I've walked over a thousand bodies of my past
Who I am no longer
I've felt the blood and the decay
I saw them rot
I killed them all
What joy!
I've set fires to myself
And like the Phoenix
I rise, I dance upon my ashes

How odd it is
To be on the outside of understanding
To have your feelings turned into spears
A prescription for hysteria
A life spent being a bin for emotions
Emptied when full
Quiet and strong
But I wondered,
What is at the bottom of an emotion?

New York City
Heavy, baby
Weighs you down
Holds you tight
Straight to the point
No Bull
New York City
Takes the right hand path
Full of logic and wisdom
Heavy, baby
Filled with concrete
Pick up your feet, stand up tall
Look straight ahead, shoulders back
New York City
Jazz and flashing lights
Leading the night

And I began to become obsessed
Obsessed with the vision of love
Observing
The way their pupils dilate when eyes meet
The trickle of a smile slowly drifting across a face
The breathing in of another before a kiss
The symmetry
Not at all of my own
Wanting to understand
Innocently trying to take a little of that energy for myself
To hold it, to feel it
To learn it and study it
Maybe hoping that I could replicate
Whatever I lack

There’s an innocence
In 22
That I’ll probably never meet again
Blind faith meeting blind hope
Carefree meeting careless
The confidence of an undefined brain
Growing harder with age
Men see it too
29 will never be as fun as 22
When the male gaze
Looks past you
Because your head is held higher
And your body is no longer new
Especially to you

You are the wanted one, men strive for you
The serpent of desire,
Urging men to play with fire
They run and chase
But you play games
Like a cat with a string
Until your feet get tired

I wonder what you saw
In that first look
When our eyes met
Maybe our shared loneliness
Urged you to approach
Like you already knew my secrets.
Late nights spent watching old movies of femme fatales and heroes
The sounds of pretty poems and old guitars filling our air instead of words from a thousand unknowns
Staring longingly at ***** lovers on silent trains
Feeling empty in our bellies as we walk home
Alone
To empty beds
Yet our minds are filled with plenty of thoughts to keep us fed
Falling asleep dreaming of the day
Where a you might  meet a me.

Hello hello oh mystery man
It's funny how people meet
Are you the one who fortune told
Would kiss the ground under my feet?
Now let's not get too ahead of ourselves
Wearing our hearts on our sleeves
But I've been waiting for someone to come along
And make a woman out of me
A voice still unheard yet I can already imagine
I'll melt like morning dew
Hello hello my mystery man
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

I spend a lot of my time living in fear
That I am chasing a love
Which always seems
To be avoiding me

Can my life be like poetry?
I already see everything as a movie
And beautiful dramas play out before me
Can every word a I speak be a stanza?
Every yell and complaint a sonnet?
Or what if every time I spoke to you
It was a haiku?
In my body is where the punctuation starts
And my heart is the exclamation mark
Breathing in spaces and commas
Thinking in questions and run on sentences
Dreaming in synonyms and hyperboles
Rhymes about past lives
Inside paragraphs about past loves
Metaphors and similes about people I want to be

Depression must stem from boredom
Or a lack of inspiration
Monotony
Morning rituals and habits
Knowing what's next
Waking up at the same time
In the same bed
Security
Comfort
With little shake here and there
That rolls down your shoulder
Like water on a duck
After which you calmly fall in place
Unbothered
To continue on
Until madness strikes
When you want a change
But continue on
With the same

I've made a lot of mistakes
Trying to **** the pain away
Shedding clothing, like skin
To get to my core
Making love to closed doors
Running away in circles
When you were the only
Straight line I was looking for.

One day my dear,
This will all make sense.
All the lost loves
And little regrets.
Every teardrop in city streets
All the little defeats.
The smiles and the laughs,
Late night dancing in the streets
Things will make sense,
Just give it a little time.
I promise my dear
Everything will be fine.

Now I'm starting to feel a little manic depressive one day I'm happy the next I'm so aggressive who can I be in a world that hates me

Who takes my culture and separated it into two parts the good for money and the bad becomes funny

I was born a monster but you can pay to become a monster too as long as you're eyes are blue

Who taught you how to male gaze?
On a day so hot it could cook an egg...
Was it your father
That told you my legs were ****** fodder?
Or was it your mother
Who said my **** are wild and for someone other than a toddler
Now while I'm proud to a woman
I also walk this earth as human
And your eyes make me despise
Every curve of my thighs
As much as I'm beautiful
My mind is also useful

Who taught you to male gaze
On hot New York days?

In 3 years my days have complied
Into what seems like like 3 weeks
In the city that never sleeps
But it's all I want to do
I haven't even had a chance to blink
Senses become desensitized
To blaring of sirens or the smells of people dying
But I guess we're all dying
The shell of my cancer soul
Has grown thicker and stronger
But not any less blue
My heart has grown more weary
But it still rest on my sleeve
It's wonder how anyone finds themselves
In this concrete time machine
Maybe it's more like losing what you came with and building something new
This city where dreams become reality
And reality becomes you

The airplanes twinkle in the night sky
These are my shooting stars
The city skyline glistens and shimmers
Prettier than Gods creation
I'll make a wish on every one I can make out
I'm not ashamed to admit that flying above all the chaos
Makes it all seem worth it

I'm a walking contradiction
Controlled by my emotions
Unaware of my action
In one ear and out of the other
The words of my friends vs the words of my mother
Who am I really?
Does anyone ever know?
Or do we just lie to ourselves to give the world a show
Ashamed of evolution
Comforted by prediction

New York blues,
I've been looking for you;
The way you make me stare
At someones shoes
Instead of their eyes.
New York blues.
The way you make silence feel
Golden.
New York blues.
The ways you make me nostalgic for people I have never met.
Blues, blues, blues
You make me want to throw away my culture
And forget what my mother taught me,
Make me want a high I've never tried;
You put the world at my fingertips
So shocking!
Lonely, lonely
New York blues.

