And maybe it was us
in a past life
but not this one

And maybe we’ll wake up
in twenty years at 3am
with the same contentment
in separate houses

And maybe we’ll stare
at a photograph of the other
before responsibility set in
and the sun set slowly

And maybe it will sting
for a moment or two
before we both turn back
admiring the result

And
we won’t regret a thing

-L.E.

Leech your stony knuckles to my brow
Excavate the valley where my soul once stood
and tell me what you find

Bury your treachery deep in my breast
and allow my heart to follow at a tasteful distance
Lean onto me the fertile tones of your voice
but cut me loose of your chords
**** my minds thoughts and ******* your prayers
on the corner of Lonely and Broken

Death be to me all the things you are not
Shuttering, staggering, stuttering still

Compromised.

so done.
trying not to let it get to me.
but how can it not?

"wait", i whisper to myself
you have your arms.
you have your legs.
you have a bit of family left and some friends to match.
you're not dying.
you're sheltered.
you're fed.

....why is it so hard to recognize the good?
because the bad is much more overwhelming.

it's helping, but not enough.
i still want to scream.
i still want to cry.

i have manifested every single that that has happened to me.
i've prayed for it, and it's been completely answered...now for me to only slap God a good one in the face by objecting.
what is the matter with me?
God, where do i begin?

i'm lost.
i'm terrified.
i'm alone.

wandering amongst the dead particles of life we call earth.
where do i go?
what do i do?

continue to breathe, i suppose.

please have a lovely day
do not let worry or stress get in the way
do not forget to take today as a gift
and if you need a little something of a lift
think of everything that makes you smile
because tears dry up so fast, they can't stay more than awhile
and there's no reason to be afraid
we're luckier than most, we've been given another day
free of charge and completely our own
the Earth is so delighted to be our home
to house us and give us energy and life
don't let that stupid person holding the knife
keep it in your back and tug you around
sad people are one's who relish on a frown
but do not give them permission to cause you anything less
because let me tell you, you do deserve the best
to jump and to
                feel like you can
                                        FLY!
to be happier today
                than you were yesterday
                                         because you are
                                                       ALIVE!

That's all.

you'll sing it in a song for the world
but you won't bother to call
or txt
or write
or anything.
yeah, you sing it for the world
and let them relish your words
give them notes to step to
while my feelings are on the ground
actions. actions. actions.
never meant so much before this moment
it's hard, so hard to not believe you
because i do.
but it's harder to listen to the words you're singing
for everyone in the world
you can tell them how you feel
put it in a beautiful song that you struggle through
but you cannot give it to me
go, sing your new song
and while you do
know it hurts even worse to hear it
from the other side
the same side you left me on
the day you walked away

Hey, You-

You sit high on your pedestal of metaphors and similes
You say I can’t write for ****, well thanks for the ministry  
But, please, show me where it is stated in your right
To act like you know a **** thing about me or my life
You want some emotion? Fine, I’ll give it to you
Like the back of his hand did to me when I was two
I’ll tell you some **** that would make you hurl
And cringe and binge and squeal and curl
Into a ball wrapped so tight you can’t breathe
Like I sat, locked in the closet when I was three
Only to go to school at five then six then seven
“It’ll get better, you’re only just eleven”
First day of middle school, unable to spell
Righteous punk in a personal hell
Cuz reading and writing aren’t a part of the drive
When you’re on the street just trying to survive
People looking away to what they don’t want to see
“Miss, could you spare some change to help me, please?”
You want to get personal? I can give you truth
I’ll tell you what the **** I’ve been through
Drugs, lies, abuse and ****
Freezing to death on streets without escape
Homelessness in herds of mothers and daughters
Generations of women born without fathers
I hide my scars well and maybe that’s why
You can’t see a **** thing behind your naked eye
But you can’t take away my story or my right
I’m too **** stubborn to back away from this fight
You take pride and hiding in your height and your rhyme
But I’ll give it to you straight, I don’t waste any time
I’ve seen too much and been dealt too little
To let someone like you, with all your riddles
Spit in my face to break me down
My body can sink and I still won’t drown
Your insults do not penetrate me
I’ve survived more than the lives of one, two and three
Numb and ruthless after countless stabs in my back
I am porcelain that falls and still does not crack
So, c’mon, try and tell me you don’t think I can
You’ll be forced to see just how can I am

easy come, easy go
all of you

you think you know
just what you do
but you don't

i long to be
not felt
but touched
not just heard
but listened to
not just convenient
but important
not just another
but the one

someone will save me, someday
when i have stopped
hurting.

