I wish I had never met you.

You are Apollo, Zeus, and Hercules. You are midnight lullabies. You are drunken fists turned to open hands. You are the one constant presence in hotel rooms in Barcelona, Ibiza, Budapest, New York, everywhere. You are bloodied lips. You are gentle kisses. You are post-nightmare reassurance. You are a bullet to the head. You are toppled sandcastles on Massachusetts shores. You are white walls. You are the brightness of a phone screen in a dark room. You are a bruise that doesn’t go away. You are cold, rosy cheeks. You are morning coffee. You are yellowed pages of forgotten books. You are razor-burned jawlines. You are the crack of billiard *****. You are the hand on my knee beneath the table. You are the moon flooding through thin curtains. You are phantom limbs. You are a foreign name on a foreign tongue. You are the sunrise. You are a memory that doesn’t fade. You are every ******* poem I write.

I wish I had never met you.

414 days since my unworthy eyes
Were granted the sight
Of your otherworldly grace.
A drop of honey down our throats,
My voice becoming yours,
Yours becoming mine.
Your hands were pale and divine,
Fingernails like beautiful talons:
Capable of pain
Yet used with such gentility.
I have never seen so many flaws
That I love so dearly.
Kissable lips,
Bloodied and quivering,
Illuminated by streetlights.
You want my heart
But I ask for it back.
A man of chivalry,
Your quiet intentions confuse me,
And I can’t stand the sight of your
Butterfly eyelashes
And nervous mumblings.
You are so capable of tearing me apart
And I want you to,
But you won’t.
Countless doubts between us,
You could argue my declaration
Of your angelic being,
But you won’t.
You are hidden smiles
And anxious hands
And an otherworldy grace I am unlikely
To ever see again.

You tell me
Not to fall in love.

You know that I can’t help
Imagining your sharp cheekbones,
The soft line of your jaw,
The curve of your neck,
The long streak of your abdomen;
All perfect resting places
For my lovesick lips.
I ask you to point out
The places that you have been unkind to
And I kiss them until you believe
That I love them,
And you love them too.

I don’t tell you not to cry
Because you are an ocean,
Fierce and strong,
And sometimes the world is a little too much.
I am a ship;
I have weathered your stormy seas
And I am still pushing on.
I’ve gotten my sea legs
And they’ll never go away again.
I’ve been lost at sea for so long now;
I don’t remember where home was before.
I don’t want to remember, either,
Because you are my home now.

I saw a new couple on the subway today.
Her arms were loosely draped around his neck,
Closer to him than his red paisley scarf.
Their legs fit together like puzzle pieces,
Lips locked in perfect unison.
Eyeglasses showing each other’s
Lovesick reflections;
He looked at her like she was Athena,
An infatuated smile never leaving his face.
They giggled quietly,
And for twenty minutes
They were no longer
Beneath grimy Boston streets.
It was Eden,
A utopia of butterflies
And freshly-brushed teeth.

But as I sat in my seat,
No lover of my own to kiss like that,
I wondered how long their honeymoon phase would last.
I watched her get off,
Watched them wiggle their fingers goodbye,
And watched his smile linger for a few minutes,
Then fade.

How long until her stop
Becomes his?
How long until their bodies separate
Into a gentle holding of hands?
How long until that too,
Like every predictable platform,
Becomes routine?
How long until they finally sit down?
How long until her stop
Becomes hers alone?

It’s your silver tongue;
A night serpent
Between my sheets.
This isn’t right.

You make my world disappear
For a few hours of pleasure,
And I hate you for that.
I hate myself for that.

I have it all,
So why do I still need you?
Is this revenge?

I am weak,
I am so easily led
By your nimble fingertips.
My knees are bruised
And I hate you for that.
I hate myself for that.

I want to stop.
I never want to stop.
No strings attached,
That’s what we promised.

Don’t pretend that you love me.
Don’t pretend that you see beyond flesh.

Lie to me, please, but
Don’t go dragging my emotions into this.
Don’t you dare question my love
For those who aren’t you.
I hate you for that.
I hate myself for that.

I’ve known a handful of ethereal people,
And I’ve watched them all walk away
Into another light, into their own worlds.

They were dreams with crooked teeth

And carefree wisdom in their palms.

They had me placing my heart at their feet,
And just laughed and kissed my cheek
With eternal lips.

Now that I’ve had a tiny taste,
How can you expect me to be satisfied
With this lackluster life
And these lackluster people?

I am not with you
And that kills me.
No,
Maybe not ‘kills’.

It has become more of a daily injection
Of loneliness and phantom fingers.

I have nothing but my sight and my keyboard
And it isn’t enough.
It will never be enough.

You’ve never seen me blush.
You’ve never felt the circles I trace unknowingly into flesh.
You’ve never heard my convulsing laugh.
You’ve never seen me bare-faced and crying.
You’ve never really seen me.
And I’ve never really seen you.

But I know the grooves of your heart like my own.
I’ve learned your schedule;
I always know when you will disappear
And when you’ll come back.
I loved your beautiful soul first.
I loved you second.

Some days, the pain is easy to bear.
Other days, I want to tear my heart
Straight from my chest,
****** and battered
But free.