I’ve been hiding how I’m feeling
I’ve been fighting how I’m feeling
A pendulum of my emotions
continuously swinging
Every time cutting deeper
I can’t deny what this is
But I don’t have to admit it
To you
As long as it looks like I’m winning
But I wonder if you see the damage

Drank into my thoughts again
I’m not thinking about life
I’m thinking about you
And how much I miss you.
And not just because of how much time has passed
Since we last exchanged meaningful words
I just miss you
and every version of you
every version you’ve shown
Down to the emotional undertones
Part of me wonders if I said or did something wrong.
I sometimes wonder where you’ve gone.
Did I let life get in the way for too long?
Oh how I miss our endless days
Now we cook and have bills to pay
I wish someone told me
that as you grow older
You’d miss when you were young
Where the only things that mattered
Were colored pencils, friends, and bubble gum
You told me once
that you were scared to slip away from everyone
and everything you love.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve done that.
I miss exchanging thoughts
and the excitement of life.
It’s hurts to think
Do you make time
to exchange them with others?
I just want a cup of you
But you pour yourself into other things
Maybe I haven’t offered you a refill
“Maybe next week” turns into
“Maybe next month”
“Maybe next time”
“One day”
“Hope you’re doing well”
“See you when I see you”
Until I don’t anymore
But it’s ok
At least I tell myself that it is
The more I say it the less I believe it
Because the truth is
I miss you
I miss feeling full to the brim
I miss existing in your universe
And I miss being your friend

I feel like I’ve observed you enough
To know what you are
Yet I’ve barely scratched the surface
You’re so vast
And I only see what you make seen
Within your dark matter
I wonder what’s beyond,
What secrets you hide
I want to know your true beginning and end
But you have neither a center or edge
All I know is
At some point you were raging
All your matter and energy was alive
You were thriving
But for unknown reasons
You started to slowly change
You created atoms and stars
Which I still lose myself in today
All our history lies in your galaxies
And when I look up
The things of our past seem so distant..
light years away
Yet they can still be seen
Even as you move further away
from me each day
Even though we grew
Because at one point
You were much closer to me
And I existed in your universe

You’re sweet in your own natural way
No need to lighten you up
You’re my first thought of every morning
We share a sense of warmth and intimacy
as I wrap my hands around you
Your strength is noticeable
Yet you’re an acquired taste
Not everyone’s a fan of your simplicity
Too soon and you’ll scald my tender lips
I’ll wait for you to cool down
But coffee isn’t good when it’s cold

As hot as the fire that made you
So beautiful to gaze and lose myself in
Your warmth
It radiates
And you glow
That reflects on my face
And I glow too
Small and harmless so you seem
you can become something from nothing
Yet you can destroy everything
I just want to crawl in the space between your life and death
I want to hold you but I know it will hurt
And you’re using everything in you
to stay alive
Your colors dim as your end nears
And I’ll stay for it all
Watching from a distance so I don’t disturb
You were meant only for my eyes to see
And my heart to feel

I’ve forgot what you did to me
I forgave you
But I still can’t forget you
I’m still living a life with us in my head
My friends say quit living in fantasies
It’s messing with my sanity
Living in alternate realities
There’s only one I want to be in
Where you don’t exist
I wouldn’t know what broken feels like
I wouldn’t know what it’s like to hurt
There’s only one reality though
I don’t exist in yours

Woke up feeling gloom again
When’s this flower going to bloom again?
I’ve been wilting for some time
Just waiting on that sunshine
For its warmth and light
To keep me in this fight
I’ll keep trying until my last petal
Endure until the winds settle
Too many cloudy days yet not enough rain
Too many people saying sunshine’s on its way
I was a beautiful bloom
Overtaken by this gloom
But the sun shines
After stormy skies
Right?

