Tuesday, December 5, 2017

i am trying to write about you,
but i am not angry or sad or grieving or missing you,
you’re stuck in me so far down my mind space
my words flow out emanating the essence of you,
hands pulsing because i can feel your grip,     around my throat
Squeezing the oozing me out of me

have you ever seen a person without a person inside?
A hollow, magnificent redwood
not sure if he is still alive, how is she still standing?
we have asked these questions.

my brain can’t wrap around anyone else’s,
and i marked it on my sleeve, right before the first time
we left off
because i knew i needed to know how to get you out,
but i don’t want to

because feeling you is home,
even when your thinking and saying and not-feeling and not-saying
brands the edges of my chest,
hot iron burning flesh,
we can all smell it,
but it’s fine.

I don’t want you to feel some way about me that i cant about you,

you mean love?

I already knew you couldn’t, wouldn’t, never ever
feel love —
it’s a big red X,
no-mans land,
do not enter,
no trespassing zone,
because i am not that to you —
you can’t even say the word it’s so un-relatable

I made you uncomfortable,
i told you that I love you with all of my heart,
that I love you and I love you and I love you,
but you never said it back, and i knew that
you could never love me

i thought,
I’m not enough, not what you had in mind —
too much of something you can’t wrap your head around,
i’ve got a hold of myself,
can make myself vulnerable to sick ***** like you,
and you still feel sorry for me,

don’t be sorry for me,

be sorry you never allowed yourself to feel,
be sorry you took and took and took,
be sorry you didn’t have the guts to tell me the truth,
you used me, and i let you —
because my heart extended out while yours shriveled into your chest
i gave my summer to you,
and you tricked me into your world,
but i let myself get hooked,
shook me about and crushed all hope

i can’t tell you how much i mourn
the warmth of my touch,
now cold and brittle,
i risked an eternal sun smile
for a minute of a high
and like most drugs,
i became dependent and the pain
was more tragic than the beauty of the high

I mourn what it actually felt like to love,
long before you,
i loved so deeply
my heartbeats became thunderous earthquakes
and everyone knew

before you,
I loved a boy who told me i was magnificent
who held me every day as if it were the last time we’d see each other,
who told the world i kept his heart

before you,
I was heartbroken, really heartbroken,
because I had loved so passionately that my world crumbled around the ruins of my body,
my soul melted into a puddle of pressurized glitter,
diamonds that caught on fire and and rusted
turned to heaps of mud,
I have felt the love of all loves,
and so for you to feel sorry for me,
to think that I have lost something in you,
to confuse in love with love,
my god you must be confused,

because the day you left i became me again,
and i slowly regrew and weeded out all of the sadness you left in me,
the self-hatred i understood to be me,
lived in myself,
lived in my soul again,
i remembered that sun smile, the warmth of love,
i slowly unlearned and relearned
and my face turned into a beam of diamonds,
colors you took momentarily,
colors you drained from my cheeks and eyes.
So if you think i feel some way about you,
If you think I'm in love with you,
Please remember that i have loved and loved and loved
and it was never you.

You never existed,
we were not alive, i wasn’t
my mind froze when you asked,
I wasn't myself,
I lost it all in the drape you put over my heart,
a half-beaten down animal,
i was trained and trained myself too,
i covered up my mouth
desperately tried to please the eternally void —

emotion
that was the catch,
i had so much to say,
but the latch i made myself, took away everything,
all that made me smile —
you never made me smile,
and nothing i tried was full or right or
splendid

average,
my eyes lit up for a darkness
crept into my bones
took me aback,
i didn’t think that light could be drained
by a black hole  
you told me so, and i believed it —

what were we ever?
i, a soundboard for your misery,
you, a reflection of my own self-doubt,
i never loved you,
but you never loved.

I’ll miss you, I already do.
The little things we do,
the big ones too.

I’ve missed you since January,
since the stars hit the water
and we spent hours by the boats,
I wanted to get close to you
but I’ve been scared.

I’ve missed you the nights spent alone,
thinking thinking,
i’ll see you soon —
and i can’t shake it,
we’ll both be someone else —
I’ll go to bed and it will never be the same.

I’ve missed you in my dreams,
dreary paintings rolling across my eyes,
of us two, too
hitting, scratching, tickling —
you’re a ***
I know.

