I wish he would hold me
and not just my body
Grounded
I want stability
Not to be felt
But understood entirely

I hold my breath
counting off
as laden eyelids fall prey
behind enemy lines
my psyche hides
complacent to
lend an ear
alert to the whisper
of biting truth
so subtle I barely feel it prickle
but it is there

chimes jingle in the breeze
melancholic motion
going through
wind pipes
the bottles sing
eerie sea glass filters
green
build up wafts
a warmer thrum
of restless air

I’d poison my own heart
If only to see you smile
while watching it happen

I once kept a cage for my words
they were living things
now I spit them out
like lofty paper airplanes
thoughts amok
flung aimlessly into drywall
inanimate anticipation
sputter and flicker

he said it was yellow
let me paint my walls
view life
through golden bands
I'll be yellow.

not enough
nothing, everything
maybe too much matters
I get lost somewhere in between
trapped inside
a suspended state of tension
know me, slowly
softly sway
float through
a warm glow
frozen solid
soul to core

Take crayons to the corners of my world
Tell me what I am
Expand my edges
See what I become
I have never felt so small
Let me move you
I’ll show you where to put the lines

memories leave an impression lasting
longer than the ones who made them
I carry years worth of dead-weight
a state of mind
prepackaged into something
far from beautiful
talented at shape-shifting objects
I can drop nouns
boxes, things, people
perhaps my being

She tells me we wouldn't have known any better
if we had stayed
our hearts would have known nothing greater
imaginations longed for nothing more
and aspirations happily contained within
the boundaries of our existence
ocean and the mountains
two hours in either direction
we could have never left
yet now my bones ache with a secret sense
and I feel at home in my older skin
only after tasting the freedom of the unknown

My limbs form Jacob’s ladder
The first rungs
seam to fold and bend
I wish they could fix me with silk ribbons
Life is stacked
They can’t all be wrong
I would fall
Another notch
Wring and worn out

your authority--
power to command the storm!
is my only aim

its you, its you
its always you
why can't it ever be something else?
someone else
anything
everything
but you
always
and for never

hello ebb
mystic waves with
a rhythmic crash
off sandy shore
spring forth
bubble and oxygen orbs
foam and burst
gurgle up
toward the crest
little silver sliver
spoon in mouth
maybe this will tip the scale
a numbness captivation
from sensory deprivation
hum bliss
barely on board
I am here

a single moment
and suddenly I am here
perhaps all at once

its a heaviness
like muscles tight after
sixty minutes of cardio
inside my lungs
removed from the heart
pounding
but empty
in an cavernous space
large enough
to echo through the void
the accelerating thud
that holds me in its claws
clenching then releasing
me into nothing
I am pieces
my soul
longs for an occupant
and beams
like a neon
sign that flickers
"vacant"

the sun erupted from the skyline
spat sunbeams into the valley

and scorched trees with amber, auburn, alloy orange
a grounded autumn rainbow

quiet fog exhaled over a placid lake
and bordered the wall of an angry tree line

crinkled leaves floated downward leaving branches
bare as dead limbs outstretched in praise

mountain spine laid in jagged ribbons
once ****** from Earth’s chiseled core

cut into the horizon’s curvature
larger than life, and twice as wide

As a rock in circulation, longing for self-revelation
In equilibrium with a world
Of green hues and ethereal blues
A smattering of milky way white
Clouding my perspective
Your presence,
a late yellow sun with a warm hello
I only see darkness
Certainly, light radiates from somewhere
The moon, surface deep with dents and craters, I
a lackluster comparison to thermodynamic creation
The energy you spawn, I merely respond
Our existence in tandem
The age of the earth
Irrelevant
Yet I revolve
and you evolve
Changing, shifting
day to night, new beginnings
A hazy sunrise and fresh dew mornings
Birthed as night gives way
Perhaps, a therapeutic realization
But stars still exist
As a hundred billion crises  
Screaming from their unnamed existence
longing to be as original as the moon
Saturn after all, has 62

Smear the lines of temporary beginnings
I’m unsure where to start
My journey goes on and on and on
but yet
I’m unsure where I start

My room contains two windows
but light only pours in through one

look down on everything intangible
"its a good thing you're pretty"

ones who love me don't know me
still unloved by those who do

if I could inject this feeling into my veins
rather than half-hearted attempts made in vain

waiting for its grip to take hold
on the other end of the phone

instead the buzzing silence
he asks me to hold

hold on, waiting
he hung up

I'm hung up

the way he said "we"
made me think that I
could be something more

the boy sat in the grass
stars of old talked down to him
whispering into the night
"your existence is necessary"
palms pressing into the earth
he looked back up into the void and pleaded
"but is my purpose futile?"
a polite protest
the stars twinkled in response

