my eyes are heavy.
like they cant stand to be open any longer.
the smoke in my lungs begin to burn my throat with every exhale.
guzzle down another fifth of warm liquor to awaken my cold veins.

my brain is just a ball of jelly bouncing from one side of my head to the other.
im tired, im always tired no matter how much I sleep.
I often find myself angry at little things.
my breakfast was cold, my bedroom light was on, my sister did her makeup in my floor at 9am.

I don't know whats going to happen to me maybe ill fade away nobly like the avengers when thanos decided to snap.
or maybe I wont die fighting to save the world, maybe ill shut the garage and rev my engine 87 times until I get a little sleepy.
or worst of all I wont die at all ill be forced to live in this cold, dark mind everyday with the slim hope of getting better after having a good 2 days, either way ill stay the same.

I had a good day.
"but youre supposed to be depressed."
"im glad youre finally better."
"see I knew it was a phase."

I didn't sleep good last night.
"its because you always have that phone in your face!"
"did you take the melatonin I gave you?"
"but you had a good day!"

Im sad today.
"but you were laughing all afternoon!"
" probably just something you watched on youtube."
"oh we are all sad sometimes youll be fine!"

Im not fine, I feel alone in a crowd of people who care. I cant catch my breath long enough to explain why I feel this way. I have a voice in my head fighting the others. Im awake all night with my phone off crying into a pillow flipping a blade between my fingers swearing I wont go there again. Its been years and this phase is taking forever.

"......."

"................."

"..."

Sometimes I go away for awhile.
I leave my mind and body just to become an alien in my own home.
sometimes I go away for a while.
I always come back some sooner some later but never gone for long.
sometimes I go away for awhile.
while I am away I flip through photo albums and notebooks enjoying the flashes of home while im a drift.
sometimes I go away for a while.
I see the town I grew up in and the house my grandfather took his last breath.
sometimes I go away for a while.
even though I return and live like a hermit in my own skin as if ive been here the whole time, sometimes I go away for awhile.