But
it
wasn't
You.

"No one will love you as much as I do"
The thought keeps ringing in my head
Alongside the church bells that I once heard while looking into your eyes

"Don't be a fool", I say to myself
Breathing heavily, anxious as all hell
"No one will ever love you as much, and you know it"
But why not?
Why can't someone else love me as much?
Should I just settle for him because I don't think it's possible for anyone else to feel this way about me?

I don't feel for him the way that I should
The way that I used to
The way that I want

Why must need overcast want?
Why must love be so black and white, rigid and confusing?
I've always begged for his answer
But now I'm wishing I had just let it be.

I have made you bleed
I have made you sweat
I have made you starve
I have made you ache

I have put you in the mud
I have put you in the ring
I have put you in the crossfire of heartbreak and misunderstanding

I have picked and prodded you like a foreign beast
I have roughed you up like a schoolyard bully
I have carelessly clutched & betrayed your touch

And, yet, toxically, you stay
You open eyes each morning
You rise
You move  
You work

You build things & restore tragedy
You absorb and give
You release
You force air inside your lungs
You put it there, even on the days I don't feel
You deserve to breathe

I am imperfect, as you very well know
But for what you have done
I look in the mirror
And desire to be


Kind.

I fell so in love with the story
That I suppose I forgot where I was going
Too infatuated with the fairytale
Wanting the bargain more than the sale
More in love with the Hallmark promise than him
More eager to be someone I’m not just to fit in
It’s all too easy to forget what we cannot see
To relish on everything we cannot be
Easier to love the dark when the light wants in
Easier to lose, when you have no hope to win
More than anything, I wish for a life
Not defined by materials or hype
I just want someone to be proud to utter my name
But not only for fortune, envy or fame
To live a life that’s simple and sincere
To cast away all insecurity and fear
To keep away from the fake and wrong
To show someone who is weak they can be strong
We live in a world of manufactured hopes and artificial dreams
My mind turned deaf from my own pitiful screams
It seems we’re so focused on what we cannot have
Let’s start appreciating the good and negating the bad
I want to give more back than I have received
To help even the most hopeless to believe
I have been selfish enough to learn better
Useless anger and a childish temper
It all has led me to embrace what I should
The happy, the deserved, the love, the good
Reality can ****, so we choose to pretend
But there can be no beginning without an end
So to all that have done me so UNsolid
And in the demise of my dreams you have plotted
I swallow my pride, my bitterness and hate
Your maker is not me, and he will decide your fate
I will admit I feel sorry for where you may go
Because I have a feeling your high will send you low
I would fear showing my hands if I were you
But that is why I hold them high in truth
I have forgiven you mom, dad, brother and brutes
Lovers who stole my innocence and youth
I break free of my constricting ties and roots
I break free of the foundations laid by you
Ones I have allowed to hold me back
Walking blindly, stepping on every crack
But today is the day I grab the axe
And with a swing of bravery, this cycle I hack
I will not allow my own thoughts to break me
And I will finally allow my heart to be free
Let it all go and lay it all out
I am tired of drowning in this narcissistic draught
I am saying it out loud, so it’s got to be true
I look in the mirror and say, “I forgive you”
And with all of this, I unshackle these chains
And if all that’s left are Earthly remains
I am certain I will be okay
Because the new concrete I have laid
Leaving, completely unafraid
Released of the burdens that once kept me retrained
I can only pray I leave this world better than it was when I came
And I hope that when I am gone, something I did made a change

i've felt the presence of both the holy, and the extremely
unholy.
i've experienced sorrow of the greatest kind; the kind that hinders the heart and relentlessly leaves you in a river of your own tears.
i've experienced pain, grief, remorse and brutality.
i've experienced love of the grandest quality; the kind of love that leaves you with a belief in
magic.
i've experienced the ecstasy that coincides with feeling another person's touch on your skin.
i've experienced the holy grail of your being and the complete blasphemy of mine.
i've experienced what only i have been able to interpret as greater than this universe.
i've experienced so much in a short while, but that does not discount from it's power.
i've experienced you and me, all in our most naked form.
i've experienced a life that was intended and created for a very specific reason;  a reason that i am connecting to more and more each day.
i've experienced hatred and scorn, but i've also experienced love and praise.
i've experienced more than sometimes i feel i should, but one day the answers will unveil themselves to me.
i've experienced all that i have and all that i know, and while i know that there's a long way to go, i have experienced what i believe was meant for me.
and i'm certainly more than fine with
that.

