Your love for me is a loud silence

"I held your hand for 39 years, because
i felt the heat of your Heart.
Only a fool would let go."

Such a complicated thing.
I just want to write of how the waves move me,
How I have slept for years to the cricket’s song,
When my eyes flood as the fields did the same,
How my hips move when the horn begins to play,
The feeling when the eyes are heavy and the belly full,
I’ve been trying to learn the most direct path to these complexities
But the roads always blur, and my throat does not know the words

I kept waiting
But all these rainstorms
Never gave way
To a single rainbow
And I could say
A thousand words
But the ones
That matter most
Are what I don't allow myself
To utter ..


I kept waiting,
At the crossroads
But no grand intervention
Told me
Which way to go
So I blindfolded myself,
And walked on,
By the time, I realised
You were on the other road,
I was too far in,
To ever be out.

I keep writing,
About all these unrequited loves,
But the one brown eyed love I loved,
Was the one thing,
I chose to walk away from,
And all these feelings I morph
Into literary arts,
Can never compensate,
For the loss I endured

But, life must carry on,
And so do I
With a burden tied to my heart
and a knife poking through my ribs.

you don't understand at all do you
not truly
you think
I'm a liar
that I still hold the knife
that
stabbed you in the back
[and in the heart]

kinda speechless
that you feel that way
think that way
believe it
untrustworthy? misleading?
false emotions?
can you not read?
here let me try again
maybe I can make it like braille
feel the words

it's like when the clouds stormy eyes
welled up and let fall the
tears of weekend rain
soggy, we laughed along with the thunder
and under our waterfall we let the windows
fog
tell me I lied then

or picture if you will
standing by the tree I
always parked by
it was a starry night, but we didn't see it
we were too focused on our faces
except
why is it I was the only one
drowning in the sadness that overtook my eyes
shaking with each strained, choppy breath
clutching that gray shirt like a life jacket
do you think that was all
for show?

haven't you looked at
my collection of black and white
silly letters scribbled down as fast as possible
trying as hard as I can
to leave it all
on the paper
but it's as if each word I write
is a tattoo
slowly invading every part of my skin
it's sinking in, it's staining everything
do you think this agony I speak of
is fake?

if so
if I am that liar with the knife who
led you astray and "******* you over"
let you down, kicked you around
if you can't seem to
open your eyes
and notice
just how much I love you
just how much I always have

then you don't deserve it

ill run miles for you when I know I only
have the strength for one
but don't you
dare
watch me run
if you don't even grasp
that I stabbed myself in the back
led myself astray

you have a right to
hate the wound
but if you can't see
what I feel
one day
I will learn
that I have to let go
and I will

then all these silly letters
all for you

well. go ahead and throw them away
on that day
they will carry no life
anymore

a sad pair of human beings
connected under the same sky
but never to each other

In a relationship
I'm not equipped
I'm too empathic,
The change is drastic
When in a union
I become a chameleon
I adapt
Till I'm trapped
I give to live
Until I find
My mind
Is gone again
I push away
My love it strays
In a daze
Stumbling
Fumbling
We're done
I run
To find clarity
My identity
Alone
At home
I yearn
To learn
Solidarity
Sincerity
For me
To be
Able to see
Entirely
My identity
As a singular
Entity
You see
It's not you
It's me
That needs
Protection
From your affection
That I lose
When I choose
Not to mingle
I need to be
Single