I’ve missed you since Monterey,
why did we do that,
I turned a place into a feeling,
and driving by will be
crushing rocks,
knives, pierced and pierced,
you won’t come back.

We won’t come back,
we never were,
I’ll be a memory, a faded smell
You’ll recognize in
someone else.

But i’ll miss you,
and maybe it’s not as hard for you,
my heart has slowly been breaking in two.

“I can be an *******”
but he was falling for me fastly
I couldn’t tell, but i saw his eyes well up up up
we got high
started to chew on the lack of emotion
i thought i over reacted
But he knew that his silence hit the walls of the room
Reverberating
through my bones, warmth left the first layer of my skin, the walls
built up, resentment shook my lungs,
burn burn
I IMPLODED
and maybe he lost me, scared, what’s wrong, what’s wrong?

I didn’t feel like a woman, like my ethos prevailed
weak, pushed up against that blue fence
i was scared
little girl, little me — scared to lose him
mother didn't take my tears,
“you’re the reason i can’t go to work”
I am not sorry,
they stuck their hands in places and motions i didn’t know,
Eleven years old
i learned fastly too

i learned how to close up, shut up, die away slowly,
don’t complain, you have it good —
but i couldn’t be a burden,
i didn’t want to lose them, him,
did you know that i knew
how to lack of sound, no emotions since I was eleven?
I will be patient, patient and soft, soft and lackluster,
i’ll moan if you're quiet,
touch you, kiss you,
when you want me to,
i’ll grovel for your affections, it’s the only know-how i know.

so when you’re not speaking,
not emoting,
just know that i know,
I've lived to know how to read,
to understand silently, look at your eyes and know,
i know,
you can be an *******.

Like we were kids,  
You poked me and tickled me silly,  
You became a part of my mind
And I became a part of yours too-
With every obstacle ahead of us,  
I'll fight off the monsters  
And bring you their heads,  
I'll drive as long as I have to  
To see you again.

I only had eyes for you,
Sitting three feet apart;
My words were so cold,
But oh were they true.

You stifled me in
To your lukewarm embrace;
I trembled the fold,
And took in the din.

I only had eyes for you,
She cried out once more,
But the boy whom she loved,
Never quite got the clue.

look after yourself,
swollen mouth
overgrown toe-nails.
teeth yellowed by coffee,
smelt of lust

you did this to me.

no,
i was the **** kissing
drinking liquor that burnt my feet
my eyes
the rush of the dark liquid that
tainted my body
i ****** him, and him, and him,
and i pretended to love,

to love

to love.

i did it all by myself.

sometimes
when he holds me at night,
i pretend
your ribs jutting out and poking my back,
your hands tracing my neck,
kissing my cheek,
looking at me

“you’re the most beautiful girl in the world”

“oh, shut up”

laughing,
crying and holding and loving
my arms shake, i can’t feel
his heartbeat
80 to 90 bpm
yours was different,
i remember your heart,
****** beard
i told you how handsome either way,
that your eyes sparkled and mine were grey,

a tear falls down my cheek,
and he asks

“are you ok?”

he’s risky  
like a box of blueberries,
only the sour bits hit your tongue
just as hard as the sweet ones.

Wish you were around
didn't know you thought about
wishing me
my around-ness,
about me?

when was i on your mind,
i haven't heard an i miss you —
responses don’t count,
like a broken shell,
pieces of us everywhere crumble
Smaller and smaller,
tiny grains of heart
fill up my stomach and
i keep looking at your words

miss you,
That’s all you know how to say,
All you ever could muster
— what are you afraid of?
you had me thinking —
i must’ve been nothing,
an empty glass,
glimmers in the light,
pictures of rainbows on your lips and you
taste the sweet pomegranate seeds sometimes too,
pink on tongue on cheek on lip,
what did you feel?

you touched the glass,
understood the knocking when you threw
and shattered
on the ground, shards of glass sprinkle my legs,
i am hurt
the outside layer is strewn through my teeth,
crunchcrunchcrunch
the read threads whisper through my tongue and
you turn away,
the clear crispy was too sharp for your soft heart —
you didn't miss me then.

so don't wish,
because I'm not around,
and i know
you don't miss me at all.