pretty is so played out
so used
like a childhood toy
when youre in your 20s
its manipulative
and tired
pretty gets you places
like a strangers bed
or stuck in someones
head
pretty gets you
fooled
into thinking
thats the only thing
good about you

she fell in love
with the curve
of his smile
and
he fell in love
with the curve
of her ***.
but
eventually
they both
fell in love
with the way
there minds
felt together.

"you're perfect for me,
even if you don't think so"
funny how
3 days later
you stopped
thinking i
e x i s t e d.
funny how
the last time
i was in your bed,
i found another girls
hair tie and
convinced myself
it was mine.
but it didn't make
a difference.
because i could
never quite
convince
myself that
you were
m i n e

we lay there,
you with your back turned
to me.
i used
my fingertips
to trace
the words
my mouth
never has the
courage to say.
and you just fell asleep.
and i'm starting
to think that's a metaphor
for what you'd do
if i let you
hear what my heart
has been *screaming

did she make a home in the spaces between your ribs too?

2. i have still have your sweatshirt. it doesnt smell like you anymore. its okay though, i smell it every time i dream.

3. i miss looking in your eyes and seeing the galaxy.

4. they say you get a new layer of skin every 7 years and i cant wait to have skin you havent touched.

5. i miss you. i ******* hate you but i miss you.

6. i still have bruises, they just arent surface level anymore.

7. do you ever think of me anymore? today i saw a sweater that i'd know you'd love. i wonder if its the same for you.

8. i hope someone hurts you like you hurt me. karma is a ***** after all

9. you're so broken but so am i. we could of took our pain and made it into something beautiful, a mosaic of brokeness.

10. today i smiled and my eyes smiled too and its the beginning of finally moving on from you.

a couple days ago
i tried to **** myself
by ingesting a handful of
different pretty pills
in the hopes
they'd make me
a pretty corpse
i thought maybe
they'd plant roots
in my stomach
and grow flowers
out of my eye sockets
but then i realized
those pretty pills
would ****
not only me
but the ones who already
saw flowers growing
in the darkest parts
of me

treat people
better then
the world
treats you.

i guess
in my mind
i thought
replacing you
would be easy
but then
i realized
why would
i want a
r e p l a c e m e n t
when i
deserve
a
*******
o r i g i n a l

i never understood
how people can
love and stay with
their abusers.
but then i
experienced
the pain,
the anxiety,
the hopelessness
and i swear
to ******* god
i still
haven't loved
more than i
loved you.

you can't be real.
not with the way
your mind touches
my body before
you hands
and not with the
way your words
leave me breatheless
before your mouth does.
your body is
a ******* spiritual
experience
and your eyes alone
make me question
my sanity.

i'm so tired
of opening up to people
who do nothing
but laugh and poke
at my insides

banksy once said
"i mean, they say you die twice.
once when you stop breathing
and a second, a little later on,
when somebody says your name for the last time."
you killed me when you broke my ******* heart.
and i know you haven't said my name in months.
so i guess i'm practically six feet under.

i'm not an angry person
i'm a sad soul
with a smile that could fool God
but eyes that betray me
i have a laugh that can ****** the devil
but sobs that can awake
the earth
i have hands that DaVinci would envy
for they are magic,
creating lovely
****** creations
on my thighs
but i have a backbone
that has more cracks than
a busy city sidewalk.
just a sad soul.
not an angry person.

i like feeling
insignificant in
comparison to
the large scale
of things.
that's why
before i die,
i want to spend
a week beside the ocean.
& every night,
i want to sit right
where the shore meets the sand
and feel as free as the waves
crashing in the distance.
and i want to go find
a rooftop, that's just the perfect height
and get some blankets
and fall asleep,
just a speck in a
massive space.
but somehow, that doesn't scare me
the way it should.

so
many
people
have
seen
your
naked
anatomy
but
how
many
have
been
bless­ed
to
see
your
naked
soul

you never
really made me
feel as alive
as that
roof top did
tonight.
and i realized,
that's all i wanted.
i wanted someone
to make me feel
alive and whole and worthy and important.
like im worth someone laying down for hours, and just staring.

today
i laid in your
bed again.
it had been months
since my body
was against yours.
and pulling
on your tshirt
i realized you still
smelled the same.
i said it outloud
and you said
"did you expect me to smell different?"
and i looked up
at you, with knowing eyes,
and responded
"no. but that doesn't mean i wasn't hoping you would. i don't want heartbreak to have the same smell over and over. i don't want to be haunted by it my whole life."

this halfway ****
isn't for me.
you halfway love me,
which means you
love the things
i do underneath the sheets.
you halfway think im beautiful,
which means you think
the way my hips sway
is beautiful.
you halfway want me,
which means you want
everything from me
without your commitment.
you're halfway killing me,
which means
im almost gone.

