You're the loudest memory.
I was wrong 
Thinking I could easily forget the love 
I feel for you 
I was wrong. 
You've always had a way with making me see truth.
The love of my life
The love I never got to feel
You are it and I am done trying.

11:24pm, not 11:11
because I just realized how much I love you,
How much I think of you,
How much you
And your abscence
Have taken so much of me.
If you knew what that meant you would come back to life and actually kiss me.

as i grow wiser
as i grow with this life, as a person, as everything that makes me, me.
i realise that there's no one that makes me happier and so ******* sad but me.

she told me:
        God is a black woman
   i was not thinking about you but i agreed.
she said:
      
She lives in North Africa,
     she doesn't age
       light reflects off of her skin.

i started thinking of you
AND now i miss you

You make me want to hurt myself and crossover to the other side
For you
And whatever is left of us
         WHATEVER IS LEFT OF MY HEART
you know I'm hurt right now because this poem is a mess

I continue to breathe without you
It's a struggle.. it's painful because I was terrible at this even with you here with me.
It was somewhat bearable, 
but I can't do it.
" for what feels like months, but really is days " 
I don't know, I haven't tried to forget you
                               I have cried, a lot
                               More than A Lot 
That's all I do..
i try to breathe and I cry

sing to me, she said
i sang truth like she always wanted
i sang truth like it would bring her closer
i sang truth..more truth and truth
i sang and i lost you.
i sang truth...it was not our truth.
i sang truth, i hurt, you're hurt.
centuries..come on home to me, let me sing truth to you, our truth..no hurt

It's sad that
You're no longer here.
Because I'm listening to this song
And
I miss you.
I love you
Come back,
No don't, you hurt me and I hurt you.

Dear diary,

This is by far the worst day I've ever had, I'm sad , scared , anxious , really really *******.
Neglect ? I know what that feels like now, it lingers on in this cold room, as i feel the need to isolate myself from those who judge me without even knowing me, as black as I am, I am just the same as them , just a tad bit cuter.

Dear diary ,
I am not cut out for all this, as loud as I am and as " intimidating " as I may look, I'm still the little pre-scholar that wouldn't speak up to the mean girl , in the class, I'm still the kid that craves for acceptance , I'm the kid that misses her mommy , as old as I am, I am still my daddy's little girl, I'm still the girl that cries in the dark , hell even the light too , that's how far I've come. Out of my element I am ..but this is pure *******, the longer I stay here the faster I realise that I'm not as sick as I perceived or that's the fear talking , I cannot take this.
I miss my family, my bunny ... I miss you, I miss you , I miss you.

Dear diary,
We're still on the first day but I cannot breathe , I feel myself and the nothingness ; ten fold. I am not okay.
The purge I am, Purge ? I will, I have to.
They say time goes faster ........

Lit sticks of marijuana,
Held to my lips,
By my hand
Are now easier to bare
because I have nothing tying
My heart
To you.
Though I am still sad, I am not crying for you anymore and that is okay.

I still feel you pushing away.
Say it to my face, because everything is lonely without a voice
I loved you to your face
Disrespect me and love me close
You have way too many names and I keep piling them on because I see you in everything.

hey,
I just cried for you,
A lot,
It was sad,
It's going to make me,
Sick.
I love you,
You can come back now

I have no desire to be rid of you
I have no desire to feel without you
I have no desire to throw away all your beautiful
I have no desire to try.
I have no desire to court you like I could, I have no desire to court you like you are worth it,
worth it? you are,
very much so
but you don't love me, atleast not like the days you finally said it to me.

you're gone.
i can't breathe, without you.
someone tell me what to do now.

I don't cry myself to sleep anymore
I wish I still did .
You were once my everything
I don't know how to deal with you being,
a distant memory,
someone that is no longer her.

I think too much
And you stay on my mind
So you know,
i think of you
-the plan was to stargaze the nights away, with you
now, i dont know, im proud, so very proud but shook because it's too soon to fallback and I'm writing this hesistantly because we're different people, i am who i am and this may not be the same to you.

Talk to me please

I go days without the thought of you lately..
It hurts that I still remember you..
But it hurts more that you're becoming a memory..
Something of the past..

i am sad.
i am never not sad.
all because of you.
The outpouring of this emotion,
keeps you alive.
But you're not.

I'd give all i have
I'd give all i am, all my life and another and then more to be
Where i want to be
Whether it be with her
Whether it be where my mind is sound enough to silence the offbeat of my heart
Whether it be right here
Where i want to be is where i appreciate the moment with all i am
where i want to be is not where i am

broken heart; tear stained pillows, books and sleeves..
you said to me " you are missed " my immediate response was " you are missing from me, baby please come back to me " those words were easily typed and then again erased.. and with that I had to excuse myself and stain the sleeves in the comfort of my own solitude..trapped
i need you, not a part of you but all of you as i gave my everything to you, it may be hard but in order for me to call myself yours, this box, you call home? has to become something more than a vessel i plan my inevitable end

How she silences all my senses remains a mystery to me. She numbs my core but yet makes it beat rapidly.
  My insides turn to jelly whenever she gnaws at my belly, when she sinks her nails into my back and bites my bottom lip like a liquorice stick.
  Some others would call her a bottom **, but there's so much more to her being than being more than a side chick.
  She sings melodies which resonate with the hums of my heart when we touch,
much of which is far from lust but is purely just.
  To me she's more than a nutbust, she's more of an infinite ****** from which i cannot overcome.
                        