You and only you know who I am.
When you touch me with your muddy hands.

I am a piece of flesh, with a blossoming heart.
We lie in the forest beneath the starry dark.

Challenge my mind but do not get lost in arrogance.
Do not engage without caution, but love with patience.

Be mine so long as I can feel the spark in your touch.
Love me hard and deep, but not too much.

I lose myself and escape to your eyes.
I wander amongst the streets of your fears and lies.

But I do not run or flee or scramble away.
For those moments I am lost, yet unable to stray.

Allow your heart to be my home, and I will do the same too.
I will bury my body in your muddy hands, and I will leave them clean for you.

We are such opposites, you and I
Yet somehow we've woven ourselves into this web
You are a tsunami
Yet I am simply the ebb

Differences so evident, it's almost insulting
Your ink-stained arms push up against my bare, ivory chest
You are so clearly you
While I am only somewhat me, at best

So many places you've been
While I've been sitting here all the while
Circumstances should have told us both "No!"
But that word disappears completely as you smile

So much knowledge I've gained
While you don't bother with reading
You are always content with the simplest things
But I yearn immensely for things I'm not really needing

Your smoke-filled room meets my untouched lungs
Your devilish ways engulf my ****** essence
We can only meet briefly, and so rarely it feels
Your absence is like Christmas without presents

I snicker when you sigh, laugh when you cry
I'm through with rest, yet you sit as I stand
I lay myself down just as you rise
My ghostly form next to your harsh skin, perfectly tanned

Your breast was hollow once
Long before me and you, we, became us
But mine was overflowing with love
That the Heavens knew was meant for you, I undoubtedly trust

They, all of them out there, may not understand
Your roughness and ruggedness holding my soft and clean hands
But I do not care about their worries or remarks
Because we are separate people, but one in our hearts

old habits die hard
nervous habits die harder

i hadn't touched myself
since i got over you

but today,
i peeled back my skin
to reveal what i had forgotten

which is that
i still haven't
forgotten
you.

who i am is so far from who i was
even further from who i want to be

feeling useless
as though the point that once stood tall
in the name of my existence
is now on the ground, withering away

the ideally painted, colorful portrait
that my life once was
now possesses spews of ink
and bleeds only black and white

resorting to discomfort
in the most unfamiliar places
when really all i want
is to feel life once again

to dance with the flowers
and sing with the trees
to lust after adventure
to see, trust, believe

but everything is now so askew
the print of letters is fading
hazy eyes and darkened thoughts
without consent, everything is rearranging

i need to be freed from this hollow
the empty being i feel i am
what was it like before? i almost can't recall
but i would like her back, please

who i am is so far from who i was
even further from who i want to be

tell me, please
when it gets easier
when I will be able
to breathe
again.

strike me, but only once
do not linger
to keep
beating me
down.

grace my pounding heart
with the essence of your flesh
but please stop
throwing it
around.

rain falls and tickles
my bleeding words
still writing
and still
waiting.

outside, flowers bloom
birds sing and the world moves
yet I am
stuck in
neutral.

far from the home
I've built in your heart
and from the escape
I've built
in your
mind.

veiling my heart
from now
until eternity
beckons it
back.

i hate that calling you used to fill me with confetti
and now it feels like the morning after the party

stop
two minutes
just stop
it's two minutes
stop overthinking the overthinking of overthinking
have you forgotten that
sunsets are free?
just like hikes
and kisses
and spirits (both kinds).

let yourself breathe, even if it's just a little
listen to the silence
make some noise
your burdens aren't as great as you may think, otherwise you wouldn't be here
so, stop.
be.
wood is burning
and you are still equal parts shrapnel and stardust