I miss you
// 12:40 am //
message not sent

it's been six years, please come back.
// 2:00 am //
message not sent

the voices are getting louder and you're fading away.
// 4:00 am//
*message not sent

dear whoever is reading this,

i'm sorry if i have seem to cut you off or push you away, somewhere in my head, you gave me no other choice and it seemed like the best thing to do at that point.

i want to blame you for all the times you weren't there, for the birthdays you missed, for all the calls you missed and never bothered to call back, for all the times i needed a familiar voice to snap me back from my never ending nightmares.

i needed a friend to drag me back from my own personal hell, and to tell me that i'd be okay.

one thing  i've realized in my 21 years of existence is that everyone can play the blame game and point fingers, but that hasn't really got me anywhere.

so this is me, apologizing.  

for not being a better friend, for not being the person you wanted me to be, for not being there.

i'm sorry.

we loved too much
and we burned too bright
I loved too much
and held too tight
just to watch you turn around
and leave without a fight
I can’t blame you
I don’t even mind
because I knew better
than to think I was right
I’m sorry will never cut it
I don’t expect it to
but know, I can’t love another
like I love you.

"I really like you", he said softly.

she stared at him with wide eyes, opening her mouth but no words coming out, suddenly finding the floor very interesting.*

"I was almost certain you felt the same way", he whispers.


Her eyes, now glossy look up at him, lips quivering a little. She took a deep breath and said, "I do".

Reaching out to cup her small face, he tilts it towards him and says, "then what are you so afraid of?".


"Me", she mumbles. Her eyes looking everywhere but him.

"What?", confusion laces his voice.

She gathers the courage from somewhere deep within and looks up at him.

"I'm afraid of myself. Of my mind, what it's capable of. Trust me when I say this, get out while you can. You don't want to associate yourself with someone like me. I ruin things".


He stared at her, a look of disbelief mixed with hurt flashing in his eyes.

"Why do you think that way? Think so lowly of yourself huh?".


" It's kind of hard not to", she whispered.

*"It's like everything I touch, dies. So, please I beg you, I care about you too much to see you crumble. Don't get into this".

I was always a quiet kid. Being in the background, being invisible was something I mastered. I was in the same school for fourteen years. That's fourteen years of being everyone but me.
From buying ****** strings in class 4, spending all my time trying to make those **** things. To joining danceworx in class 6 because everyone who I wanted to befriend went to those. I hated dancing, I just needed something, a topic to strike some kind of conversation. I even took part in things that involved dancing, I wanted to be just like everyone else.
I listened to music everyone else liked, which unfortunately included Taylor Swift. I even watched those cringe worthy teenage movies like Twilight.
Eventually, I had a best friend, throughout class 7 & 8. We were inseparable, we had sleepovers, inside jokes and all that. I was ecstatic to say the least. Right before class nine begun, we outgrew each other. It wasn't anyone's fault. Friends fall apart. But, it was then I begun blaming myself for everything. Always thought it was me who messed up. When class 9 started, after the first set of tests, my parents thought it was a good idea for me to drop maths and science and take up economics and evs instead. To be honest, it made my life so much easier but at the same time, I always questioned myself. "If they can do maths and science, why can't I?".
"What's wrong with me?"
It was also in class 9, when I got my first boyfriend, albeit we broke up in the span of a few days, he soon became my best friend. I went through this weird emotional turmoil starting from the 9th, my father passing away was the trigger. But, I had one or two friends who stuck by me, they were there for me and more importantly, I had a safety net to fall back on.
Class 10 went by like a breeze. I got red streaks right before class 11 began, in the hope that maybe this might give me a boost of confidence. It didn't. I had a new best friend, we shared a lot in common.
As class 12 came around, people around me seemed sad school was ending. I was weirdly happy, I thought maybe I can figure myself out now. But, I still wanted to be accepted so I still did things everyone else was doing. I went to parties, dressed up and all. I didn't like parties, but everyone was doing it, I wanted to be like them so I went along.
I had a boyfriend in class 12 as well, everyone was in relationships, I felt left out. He was really nice, I just rushed into everything too fast.
Graduation came along, we were to wear saris. Till date, I hate what I looked like at grad. It makes me cringe.

Through this rollercoaster called school, I did things that everyone was doing, everyone wanted to, I didn't. I spent way too much time trying to be everyone, I forgot to be me.
Now the question is, who is me?
Me is a quiet kid, me talks but can't stop talking when she find people who she can be 'me' around. Me doesn't like dancing, me refused to even move if you drag me to the dance floor. Me will just awkwardly bob my head. Me doesn't listen to pop, hates Taylor Swift with a passion. Me likes music that's a little heavier, but me also thoroughly enjoys Bollywood. Me can't do maths, and that's totally okay. Me isn't "popular" but me has a handful of friends who love her, and she loves. Me would rather stay indoors and play league of legends than go for a party. And most importantly, me isn't scared to be 'me' anymore.

