it’s hard to be afraid when I am with you
“and to you, darling, to you, when I am with you.”
it’s been good, and also a new kind of rough
baby, I like it rough
until the distance between us took me
shook me
violently by the shoulders
at this point I have all the love I ever needed
is this real life
and where is the fear
they have so much to say, like
it wasn’t meant to be, or,
I’m an easy girl, and too innocent
for dangerous things
hold up, I’m the youngest in the game
but no less aware
they have so much to say, but only I know, I know
at this point I realize I no longer give two ***** to modesty
would you believe me if I said I know what I’m doing?
what am I doing
please don’t let go
I haven’t gotten better at being myself
I have gotten even better
at saying things I don’t mean
at shapeshifting
at getting lost, and falling, falling
I am always
always
chasing a kind of feeling
this time, will it be electrifying?
please don’t say I’m slipping away
please trust me
I really want to
I’m so sorry
what makes you feel like you can take on the world,
hold on to it
hold on
please don’t let go
hold me
let go
I adore you
I do, darling, I do

someone’s sobbing in the room upstairs while
i have been chasing ghosts of you
nothing compares to—
[a wailing siren drowns me out]

i have been having *** with a ghost since you left
there is nothing quite like it
i like her sighs, and looking into her eyes
i like the way your—
[a cosmos of white noise blanks me out]

i am stumbling through static calling out your name
what was your name again?
i may have been calling ten thousand different things
neither of us can find each other
we had passion and we had violence
personally i loved your rare gentle loving
how your hands seemed to form—
[a clap of thunder breaks my train of thought]

funny how if you listen closely applause sounds a lot like downpour
i was reading about the movement of tectonic plates
at divergent boundaries i
almost started weeping
thinking about how the plates were like a metaphor
in my mind you have been trying
to tell me where you are
kind of like “x marks the spot”
i have been chasing you and reaching out to
something that maybe isn’t there
where are you?
“my lovely, i am—”
[a piercing silence rips through]

each morning it dawns on me I am not that fragment of myself I was the previous morning
rebrand and reveal, rebrand and reveal, fall in love with every character I play
I am always murdering and resurrecting every facet of myself
an endless and repetitive series of seeking the light, being the light and rejecting the light
forever I remain The Obscure And Terrifying Great Unknown
nobody recognizes me. little parts of myself keep falling away like this
in helping people forget me, I am always both safe and at risk of vanishing
now watch me materialize into everything you ever wished for, now watch me flake and disappear
this life is but a massive game of Now You See Me Now You Don’t and nobody can ever win
read about Alice in Wonderland shrinking and growing, changing and morphing
read it ten times in my childhood before I realized I am the girl called Alice
if The Looking Glass was a glass prism, I am a ray of white light
I step into the glass only to shatter into seven different people
I am not that fraction of myself you first encountered
when you first glimpsed me glowing, I was only the moon reflecting the light of something else
if anyone tells you it’s not possible to be four-and-a-half people in a day, they are wrong.
can you remember what it’s like to not be losing yourself?
please tell me
I always wonder what it would be like to observe me in a magnificent divergence.

grey night tugs at a sliver of light
nightly I decay and my innards cry
faithful eyelids shut and screen
Deflowerment — sold out, night and day
I am star of the show, I am prima donna
lifeless first lady of the stage
I am a tired flower, one that has bloomed too many times
passionless, devoid
almost anti-climatic
like sad fistfuls of grass or something milked dry
I crawl toward The Little Death
yearning only to be ensconced wholly in a white Void

we are back to ten
preteen novelties, bralettes, tents

you meditating, holy book in hand
quiet scribbles, I pen something for you
a meditation on how the light falls
so strikingly on your face

ink bleeds through the page
you are in so many of my dreams
knight in shining armour
rumpelstiltskin twirling, spinning gold

I hear you say “she’s so deranged I’ll take her”
I smile and look away
something fragile flutters
I catch myself blushing

this moment blossoms
into a hundred more bad poems

if looks could ****, Kiryuin
you would be a blinding death
the kind where you don’t even know what hit you
wish I could tell you you are dazzling
some electrifying, superhuman-or-hell’s-worst-demon kind of dazzling
there are no chinks in your armour
I was born not to be leader but to be your warrior
you have subdued me, you have my reverence
to be one of four fighters I am due
to follow you
to fight for you
to gladly spend my days in your shadow
my lady of diamond, it is my honour
you have the most exquisite expressions
so unshakeable and so unimpressed
so sadistic and yet,
so compassionate
goddess of war and bride to power
Kiryuin, indestructible
you take my breath away
you have my allegiance
you have my life, the best of me
my queen
we stand with you
ride the winds and triumph forth
look death in the face and laugh

old themes, the uttering of half-dreams;
to have: lust as the fruit, or love as the bird
been thinking about prayers and how they don’t work
you are my favourite player,
you are my one and only
not really
I would sing you lullabies but you don’t like my voice,
I would bring you flowers but flowers only remind you of funerals.
I keep wanting to reinvent myself
then end up with too many versions
game plan, what’s my game plan
does there have to be a reason for everything?
do I have to explain why I gave my queen up
or why my engine can never start
later, later,
wanted to be some kind of electrifying
no ***** given, that sparks burn out
I’m not in a good place
I hate this place
here they stifle me everyday to save me
like I wasn’t already doomed from the start
got your gun cocked to my head
I’ve got my knife pressed to your throat
deadlock stalemate
wanna bet which one is faster
no regard whatsoever for consequences and responsibility just
living speed and risk and trauma
got me hook line and sinker
got you wrapped around my finger
thank you thank you thank you
of all the pieces on the board you’re my favourite pawn
*not really