i've been thinking about what you said about him and i have to say this:
i cannot help him from a million miles away.
i cannot let him mess up his future or his life even though i keep telling him he is, he is-
especially if he keeps doing what he's doing.
i am not getting on a plane and writing a eulogy to someone who never even loved me back- that's not how i want to come home.
he needs a rock- trust me- i once was his rock.
but now that i'm gone, he doesn't have a rock.
he just needs someone, anyone, to tell him that you're there for him through night and day even if you don't want to be.
kiss his forehead, hold his hand, run in the rain, go to the beach during the winter. he will see that his life does in actuality matter.
he needs to know that you won't change him just be there to guide him.
so please do me a favor, the kid has lost all faith, be his **** rock.

"i wrote something about you today."
"i've always been scared to say something"
"i just want some time with you alone before i leave."
"you are my darling"
"kiss me please. i choose you."
"i have to go. bye e."

"we're too different for your comfort."
"you want it to mean something more than a hookup"
"you have no idea how complicated i am... don't try and figure me out."
"remember when i was playing the piano for you?"
"five years or so have passed, and nothing has changed except my attitude."
"i used to try and explain myself to people."
"do i seem numb all the time? do i... because i'm breathing but not living."
"there is much, much bigger things going on between us now, don't worry."
"i push them out sometimes, even ask them... i'm just that kinda person"
"i push people away because i'm scared of getting to close to them. i've only let one person in."
"i'm not mad at you... i have bigger things to care about than what's happened. i'm just annoyed that you're mad at me."
"all this time we've been friends you think i'm not putting much effort into you but in reality i spend all my time talking to you."
"i stayed out of respect for you."
"what's over and done with? us mad at each other?"
"see ya katie."

because darling...
the moment you start to love the wrong person
is the moment the right person starts to love you.
and when you realise in those dreadful seconds that all along the right person loved you-
the rope snaps...  
the clock ticks...
the breath out of your lungs will turn black...
and you, my darling, will succumb to guilty heartbreak.

i remember;
it was a warm summer night
the humidity tickled my fair skin...

and i asked you if you ever loved me
and all you said was you didn't know.

did i shut the door to open another one?

this is a love letter not a goodbye.....
it has been a year since our argument
and so much has changed.
maybe it's because we are on different sides of the revolving earth
or maybe it's because you  just don't care any longer.
but i thought i'd take the time and write you this;
i still love you.
and i’m sorry my last letter made you feel nothing
and i’m sorry that i had to leave and i never tried again.
this past year i’ve been thinking about us, you;
where we went wrong
and where we didn’t.
and i guess i still don’t have anwser; all i know is that you gave up on me quicker than i gave up on you.
i hope next summer when i visit we can finally close the wound
because to me it doesn’t feel like it’s been bandaged, only sugarcoated…
but i guess that’s what we do for love.
when i picture my life, still at home,  
i picture you and i;
and what we would have done together.
everyone says we would have gotten together; they couldn’t guess for how long; but they knew.
and mum says i would have taken you to my dance and we would have laughed, kissed and made terrible jokes and pulled pranks on people we didn’t even know.
i heard you’ve been hanging out with the wrong people;
i always knew that would happen.
and it pains and disgusts me that you’re throwing away your life;
i want to fix it so badly
but i don’t think i can from my dim lit desk halfway around the world.
when we’ve talked breifly;
i try to make your life a living hell
so you know what it feels like.
but then i remember that you just don’t care.
and when i asked if you remember what happened that cold july night;
you respond
‘no, i just don’t care.’
and why would i want to be with someone like that anyway?
my last letter was confusing,
i admit.
i was angry and upset and i just wanted you to love me.
but i’ve learned now that you can’t make people love you.
and i’ve learned that if you really want to say something…

...say it…

he's like a cool glass of lemonade
on a hot sticky summer day.
he's like fresh peach cobbler in the winter,
and the finest apple picked in the fall.
and during the spring,
he waits
to grow into something delectable.

i'll tell you that if i start crying
i won't be able to stop
because the salt that pours from my sunken eyes
reminds me too much of the river
where i used to spend my afternoons dipping my toes into the water
and i'll say to you that if i sit alone
for even a second
i'll start recalling memories
putting puzzle pieces back
that i thought would never fit
i'll yell at you and say that
i want to go
and look out at the barren dessert beneath
my small feet
and i'll ask you to tell me not to wear that
because it reminds me too much
of when i wore it all too often
the night i arrived
the night i left
i'll say to you
don't let me read that
because i'll internally die
from something you didn't know could **** you
i'll notify you that i desire something
a wish an untold fortune
lastly, i'll do anything for you
because i want to go home
and when i do...
i'll never come back.