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1d · 57
fragment #26
avalon 1d
“she sees the world in shades of red,” he muses. i’m not sure what he means, but i see the fascination in his eyes when he looks at her. or was it desire?

i open my mouth impulsively. “do you love her?”

he laughs softly and turns to look at me. “do you always ask questions to which you already know the answer?” there is a curiosity in his eyes when he looks at me. not in a she’s mysterious and lovely type of way, but rather she is nothing if not strange and unpredictable. i wish it were the former, but i am more than content to simply keep him on his toes.

i look back at audessa, in all her bewildering beauty and rose tones, and for the first time feel no envy. “i wonder how intimate one must be with pain,” i murmur, “to wear it so beautifully.”

his expression falls ever so slightly as he glances back at audessa. “very intimate indeed.”
May 2 · 33
gag reflex
avalon May 2
someone once told you that your bitterness was like dark chocolate,
a delicacy, something unusual and rich and exquisite.
i'm here to tell you that even the bitterest of chocolate is sweet
compared to you.
avalon May 2
my perpetual discontent has eaten me alive for the last time. the hours i spend alone and wondering leave a burning sensation in my eyes and my throat and i wish there was another way to feel desirable and stop feeling the need to compete. i wish i felt complete.

it is one thing to be seen and wanted and entirely another to be known and loved. i need a drink.
May 2 · 36
fragment #25
avalon May 2
“people used to describe me as innocent,” she said, gazing unaffectedly at her reflection. “i always thought that was bad. i tried to convince them otherwise.” she paused, twisting a lock of hair around her finger. “nowadays i’d do anything for people to look at me that way again.”
May 2 · 41
fragment #24
avalon May 2
“i’m truthfully not sure I ever loved him,” she says. i can see the glint of tears in her eyes, but it isn’t sadness as much as it is shame. she looks away. “but god, i loved the way he looked at me.”
avalon Apr 28
apology... accepted.
how is it i am meant to return fire with
a smile
i take every blow with the grace
i could never find in you.
do you rip kindness out of me
for the **** of it
or because you don't have your own?
avalon Apr 28
you told me yesterday that it was too late,
that my name would forever lie
in the place just beyond your mind's eye,
that significance would always be tied
to the way my letters look on a page.
i think maybe your name should come
with a warning sign, a disclaimer that states:
if you touch me, i will forever wish
for what's not mine
.
avalon Apr 16
i only saw you that one time
and i fell a little in love.
it wasn't you, not really,
you were a reflection
of the loneliness
i projected.
but when i shouted into the void,
you called back.
i guess that's something.
Mar 23 · 65
his eyes are blue
avalon Mar 23
i never understood people who liked those who weren't good for them.

then i met you.
Mar 20 · 66
dating an artist
avalon Mar 20
i fell in love with the version of me that you created.
when you left it was two heartbreaks in one.
Mar 8 · 114
i am a small girl
avalon Mar 8
i am a small girl and many think i am harmless. i am disarming. i am smiles and laughter and the way your eyes look when you feel understood. i am the light reflected in your irises.

i am a small girl and many think i am harmless. i am charming. i am small touches on your cheekbones and feeling your fingers interlace through mine. i am the warmth of a lie.

i am a small girl and many think i am harmless. i am alarming. i am your heartbeat when it falters and breaks in your chest. i am regret. i am the shaking of your voice and your hands when the anger inside you coats your lips and tongue in sand.

i am harming. i am salt in a wound that i created, i am the only cure that keeps disease aggravated, i am shards of glass in the water that keeps you alive.

i am a small girl and i thought i was harmless. it was a lie.
Mar 6 · 126
ribbons
avalon Mar 6
i'm scared of you. are you scared of me? my fear replaces your face in my dreams. does your body ripple up and down like acid is eating your bloodstream? the ribbons in my arteries ache as they're trembling. i wrap my ribbons slowly and sweetly and tightly and they're trembling. are you scared of you? i'm scared of me.
Mar 6 · 77
ricochet
avalon Mar 6
i can see you hurting but i see myself
melting and i just can't look
away. the fire
mesmerizes me and also the
pain. i know i don't speak like i used to. i can see you
hurting. you reach out to touch me and i
recoil
not because i can't see you hurting but because i am on
fire. can you see me
burning?
avalon Mar 4
manic!depressionmanicdepression manic. ]
shhhhh her mind sleeps slowly and breathes
she doesn't think her fingers need time to bleed her breath
bleeds she
takes a breath and beats time back into his box.
he rattles.
no no that's me , that is me again. rattling.
ribs are useless. maybe i have three lungs and no heart. i feel only breaths and no beating,
only the beating of time in his box and
he screams. no
no that is me.
Mar 4 · 110
Untitled
avalon Mar 4
my fists are beating themselves again and i dont feel .
Feb 25 · 188
brittle
avalon Feb 25
the days at the end of july
fall apart in my fingertips.
i wrote this in july
Feb 25 · 53
i-
avalon Feb 25
i-
why would i bother trying to make my words appease you? we are two equal wholes of this and i still look for you to complete me.
avalon Feb 25
come back to me when you finally realize
you can't find peace within yourself

i'd love to talk.
Feb 25 · 42
Untitled
avalon Feb 25
i'd give up a lot to be neurotypical
Feb 20 · 66
fixation
avalon Feb 20
i have the sort of anxiety that makes you feel like there are sugar granules embedded in the first layer of your skin and they're vibrating.

