"She's lost control"
She said it first
the words you'd buried deep

You had your path steady in hand
before this swift defeat

what happens when you fall in love with somebody

                                          in a dream?

I am a villain in somebody’s story
Multiple perhaps
more than likely

And that is excruciating.

I wish I could’ve done right by every single one of them

    So every indention of me left brings only warmth

dull, white lights
and softer smiles
a gentle touch
in hindsight files

replay and replay
in flickering lights
I can't reach out
but I know you fight

the same desires.

tension present and always grows
face to face
where nobody knows

but me and you.

words
pixelated and white
drawing from a blindness of absolution
in my hands

if what you said rings true,
I never grew
and Foresight implied intrinsic lies
I could never rectify

the monsters I pushed and pulled from her
grew loud in my brain
a steady purr
as I sunk
and sink
into the person I never wanted to be.

I finally found a pulsing draw
to pull me from my faults
Something that brought my heart to life
and sang beyond past falls
I fell in hard, I fell in fast
and in it I found ways
To free the darkness of my heart
and let it roar in waves.

if you'll leave
why'd you bring me black coffee in bed?

I can talk about it

Easy

How my body slips between the sheets
The things I do while on my knees

It’s beautiful

I’m proud of the pleasure of my skin
Always looking for ways to win
The attention of what makes me feel good

I can talk about it

But does holding that pleasure
And lustrous needs
Out of the hands of hungry thieves
Deplete my sexuality?

I don’t think so.
I’m no lesser of promiscuous
Because I pick and choose of us
Those I share myself with

It’s hilarious
Truly
How when it’s just you and me
Things are perfect

But insert an external muse
Of amusement
Something neither of us care for
Still some score
Is kept
Between and the tension sweeps
And I can’t keep clean

All I know is I wish it would stop
And I wish you would stop
Because it disgusts me
And thrusts me
Deeper into the *****
of something I never even cared for

Because it’s farther away from both of you
Because neither of you
Want me for me
And that is disgusting

if you get what you deserve
just know it isn't what you've heard

the devil has a way with words.

i won't stop til my medicine
                        is biotin and mindfulness.

pack up those ridged teeth
step outside your crooked heat

I'd have loved you

                if you'd wanted me to

"Why can't we ever see eye to eye?"

Of course not, everyone's a different height

I'll watch her foster illness
harbored in my own sick heart
we cannot beat
in mutual heat
because we both are      art.

no lead between my chest,

                             just love.

it was then i knew to quit trying
the unrequited lure -- to quit lying
to myself in lieu of her silence
begging to the moon to requite this

but it was never more -- to her
it was never care -- to her
just fistfuls of hair and
fleeting lust

maybe even that was too much.

I'm tired of this platter,
the pieces I've served and the lies I've heard



you don't want me.

I locked my heart away in a body
I swore did not exist

Still somehow handed her the tools
to push on, and persist

I'm weak and scorched and slightly torched
but

                            didn't you do this?

you confirmed all of my horrors
when you said you can't touch me sober

you sped up my heart,
only he had since turned

when lying with you, I felt not steady  
                               hurt..

I forgot I was sick
I forgot I was his

or his
                      or his  
                                             or his

I'm so scared of this and these following words,
because now to that list, I might have to add

a "her"

i haven't seen those two names put together in a while.

a comfortable silence reflective of an instant
where some blissful time existed
                                        for who we used to be.

but we don't talk anymore.

I was told once that emptiness is bliss

So I pumped my blood full of

ignorance


And temporary fixes

I remember us, the sorry way we slept
        the last night in my bed

The pictures of us hung from briars in my chest
    a nest
                     of infidelity
            uncertainty

Not to another but to a forgotten version

                   of us

for which the other was not
  
                              enough

Don't ask me if i see it,
or throw words in blatancy
if you think i haven't noticed how your bones feel
under me

when i look away or play you off
and hard resist
to indulge those thoughts
its cause i'm caught
in my debilitating illness

sans flaws sans scars in all you are
I'm wary of your mind
because in this mentality,
I fear its just like mine.

ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow

i still remember everything
as he fell short asleep
his patterned breathing echoed
in the ears of faded dreams

I'd wanted this
i'd wanted this
the moment came and went

why do i keep on giving in
to fleeting tests of skin?

still sunlight stripped the bedroom
as the cold seeped through my bones
i turned to find it empty
i awoke, i was alone

no quiet stir
or soft murmur
no sleepy morning quips
no muffled sigh
or silken thigh
to hook over my hips

i laid my head upon no chest
i traced no collarbone,
and my back against no body
said this was no longer home.

the list of names grows longer in honor
of every night awake
They say it won't matter but everything shatters
and I'm fine to put it away.

You can say it any way,
but I'm playing games
still torn each time they walk
away.

hearts can lie sometimes.

in the simplicity of the moment, when the ache and burn of need
so purely bleeds

hearts can lie sometimes,

when you awake to find the need has leaked and you must leave a perfect thing for evidently no
reason.

hearts can lie sometimes.

what if i don't miss you?

                           what if i just want to leave this place?

it's so easy to be with you,
laughing in your bed.

it's so easy to imagine I never left

I thought you said we are a team,

       I’m for you, and you’re for me


but teams are made of players,

                          so I guess I should’ve seen.

I feel like property you check in
Every now and then

To make sure that my weeds are clear

        so someone can move in

You don't have to tell me why
my gods look like you

My hell was populated with gray clouded flames,
merciless darkened waves,
All-encompassing and blinded by faith
of new tastes

and everything remained the same
                                         sickening gray.

But you tasted like spring
with a touch of grace
and suddenly I could say
the things I felt and learned to need

outside of me.

Instead of drowning in ropes of flashflood restraint,
I clung to your hips
and learned to worship

at the ground of something
                                                   holy.

You may not have those crooked teeth,

But I still wonder
Is there somewhere


You can meet                

              me?

I used to turn my brain off for days
But now I think in waves
Incessant slideshows


of you

Do you know how desperately I wish


     we were right for each other?

i wish it was easier

            i wish some switch in my methodical brain sent streams burst through the levies

                                       a safe space to land
in all encompassing darkness

  
       but love stays

                                      which makes this pain

                                                                                  unbearable.

im mourning us
                                                   while holding onto what i begged and pleaded the universe
                                        to return to me

But she turned a deaf ear
so now we're here


and I can't yet fix everything.

I hate my inner *****
                                 who flares recurringly, consistently,
        cruelly to the surface upon those
                                                            who least deserve it.

I hate my inner narcissist
                                        who rears herself
                                                                            so cleanly
                              on the outer sleeve of
                                                   Me
          bashing down while lifting me up
                                                            on the shoulders of
                                            comparison

I hate my learned complexes
                                    bred not of my parents
            but of a woman who saw                       a light
                             and sought only to
                                                                         consume it.

I hate how amid the dread and sin
                               every rippled part of these indentions below my skin
                                      I must completely forgive them.