Joy - Hello Poetry

Joy Jul 2017

I fumbled through a description of what I was feeling, with little to no decipherable plot and/or chronology of the events that had happened to me. I picked through the memories and seasons of on and off depression as a child picks through blades of grass absent-mindedly, abstaining from truly feeling and connecting. I was afraid. She knew it. I knew it. My body knew it, and spoke in silent volumes to convey that it did not want to be there. How powerful the human consciousness must be then to override the desire to bolt, finding purpose in the unknown - or perhaps, how invertedly weak to find danger in fifty minutes of in depth conversation.

July, 2017

Joy Jul 2017

"Turtles"

In the thrilling saga that is
My Neurosis
I have finally decided to
Seek help -
Popping prozac,
Coupled with telling a
Kind woman
About my three hour WebMD purge sessions
And
My deep fear of speaking out loud
For about
Fifty minutes a week.

The next chapter will be titled
"Support Groups: Sitting In a Circle With Strangers As We Compare Our Obessive Spirals on Fears of Death, Fears of Living, and Fixations With Folding Laundry."

This is not as much poetry as it is just ranting about the **** that's going on in my life in a quirky format. Humor is my coping mechanism, just as much as semantics, spoonerism, and creatively enveloping my feelings into a metaphor is - so I suppose that's my *poetry.* Today, I met with a therapist for the first time and told her about my OCD. The eye contact was terrifying and as she told me a bit about herself, I was itching for her or myself to make a joke about my fears, her past, the flowers, *literally, anything.* I sometimes think about how dark this would all sound to someone I know. If any of my friends found this page, they'd be like fucucuckccukckkkkk I thought you were just awkward. Yeah, JOKES ON YOU I'M ACTUALLY MISERABLE LIKE ALL THE TIME haha. Anyways.

I'm working on a slam poetry piece that I want to perform before the medication fully kicks in and I loose my sad boi side to myself again. It's about OCD, and how ******* ******* ****** up it is that it's portrayed as a personality trait rather than an actual debilitating mental illness in the media. If you're still reading, then congrats. I'm gonna go **** with my Bop It Extreme 2 for a bit to blow off some steam ya feel.

July, 2017

#ocd

Joy Jul 2017

stop smiling, stop giggling

Is there a ****** orientation guru
And if so,
Could I meet
(Him/Her)
And know why
You turn me every
Which way
Upside down?

The first time I kissed a boy, I got very grossed out and broke up with him the next day.

Saying that I'm sexually confused makes me feel like that episode of Butters in South Park where he's bicurious. I suppose that's a Class-A example of invalidating someone's journey or whatever the **** but I could care less. I just want some answers and would like to know why without dealing with the backlash.

July, 2017

Joy Jul 2017

if his life was vaudeville

And some days the hours run like
Black and white films.
Flickering shadows,
Blank noise,
The hours tick by
Like clicks on a Kodak roll.
Between it all,
A mind as handsome as
The fool on screen
Taps the light
To bring the scene
To an eggshell cream.

July, 2017

Joy Jul 2017

all tangled up inside

All the loose laces of my childhood
Are being strewn into one
Big,
Fat,
Lethargic
Bundle
And I am
Knot sure
How to feel

July, 2017

Joy Jul 2017

I don't know what it is

Call it experience, self-protection
Or even just "listening to their gut" -
But people can smell self-hatred
Like a pile of dog ****

What made me think of this was this kid I work with. He's so eager for attention yet so . . Neurotic, I suppose would be the right word? It's sad. He makes bad jokes, and talks about how much he hates himself to strangers. I find myself squirming with discomfort whenever I'm in a conversation with him, as are others, because he's so friggen unsettling. I know what it's like-

It sometimes feels like people are built in with confidence sensors, and it's terrifying to think that suddenly all of our emotions can be exposed to people by something seemingly insignificant like how quickly we react or the speed of our speech.
July, 2017

#anxiety #angst #confidence #speech #reactions #social

Joy Jul 2017

the news

And it always comes in like a bombshell -
For the next few days the world is whitewashed,
With all the lights incredibly bright
And for a while,
My ears are wringing out all of the
Tumtulous
Noise waves, washing away
Everything but
what's essential to survive.

It's funny - I initially wrote this about a depressive episode. I spelled "ringing" wrong before realizing that it created the perfect image. And then after I wrote this I got some uncomfortable news, and clicked the title in. I think it's fitting.

July, 2017