do you ever feel that way?
avalon Feb 7
i have found a hole of hurting
but my heart is whole besides
it seems the rivers still keep turning
and no love controls the tides

i have seen a little moonlight
i have loved a little less
i have watched my sisters fistfight
i have seen my mother kiss

i have held a hand in mourning
i have seen a girl in love
the differences aren't striking
when you're looking from above

i have told the truth at some times
and at others told a lie
i have felt a beam of sunshine
i have seen my father cry

i have found my hollow heaven
and it isn't far from home
i have lived a life of living
i will die at last alone

i have seen a thousand endings
i have felt a life begin
i have far preferred beginnings
but this is at an end.
& it isn't far from home
avalon Feb 3
you ask too many questions
as if i know my mind
i don't know anything but the way
your name rests
on my tongue.
Jan 27 · 67
be loved
avalon Jan 27
if you hold his hand and he doesn't love you,

i mean,
if you hold your own hand
in his
             if you love him and he doesn't love you
are you holding your heart together? is this
hard for you
yet

      i said never hold the hand of the boy who
cares
in all the wrong ways

i said these things
i said

be loved
Dec 2018 · 100
Untitled
avalon Dec 2018
have you seen the way she holds them? she holds them in her eyes.
Dec 2018 · 247
Untitled
avalon Dec 2018
our last wish died and we didn't even mourn her
Dec 2018 · 98
that One time i
avalon Dec 2018
maybe if i stop writing my regrets into permanence
they will die
Dec 2018 · 140
selective
avalon Dec 2018
only romantic when i’m alone in bed
Nov 2018 · 194
winter; love.
avalon Nov 2018
we avoid love that makes us weak;
we dance slowly on the cusp of winter
the mountain we neither touch nor reach;
are you as bare and brittle as the trees?
growing cold and thin in the shadow of
the love we seek.

many hundred trees grow bare as we speak, grow colder and thinner and weak. the brittle bones of the mountain can't compare with the way we feel when we reach. we are ever-reaching, ever constant beams of forget-me-not and please for the love of god don't break (or scream)

even birds avoid the brittle branches, but
this brokenness is harder to see.

we avoid the love we seek;
growing cold and thin in the shadow of
the mountain we neither touch nor reach;
are you as bare and brittle as the trees?
we dance slowly on the cusp of winter
love makes us weak.
Nov 2018 · 213
fragment #23
avalon Nov 2018
“why would you intentionally allow someone to wield power over you? you step perfectly in place for them to checkmate you.”

“yes,” i say with a smile. “that’s the point.”

she scowls. “losing?”

“giving enough of yourself to another person that you have something to lose.”
Nov 2018 · 83
fragment #22
avalon Nov 2018
“i kissed you because i wanted to kiss you,” she says. “isn’t that enough?”

no! i can’t bring myself to honesty. looking her in the eyes is like dancing with fire. dangerous. “i kissed you because i want to be with you,” i offer, looking away.

she tenses. it’s the most affected i have ever seen her.
Nov 2018 · 161
snakeskin
avalon Nov 2018
can't go back. talking to you at this point feels like trying to unshed a skin. uncomfortable and discontent, i think i am better off without the feeling of you looking at me like this. as if i planned it, as if i knew the taste of you would bend and snap, like an unwrapped ******* that sat too long. i knew people sometimes got stale like food but who was to say it wouldn't be different with you. unfortunately nothing is different; you are only you and i am only me, only a girl with a thousand shed skins
at a loss for how to proceed.
Sep 2018 · 65
today i forget to think.
avalon Sep 2018
i stand at the doorway and know where it goes.
i keep knocking and i wait for anyone but this ******* self.

who is my self? different people held together by a string? a shelf? a suitcase of forgotten touches and bad health?

i forget myself over and over again.
where are you?

we wait. together on the doorway, opposite sides.
no plant hangs from me.

freedom lays where you left her. bring her with you next time.
i wait at the doorway and stop.

knock.
hello me.
Sep 2018 · 80
Bombers.
avalon Sep 2018
stop DRIVING me INSANE
i ask for NOTHING and you still disappoint.
i just want you
and you want destruction.
avalon Sep 2018
I Love That i am value in your gut easiness of me. You Think nothing with a price, only with the warmth in your belly. Red hot Comfort in the laugh of a god, The laugh of a girl in discomfort. I am alone in my world, alive in your palms touching mine. Too wide am I for this. you. give me another price tag Why Don't you. measure up, word smith. I'm here.
avalon Sep 2018
***** it. my Finger stiff of cold. she doesn't care but i do, typing pop pop on keys too soft to snap. I'm full of **** and **** faced of me, praying for A New Thing to come along, any new thing works for me. hm. Wild Thoughts and yikes a little too much Love From Me. affectionate failure is still Bad when I am pretty.

