stheyre goingto find me
thosefeelingsi tried to leavebehing but theyy sswoulndt leave me.

theywalk beside me in thesunlgith sheileding their eyes
and in the darktheysmile stroking my hair

sayingyou;re n o t e n o u g h enunciating eachwordhisssssing
whispers

never ever ever enough youcould ne v  e   r be en o ugh
too much at the same timg like please picka ******* feeling

shes an oldfriend thistype oflonliness
i know her well
.

7.8.25 (17:28)
i'm hoping to move on
hoping to get over you.

just like the two girls before,
i just think maybe you were that flash of brilliance
a moment like light on water
before the rainbow fades
and we are back to just you and me again.

i'm hoping to move on from you,
not the way that means i'm leaving, but the way
that means
well
i don't know

i can promise you
it will be okay
and that's what i never could say before.

i wish you'd write back to me 7.19.25 5:39 pm /17:39
oh, -------,
sometimes i wish you would write a letter back to me.

sometimes i wish you would log onto your old macbook
instinctively go to hellopoetry.com
type in my ariana grande username
find me and my words
find it, these lost sentences,
these trembling letters
i've been trying to send you.

i see why you don't-
the fear that maybe,
one day,
we will wake up and realize we don't love each other
that we don't know each other like we think
we do.

i haven't sent you a letter
because i don't want you to know but i want you to know
that i love you
but what if, what if, what if
one day i don't?

the uncertainty of being not torn apart
but drifting
finding someone new and
figuring out ourselves, finally,
finding that we don't need each other anymore.

of course that's not why you love me
or why i love you

i get that
i get that fear.

but you are not afraid
because you don't even know
that this whole time

i have been screaming
your name.

my everything 7.17.25 (6:08 pm / 18:08)
what did i say when you told me everything?
nothing?
everything, too?

is is even important to remember?
or too important?

so
what will you say when i tell you
everything

all my truths and so then all my lies
what will you do?
when you know, when you know, when you know
that you have known nothing
almost all along?

i'm sorry really flipping ******* sorry
i hope you don't mind i stole your words
i hope you don't mind i stole your trust
i hope you don't mind i simply could not make myself tell you

that everything

so
what will you say?

i suppose
let the stars speak for us.

why? 7.17.25 (6:02 pm / 18:02)
why couldn't i tell what that feeling was?
why, when it should have been really ******* obvious?

why, when i could have saved myself so many tears
and sleepless nights
and blood and thoughts and making my home in a dark corner
telling myself i always wasn't enough

too much ugly unloved
unwanted an outsider
never understood or maybe understood too much
i told myself no one ever cared

why

why?
it's because i was happy
and i thought i didn't deserve it

and now i've thrown away that chance

[playing: fearless by taylor swift]

these words 7.7.25 (8:05 pm / 20:05)
these words are all i could get out today
i really thought i had more to say