                    VS
my botttom ***** she.. changed the scene, I: the  bottom *****, loved and gave in once again, Into all the blissful ******* she spewed using her tongue.
Her tongue numbing everything...everything except my hands clenching, gripping knuckles turning white, my teeth drawing blood from my bottom lip.
she walked out, leaving me , bleeding , aching core. she left my house, my little bit of heaven.

Calls at 3am , the top, begging to be let it and just like that the words " go **** yourself " stuck in my throat yet my arms are missing you.
  i turn to mush when you make that face... this is why i remain in the darkside, feeding the demons you supposedly killed
  these demons were fed with lead, resurrected and led by madness.
Rage!
    or a caveman savage!

Or..
i could call her over  and offer her some tea and muffins, from a musket.
Hemp rope and hang (with) her, bound  by invincible chords to the Lord but what more could i ask for but harmonious love from broken keys.
Broken keys for broken hearts, broken hearts deserve shotguns to pump bullets into the minds of those who sugarcoat the truth.

That's all I seem to be able to do. 
Wallowing in my pain. Or  rather the thoughts of you, conjured up by my mind because of the empty space you left when you walked in and out of my life. Certain subconscious happiness  in your leaving but the clear sadness the clear surplus of what ifs are never ending and I cannot break free. 
I miss you. That's all I know now. Missing you, that is all I am now. I wish for so many things, your happiness seems to out weigh, every selfish wish I have had, what is love if not a touch of possession, selfishness. 
 .qm

the kind i cannot write about.

breathing in way to many fumes of unfinished poems, forgotten lovers. i miss you. 

i'm trying with everything in me to refrain from showering you in metaphors and similes. 
i'm trying to keep this pen from spewing truth about how i like my morning coffee black like my heart without you or like the beautiful color of your hair. 
i don't want to spew truth about how your every bit of the word serendipity how i became cathartic with you. how you come second to none to the sun. how every cloud of smoke blown out of my mouth at 12am reminds me of you after a few pills and how that's when i love you most 'cause that? that's where all the truth comes. i don't want to tell you about how the flower i passed on my walk the other day made me stop and think of you and me and the future we could have. i don't. 
 
i want to tell you the truth i want to tell you everything i feel without the metaphors, similes. i want to tell you what my heart feels without any attachment to anything else but you. i love you.

writers block. 
I'm sorry. 
q.m

you. are it
you. are her
you are my bit of serendipity.
you are my pleasant surprise.
you are it. you make it ok. with you i can bare it. you make me ok.
my bit of serendipity, my fortunate happenstance.
you, you and only you.
call it what you will?
call me what you will?
an addict, a druggie, your druggie.
my bit of serendipity you are it.
my bit, my aftermath, my something.
yes you are something.
my different.
you. me. serendipitous. i see it. do you?
my something. my black and white. my grey at 3am, my fucken lucid dream.
you, mine? no? ok.  you, me ? us ? no ? someday. my blue moon? my black and white? my grey my black and blue?
my bruise? i am bruised ? Its hidden? like you and i? yes? it is hidden. like my love for you? Unrequited. yes that's true. we're done? i'm done i'll be back someday.
and i will be.
Your bit of serendipity.

you stayed silent, while I was loud in approach but as we know,
you achieved the impossible, bringing down to earth, she, who could not be altered.
-who transcends human nature
- she who changes
- or she who brings about changed.

you cannot break me down as I break myself. you could try but my subconscious has you beat, my entire being has you beat.

letter to the night : child of the night I am not.
Letter to my parents..
    you could say and can say a lot about me but you cannot say I was never truthful to what you taught me, you can never ever say i went against anything you stood for.
A rebel I am, but with a cause.
You'd like me to be infront of you wallowing in whatever feeling consumes me at that moment, you want me infront of you but the girl you're seeing is not who she is, me sitting there and trying to make you happy while I slowly pull the trigger to the gun in my hand.

You know not what kills me but you spew demands about where I should or should not be. You don't know the cause of it all yet you persist on controlling a child you do not know. **** what the doctors say, you do not listen anyway, I am sick we know that, that's fine ? Why am I sick? Have you asked yourself that question ? No you have not yet you have the audacity to sit there and conjure up ideas about what I may or may not be doing. ASK ME , I will tell you the truth and nothing else but it.

You do not know me, seventeen years living and you do not know me. How do you feel about not knowing a thing about the child you birthed ? Tell me please because I'm sitting here , July fourth at 1:50 am trying to figure out who I am , tear stained eyes , hitching breaths, rocking back and forth and everything.
You do not know me.
You do not know me.
You do not know me.

Ask me who I am and on a journey we will embark, what lies ahead ? I hope you're ready.

You were in the moment but the moment we shared, was and Is mine, to keep. "  -so much for being connected, you will never understand what that means to me.

I think of you more than a lot
I think of you so much
I think of how you're not mine.
I think about how this is something i should be over
I think about how much i still love you
I think about how i shouldn't
I think you're beautiful
I think you're the worst ever
I think you're my pink cloud
I think of you
I think I'm sick and tired of it all.

dear diary|
i cannot blame her forever.
i played a good part in letting myself go.
I've realised.
blaming you was easy.
blaming you was merely my way of keeping you in my life, blaming you was and still is the reason for my demise.
I've realised.