you can have
*** with just
about anyone,
anyone who
says yes.
but
to be able
to let your
minds
****
eachothers
and your ideas
love the same
postions theirs
do
is to truly
have
great ***
and a great
conversation
over drinks
after.

i can feel
myself slowly
slipping
back into you.
it already feels
like poison
but it looks
like heaven,
so why
does
it seem like
it's gonna hurt
like hell?

i was feeling really low
so i decided to
paint a picture.
the canvas
was my thigh,
and the paintbrush
was my razor.

when you left
it felt as if my heart
crawled out of my throat
just to recklessly
roam for your love
but it was
when i realized
i was
n
o
t
h
i
n
g
special
to you
and easily
r e p l a c e d
that is when
i swear to
******* god
my heart
stopped beating
and now
there's this
giant hole
in my chest
that i can't
seem to fill
with cigarettes
or faceless men

Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what it is like to love someone and hate that same person at the same ******* time.
Thank you for causing me to sit on my bathroom floor and cry so much that I wish I would just ******* drown.
Thank you for making me feel alive. I felt things for you that I had never felt about any other person before. The thought of losing you kept me awake at night.
Thank you for being the reason that reality was finally much better than my dreams.
Thank you for cancelling our plans so many times that I found out the true meaning of unreliability.
Thank you for showing me that even perfect people have flaws, the cracks in your apologies showed me that even if I didn’t say, “It’s fine,” you wouldn’t have made any effort to fix what you did anyway.
Thank you for showing me what it’s like to give forgiveness and wish I never had, you got away lightly with every ******* thing you did wrong, I wish I had screamed at you so hard about how much you made my heart hurt but I still wouldn’t be able to leave.
Thank you for pulling me in with your false words, “You’re too nice.” I never knew that someone could be “Too nice.” Maybe you just couldn’t handle someone who didn’t have the courage to speak up, I’m sorry you couldn’t read minds.
Thank you for walking past me today, you kept your head down as if you had never stayed up late on the phone to me while you talked about how beautiful our future would be.
Thank you for holding my hand and then never coming near me again, I now know what it’s like to crave something so much it feels like if you don’t have it again you will suffocate.
Thank you for fooling your friends into thinking that you rarely knew me when really I know you more than they do.
I know your secrets, I know how you hate your dad, I know your favorite songs, I know about how you've seen way more than you should of , I know the real you. Don’t act like I don’t exist, a smile or an nod of acknowledgement would be enough to make me feel like this whole experience wasn’t a complete waste of my time. I guess I’m just a new addition to your list of strangers who you think don’t understand, but I know you.

i like a lot of myself.
i like the way i look
when i first wake up.
i like the way my eyes
look when i do my make up.
i like my body, how it's unique
to me.
i like my long hair.
i like my small hands and feet.
but my god
i love my mind
and i love
what my hands can do
and what my mouth can say
and where my feet can take me
and what my eyes see when i first wake up.
that's what i love about
myself.

they warned me
about you.
said your words
could hypnotize
and your eyes
could see through me.
you're like a drug,
i get high on
your presence.
surreal, spiritual
that's what it's
like being with you.
im gonna regret this
but not before i fully
enjoy the trip

i am
one with
the ghosts.
do i exist
or am i
made up
by people
who can't
seem to
grasp the
concept that once
you're gone...
you're gone
for
**good?

people say
everything
is better
when
you're blinded
by smoke
or drowning
in alcohol.
but you cant
see the lies
and i
cant swim
through the
disapointment.  
they say it
brings out
the real you.
but i'm not
really me after
the 6th shot
of *****.
and you
arent really
happy
after that
2nd blunt.

I. there was life before him.
i know its hard to remember a time
his presence didn't make your whole body shiver
and his eyes didn't make you
want to wrap your arms around his broken soul.
but there was life before him
and there will be life after

II. he may no longer love you but you have to love yourself.
i know you had yourself convinced
that he was the only one who could love
all your loose ends, all the pieces, all the brokenness.
but he doesn't anymore and its okay.
now you have to grow
to love all your scars, all your craziness, all your faults.
after all, you're the only one
that lives with the voices in your head

