Take these drugs to ease the pain

Not of your mouth but of your brain

And into the downward spiral I fall

Because what's stopping me?

Nothing. Nothing at all

And I fall and fall

Into the despair that catches me

That fabricates its all

It's only blackness we see

But one more pill one more fill

And those hallucinations could be at a slight spill



Wake up! Wake up!

Can't you hear it calling your name?

Wake up! Wake Up!

Can't you feel it worming into your brain?

Images of gas-chamber mobs

Crawling inside the darkest parts of your sobs



Take these drugs to ease the pain

Not of your mouth but of your brain

"Feel better, feel better," they say

But you can't seem to get those rotten images to go away

Three days absent of sleep.
Three days deprived of food.
Three days without direction, function, and moral collection.
Three days spent swallowed whole in the depths of plausible correction.

Oh my sweet, I fear no fate can contain this inevitable fear
buried tightly within my chest.
Concaved isolation,
bitterness consumed the best of me.

72 hours of solitariness.
72 hours of repression.
72 hours of apprehension.
72 hours of loss of consciousness.

Whispers of evergreens
chant to me.
Beige stained sheets become
nothing more than a distant memory.

Three months without you.
Three months desperate for lips,
which once caressed my *******.
Three months stripped of scalloped palms, and
crazed for circles traced across my neck.
Three months craving ocean eyes
softly speaking, “we’ll be alright.”

Warm baths filled to the brim
creamy, and delicate skins
while Chopin’s ballad danced in the twilight.
Forever delude us.
Forever spoil us.

Still 13 weeks without you.
13 weeks craving the vibrations of gentle breath,
humming me to sleep, silently sooth me.
13 weeks without fingertips tangling fine locks,
morphing into screams of our names
13 weeks without sideways smiles,
rich and modest, but assertive with simple grins.
13 weeks lusting after charcoal hair nuzzled in my chest,
Alluring arms wrapped around me.

The burden of our romance weighs my mind.
Yet, let us go make our visit, I say
to yellow smoke that lingers on streets and window-panes.
It’s time for indecisions, maybe a hundred visions with
Intoxication to bury us, exhilaration to uncover us.
There will be time to wonder, “Do I dare?
Do I dare fall back into the abyss of my mind?”
There will be time,
‘till voices wake us.

Do you ever feel as if you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, with one foot over the edge, waiting for someone to push you?

Or maybe the things you want in your life aren’t really plausible?  That they’re just dreams you’ve held onto from the time of infancy? That you’re just clinging to them, because you’re too afraid of joining the world humans have created?

Do you ever feel those you’ve surrounded yourself with don’t really give two ***** about? Whether you live or die, because either they’re too selfish, you’re too selfish, or neither? Maybe you’ve just outgrown the other, but can’t dream of leaving them behind? Maybe you were close at one time, but the years have worn away, and it feels as if a stranger is staring you both in the face?

Do you ever feel as if you see the world as this beautiful, sensual, dream like setting you’ve been blessed with? But then you realize people are the ****** up, cruel reason why the world’s considered cold? Do you ever feel relaxed sitting in a field; watching, observing, and perplexed by the world outside your own? Do you ever realize your own life causes more damage to the world than of use?

Do you ever wonder why millions of particles, of atoms, of molecules molded together to create what is now considered you?

Do you ever feel a sense of dread so heavy, it paralyzes you? Traps you to the bed, holds you down, and smothers you?

Do you ever wonder at all?

Suffocating.

That’s it.

My chest is drowning

In something that hasn’t dawned

Upon me yet.

Oh wait, crawl here.

I need to hear that heart beat behind your chest.

Don’t stop yet.

Baby, touch there, yes.

There…

Baby. Wait, I can’t breathe

I’m swallowing these words I need to speak!

Our lungs are filling up with that Black Death

And there’s fluid sealing me up

Spilling me up

Aren’t you there yet?

Come here. Calm down. Relax, and breathe.

Baby, feel me there. Rightthere.

We haven’t got it just yet.

Choking me,

These words are caving down upon my chest

Can’t get it out, I can’t get them out!

No

Baby. Don’t stop. We’re almost there

But not quite yet.

As looked into the mirror this morning
A person I did not recognize was staring back at me

A stranger, with conviction was gazing up at me
Piercing my face with disturbance and pleasure
I think I was horrified.
Mortified.
Because that wasn’t me

I am not sure where I went,
Where my face had gone
Nevertheless, it seemed to be a mystery

Washing my face,
Pulling my hair
I could not get that image out of my head.

Where could I be?
What is happening to me?
There’s a giant, gaping hole in the middle of this chest
Where my heart should be.

I am not sure where I am going,
Who I am hurting
Or, well, I am unsure of everything surrounding me.

