what am I now, what am I now
alone and sad and lonely
what am I now, what am I
alone and sad and

look at what you’ve done to me
look at these scars no one can see
what am I now, what am I now
look at these scars no one can

I wish I could tell you how I’ve changed
I wished someone would see
I wish I was something else
I wish I could show you how I’ve

I don’t know who I am right now
I don’t know who I was
Before you did this to me
I don’t know who I was

what am I now, what am I now
alone and sad and lonely
I wish someone could see my scars
what am I now, what am I

“Are we dreaming?”
He moves like a power surge, slow then suddenly. Lips on my jaw, lips on my throat. The sheets are smooth beneath our feet.
Are we dreaming?

“Is this real?”
He moves like a question. Hands on my hips. Gentle, gentle. Don’t wake - Don’t wake us. I sigh against his lips.
Is this real?

“Relax.”
His fingers on my cheek, his nose against my own. His eyes are closed, his smile soft, soft, soft. I melt.
Relax.

“This is a dream.”
His voice is sure, his laugh sideways. He’s made himself his punchline. His arms orbit, his forehead warm on mine.
This is a dream.

“It’s okay.”
His whisper quakes. For me, for him. He is pinks and blues in rising light. His eyes on me the softest plea.
“It’s okay, we’re dreaming.”

Write it in pen, write it in pen
You can’t take it back if you write it in pen

Say it out loud, say it out loud
You can’t hide from it if you say it out loud

Think of it more, think of it more
You can’t run from it if you think of it more

Tell your best friend, tell your best friend
You won’t be alone if you tell your best friend

i.
he calls you soft, and you tremble
he calls you soft, and you quake,
he calls you soft, and you shatter
he calls you soft, and you break

ii.
you are sunlight. you are bright.
you are the breeze. you are the flight.
you are shivers. you are sweat.
you pray to remember. you pray to forget.

iii.
she smiles. you are lost.
your fingers tangle. there is no cost.
she whispers. you tilt your head.
you bite your lip. it remains unsaid.

iv.
you are alone. you don't mind.
you are alone. you want to cry.
you are alone. you've had much worse.
you are alone. the poet's curse.

I. Honey Whiskey

her eyes are too dark, but they burn when she thinks of them. everything burns, her chest, her face, her skin.s he can’t imagine what it would be like, to have her skin flush with hers in ways that weren’t so innocent. she can’t meet her eyes anymore without feeling her torso heat like she’d just downed a shot.

II. Prism

“despair is a prism.” she can’t see her, but she remembers the way her eyes get, like she’s looking at something too far away to see clearly. “you need it to see that sunshine isn’t just grey, it’s every color of the rainbow, stacked on top of each other.” it’s hard to stay too sad when she spouts things like this, without warning and completely unprovoked.

III. Chlorine Thighs

they’d never actually been in a pool together so this had to be a dream. sunlight streamed through her hair like the water did, and she’d blame that for the shivers down her spine whenever their eyes met. She was babbling about something, anything, trying to keep her frame of mind, derailed by even the slightest giggle. she didn’t mean to dream them so close together, but her laughter filled the air, and they were nose to nose, and she smelled like chlorine. she woke before she knew if she tasted the same.

IV. Headlights

she’s afraid of driving, and claims she’s a better copilot. it hurts her heart to heart to hear it, sweet indulgent pain. she’s tying to remember to keep her eyes on the road and only letting herself glance over every so often. she looks beautiful in the flashes of her periphery vision, and as their voices rise in accidental harmony, she can’t help but glance over for a bit too long, memorizing the moment. eyes closed, lips parted, head tilted back… she looks like a vision. she almost forgets that green means anything more than being able to see her better.

V. Refuge

she hadn’t meant to cry. it was obvious in the way she stood, in the way she held herself a bit too upright, moved with too much purpose. she remember the way she’d stared at the ceiling as though breathing was too much, the way she didn’t even seem to see the things she was doing. she hadn’t known what to do besides hold open her arms, and then it had began. she held so tightly it was like she didn’t believe she was real. her breath came out all at once, and then she was breathing too quickly, hitches and gasps and small little shivers that only made her hold on her tighten further. her breath was warm against her shoulder, her fingers ****** in her shirt, and she was content to stand here, solid, safe, and wait for her to collect herself. no matter how long it took.

Deafened am I, by the screeches of familiarity

for here I am, a man
a woman, a girl, a boy,
silent are your cries for change,
deaf am I to the monotonous yelling
you want change. I have changed
details, insubstantial, minuscule,
deaf to your judgement and lies
unable to hear your disappointment
I cannot hear your subtle cues
your doubt and leading questions
I cannot bear your curiosity
searching for what you’ve missed
missing your oblivious admirer
I am no longer she

He says she’s changed.

Gone are the days when their fingers touched with same sparks that sent fireworks skyward. Gone are the days where they’d send spells into the sky on the fourth, dangerous, daring, delusional, promising that everyone expected fireworks anyway. Gone are the days where she would stare into his eyes and dream of lips that tasted like freedom.

She looks at him with sadness now. She’d gotten out. She’d beaten the high that filled her whenever she grabbed hold of the universe, and forged it like iron between her fingers. She was naturally strong, he was naturally talented, together they had been the A team.

But she’d left. She’d shook her head and stepped back and ignored the magic at her fingertips, even when he brought in their other friends. Even when he built his little coven. Even when he extended his hand and smiled like sparks in the dark. Even when his eyes promised forever.

The weather is hot and humid, like the memory of shared gazes and sweaty palms. He hugs her like a question. She hugs him like a farewell.

She looks into the summer sky and imagines she can see heaven.

She pleads with her God on hands and knees with gasps and sobs and shaking.

*Save him.
Please please please please
Save my best friend.