III. he was never meant to be your last
you both spoke words of forever, planned a future together.
with 3 dogs, 2 sons, and a huge house.
you never decided where
but maybe that's how you should have known.
and i know you may feel like you'll love him forever...and you will
but, sweatheart
he
was
never
meant
to
be
your
last
IV. it was real
V.  he is gone
VI. and you are still ******* breathing

you aren't
really the
person you
try to be.
you're
smoking in the cold
with people who
can't remember your name.
you're getting drunk
alone in your room
at 2am.
you're telling anyone
who will listen your
life secrets.
but i was captivated
by how you
collapsed into
yourself,
then poured all
that you are
into my body.
almost as if
you wanted me
to carry
the weight
of both our worlds
in the crevices
of my hips

you told me
yesterday
that you thought
stretch marks
were disgusting.
i immediately
looked down
and realized
you must
find me
utterly
r e p u l s i v e
because i have
stretch marks
on my heart.  
i have them
where there
was too much me
for my skin to
contain
leaving ugly
mocking lines.
but
i also have
s c a r s
from when
my head
wasn't enough
to keep the
thoughts in my
brain from
taking control
of my hands
so i'm wondering
what do you think
of those?

no
     amount
          of
              pills
                     will
                            ever
                           ­          make
                                            you
                                                  love  
       ­                                                yourself
                                                                ­ again.

i have a problem.
with not being able to
properly mourn.
my mantra is
find something new
to distract from the old.
and usually, that works..
for a little.
then i start feeling.
feeling the regret,
the anger,
the overwhelming sadness.
and it hits me like
a train that
this distraction
isn't distracting me
from the pain

i looked in
the mirror today
and didn't believe what
i saw staring back at me.
i saw scars of all different shapes
sparkle
almost as if to show me
the many times
i was
my own light
to guide me
through my sickness.
i saw years of
self hate and abuse
tumble off my shoulders
and down my back along
with my light brown locks.
i saw my eyes
screaming out
all my inner beauty,
trying to make it surface,
but never overpower.
and i saw
someone i loved.
someone i was proud to be.
someone worth saving.

how can you
plant yourself
inside my heart,
put down roots
inside my head,
push all of
what you are
into my body,
take over
my memory,
**** up
my sanity,
then just
walk
away

please forgive me
for all the lies i will tell,
all the hearts i will break,
for all the little pieces of you
i will take.
forgive me for all the
mistakes i will make,
the souls i will shake,
all the aches.
but most of all,
forgive me for the
way i treat myself
because im never kind,
always giving into
the demons in my mind.

she loved
anything
that provided
an escape
from her life.
when she was 7,
it was
disney movies.
that is where
she learned
its not normal for
daddys to hit mommys.
when she was 11,
it was
books.
the ink,
staining her fingers
as well as her heart
and her mind.
that was where
she learned
that when she said
no,
he was supposed
to stop.
when she was 16,
it was drugs.
powder, needles, pills.
and that is where
she learned
the true meaning
of escape.
getting so
h i g h
she never
felt the
l o w s.
at 20,
though, she
confused
e s c a p e
with
d i s a p p e a r i n g

she let him plant flowers
on her heart
the roots intertwining
with her soul,
vines wrapping
around her spinal cord
but soon, she realized
they were weeds
and tried to yank them from her chest
but it was much too late
for she could never grasp
the very roots
that kept her soul
**prisoner

what if this future i have
in my head isn't real?
it's nothing detailed,
because everyone likes
a little surprise.
it's like a rough sketch,
but what if there's never any
final product?
what if i never get to color
inside the lines?
what if there's never
a gorgeous masterpiece
for me to leave behind?
what then?

its 3:30 am
and my mind
has once again
found its way to you
and my bed
is starting to feel
like your arms
and my teeth
are aching
for your lips
and my neck
is begging
for your breath
and my *******
hands are
searching for
your back
and i
swear to god
my entire *******
existence
is depending
on the rhythm
of your
breathing

i've come to the decision to forget you.
you're toxic, like an energy plant leak & you ruined everything you've touched.
including me.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
you're reckless, like a roller coaster without a safety bar & i want off this ******* ride.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
you're nothing inside, an empty shell I tried to fill up with *** & text messages & love & attention but it was never enough.
i'm tired of not having enough left over to fill myself.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
you change like the seasons and i always mix up summer and winter & i'm getting far too hot and far too cold to stand it.
i've come to the decision to forget you
you're the worst kind of mysterious, because you're a mystery to yourself.
you never look in your dusty crevices to realize you're so much more than who you think you are.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
i'm no longer the one on your mind.
i'm no longer the one you want.
i'm no longer enough for you.
so i'm forgetting you.

i didn't
plan on falling
for you.
in fact,
i didn't
think i
could.
but look
at me now,
your hands
leaving me breathless
and your
breathe leaving
me with goosebumps.
even my skin
is seeking
your touch

i fall in love with
people who can
only seem to love
ghosts.
ghosts of past lovers,
ghosts of themselves,
ghosts of ghosts.
maybe when
i finish
diminishing myself
down to nothing,
ill be able to
be loved too.