I can never admit the things I wanna say
Never tell you what I feel every day
I close my eyes for just a minute
To picture the life I want with you in it
I’m the place holder in your life
For when you’re feeling lonely
And you can be a ghost
When I’m desperate for somebody
I’m okay if you go away
Because I know you’ll come back some day
At least somewhere in my mind you do
The fool I am is going to wait for you
The closer you get, the further you stray
But I live in my head all day
Otherwise I would see
You are much further than I thought you’d be

It’s hard to break into a home
With no windows or doors
Good thing no one knows where I hide
They can’t see the mess I’ve made
They can’t see the holes in the walls
Or the wall paper peeling away
They want to fix my home
Like they know what colors suit the walls
They find my squeaky floors annoying
But they sing to me as I sleep
They want to cover the holes on the wall
they don’t look nice
They don’t bother filling them in
It’s more convenient to cover them with frames
It saves time and words
But good thing no one knows where i hide
On the outside I fit right in

I opened the door to our home
But to you it’s just my house
Your home still needs paint
The floor needs to be redone
I help you build your house
So it can be someone’s home
But your house is home to you
There’s no room for “us”
In your house
You won’t invite me in
Or build our house together
What am I supposed to do?
Home to me is wherever with you
I opened the door to our home
But to you it’s not a home
Just my house

I wish we could’ve enjoyed the rain a little longer
Before a ray of sunshine came your way
and took away your cloudy days with me
We used to splash into puddles
and watch our reflections ripple away
I’m lucky if I feel a drop now a days
A reminder that you’re there
But not here
Playing in the rain with me
A reminder of what things used to be
What I’d do to live another storm with you
A strike of lightning would revive us
or split us like trees
I wish we could’ve enjoyed the rain a little longer
But sunshine came your way

Navigating through a dark space
Looking for a solid place to land
You look so pretty from far away
Your rings seems like the perfect surface
Solid and strong
The closer I get I start to see
What a dangerous place you can be
Objects circling like an organized mess
You’d think after a while it’ll all go away
But gravity keeps it all in place
You can’t let things go
Maybe I’ll just admire you from a distance

A love like the trees
That grows from a seed
Patience and perseverance
A tree that grows on her own
That sometimes intertwines with another
Not quite together
Not quite separate
Growing into a beautiful form
But one tree is not like the other
The pine is not like the oak
There are separate worlds living in each
sometimes they collide
Not all the birds sing the same song
Sometimes these worlds don’t get along
Perhaps a new space to grow
Where there is no fire or smoke
The pine is not like the oak

I know it’s better off this way
But I can’t help but paint a little house in my head
In a perfect place where it’s just us
And all was as it was meant to be
At least how I see it to be
In some kind of dream
Don’t wake me
Maybe if I was different
Or maybe if you’d see things the way I do
Then they would be more than thoughts
More than feelings
It would be real
But what is real?
I am living an honest lie in my head
I’m on my own lonely planet
Like seeing someone from the other side of glass
Always observing
Always wanting to see what it’s like
To feel
As if feeling you would make it real
But I know better than to touch
What hurts me the most

I wish
You’d look up and talk to me
Tap, tap, tap
Gave a few hours of my day to you
You sold your soul to a phone screen
Tap, tap, tap
You type words faster than you say them
and laugh at another conversation
Tap, tap, tap
I sit here patiently while you finish your stories
Maybe I should’ve just sent a message
Tap, tap, tap
12 seconds of my day to you
So you can be where you’d rather be

I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
As seasons came and went
Did you think about what it was like?
How things could’ve been?
Or was it all just weather to you

There’s no more words beyond the lyrics
I see the stage lights reflecting in your eyes..
..briefly before floating into a spaced out crowd
I have a million things to say
But you can’t hear the right words
As long as the music is playing we’re still dancing
But we’re only dancing on the weekends
When you have nothing else to do
Sometimes the music gets too loud
Other times you lose yourself in it
The bass cradles your heart
And you hold mine
But you never hear my song
Only on the weekends