I guess through all of this, I just want to say, sometimes you forget to be you. Because of all the noise in your life, trying to fit in, to like what everyone likes, to be like them. It's very important to just take a step back, remember who you really are, **** what people think and what they would say and just be you.

she sat there, cigarette in her hand and green day playing softly in the background. the familiar tune of sassafras roots filled her soul as she thought about the first time she saw him. the messy hair and the smell of marlboro reds and that laugh. she knew she'd never ever forget that laugh. how his eyes crinkled every time he laughed or how passionately he spoke about his favourite band. she'd be surprised if he'd ever even notice her, or how her face lit up every time he walked towards her. Oh boy, he didn't know how lucky she felt when he told her he liked her, or when he kissed her. she knew she'd never feel anything so real. she knew, since that first kiss, that she'd found her person and that she didn't want to go on with life is he wasn't around.

We met, we talked, for hours on end.
I was cautious.
But you knew just how to break these walls I had built.
You taught me how to feel again.
A feeling I’d sworn to never feel again.
There were butterflies, there were soft touches, like everything out of a love song.
We kissed, and I felt my heart reopen once again.
I was scared but you made sure to hold my hand every step of the way.
We laughed, we fought, we talked and laughed some more.
We heard your favourite songs and mine, on our way home.
But just like every song in our playlist, ours came to an end.
3 minutes and 35 seconds was all it took,
now all we have are the memories.
We met, we talked, but like all songs in our playlist, we have come to an end.

Somewhere in between chai & cigarettes.
"I have an existential crisis."
"What's that?"
"I don't know why I exist. What's the point of it."
"You're an idiot."
"I'm the idiot?
I'm not the one who said that you go to hell and then you die."
"Shut up."
"I'm getting another cigarette. Want one?"
"Yes, please."
"Can you light it for me?"
silence for a few seconds
"Stop staring at me!"
"I can't help it."
"You're so cheesy. Ew."
silence
"Okay fine, I'm sorry. I love you."

"You know, Luke Hemmings has a girlfriend?"
"Who cares?"
"Who cares about you?"
"Wow, great comeback."
"This place is such a drag."
"You said that yesterday as well."
a random quote is shown
"The only difference is that you and I are about poems and sentimental *******."

"Did you watch the link I sent you?"
"No.."
"Watch it. I promise you'll like it. Last of us has a great storyline."
"Okay."
"Did you see what I tagged you in?. Michael dyed his hair red again and he looks so good."
silence, followed by a judgmental look
"No one cares about Michael."
"No one cares about you."
silence again
"Oh my god, there's smoke in my eye."

jagged breathes and streaming tears
unsteady hands and scattered scars
you look up into the mirror
you see a reflection you don’t recognise
a stranger looks back at you
you notice the eyes
eyes that used to express so much before
now are dull
it is in that very moment
you know your soul is broken too  
the words are echoing again and again
on a loop
“you hurt him. you did this. you’ve never loved him”
your voice hoarse from fighting
telling the voices to stop
you do love him
you could never hurt him
not intentionally
you do care
the voices get louder
the pain gets harder to deal with
and then you look up once again
a stranger looks back at you
jagged breathes and streaming tears
unsteady hands and scattered scars

people often tell me, “you were doing just fine before him, you’ll be fine now as well”.
people don’t realise that i’ve tried, i’ve tried so hard to be “just fine”.
but you never said goodbye, our feelings weren’t addressed, we left it at a “what if”.
and it is that “what if” that makes it so **** hard for me to move on.
it’s not that easy. it’s not how they make it out to be.
i can’t just forget you, i can’t just erase you.
not when you’ve touched every single inch of my soul.
how do you erase someone from your memories?
i’ve tried and tried, but every time i take a step forward, you drag me five steps back.
how do i just not think of your face? how do i forget your laugh? how do i erase your touch?
i’ve scrubbed my body again and again, anything to get rid of the feeling of your skin on mine.
tell me, was it easy?
to forget my face, my laugh, how did you erase my touch?
please tell me, was it easy? how did you forget us?

the death of loved one is a strange thing, it's like one day, they're there, with you. and almost as if in a second, they're not. and the role time plays is even stranger,
because for the first few months and years you can remember every little thing about them.
you can hear their voice in your head, almost like they're sitting right beside you.
you can smell them, you can remember their face whenever you close your eyes.
but with time, when your heart slowly begins to heal, and when you begin to put yourself back together, and it suddenly hits you, and you begin to realise that they've faded away.
you realise that no matter how hard you try, you can't hear their voice anymore, no matter how hard you squeeze your eyes shut, you can't seem to see their face anymore.
it's quite amazing how time can make it seem as if that someone never existed, as if all the time you spent together was a weird twisted dream of some sort.
in some ways, time is brilliant.
time makes you heal, it slowly fills that hole in your chest.
but, in some ways, time is cruel.
it makes you forget, and when you can't remember that person anymore, it leaves you feeling confused and horrible.

it was a cloudy summer morning,
a dark overshadow covering most of the sky,
it was then, in that moment,
       when my eyes first came across you,
       suddenly growing accustomed to you.
messy hair, unkempt shoes and a overused t shirt that was soon beginning to fade.
it was then, in that moment,
that I first felt what seemed to be love.
a feeling that was unfamiliar yet felt so much like coming home.
and so it began.
with every touch, those talks after the sun was long gone,
did I start to realise that this was indeed that feeling, I spent years running away from.
and now here it was, sitting in front of me,
that same old messy hair, those same old unkempt shoes, and that overused t shirt that had now faded.