bad things come here when i Say More Words than for me. Hold trinkets of apathy. Drop me.
avalon Sep 2018
i'm forgiveness alone in the booth. Ten cards from the deck of promises, two glasses mirroring my own. French. fingers shaky but on the inside, she holds her own hand. old. wood and wooden tables People talk. they hold their eyes and legs and wish they were not talking as they do. The talk is more, the talk is less. Words forget and for the Window Booth sit. alone. forgiveness.
Sep 2018 · 59
leaf-light in Red dowries
avalon Sep 2018
two statues in red as the bird growls. the small chatter of a bear in flight, chattering and the clouds fall into it. fairy light toads pop into the windows of her sweater. she is alone! and the popcorn sizzles. cooking another tea bottle, another burning cup! she eats it and her fingernails grow. contentment in the soul comes with leaves. soup them together! grow his hair! wrap yourself in shower water and breathe outward. the inward air grows stale and forgets its leaves. remember.

two deer walk together in the Deep Sea. neither better or alone. she holds them until her fingers bleed. red dowries.
avalon Aug 2018
i've seen both and can now testify that loneliness is less painful when you really are alone. it's like the difference between the pain of a stomach ache and a bruise; it's a comfort when you can see the cause of your pain. i'm at peace with myself. finding patience. bruises fade.
Aug 2018 · 126
oldie
avalon Aug 2018
these days feel like the crumbs you get at the bottom of the cereal box. not half as good but i’m still reaching my hand in and scraping them from the folds at the bottom of the bag. dust in my fingernails and the gross feeling that comes with too much sugar and wishing i had another day, another bowl of cereal to end on, wishing i hadn’t taken so much already. i’m going to have to buy another box soon. too soon.








i like the old days.
Aug 2018 · 83
crutches
avalon Aug 2018
you’re the only person i feel safe talking to and somehow even that scares me.

safety. terrifyingly illusory. i wish i could pick and choose my fears, decide for myself what was worth my anxiety, worth hours and hours of tears and self-lies. i don’t know how good i have to be to have made it, how far i have to go to feel at home in myself.

sometimes i think you might be
a crutch
but without you
it's a bit too
much.
Jul 2018 · 1.1k
sunset blues
avalon Jul 2018
yesterday you said i'm the best thing
but if that's true
why do you say i'm bad for you
once the sun goes down
Jul 2018 · 111
betterment
avalon Jul 2018
i keep telling people i'm bettering myself for myself,
to be the type of person i would like,
someone i can be happy being,
when really i'm just lost and
reaching for anything
that could make me worth loving.
i'm not enough on my own.
Jun 2018 · 182
fragment #21
avalon Jun 2018
"esmeralda."

“it certainly slides off the tongue, doesn’t it,” i say.

her eyes are the darkest shade of blue i’ve ever seen. remarkable. “no,” she says, chin up. “neither do i.”
Jun 2018 · 85
fragment #20
avalon Jun 2018
“i don’t understand you, esi. you claim to be unaffected by any trifles of love and yet i see the way you look at a sunrise. how can you love one so dearly and still abandon its twin so entirely? romance is the sister of the sun.”

“what good does it do me to believe in something i cannot achieve? i know myself and the intricacies of my inner being. i am not the sort of girl who falls in love.”
Jun 2018 · 136
fragment #19
avalon Jun 2018
“why are you so afraid?”

one hundred fleeting thoughts run through my head and i can’t seem to hold onto any of them because none of them compare to how much i want to kiss him in this moment.
Jun 2018 · 365
fragment #18
avalon Jun 2018
“i am tired of dreaming about you,” i desperately want to sound indifferent, but my eyes are watering and he knows he knows he knows--

he smirks, closing the gap between us with only a step. “i am the only thing you will ever dream about,” he murmurs.
avalon Jun 2018
you keep asking me why i'm trying so hard this time and i don't know what to say because there's not a beautiful way to tell you that i'm scared to death of my own nature, scared of my innate inconstancy but even more afraid of the intimacy i crave. living on a pedestal isn't as fun as it used to be and now even the sky feels like another corner.

turns out i'd rather be in a corner with you.
avalon Jun 2018
i think our souls will wrap around each other forever.
every moment we spend together feels like
dangling on a precipice and
coming home.
i think our souls will wrap around each other forever.
Jun 2018 · 131
fragment #17
avalon Jun 2018
“i feel,” she says, with a distant look in her eyes. “that i would very much like to kiss you.” she looks up, all hesitance and fragility. the cold demeanor that previously set her apart had dissolved like mist in the air, and now just this pale, sharp girl was left; ragged curls and hesitant eyes.
Jun 2018 · 382
fragment #16
avalon Jun 2018
she begins speaking and the words flow smoothly. the language is seductively soft, like a snake hissing before sinking its teeth in. the fear in their eyes is justified but i’m too familiar with death to fear it.

death is an old master.

she’s new.
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