You waste time soul searching for answers
But mine just craves meaning

the fire knows his place
warmly embraced by a cage nine circles deep
though yellow heat is tamed by a switch, fire's coals will keep
burning before a glass covered face

the distance grew
caused me to stop writing to you
and start writing about you
God forbid a day I ever write for you

it was strange the way he looked at me
close enough you'd think he were in love
but I don't know much about that
he couldn't fool me

a pen falls
off the cherry oak desk
that sits in the corner
of your makeshift office
leather cracks
as you stand on firm legs
papers slide
jutting out at all angles
of the lone wooden drawer
you close your eyes
let oxygen fill the two balloons
in your chest
that expand with tension
thumb and forefinger pressed
strongly against your tired eyes
now strained, hollow
afraid to sign the day away

State lines are relationships and I don’t know what boundaries I’ve crossed

All I want is to go home,
but the last thing I need is to see you.
So where does that leave me?
The parking lot.

The second I stopped thinking of you
Was the moment the world took note of me

I’ll sit on this ledge and debate if I should jump
or merely throw my book over the cliff side
with the strength of a major league pitcher.

The temperature will be just slightly too low to find comfort and the cement I lean against will only add to the wind chill.

The people will walk like ants in the distance,
always moving,
going to some unknown location.

And I will watch from my perch,
wondering if they too see me,
or have any recollection of my presence.

I will pack my bag with the book I regrettably couldn’t chuck
over the side, and will aimlessly sit with my thoughts
not given the permanency of written existence.

Instead, they will grow in my head like seeds
drowning in a surplus of watering
where I will deny them the roots to take hold.

And that is where they will stay.

I love him
I love him
I love him she says

butterflies and rainbows occupy
the imaginations in her head
but he doesn’t need her for the world
to be filled with magic

I have reached the edge
phantom burdens hover beneath my feet
providing the extra weight
to keep me grounded
I run out of track
ultimately leading to my demise
I'd like to think I would have continued
slowly trekking upward
a singular course
I need not get off
but I turn
and take the scenic ride
floating down over the distance once covered
a changing season may bear differing results

on the days when I have none
it is moving
flowing
I want to drown,
overcome,
or transform
my efforts into physical motions
that showcase my devotion
oh how it moves
through my soul and
over my skin
so divine
once sparked I am alive

Love is energy.

I smell perfume in the air
on your breath
in your hair
I will myself
to embody
mind and soul
fervor--full
heavy lashes
flutter faulty flicks
hang my out heart
just for kicks
your disposition
counteracts
a weak proposition

like all the things I wouldn't believe
you told me you drew that heart in cement on the side walk
and I'd walk past it everyday second guessing you the whole way
I would turn the volume up and sink deep within myself
lies and still three years later
you don't need headphones to ignore me
hate is such a funny thing

No name, no face
mysterious love story, telling trace
If a girl before me
Felt safe to confide
I love Thomas Le Fuere
an open expression tried
Graphite scribbled feeling
on my popcorn ceiling
The kind of company to keep
Sharing with no one a secret so deep
Did it last? To death do they part?
A love to grow, myself aware
She’ll never know
Unintentionally I found her heart
Maybe I’ll leave my own
gut wrenching confession thrown
among the stars next to hers

hoard it all, take haste
minutes go by--the captivating eyes, a waste
gleaming treasured gems restlessly stored
instead, lie in dissipation, irresolutely bored
victims hold tunnel visions routinely ensnared
every sandy grain a diamond to be spared

you turn pain into love
it hurts me now
safe within your strength
I find my peace
to know that you are with me
propels my steps
a candlestick aflame
and then I see your work
a constant
within the lives
of every point of contact
the sunbeams shine
a vessel for your kingdom
she shows me how
I've never known a child
who follows so well
obedience, my reminder
for your glory I see her thrive
an overlooked example
how its not enough to survive

the taxidermy eagle stares me down
as I'm disappearing from the world
concealed beneath the stairs
stiff green upholstery threadbare
I'm more archaic than the air
at a four sided table with five chairs
I hide in a labyrinth's best kept secret
publicly my own
believers find me not

cursing passerby on my journey
the room smelled of smoke
wisps circle tightly quartered soldiers
exhaustion coats the air
My perceptions adjust to the dreary film
observing heavy bodies accompanied with longing
pointed ambition devoid of thoughts
wooden floorboards shift to accomodate the change
I tilt the cube

marred by the ocean my attention drifts
rage reverberating in tension shifts
black ice to fill my heart
connecting body parts
I'm on a different plane

two suns
her eyes set the room ablaze

the paint is peeling
but magic runs up the walls
a cubed room is spinning
my body flips as I'm face up with the hall