i fall in love with
people who can
only seem to love
ghosts.
ghosts of past lovers,
ghosts of themselves,
ghosts of ghosts.
maybe when
i finish
diminishing myself
down to nothing,
ill be able to
be loved too.

i fell in love
with your smile.
the way your lips
pull back
to display
your perfect teeth.
and how your cheeks
look fuller
and slightly more
pink.
how your eyes
light up like
the stars
but your eyelids
droop,
to hide
the magic
that lies
beneath them.
your smile
is
like a
solar eclipse,
rare,
blinding,
and
completely
*******
worth
the
wait

like
petals
on
a
flower
after
full
bloom,
eventually
you
withered
away
and
became
dead
to
me
too

i saw you tonight.
you spoke first.
asked me how had i been.
told me i looked good.
and you have me a hug.
letting you near me was
my first mistake, but
dear god,
letting you touch me was fatal.
i was immediately reminded
of your smell which
brought back a thousand
******* wonderful memories.
and i was immediately
reminded of your arms
and the way they felt
secure around my frame
like nails in a coffin.
and i was immediately reminded
of how easily our bodies
fit together,
and how
******* amazing
the puzzle was.

you told me
i was too young
to understand
the basics of love
but that didn't stop
you from saying it
over and over.
you told me
i had problems.
that i was
too much
but also
not enough.
but that didn't stop
you from having me
in bed
over and over.
you told me
i had a choice,
that it was always
up to me.
but it wasn't
my decision
to do any
of this in the first place.
you told me
i was crazy,
but i guess she
was the kind of
crazy you were
looking for.
nothing was mine,
you even left
the same
finger print
bruises around
her neck.

she broke you.
she stepped
all over your
heart.
she left
it scattered
in pieces.
and
im the one
left cleaning
up a mess
i didn't make.
how
unfair is
it to put
someone back
together
just for them
to go back
to loving
the one
who trashed
them?

i've never really
been a nature
person.
but that day
i fell in love
with the way the ground
kissed the water
and the sun
made love to the
tops of the trees.
in that moment
i felt like i was
a part of something
bigger than this
****** up
human race.
and for once
i felt at peace.

smile so it distracts them from your sad eyes
2. not everyone is deep and poetic and unhappy. some people just are. let them be.
3. you are ******* gorgeous and powerful and intelligent even when you feel the complete opposite.
4. i promise you're worth more than what people have done to you.
5. keep going, you have people to prove wrong and you have yourself to make proud.
6. patience is a big key to happiness.
7. accept compliments but only give sincere ones.
8. people are always going to walk in and out of your life. let them. some people are here for a season, some complete rotations, and some forever.
9. its okay to be sad and cry and all that ****. but not forever.
**10. my god, you are something else entirely.

guys have a
habit of
f a l l i n g
into me
with no
safety vest.
i'm like the
sea during a
storm,
destructive and angry.
i'm like a drug,
they get addicted
to how high i
can make them feel
but forget about the
bad trips.
i'm like a book,
they want to
know every last
******* fiber,
every last ******* word
that can help
them try
to understand my content.
but they get to the end of the book
and realize
they didn't comprehend a **** thing.
i'm like a scar with a big back story.
i started out as a good thing,
a saving grace almost.
but don't worry,
eventually i'll become toxic
and i'll leave them
with marks
they never
want to
explain.

everything bad happens for a reason, i think. 
everything good happens by chance, by luck. 
i never really planned a good thing that's happened in my life. 
they just kind of happened. 
that night with the cows. 
the night with the bottle and a back road. 
the day we got too ****** to move from your bed. 
so we discovered each other instead. i still know how many freckles you have, how many scars were from jumping off ****. 
you always swore you could fly. 
that one weekend we threw together and called it a good time. 
that night in the car, the rain coming down. 
i was buzzed, off cheap wine and young love. 
i said i think it's early, but i think i love you. 
the day at the beach when for once my family didn't fight. 
all unplanned, all amazing. 
the bad things though, i hand picked them. 
i couldn't of chosen better.

