I am allowed to be alone.
I am allowed to enjoy solitude.
I am allowed to not want to spend time with anyone.
I am allowed to feel like this for days at a time.
I am allowed to be antisocial for a month.
I am allowed to feel the exact opposite the next day.
I am allowed to not be like you.
I am allowed to do what I need to.
I am allowed to be alone.

I was born with a broken heart.
there was a deep crack in the middle and my blood couldn't flow the way it should.
I was three when the doctors took up my red thread and sewed me together.
my heart is fixed, now.
my blood flows
with each beat
tugging at the string of fate severed before I could breathe.
I see others, following their threads, searching desperately for who has the other end.
and my hands are free of red.
there is blue, purple, green, yellow,
but not the crimson of love and loss and longing.
my broken heart is still broken,
but now it works.

I'm lost.
Intensely so.
Lost adrift or on land or in any place between.
Lost like the credibility of someone when they judge a stranger on the color of their hair.
Lost like a tan when you move to Ireland.
Lost like that scrap of paper that cute person at the club who sounded like your soulmate might gave you their number on.

Sometimes I find directions.
North, then west at the fork in the road.
Follow along until you find salvation at the bottom of a green bottle.

Now I'm not found.
I'm more lost than ever, really.
Lost like I have been the moment I could step past my home's threshold.
I'm just lost in another direction.

I feel messy
Full of swirling colors
Blue red green black orange blue
Sad and angry and happy and apathetic and anxious
All at once
Mixing into brown slime at the bottom of my chest
Dried blood
Three new scars
Another night spent sobbing awake and trying to breathe
Three more
Messy things, emotions.

Don't write me off as apathetic because you don't understand me.
I am mountains sobbing in earthquakes.
I am rivers screaming in floods.
I am bridges laughing into splinters.
I am systems crashing and burning out with a wink of light.
I am a wildfire in skin and clothes and I would destroy you if I showed you my true self.
Do not underestimate my emotions because you do not see them.

Love is lovely
To me.
Love is darling
You see.
Love me sweetly,
Love me kind.
Love me gently,
You will find.
Love me honey,
Let me know.
If you love me,
Don't let me go.
If you love me,
I'll never show.
If you love me.
You'll never know.
Love is darling,
Love is lost.
Love is startling,
Love does cost.
Love me sweetly,
I'll never tell.
Lovely darling,
I can't, oh well.
Love is nothing,
At least to me.
Love is empty,
Space I see,
In my chest
Cavity.
Love me sweetly,
I'll act so good.
Love me darling,
Just like I should.
Love is fleeting,
Love is kind.
Love is two hearts beating,
Love is blind.
Love is loss,
Love is gain.
Love, no double cross,
Love,  so much pain.
My lovely darling,
I'm so so sorry.
My only darling,
You feel that for me.
My precious sweetie,
My only dear.
Though I can't love you,
I'll stay near.
I wish I loved you,
Or you could see.
That though I adore you,
You only love me.
I love you,
As much as I can.
I need you,
This wasn't my plan.
My darling, me sweetheart,
Never forgive me.
Never, for my empty heart.
You can hate me.
That's okay.
Just be happy.
At least today.

Take me apart
You called me your doll
I'm broken and missing some pieces.

Break me in half
It's nothing at all
I'm happier when I'm needless

Cut up my heart
And together we fall
Will you still call me baby?

"Dollface" may be my epitaph
But I'm not pretty, don't call
I need you, don't say it's a "maybe".