However, maybe these are thoughts we all share
Inwardly
Because saying them out loud is too much to bear

Splashing water onto my face,
I reassured myself, convincing myself that I could move forward
Push past all of these insecurities

Patting my face with the towel,
Standing straight to the mirror
I noticed the person starring back
Was me.

I keep having this reoccurring dream.

I wake up, it is daylight, but I am under white sheets. Because I am on my side, I role over, and these beautiful big blue eyes are looking down at me.

There's a smile covered with whiskers, and blond ***** hair surrounding his face.

The imperfect teeth say something I cannot quite make out, and then his callused hands reach around my naked body pulling me closer to him. He is sweaty, but smells of rain and mint.

The sun shines through the shades, brightening up the blond hair on his chest, and icing out his baby blue eyes. I am speechless. He smirks.

His hand pulls my mouth up to his. I shyly pull away, and roll to my back. He rolls on top.

The clouds are barely parting outside the window. He looks down at me, his golden hair draping over his face while he rests his weight on the hands that he's place on both sides of me.

He calls me beautiful. I blush. He leans down slowly, and intensely kisses me.

I lift my hands to run through his beautiful hair, as he pulls away, continuing with a trail of small pecks along my sternum.

He stops at my *******, traces them. Traces every inch of my body, touching the scars and the imperfections. He stops when he reaches my wrist. He runs his rough fingers over my tender skin. He does this for a few minutes.

I let him.

Slowly, he returns the gaze back to mine, and those icy wonderments melt my heart. I can see tears fighting their way out, but he would never let me see them. He does his best to show the emotion he is feeling through them.

I took away, too afraid of what connection we might find.

He puts his head down, cupping my sides with his overly large hands. He kisses my stomach, and then quickly pulls me to his head level.

He tells me he loves me. His voice sounds like angels.

I say I know.

His rest his head on my chest, while I tangle my fingers with his soft hair. His whiskers tickle, but I love it.

We stay like this for a while. I know this because I watched the sunlight change through the shades on the window.

Finally, he looks up at me again. Our eyes lock. It seems as if time as stopped and the world has stopped moving. It is as if we pulled away, we both realize that this moment would be gone. This one innocent and beautiful moment, it all would vanish.

He leans down, and kisses me so intimately.  

We make love, and right as we are about to ******,

I wake up.

The dream is over.

And I am alone.

I dreamed this day would come, when I knew I’d see you again.

Whether it be in my dreams, or just a random passing by, I knew I would find you again.

I hope this path that we’re on will keep us together,

Because my soul can only be complete with you lying next to me.

I am not sure how much more I can keep waking up like this

Stuck in this infinite abyss of the darkness of my mind.

Subconsciously, I regret every decision I made leading up to your disappearance.

But consciously, my pride won’t let this be.

Without you, my ambition fires its way through this emptiness I constantly feel.

But then I am struck with just the slightest glimpse of what could have been with you, and my world seems to crumble around itself.

I am not ashamed to say that I miss you, but hopefully destiny has bigger plans in store for me.

If only I had the opportunity to say these things to you before you traveled up the sea

If only I could retrace every freckle, every line, every scar on your body

If only the people around me did not influence me as they did,

Maybe our worlds would have been different. Maybe I would still be able to feel you on my skin.

Maybe…

I dreamed this day would come, when I knew I’d see you again.

Whether it be in my dreams, Or just a random passing by

I knew there was still something missing.

I hope you can see.

And there once was a day when I took a drive
Drove hundreds of miles
Back to the place where we first met
Back to the street you swept me off my feet
And I can still hear your voice
Vibrating through the halls
Can still see the breath
Drifting from your lips
Those ripped jeans
And over sized shoes
But nothing compares to the look you gave me
The glitter in your eye you tried to hold onto
I knew then, you'd be somehow significant to me
And here I am
Driving hundreds of miles
Racing away from these feelings that overwhelm me
Only to know
You never deserved me

A yearning creeps inside
Subtly
It sits
Patiently waiting
To be the death of me
I want what they have
But I feel what they refuse to see
Envy, green as grass, has slipped over me
Cursed with knowledge,
While blessed with bliss
I watch, craving the connections
They seem to make so easily

Hello beautiful
It’s been a while
Been too long I must say
We’ve been here before
You and I
And I do not know where this path is going
Maybe just you and I
Just you and I
Maybe it’ll be sweet
Oh so bitter sweet
Maybe it’ll be cold
Oh so dark and cold
But maybe it will be
Just you and I
Tonight

And that’s all

But maybe that's all we need

that feeling you get

in the soft rain

the clarity welcomed

by the inhale of each puff of that cigarette

that feeling you get

in the soft rain

the regret shredded

by each inhale of that cigarette