do you ever
have moments
of extreme
epiphany?
like you
suddenly
realize
someone isn't
who you thought
they were.
and nothing is
more strange
then seeing
someone you've
shared your darkest
secrets with
and not being
able to  
recognize
them.

you
cannot
be
fixed
by
the
same
person
that
broke
you.

its hard to
move on
when everyone is
the same.
you think you
can catch a break
but all you catch
is your tears
falling
with the back
of your
hands

everything stopped
for a moment or two
when we heard the news.
then chaos emerged
and tears flowed.
people fell apart
while everyone came
together.
we were holding each
other up
while we ourselves
were on the ground.
questions were asked
but the only one that
mattered
was how could
he do it
and leave us all shattered?
but then i realized
it wasn't about us.
it was about something bigger
and im sorry the world *****.

i don't miss
your mouth
nearly as much
as i miss your
eyes.
your mouth
whispered
secrets into
my skin but
your eyes,
my god,
you eyes
told me
stories and
they held
the lies
that eventually
broke me

there's something
wrong with my mind.
it no longer seems to be
mine.
chaos erupts and panic ensues.
an earthquake starts
in my mind
and my sanity starts
crumbling.
some days i feel so high,
untouchable even.
but soon after,
i crash land into
a pool of depression
that i barely pull
myself out of before i start
to drown in it.
i hear you but never see you.
why are you hiding from me?
why are you here in the first place?
are you even here?
**** im doing it again.
why can't i breathe why can't i see why can't i hear everything is unclear.
in. out. in. out.
please send help
before my lungs collapse on themselves
before i drown
before i start seeing where the voices are coming from
before i stop getting out of bed
before it becomes too much
before

I have forgotten how to
live a life without you
I cant remember a before
and I didn't even
imagine an after
I thought breathing
when I was with you
was difficult
but without you
I am on the verge
of suffocation

i love being this high. 
where i can't feel a thing. 
but i can feel everything, all at once, every fiber of my being I can feel. 
i don't know if this is a good thing. 
all i can think about were those morning **** rips with your family, 
margarita night with your mom. 
i loved the **** out of you, and that was always the problem wasn't it? 
i accepted too much, i had seen too much of you. 
always one for mystery. 
i miss how your breathe felt on my neck. 
I miss how your eyes looked in the morning, my ******* vampire of a man. 
covered in me, and you, and us. 
and that one mistake of a afternoon. 
 and everything you tried to fake. 
you can't fake something like that. 
you can't fake the way my hands felt on your neck in the early hours of the day. 
it's okay, though. 
it turned out better than we had ever thought possible.

im drunk
and im alone
and im ******* depressed
and im happy
and im sad
and im sane
and im phsyco
and im not me
and i am
and i love you
and i hate you
and im pretty sure
i left my mind
in the last bed we shared

and the ocean
taught me
how to
welcome people
back into my mind
like the shore welcomes
the tide
and i said your name
today and it
didn't feel like
throwing up
razors
and i
remembered the way
you tilted your head
when you smiled
but the ocean
never taught me
how to wash
away images
so im stuck
with how
you looked
the last time you
told me you loved me.

its been days
weeks even
since I've felt this
l
  o
    w
i guess
i thought
if i didn't
think about it,
its wouldn't matter.
but here i am,
holding a razor
in my
trembling hand
and my tears
almost blinding me,
it is now
that i realize
you can
close your eyes
to your fears
but you
can never close
your head
to your
demons

i want
a lifetime love.
a love that
always keeps me
on my toes
but rarely leaves
me in tears.
a love that
makes me
want to give
and give
and give
and never
empty,
never hollow.
new and different
yet familiar
and routine.
i want a love
that has it all.

