feel

I’ve forgotten how to

        My nerves are on fire but I
        don’t understand what it means

Do something
Give me

        Give me *anything

I need a way out
I need to feel

Pixels are shouting at me and

        I think I’m going deaf
        please help

I know who did what and when

        I know you
        I know your ups and downs and dreams and fears

I am the ultimate ******

        And so are you

And I don’t know how to
I don’t know how to stop

        Make it stop
        Give me anything

Something real
Something physical

        Give me pain
        needles and knives and back-alley mistakes

Rough brickwork bruising a back

        Is it my back? I
        can’t tell anymore give me more

Cement scraping skin from fat from muscle from bone

        What does marrow taste like?
        Google it

Blood pouring from eyes but
we’ve seen worse in CoD

        Give me more

Rip the bones from the flesh through a hole in the skin
Taste the inside of a tongue

        Let’s practice Frenching

I can’t tell anymore is this pain or
is it pleasure is it hunger or satiation

        Spellcheck

Is this death or is it euphoria

        *Why should I care

I will weave words
Into a tapestry of fire
To set the world alight
And I will hide a murderer in the ocean
Until the scorched earth is nothing but ash
And then I will bring my killer out
And put a knife in his hand
And I will call myself God.

My murderer will populate the earth
With deranged solitude
For I have saved only him
And he is the only one walking the world.
And in his madness he will call out to me
And ask me to bestow upon him another creature
As did the God of the former world.
And I will laugh at him
And give him a dagger
And watch as his crimson blood sinks into the unforgiving ash
And disappears without a trace.

I will watch as new life forms in his decaying putrid flesh
From the bacteria that remained in the air all along
And I will smile as it develops
As it has done before
Through evolutions and stages I’d learned so long ago
And this new life will gain a voice
And with its simple pure language
It will call me God.

Oh, you’re so cute
You think you can fix it
You think you can find a magic word
To make it **** and fly away

How about as you writhe and scream
You’re not as cute starved half to death
Shall I gorge you now
On the finest food around?

Where are your magic words now, little miss?
You’ve lost them, haven’t you
Tsk tsk
And it’s not yet poofed and flown away.

You’re no longer cute, not in the least
Do you hate the child you were?
The child whose search for magic words
Led it right into the eager maw of the world

Now you’ve given up each shred of hope
Soon I’m sure you’ll rise to my throne of taunts
But before you go, so thoroughly beaten
There’s one last little thing I must tell you.

There was a word
It was there all along
The abracadabra you sought for so long
Now!

Away to your kingdom of torture and lies
I know you’ll enjoy it, as I have mine
And remember that word that you’ll never find
For it will inflict on your subjects the keenest pain they’ll ever know.

He’s got a noose around his neck

She’s a needle in her arm

In his veins equations flow instead of blood.

She has a bit inside her mouth,

Reins held firmly by her boyfriend

And this one’s nose is always tucked inside a book

Even as the bruises form.

-

Two broken parts don’t make a whole

Whoever says that’s just a fool

The whole’s the sum of the parts but the parts can’t fit together

And the people wander hopelessly, each with a personal brand of tragedy

-

The one with the noose used it at last and

Gave the noose to the one with the needle.

The needle went to the one biting the bit

Who couldn’t’ve broke the reins without its sweet poison tip in her vein.

The equations turned to blood with the help a girl who then broke and harnessed him;

The bit is his now.

And bruises have turned into broken bones

As his nose stays denying in the book.

I will be a failure where ever I go;
I know because the voices always tell me so.
They say there's a solution that I already know;
I must lay my head at last upon that final graveyard pillow.

You are not water to me, and I do not feel parched without you.

Yet something hurts with you gone.

You are not sunlight to me, and I do not wither away without you.

Yet something hurts when you’re gone.

You are not the only joy in my life, and I can still feel happiness without you.

Yet I feel less of it now you are gone.

You did not soothe my pain away.

But when you left, you left more.

I cannot tell what you have hurt. When I try to focus on its location, it rises like an enormous wave to engulf me, and I must abandon academic inquires in favor of fighting for survival, to keep breathing, not to drown.