Howl, howl, howl.

Let me for howl for you

My full moon

Crescent eyes.

I’d fall into every crater of your heart

Thousand of miles away

But in the bright night sky

It ‘s like you're right here

Shining just for me

I’ll be your wolf if you’ll be my coyote

And we can howl to same empty moon.

Kiss the small of my back

And travel up the valleys of my spine

To the hill of my shoulder blades;

Can you feel the scars?

Lay you head on my chest

Listen to my heartbeat

Can you hear the cracks?

I am I am I am

No longer broken

Patience

Is not

Failure, or wasting time

It’s not loneliness or isolation

Patience is not useless

It’s not a setback

Patience is needed and necessary

Patience is appreciating what you've been waiting for

It’s calm, it’s acceptance

It’s happiness and peace

Patience is finding joy in life

While things fall into place

My fingertips
Bleed for you
Every word that I can't say.

Lays your eyes upon me

As if you were wearing blinders

And I am all you can see

I want you to study every detail of my face,

Wondering which mark to kiss first.

Learn me like a map

Taking new routes each day to my heart.

Circle your favorite places with gentle

Fingertips.

Ever since you kissed my lips

All I can think about is having more.

How you’ll think my moans sound

And how you’re body will quiver.

Breaths shortening as I remember

Your lips on my shoulder

And your pants tighten thinking

About my soft skin

My name is Eve when I’m in you presence

And I know you don’t care much about hearts

But I want you to hurt me,

Break me apart.

Love
Seems to be
In the
a
i
r
And I can't hold my breath
Much longer

I’ve had this sickness in my stomach

For a few weeks.

Right in the center

Where the  butterflies should be

I feel like a rotting flower

And love avoids me

I can’t bloom like I used to

I’ve grown old and ugly

I fall in love with every set of lips I’ve ever kissed

And still my heart bubbles up over itself

Like some lovesick teen with dreams

Painted in unrequited fantasies.

How can I miss someone I've never met

Something I've never had?

I can only hope that our paths will cross

You will never be mine, but I still hope

To hear my name leaping off the tip of your tongue

As it meets my mouth.

I felt you so vividly in my dreams

As if I'm leaping dimensions, to a world of our own

A world you've been to; a place to run away.

I could be your perfect secret as you leave me for reality

Please don't leave it all for me.

All my scars are fading

And I’m afraid that I’ll miss them

Nothing left but some raised white lines

I have nothing left to hide

They were beautiful

And I remember them all

My mystery I wanted someone to solve

Now time is running out

Because they are all gone.

There are times
I feel so filled with love,
That it falls from my limbs
Like raindrops.
But I forget,
Not everyone loves the rain.

I want you to read my scars

Like the sentences in your favorite book

And feel my curves like they’re all you can dream about.

I want you to kiss my lips like they are sweetest thing

This awful world has to offer.

I want my name to fall from your mouth

Like a psalm from heavens.

Know my body, I want to be your map to God.

Waking up alone was always the hardest part. Going to parties and ***** downtown bars only intensified her loneliness. The stares, the cat calls. Everyone admired her appearance (she was asking for it) but no one wanted to know her. Some days days her loneliness grew into bitterness other days were worst. She would've had a sense of  abandonment if anyone stay in her life long enough to abandon her.

There was a void in her life. A hallow feeling that couldn't be filled with drugs or *** or music. She fell hard and fast for the boys who looked at her in the eyes and talked about ideas and thoughts and opinions. Anyone could be her one and only (she was nobody’s anything). It’s as if someone had a timer on her romantic endeavors and turned it before all the sand hit the bottom. She felt cheated; life was playing a ***** trick.

“We accept the love we think we deserve” she had read in a book once and it had stuck to her brain like magnets to fake jewelry. She found love at nighttime or across state lines and oceans. She found love in the men who could never love her as much as they loved their money or their wives. She found love in the men who only prayed when angels floated up their noses. It wasn't what she deserved but it’s what she got.

The symbol of my culture

One I've yet to meet.

My mother always told me "You're just like you Father"

The one I've yet to meet.

Still I pray I find some culture, where all this land seems to be

Now I don't know Spanish , but I've got the face of a queen.

Just like a bag of rice

Mix me up, mix me up

I come together nicely

Until I'm all dried up

I know that I love you by the way

You creep into my thoughts

As the day creeps through my window.

I know because all the flowers smell like you

And as they bloom I see your face

A love as easy a the change of seasons

Subtle but I can feel it.

Like the way my hair stands on end when your voice

Touches my ears

In a few more years I see myself playing the piano-drunk

And signing on tabletops.

In a few more years I see myself kissing strangers and falling out of love

Or back in.

In a few more years I see myself learning to swim

And jumping off cliffs praying that I live.

Nothing is worse
Than letting someone get away
With breaking your heart.