i will choose you again
every time the world asks me to prove it.

You opened me up
I spilled to you
You are always there
All the time
Even it hurt a bit
I thought it would help
To tell someone
But you were never
Really someone
At the end of the day
Your always there
At the end of the day
Your always just
Complicated
Numbers
Beautiful
Numbers
I love
Numbers
But I don't
Know how to
Use them
Correctly
You hurt me
You were two different
people for me
Then you ripped
Both of your masks off
Let me see that your still
A robot

"Why are you looking at me like that?"
He asks
It's because I want to hug him and tell him he's so so lovable
And that he is a boy
But I can't

"I'm happy you're writing again, but I'm sad for you"
I say
I want to cry for him
Take all the hurt
And I know that's crazy
Either way I can't
And I won't

The bad side of caring so much I suppose

I told him I never wanted to see him again
Which I guess was true
I mean that's the logical thing
It's not safe or pleasant
But some part of me is still devastated I suppose
I mean after all he has always existed with me
Even since I was born
He's always technically been there
Even if he was there hurting me

I'm afraid
I'm afraid
I'm afraid of the suicide note he'll leave
"Because of Liana" it will say
Whether it's true or not those words will echo my insides
And later appear as blood pouring down my arm

And part of me is sad too
I wish
**** I wish on every star that he would just be okay
Be there to protect me
A shoulder to cry on
Be a father
Not someone I may need a restraining order for

I carry it around with me everywhere
It chokes me
Wraps it's boney arms around me
Makes my body weak
And makes me not be able to eat

I told him I never wanted to see him again
And I know that it sounds cruel
"Oh, but he's your father!"
But he never was
I wish
Oh how I wish I would never have to utter those words

I want it to be normal that I miss him
Because part of my heart throbs
I want that if I said that those who knew what he'd done would get it
That it would be acceptable
Because right now I do miss him
Or maybe I miss what never was

My reflection in the mirror taunts me
Who could ever love this?
My friends tell me I'm beautiful
But they are just kind
I see my body in mirror
I know that these are lies

In the photo
They are
Extraordinary
And there I am
With my awkward thumbs up
Hideous

"Too big"
My reflection screams at me
"Like your father"
It shouts

I hate myself even though
I am a person who loves
Loves so strongly
So easily
It's so easy for me to love others
But the mirror
Oh the mirror makes me hate me

these people

I can’t see them anymore
I don’t want to see them anymore
I have no desire to see them anymore

I never think about
phoning them or
messaging them or
stopping by to say “hi.”

I don’t care about
what’s happening
in their lives or
who they’re dating
or what memories
we had together

yet they insist, they demand
that I visit them
that I sit down with them
that I talk about nothing important
with them

and I can’t say no

because I know how it feels:

during those times,
when I was down and out
and needed someone
to turn to, to talk to
but there was no one around
I felt the terror & the darkness
constricting my cold and lonely heart
as all the vitality and connection was draining
from my ventricles of ire
like blood from a stone

and so much of that
over a lengthy period of time
has made me a lot stronger,
more independent from people
and maybe even borderline aloof
from all human interaction

I no longer need them
I no longer want them around

but I can’t let anyone
feel that same way
that I felt

so long ago.

pitiful.

Dry tears go down her cheeks,
She wipes some, others still sneak
Down her skin and downriver.

If only I could give her
A reason her collar stays dry.
If only I could tell her why,
Life forces weakness goodbye.

Why else would she laugh,
When she wants to cry?
Why else would she rise,
When she wants to fall?

As she gasps to breathe—  
because crying steals the air.
She turns around and sees
That life just isn’t fair.

If only she knew,
dry tears are real,
She knows all,
yet not her own fear.

If only she knew,
we share the dream:
That every person,
should have a gleam.

She doesn’t know that,
she stands to help.
She doesn’t know that,
She laughs to cry,
Her tears are dry,
And still she tries.

My stomach is a coffin,
Holding each meal.
Waiting to explode out of the casket,
Rejecting what my body needs the most.
My nausea is the funeral,
Coming like waves.
On a stormy day.
Locking me in for hours.
No escape.
My pain is the graveyard.
Bones and ghosts haunt my past
And hurt my future.
They yell and mock,
No matter what they talk.
My brain— the tears,
Running down my face like rain,
As my body feels like a knife plunging into me.
Late nights, and early mornings of shooting, stabbing pain
That won't give up for a second.
No avail.
I don't want to live with this pain,
This nausea,
The throwing up.
My demon mocks, “It got ya.”
The dizzy, and headaches,
The late nights, and early mornings,
The nightmares and flashbacks,
All the times I felt faint,
The time I fainted—
I don't want to live like this.
I need help to find a way.
Whether it's meds, appointments, or therapy,
As long as no one blames it all on something
Completely out of order.
I'm running into a border—
A wall,
A blockage.
I fall.
I trip.
I get shoved.
Will I fit in?
Into this place?
Will I make stupid mistakes?
Will I be betrayed?
Pain is something I don't take lightly.
I used to keep it hidden,
I used to use a mask.
But now that I'm open about it,
People think I'm attention-seeking
When I'm just trying to communicate,
When I don't know exactly how yet.
Sure—I've told lies,
I've made a disguise.
I'm trying to change.
I have made a mistake.
I'm human, I do that sometimes.
I'm willing to take responsibility for my actions.
I just need someone to listen.
Because I'm sick of living in a black hole,
Feeling like a knife is plunging into my stomach with each cramp,
Each sting.
The nausea is the other thing it brings.
I just need someone to listen.
And I need help with many things.
So many…
Like pain.