I was birthed to you
Wrapped in silk so new
The way you held me
You hadn’t had a clue
The love you give now so forced not true
like my lungs are sickly
Like I breathe different air than you do

I was always your doll porcelain and fair
Not another of in the world so rare
Dressed me up, styled my hair
never unsound always in your care
“You’re my daughter and my best friend a pair”

But as I grew older found my own skin to wear
Too big to be a doll and fit in your chair
your once awed stare turned into a glare
I became something you were forced to bear
My fractured lungs now complete with a tear

Swaddled in softness now became harsh
you’re words put into my mouth felt so starch
Left the flowers to die thirsty and parched
Here comes falling the golden arch

My father got his sons bold and strong
secret animosity you held because I couldn’t follow along
always gave me the sense I didn’t belong
Somehow my porcelain was now cracked and wrong

**** the color out of my glass
Porcelain now fragile and frail
A doll afraid and pale
“Don’t fail”
“Pay attention to detail”
But am i even put on the right trail

Every time I speak you stuff my mouth with petals
Built a new doll over again with faulty metals
Set up to certain standards, levels
But what is porcelain without proper trestles

a legacy i couldn’t uphold
Ever since you realized you grew cold
You dropped the porcelain and expected it to stay fair and bold
When it broke you left it to rot and mould
Came back to put it back together
then got displeased when it wouldn’t hold
The cracks you caused now something you scold

I’ve learned to speak with my petal stuffed mouth
Broken glass north and south
Learned to live with you thinking I’m uncouth  
Sinking in your words I’m doused

There isn’t a word I can wail to drown you out
Because there’s just more you’ll shout
The shrieks completing my porcelain with a crack
Maybe this once you’ll wash my back

At every dispute you can hear the porcelains crash
The everlasting bruising rash
So ****** and brash

Obligated to love this broken doll by fate
But all you’ll ever show is dislike and hate
The golden spoon laid by a broken plate
In me, you’ve lost all faith

An old doll’s dress unraveling at the hem
A growing flower cut off at the stem
The slipping dress, the doll you now condemn
The porcelain once bright as a gem

But I’ll die your daughter after all
all you’ll ever see is the dropped doll
every time you look at me it’s all you recall
The only thought that’ll ever fall
You still see her so fair and small
After her name forever you’ll call

You don't want to meet me here
Torn between my hope and fear
A fallen angel lurking near
Is looking for an honest ear
The angels in a demons cloth
Impurities into the wash
A strength of which the weak will watch
When time is at a pricely cost
But you cannot teach the blind to see
Only feel, only be,
An insight that must come from thee:
To absolve the soul; I set it free.

He doesn’t even hear the phone.
His skin is melted to the  bone.
Flicking lighters, getting higher.
He awaits to beg the buyer
To get more, to get more,
His body aches and then it’s sore.
It’s the rush, it’s the sting
All the comfort that it brings
Til it’s gone, til it’s ceased
To his knees. Amen. Now, peace.
Carry on. This isn’t real.
Keep the secret. That’s the deal.
I’ll keep quiet. I will hide it.
I will do my best to fight it.
But the horse is at the water,
I am the lamb and this is slaughter.

i forget, sometimes,
that everyone has their own world
just as full as mine.

that ******* the bus,
she always has blue glitter on her eyelids,
she has someone
she cries over
when it rains.

and that boy,
who laughs a little too loud in the hallways --
he has a grandmother
she calls him every sunday.
he has a playlist
that he never shares.

i forget
that lives unfold around me,
not just mine.
no one else's life
pauses
just because im not
in the same room as them.
they're full of joy,
grief,
midnight cravings,
and rom com dreams
that don't star me.

but tonight?
the warm city lights
look like conversations
ill never hear --
and i remeber.

ohhhhhhh i get it
this is what i deserve!

​I am
Cold to the touch.

I wanted
Too much.

The world in my hand
I was hoping to clutch

I was searching for meaning
My demons convening
In need of the feeling
That kept me from healing

AND SET ME APART.

The only thing beating,
Inside of me, screaming,
From choking to breathing
My heart was left, bleeding.

Collapsed on the pavement
Cement of the basement
Writhing,
I repent.

On this linoleum floor
My angels are dying
And still,

I want more.

I can't cut
No more
No
No
No
I promised

But the feelings are so strong
Overflowing me
I need them to pour down my arm
And out of my body

I can't
I can't be that weak
I just need to breathe
...
My lungs fail me

But no
No
No
I can't reach for it
Not allowed
Not anymore
Done with that, right?
I really just want to grab the knife
Razor
Needle
Anything
And end this misery
At least soothe it a little

But no
No
No
No
I can't

i say i’m sorry
so you know i care.
because silence feels like giving up,
and i’d rather bruise myself with guilt
than make you wonder if i feel anything at all.

i say it
because i don’t know what else to say.
because love doesn’t always come out soft
when it lives in a body like mine.
a body that flinches from closeness,
but aches for it all the same.

i say it
because i break things.
people.
promises.
quiet moments that deserved to stay whole.
and i want you to know
that i see the damage,
that i’m not blind to what i cause.

how long can i be sorry
before i break?

before the guilt becomes a fault line,
and all my trying
just splits me in two?
before the apology
is the only thing left of me?

i say i’m sorry
because i still believe in glue,
in hands that hold,
in second chances.
but i don’t know
how many more times
i can be the one who breaks things
and still expect
to be held.

i say i’m sorry
because i love you.
and i’m terrified
that won’t be enough.

i have a sadness lurking in me
the base of every poem i write
the core of my love
as i give myself papercuts
from your letters
and your poems
and i sit quietly
in the shadow
of your starlight.