when people said “i love you” but i said, “i adore him to the point i thank him for existing”

when people said "i love you" but i said, "i would recognise his odor in thousands of crowd"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "he is the first thing that i mention through my prayers"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "my brain refuses to think about anything but you"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "it's crazy how my mind leads to you to every love song that is playing"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "he is the first thing i reminisce to every matcha store i stumbled upon"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "i would spot his footsteps in a muddy dark forest"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "i learn how to cook for him where these dishes are crafted with love"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "i have been adjusted to be all ears for him when the whole world turned him down"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "i don't want him to translate. i would speak his language, i want learn the language of his soul"

this is somewhat unfathomable, but, half of me hates him for what he did, half of me still longs for him.

what is this phenomenon, mother nature? why do I still have space for compassions, for him? why do I still see him highly?

was it my blinded eyes or love-polluted mind?

nothing have i ever laid my eyes on something so tender and soft; the palm of his hand, and the tone he used as he speaks.

no matter how far i’ve wandered around, the string of mine goes back to him, a man whose existence caught my existence, 3 years ago, at Brighthelm.

something was giggling merrily inside of me the moment i was with him. it was my inner little girl, she was happy. a man that is so serene, a safe place to be with, and a situation where finally she doesn’t have to be in a survival mode. she couldn’t ask for more; that’s what she craves for. that’s enough. that’s enough for the rest of her life.

but she murmured, and asked me, will we ever be able to see him again? a part of me highkey wish to say “yes” but fate is something that’s not under my control, so, “i don’t know. we will see. but let’s just pray.”

when I was little, mum told me not to go too far, or Iwill be lost
she warned me about the monsters and creeps that live inside the forest
said don’t go there, it’s dangerous
told I might not come back, or turning into one

in the living room,
she always tells me about them
and how they threaten humans for years
there was a myth where they harm us
as if they’re something that is very dangerous

I went back to my chamber
staring at myself on the mirror

sighs.

poor old lady
sad to see how much she’s scared of monsters
not knowing and realising
that all this time, she’s actually given birth to one.

if I die, please don’t cry
don’t mourn on my graveyard
for i’ve been dead for my whole life
little did they know they have killed me inside ever since
with words, or doings

if i die, please don’t cry
what will you see is just my rotten body
what will you cry over is just my engraved names
what will you care about is just my adieu
in 6 feet under

if i die, please don’t cry
you weren’t there when i was still alive
you decided to succumb when i want to fight
you kicked up your heels when i was hurting for nights

promise me not to cry, my darling
mourning won’t change anything
always remember that you pushed me when all i did was begging

if you cry, that will just hurt me to the bone
knowing that to any of you, I only matter when i’m gone.

Once in a lifetime…I found a guy.
Someone that I never thought he’d be my home.
My safe place.

How I wish I met him sooner.
I want to hug him so bad.
Kiss him.
I want him to know how much I love him…
How much I adore him…
How thankful I am that he exists.
How my life went easier since he came.

How my heart is attached to him.
He gives me comfort in this cruel word.
He gives me love when hatred is all I got.
He lifted my burden.
He supports me when the whole world is trying to bring me down.
He gives me home when I am…homeless.
He protects me from things that could harm me.

i dont see him being optimistic and faithful as i am.

i dont see him believing in relationship we have. i dont see him believe in our future either. especially when he told me he does not know where this going to be.

and he doesnt see what i see.