I looked in the mirror more than 10 times today
Fortunately i was still more or less the same.
I took a breath
"You are not ugly. You are not disfigured."
The voices have soon since been silenced by my persistence and repeated statement
"You look pretty just believe it."

Taking you back
Back to a time when time was not time
but merely seconds and hours
And lets not forget minutes
When the only reason i tracked it
Was so i could estimate how long it took
The blade to slide across my skin
The skin to open like flesh off of a peach
The blood to seep up to the surface and drip
The dripping to stop and that crimson substance to dry

Bringing you back to the present
When i track time so i know how long i can lie to myself for
Lie to myself before the real me shows up
Before the ugly rears its sightly face

In my head there's a masquerade ball
The masks are not fancy and embroidered
The masks are simply smiling faces
Laughing faces
Any and every face that to me
Is beautiful
However underneath them is the same
'Hunchback of Notre dame' situation facially and otherwise

Remember that time when you thought you were ugly
If ever you did
But someone made you beautiful
Forever that is

I still wait for that moment like a widowing wife waiting
Waiting to hear that her lover isn't gone forever.

I had taken two steps farther again hoping you would notice the distance, but this time I fell off a cliff screaming for you to ask me to stay . I was floating, wondering, “if I died when I hit the ground would the bruises of my past hurt more than being gone?” I couldn’t decide so I just let myself fall. I was looking up to every sharp edge of my life that I had created as my body twirled through the air. I’m not sure why I couldn’t form any thought but “I wish I would have worn shoes, I always hated that my second toe was longer than my first”. Next thing I could remember was you shaking me. I could not figure out when I had reached the ground. You kept saying “please stay”, it was as if your voice was on some sort of prerecord loop. I had needed to hear those words for so long that when you finally spoke them I didn’t understand. How could you not keep your eyes open long enough to see I had been slowly walking away for quite some time. Why did it take the distant thud of my body hitting the ground to catch your attention? You had to realize; you are my only home. I had hoped for so long that you would remember to repair the roof and paint the walls that shade of yellow we loved. But the only bedroom that wasn’t falling apart was the one where you laid your head as you dreamt, and I wept.

There is that stupid song that comes on all the **** time and
i can't help but think of you,
even if you broke my heart and made me cry.

It makes me remember that once upon a time you were the reason
there was a smile on my face,
and the butterflies in my tummy.

The butterflies have died now,
and my smile is a frown,
but you wouldn't know that would you?

You told me you loved me
and i believed you,
but you picked her and reminded me all the time.

Now she's left you and i'm still here,
but you can't even see me anymore.

Next time don't say it if you don't mean it,
and don't make me fall if you won't catch me.

Now i'm listening to that song and i can't help
but love you more....

i keep running

i keep running away from everyone,
the scars on my arms grow more and more and i fear
a time when i no longer have space to accommodate more.

i keep running from myself,
trying not to think myself real
i can't be real,
because if i were real then surely i should feel.

i keep running back to my blades and letting my tears turn to blood,
i keep running back to the voices in  the dark telling me i don't belong and need to leave.

i don't think i want to stop running,
because when i stop running
the madness will end.