Perhaps I lost a part of myself…
         I feel like… I’m missing pieces of me.
Seems as though due to all my truth, I’ve turned into a lie
        I was once more hyper in my expression in life
Always ready for the next bit of innocent fun…
       Not the next night spent in a drunken blunder
Laid up under the covers as the sun rises
      And lashes out bright rays upon my chest
I just wonder
      Where did my pieces go?
May I recapture them...in another moment,
       In time?
Is it too late?
      I want to gain knowledge, and experience
As well as grow in myself, as I get older
      Not lose who I once was…to the years passing by
I hope to guide,
      My withering hands
To a far off land,
      A land that I can only recollect memories of in my dreams
That’s how extreme I want my life to be.

Words on the screen,
When they are lacking
I want to scream

Words on the screen
They are my life now
They are what bind me together

Words on the screen,
Etching forth
Consuming me

Words on the screen
They aren't much to live for
I need more

Words on the screen,
They cannot soothe me
Or keep me warm

Words on the screen
The empty screen
This time
Bring me chills

Words on the screen,
They are so much more
Than they seem

The less I feel
The less I hate

The less I breathe
The less air I take

The less I see
The less I need

There is a sad, sad girl
Named Eliza Jane
Who is full of pain
She cries buckets of tears at night
That no one can hear
But she feels them
The sobs cascade upon her
Like a massive wave
That crashes her deeper
And deeper into the darkness

She feels she is drowning
She can't take much more
The pain is too great

There is a man that lays next to her
Consumed in his own dreams
He sleeps calmly
And easily
While she weeps

Her resolve during daylight
Is a huge masquerade
She keeps a smile on her face for the public eye
But when the lights go dim
Her heart breaks softly
Night after night  

She doesn't feel loved,
Not by him

If only someone could take her away, she breathes
If only someone could love her the right way, she dreams

Dec.2014

My demeanor broke
With that one snap,
It was lost that day
Gone for good

My innocence washed away,
The screams vibrated the walls
Your fists tore into the unfinished paint,
The door snapped
You threw it across the floor
Your anger filled the room
Cast in my direction

The numbers that claimed the house
They were already yellow,
As if it knew something I didn't
That there was only decay inside
That I should have stayed away

I was never the one to fix your pain
I was the battered end of a stick
That you swung at often,
With your broken speak
Your hateful language
Of pain that I never caused

The anger billowed from you
Like a forest fire
Not contained
Never quite contained
To burn
And burn,
The innocence I had before you

Here I am,
reminiscing of times I've spent with you,
journeys we have taken
moments we have shared

I was simply unaware
of what was to come,
of how my mind would consume me,
and only let me see one side,
to the story of our life together

It's all jumbled up,
in photos
those times that I can see clearly now

It's as if I was looking at us
through a foggy glass
Unappreciative of the comfort,
the safety,
and the love

I fear,
it cannot be undone

But, I sigh
it's a great relief to have loved

It's hard with you being away
I want to enjoy the day,
but I can't knowing this pain

I lay here,
just typing these words
like it will somehow delay
what is to come of us

I swear, I haven't strayed
and that's been hard to say
for others before you

Things with us
have been like fire and ice
and I've personally liked it that way

I've never felt so warm,
and so cold at the same time

Clashing over and over
we are broken souls, and yet

I've never felt such ecstasy,
my level of pleasure
has never been so high
not with anyone, ever

If there was such a time
in my life
to forgive someone,
the time is now

It escapes me,
the reasons to hate you
It escapes me,
the reasons to latch on
to what's been done
to what's been discovered
emptied, and won

I forget
the kind words that
you've spoken to me
before on this very dock
as the birds make their sound

Once you've brought out
your angry grimace,
and you've said things that
are as cold as the water beneath us

I brought us here
to repair what's become
broken, but as I write this
I realized I've been here before