The pain you gave me in place of yourself is unquantifiable and all the worse for that.

I cannot identify it, sort it away in a cold clinical category and leave it.

It is untamed, and nothing I do will train it. It does as it wants and drags me in its wake.

You took yourself away and, knowingly and purposefully, put in your place an unpredictable and frightening beast.

And if you offered to come back, I would not hesitate a moment in accepting.

I see you and I laugh and smile; I see you and I cry.
You see me when I laugh and smile; you never see me cry.
You shall not see me cry because my tears run em'rald green,
And it's an embarrassing thing to be jealous of others' joy.

Once my tears ran golden yellow, as always when in delight.
Then my tears ran dark reds and blues, because anger and
Melancholy are always nigh when my tears run yellow for a time.
They never stay yellow for long.

The reds and blues dissolve to green
Just as they always do.
And sometimes they're clear with no color at all.
Those are my favorite, because numbness is best.

One day

This will all be worth it

Because the rain continues falling,

And the sun, 93 million miles away,

Continues burning at temperatures that

When they reach our place 93 million miles away

Have cooled to just the right temperature to keep us alive

And if that’s not some **** good luck then I don’t know what is.

You sit over the water
The concrete bridge feels good underneath you
Solid
As your feet dangle over nothingness.

Staring at the water, through the water
At the blank that lies at the bottom
A blink of your eye and an eternity’s passed
The water has turned into ice.

You can see shadows passing under the frozen surface
Those who were quicker, more lucky than you
The night has fallen but the moon lights the way
As the concrete freezes beneath you.

Your hands move for the first time in the blink of an eye, an eternity
To the edge of the bridge, ready to push
Your arms move with them, tensing to push
Then the rest of you moves, for you have pushed.

Then you’re falling to the ice
Which is turning back to water, ready to envelope you
The shadows swirl in welcoming excitement
You wonder how it will feel to join them.

Now you’re close enough to see their suddenly ghoulish faces
Bared teeth and groping talons grabbing eagerly
As ice tears stream down your face
For this is what you’ve condemned yourself to.

Your eyes are open but you don’t see it coming
It catches you, instead of the tearing claws and gnashing teeth.
Gray feathered wings twice your size on both sides
Your tears thaw to water as you sob at the warmth.

It carries you, with its warmth,
Its wings beating down on both sides
You cry water tears into the soft heat until there’s nothing left to cry or freeze
Then you lift your face and see where it’s taken you.

There are deep reds, soft blues, warm yellows
They swirl calmly with royal purples and playful greens
The sound of the wings at your side
Intertwines with the colors to make a slowly whirling soft sigh of music

You blink, and an eternity passes
The sighing colors have left now
You’re again on the bridge
The frozen gray bridge.

But it’s no longer gray –
The night sky and water not black.
The colors are still in your eyes, they sigh in your ear and illuminate everything
Making the familiar surroundings brand new and remarkable.

You go home smiling,
Your live your life smiling,
For the colors are always whispering
Always sighing in your ear.

You die many years later
With white hair, a raspy voice, and a smile still on your face.
As you take your last breath
You rise from your body and lift your new wings

Flying to catch the one falling to the water
Then to the sighing swirling colors
Back over the water, smiling,
Flying to go catch another.

Shall I now write you a ******* sonnet?
Sonnet: A fourteen line poem ‘bout love.
Well, girl, I’ll stick a bee in your bonnet;
This isn’t a ******* pure clean white dove.
Love will burn your soul from the outside in,
It rips out your heart and chews it to mush.
First time she smiles, that’s when it’ll begin –
And you’re lost, that first time you see her blush.
People tell you it’s worth it, that it’ll
Ring true in the end. The thing ‘bout that is
They’ll tell you this, and little by little,
Your heart turns brittle, then breaks when the miss
Just taps it.  My lesson, should you want it:
Don’t get near anyone. Love is all ****.

a drop of water rolls

down my nose like

a teardrop

as i dance in the rain

laughing

at how pointless it all is.