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 Sep 2019 avalon
 Sep 2019 avalon
some nights you feel as if you have to be gentle with the air
if you **** at it too hard it will burst
like when you touch something
you aren’t actually touching it
and when you’re alone you’ve got someone right over your shoulder

ever notice how there are too many cars in the parking lot to be probable?
what are all of these empty machines doing just sitting here?

sometimes i switch faces
i always recognize the one i see but i don’t think it’s the one i’ve always had

i better turn the car on before something quiet gets me
i wrote this after i saw the movie midsommar. it is truly a masterpiece.
 Aug 2019 avalon
the routine
 Aug 2019 avalon
is this not me?
the 2 a.m. questioning and
the brokenness of my body?
the loneliness and the doubt?
the wondering if i want this now
only because i think i will never
have it again?

is this version of me
any less true
than the version that is proud
and loud and brave?
is this not who i am?
is this not just as much me
as i was when i was
so different?

i wonder how i can swing like a pendulum
so violently from safe to scared
and then i remember
that i have never been steady
and i have never been brave enough
and i have never learned to be honest

this is me learning honesty

what do i want?
how do i ask that question
without fearing the answer?
how? how? who?

is this not me, too?
ju and friends. i’ve made a decision or two recently that i was comfortable with until i was questioned about them. i want to say that how i feel about them tomorrow is how i feel for real, but is this version of me that is scared and regretful not just as true as the other? who can i possibly believe? how can i introduce them when neither has a name?
 May 2019 avalon
sour apple ale
 May 2019 avalon
i get myself dizzy
and remember why i fell in love
with your steadiness.
jcl. every time, always.
 Apr 2019 avalon
Fill in the blanks:

1. After months of sleeping next to you, today I woke up, rolled over to see your face, and was (      ).
a) in love
b) complete
c) nervous
d) alone
e) all of the above

2. I (      ) you because I (      ) you.
a) ****, love
b) love, ****

3. I (      ) you because I (      ) you.
a) lost, hurt
b) hurt, lost

4. Towards the end it was clear things weren't working out, but when I  (      ) you I still felt like (      ).
a) kissed, a school boy
b) resented, trying
c) came inside, a god
d) lost, ****
e) all of the above

5. It's devastating because I tried so hard (      ) I knew we were never going to work.
a) even though
b) until
c) after
d) because
e) to pretend

6. We had *** in (      ).
a) our apartments
b) our friends' apartments
c)  the Tonga Room
d) the workplace
e) misery

7. I was (      ), you were (      ), it was (      ).
a) in love, in love, amazing
b) trying, trying, trying
c) yours, yours, yours
d) trying, tired, over
e) real, real, real

8. You never let me (      ), you said it was private.
a) read your recipe book
b) see you ***
c) run with you
d) do yoga with you
e) get to know you

9. I wanted to (      ) you, you wanted to (      ) me.
a) love, love
b) ****, ****
c) possess, escape
d) marry, forget
e) all of the above

10.  When things were at their best we were always (      ).
a) laughing
b) together
c) *******
d) doomed
e) all of the above
 Mar 2019 avalon
everything is sticky sweet in the summer
blackberries in the backyard bushes
and honeysuckle lips soft as the breeze
nothing quite as tender as morning molasses
oh, the way it sticks
to me
accent work. read this in a breathy, southern belle mississippi drawl. i don’t usually make the names of my poems too specific to the poem itself, but “morning molasses” just paints a beautiful picture.
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