I wish I could say that I’m the type of girl that would reject you if you came back to me,
Apologizing,
Asking me to take you back.
But I know for a fact
That I would take you back gladly.
I would let everything go back to the way it was before you broke my heart
And forget that you ever even shattered my being into pieces.
I would kiss you with fervent want.
I would graze my nails across your back
After we’ve made love
And all that’s covering me are blankets
As you look back at me,
Your eyes wandering all over me
As if I don’t truly exist.
I would go back to letting you use my laptop for your homework.
I would go back to loving you, sweetheart.
But,
I can say though,
That yes, I would be the type of girl to take you back,
But if you expect me to take you back in a heartbeat,
Well, sweetheart, I’m sorry then.

My ways of affection have never been conventional.
Even when I was little,
I used to bite my brother to show him that I loved him.
I will never be that type of girl,
the one that says, ‘You’re hair looks good today’
But rather
I will be the girl that
lightly touches your hair and smiles.
I will rarely say, ‘You look good today’
But I will tug the collar of your shirt because it looks good on you.
Us holding hands will be rare,
But I will lightly graze my nails on your palms like spreading fire.
We will never kiss in public,
I’ll nuzzle my head into your chest though,
I may even nuzzle my nose against your hair and hug you.
I won’t be the one to say ‘I love you’ first,
And even if you say it first,
It’ll take me a very, very long time to say it back
Days,
Weeks,
Or
Months even.
And when I do say ‘I love you’ for the first time,
It won’t be what you expect
It’ll be a ‘You’re such a ******’
Or a ‘I really like being around you’.
I hope you take the time to learn these things,
I hope you give me a chance despite them.”

I realised how dangerous love could be
when everyone refused to say that I loved you
But there was a time
where even I refused to say that
I loved you
because I knew what it meant
but, oh god, how obvious it was
anyone could see it on my face
I really did love you.
There was only one time one person said.
‘You love him don’t you?’
Oh god, yes I ******* did
But I knew the heaviness to love
and it was so terrifying that
I couldn’t even say, 'yes’
So, instead I nodded
And realised
He must have known all along
Because I had never been a person
that was good with words
but I was always good at
stares
and
smiles
and
touches.
He had to have known I loved him
because one stare from me
and he knew that I wanted him.
I wonder what my touches told?

My heart has been broken by you so many times that,
I no longer have a heart to break

I miss your ******* tongue in my mouth
and your hands racing across my skin
I miss your stupid voice and I miss your stupid arms
and I ******* miss you telling me how
perfect I was and beautiful I am
I ******* hate how I can’t hate you
But ****, I thought your not feeling towards me was painful
but **** how wrong I was because
not being able to kiss you or run my fingers across your cheeks is more painful than I could have ever imagined
And i don’t give a **** anymore
I’d hurt myself to be with you
Because not having you in any aspect is gruesome
And my lips can no longer keep their silence
Because ever time I see you now
I feel them about to say
‘Just kiss me now’
Because they can only remember
how your lips feel pressed
against mine with want
But it hurt so more more when all I can is discomfort in your eyes
when you’re around me

Today,
I spoke the works, ‘She has a beautiful soul.’
And when I did,
My friends could not grasp
The underlying action beneath them.
That, not only was I viewing her,
But I was seeing her,
And the whole definition of her being.
Just like I had done with so many before her.

I’m glad you exist
Even if it’s not suppose to be with me