Not the same location,
but the same pain

02.23.16

It's dreadfully cold,
down here at the end of this well
I'm wishing that someone would come by,
and bring me back up to the surface,
but here it is,
the rain has begun
to come my way

As if, I needed anymore
gloom in my day,
the rain has really settled
it's way down
bringing a chill to my spine

I've already fallen down so far,
it's little bit lonely,
here below the ground

I can't even see the sky,
it's so dark,
as if there was a black sheet of smoldered smoke
rising up from the water at my feet
knocking out the light

I found my way here,
by mistake

I had intended for much more,
than this hate

It's erupted to the point
that I have to live in this
emptiness,
down beneath the land that I know
down so far,
where no angels would sleep

09.17.15 12:17 AM

You're missed, by me
If that wasn't clear today,
It should be

This aching,
the longing
it's awful
and it's been going
on for over a decade

Why did we have to be so young and dumb?
I hate that me

That me ******* up everything,
I know it wasn't truly all my doing

Life got in the way,
I had no idea of my true feelings
until it was far too late

You kept up the charade for longer than I could have
You had such patience,
that I am still in awe of

She's the lucky one now,
I've got a lifetime of memories that I'm sitting on,
while she's got you, physically

I'm tortured
like a rescue animal
with no visual damage

I'm that girl looking through the curtains for a wave from a neighbor,
a sign that anyone is out there to care for her

I'm here in tears
with a heavy heart
laying under a dark mask
that I only uncover in the night

In the days,
I keep the pain concealed and put a smile where the sadness should be

I feel this weight upon me,
it's pressing so hard this week
I really can't breathe

I want nothing more than to scream out my woes for someone to hear,
but there's nothing, only air that appears

Perhaps one day
We can start anew
Because boy,
I never imagined my life without you
Back when we were fifteen,
You were all that I dreamed
Could ever be

Over the years,
We've become separate,
But never have we forgotten
The love that we shared

-08.20.13

I'm following in my own footsteps,
Repeating history
You'd think it was a joke
If I told you the whole truth

My tales are like a really ****** up television show
It's hard to say what motivates me
Other than lust,
And a need for love

I can't say that I regret what I've done
I've had quite a lot of fun

But I've wronged a few men in my day
Gave them every reason to run
They return, simply yearning for more
Until I tell them, they aren't the chosen one

It's rough, I know I've been bad
I've been awful

I do feel sorry for hurting anyone,
But **** I never told them to feel any emotions for me
I just wanted to have a little fun
Be carefree

And maybe that's my issue
I show my true colors to those who I fancy for a moment
But I don't want more than a few rolls in the hay,
A warm night atop some young stud

This seems to get them all excited
As if I am always down for a good time
As if I never have my bad days
As if I could carry us through a field full of freshly blooming daisies every day of our lives

These guys are dreaming
If they believe that

I'm just around for the moment
I'm not here to plant seeds

I meddle with this feeling,

that goes around and around

masking what lies underneath

03.23.20

Restless indeed
Never mind the sleep I need
I can't just lie here any longer
I need to get up
Move myself about
Make a change

2.22.21

One day you'll find the one
And I'll be a sitting duck
Waiting for scraps the tourist leave

I always thought you were a fling
That you weren't right for me

04.14.21

I could be screaming loud enough
to make birds fly from the trees
and still, you would not hear me

12.09.17

I hide it
like the clouds hide the moon

I hide it
so I can pretend that I'm sunshine
instead of gloom

09.28.20

You were never my safe place

You were the dew leftover
early in the morning,
on a brisk windy mountain
slick from storm the night before
asking me to fall over the edge
in my usual clumsy way

I was fooling myself from the start
Hoping you could be that safe place for me,
but you were never meant to be

You caused turmoil
and hate to boil up

I can't seem to forgive myself
for letting you get under my skin

09.13.16

Sobbing, my mother turned me over to you
Ever so gently you nestled my body into your arms
Silence, I was home

09.14.17