feel

I’ve forgotten how to

        My nerves are on fire but I
        don’t understand what it means

Do something
Give me

        Give me *anything

I need a way out
I need to feel

Pixels are shouting at me and

        I think I’m going deaf
        please help

I know who did what and when

        I know you
        I know your ups and downs and dreams and fears

I am the ultimate ******

        And so are you

And I don’t know how to
I don’t know how to stop

        Make it stop
        Give me anything

Something real
Something physical

        Give me pain
        needles and knives and back-alley mistakes

Rough brickwork bruising a back

        Is it my back? I
        can’t tell anymore give me more

Cement scraping skin from fat from muscle from bone

        What does marrow taste like?
        Google it

Blood pouring from eyes but
we’ve seen worse in CoD

        Give me more

Rip the bones from the flesh through a hole in the skin
Taste the inside of a tongue

        Let’s practice Frenching

I can’t tell anymore is this pain or
is it pleasure is it hunger or satiation

        Spellcheck

Is this death or is it euphoria

        *Why should I care

I will weave words
Into a tapestry of fire
To set the world alight
And I will hide a murderer in the ocean
Until the scorched earth is nothing but ash
And then I will bring my killer out
And put a knife in his hand
And I will call myself God.

My murderer will populate the earth
With deranged solitude
For I have saved only him
And he is the only one walking the world.
And in his madness he will call out to me
And ask me to bestow upon him another creature
As did the God of the former world.
And I will laugh at him
And give him a dagger
And watch as his crimson blood sinks into the unforgiving ash
And disappears without a trace.

I will watch as new life forms in his decaying putrid flesh
From the bacteria that remained in the air all along
And I will smile as it develops
As it has done before
Through evolutions and stages I’d learned so long ago
And this new life will gain a voice
And with its simple pure language
It will call me God.

Oh, you’re so cute
You think you can fix it
You think you can find a magic word
To make it **** and fly away

How about as you writhe and scream
You’re not as cute starved half to death
Shall I gorge you now
On the finest food around?

Where are your magic words now, little miss?
You’ve lost them, haven’t you
Tsk tsk
And it’s not yet poofed and flown away.

You’re no longer cute, not in the least
Do you hate the child you were?
The child whose search for magic words
Led it right into the eager maw of the world

Now you’ve given up each shred of hope
Soon I’m sure you’ll rise to my throne of taunts
But before you go, so thoroughly beaten
There’s one last little thing I must tell you.

There was a word
It was there all along
The abracadabra you sought for so long
Now!

Away to your kingdom of torture and lies
I know you’ll enjoy it, as I have mine
And remember that word that you’ll never find
For it will inflict on your subjects the keenest pain they’ll ever know.

He’s got a noose around his neck

She’s a needle in her arm

In his veins equations flow instead of blood.

She has a bit inside her mouth,

Reins held firmly by her boyfriend

And this one’s nose is always tucked inside a book

Even as the bruises form.

-

Two broken parts don’t make a whole

Whoever says that’s just a fool

The whole’s the sum of the parts but the parts can’t fit together

And the people wander hopelessly, each with a personal brand of tragedy

-

The one with the noose used it at last and

Gave the noose to the one with the needle.

The needle went to the one biting the bit

Who couldn’t’ve broke the reins without its sweet poison tip in her vein.

The equations turned to blood with the help a girl who then broke and harnessed him;

The bit is his now.

And bruises have turned into broken bones

As his nose stays denying in the book.

I will be a failure where ever I go;
I know because the voices always tell me so.
They say there's a solution that I already know;
I must lay my head at last upon that final graveyard pillow.

You are not water to me, and I do not feel parched without you.

Yet something hurts with you gone.

You are not sunlight to me, and I do not wither away without you.

Yet something hurts when you’re gone.

You are not the only joy in my life, and I can still feel happiness without you.

Yet I feel less of it now you are gone.

You did not soothe my pain away.

But when you left, you left more.

I cannot tell what you have hurt. When I try to focus on its location, it rises like an enormous wave to engulf me, and I must abandon academic inquires in favor of fighting for survival, to keep breathing, not to drown.

The pain you gave me in place of yourself is unquantifiable and all the worse for that.

I cannot identify it, sort it away in a cold clinical category and leave it.

It is untamed, and nothing I do will train it. It does as it wants and drags me in its wake.

You took yourself away and, knowingly and purposefully, put in your place an unpredictable and frightening beast.

And if you offered to come back, I would not hesitate a moment in accepting.

I see you and I laugh and smile; I see you and I cry.
You see me when I laugh and smile; you never see me cry.
You shall not see me cry because my tears run em'rald green,
And it's an embarrassing thing to be jealous of others' joy.

Once my tears ran golden yellow, as always when in delight.
Then my tears ran dark reds and blues, because anger and
Melancholy are always nigh when my tears run yellow for a time.
They never stay yellow for long.

The reds and blues dissolve to green
Just as they always do.
And sometimes they're clear with no color at all.
Those are my favorite, because numbness is best.