life is a never ending
tragedy.
not even
shakespeare
could beat
life's plot lines

it's weird
to think
there was
a time
i didnt
know you.
because now
you're all i think about
and the only one i
want to give my time to.
you're holding
my heart
in the palms of
your hands.
please, don't drop it.
when your hands
start feeling
heavy from the
burden of my love,
just give it back
gently.

this is a different kind of heartbreak. 
it's the kind that you feel everywhere. 
you wake up with your bones, aching.
short of breathe from one too many cigarettes the night before. 
i see you in my dreams. 
the you you were before. 
before the truth, before the outrage. 
before reality kicked in. 
you don't love her like you want to. 
and you never will. 
you can't love a copy when you're still loving the blueprint.

i remember when
that song was
just a song
and i didn't
think of you
every time it
came on
i remember when
that place was
just a place
and i didn't
see you there
every time i
decided to visit
but i don't
remember
a time i
thought of perfection
and didn't think
of
you

these halls
are haunted
with memories
of you.
your laugh
still reverberates
off these walls
and
your voice
is the
constant hum
that makes
my bones crack.
i see
you in all
the places
we use to be,
the corner where
you'd just sit and hold me
and i swear to god
i can still feel
the warmth
that was you
wrapping around
my throat.
"forever" meant
until you
find someone
less crazy than me.
i hope
forever is
just as temporary
for me because
my bones are still
aching and
my heart is still pouring
out the promises
you broke and
i still can't say
your name without
wanting to *******
drown myself

"you were always
a giver.
sorry i couldn't
give more."

how can you go weeks, even months without talking or being or existing with another person but the moment you see them your old routines and habits and jokes and memories just fall back into place and everything feels right and you finally feel whole enough to breathe again?

god
i'm so ******* unhappy
but its easier to act
happy
then explain why
you're not.

i don't actually
know what im
doing in life.
all i know is
that you look better
smiling at me
in bed
then
i ever looked
alone in
my own.

will
you
still
love
me
when
i
lose
my
mind?

you always
have to remember
there is
a sunrise
after a sunset
there is
a door opening
as one closes
and there
is
love after love
always

i'm addicted to my scars
the way they tell stories
better than i could ever explain
the way they make
constellations of my pain
and make people
take a second look
i'm forever a victim
to reliving
what i barely
lived through

ive run out of words to describe the way your hands feel gripping the sides of my face

i don't miss you
i miss the way
you breathed life
into the most dead
parts of my
soul
how your fingers
touched me like
a sacred religious
text
how your eyes held the galaxy
and your arms
held me
together

i never
really cared
what people
thought about me.
it was always
how i thought
about me.
and that's what
is the worst part,
no one could
make me stop
but myself.

today
im seeing you
in every place we've ever
been
and my
*******
god
i just
want
to feel
whole
again

i want to know what nickname you have for her. 
i wonder if it's the same thing you called me. 
i want to know how it felt when you ****** her for the first time. 
was it better? 
was it love? 
you're the only person ive ever made love with.
the real cheesy kind. 
the kind you see in the movies, or read in adult novels. 
we were one. one body, one soul, one mind. 
we could both twist the situation to make ourselves look better. 
but, at the end of it all we loved to a fault. 
we loved to a limit we didn't know existed. 
we were never really forever, i see that now. 
but i know, sometimes when you look at her, laying beside you in your bed, you're thinking of that week at the beach when every morning you woke up to my hair in your face and my arm strewn across your chest. 
and i know sometimes, when you **** her, you think about how different i made you feel and how much you miss that thing i did with my tongue. 
little things like that, are what you're going to miss. 
while im here wondering what you told your parents about her.

can i say
your eyes are like
an ocean?
because i drown in them
every time and
i will
never show
resistance to
the waves.
i'd be at peace
inside you,
because finally,
we would
be one
and the
ache to be
surrounded
by you will
finally
disappear.

i have a
way with words.
but i never could
quite talk myself
out of loving
you.
and you're
still in every
poem i write.
so maybe,
i just have
a way with you.