How many quiet corners to hide
I am hallucinating
I wanted to test it
Five days before I felt again

I pick a number
And then I attack it with color
Clean lines but aggressive strokes
Repeat repeat repeat

Sometimes I hold my breath
And squeeze and squeeze until there’s nothing left
To fight the empty nothingness
And create some of it myself
Because cuts turn to scars and scars turn to questions and permanent problems that never go away
To let go means to bare open
All of a lengthy list of insecurities and poor decisions
That I am in the making
So I’m quiet until confident
But falsely secure
In who my words and lips reach
Out to anyone and everyone I meet
Hoping
But instead blindly trusting each and every one to stay
Away they push
Not with passion but
The gentle turn of a page

Someone sat there
Ten years of my life in their hand
And with one finger
Decided I wasn’t worth watching

I am a wildfire
Yet you turn me on just by lighting candles

Tell it to me straight
She whispered
Because a soft gust in a heat advisory
Won’t set ships a sail
And if canvas
Hangs
Let go the anchor
and swim like hell back to shore

It shape-shifts
Almost recognizes me for what it once was
Yet love now hides behind guarded eyes
Hardened to safeguards and boundaries
Close, but measured
Each interaction separated with caution
Breathless not but held instead
Demotion
Gives falling in love a new name

How in hell do you get to feel the same love I do
Love is dirt
Stuck on the bottom of my shoes
I’ll kick it at the door

No one has ever made me question what it means to be a friend more than you

The only reason I feel strong
Is because I’m stronger than I was
Before

-girl at the gym

The day didn’t happen
My time didn’t stop
But you were there
And now I’m not

If I gave myself over to the waves
Would my soul stop longing?
Calling out into the void
Easing into the energy
Movements back and forth
But not displaced
I could be one with the sea
Free to roam and spread and be
Tempestuous
Flowing
All of me crashing into the shore
At once
That’s who I am
Run ragged
Thrashed against sand banks
Repeatedly
I find myself
An empty body
Lost at sea
And
Drying out

I used to be so afraid
Of turning out like her
But I just realized
That they both ended up alone

So quick to judge another
Are but a decision away
From sharing their struggle

I just want to sit here and exist without feeling bad about it.

it was scary
how easy it was
everything safe and familiar
replaced by all things new and exciting
but with ease
my edges grew
and I claimed it as mine

and you breathe deeply
take in the salt water air
fill your lungs until you are
nothing but distant
matter doesn't matter
I find myself a
soulless mollusk
to a homeless pearl

You are more real than a Friday that never comes

To close my eyes
Is to accept my fate
So I lie

the other side of loss
and sum of all my parts
a conclusion forgone
encouraging in theory
but leaving my world shattered
through a single pane

Do you think of me?
Your memory fades
As my self comparison to
old pictures of you
Start to age out
New wrinkles have formed
Though I’m sure
I’ll come to know them myself
In future years
Your presence remains
A mystery
Where are you now?
I long for you to stay
unknown

find your humanity
when the world gives you every reason
to lose it

a building primarily constructed
for ornamental beauty
how foolish
suggesting purpose but lacking
substance
structurally sound
a majestic feat
built on rubble
and looked upon
with longing
time wasted
on folly

My face becomes a watercolor
the patterns swirl
with your every word

Because it was there and so was I
perhaps an open book
Growing up I never had dreams
I didn’t realize they could be small
That dreams could be a room full of books I’ve read cover to cover
It was always how life
could change course
upon meeting another
Not the decisions
The little ways I diversify life
With new pleasantries
I write down the dreams
Watch them add up

they didn't have a name for me
the moment it seemed
I started to belong
was the same instance
I began to reminisce
and like a jab
nothing has changed
my state remains
undone
everything that once was
suddenly starts to matter
maybe its time to unravel
move slowly and you'll flow right on through

It’s not about prioritizing
It’s giving more
Going over
And
Maximizing every minute

I turned right
And she was left
But we grew up
Down the same cul de sac

A catalyst for change.
Spared by
romanticized what if's
and shadow selves
who pass bets on
potential.
I am a cause
ensnared
by the razor thin wire
I walk.

Here lie secrets
Barely out of reach
All the things
Out there with no
Words to speak
Show me
A child’s game
love only knows
What I’ll never tell
And ever will
A world
Full of mysteries
forget
Line thrills
And take me
by my words
Never realize the things
I can’t escape; I live
No chance but to walk
On forward into
forever stays
closed at night
But when the sun comes back
I’ll rise to my death
Because believe me
Secrets never keep

Turbulent cumulus find a free form
Mostly my mood, clarity mist
And match your atmosphere
To the internal ecosystem within
The most magical thing
A natural world has to offer

Crystal eyes
When water swells
from tear duct wells
Spring in cyan blue
Grey remnants of the last
Few black mournings
lost in ash, tarnished
used.

Your forever
ends today
and starts tomorrow

For once in my life
not knowing
has become more comforting
than worrying

They all found love
Just wait until I find myself

I don't know how it got so late but
it doesn't even matter
now, sleepless
golden hour lasts
longer than an afternoon
I'm just me
a solitary state
I must have drifted off
across the starry overpass
far from where I belong
My body ages faster than I do
I'll close my eyes

I used to measure my day in minutes
but much like the months
they pass--obsolete
and now I only use feet

I am here and now
Forever wishing you’d stop
Chasing tomorrow

Covet the whispers
they seep through the walls
Unbeknownst
who she talks to
Bear secrets
not for me
Only shadow selves
and glimmers
of shining stars
stuck on dimmers
Covet the whispers

You wouldn't say yes
because things were
"Only temporary"
But that’s a sad excuse
for staying in something
so permanent

tell me how we go
say it is self destruction
I'll take you with me