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 Oct 2014 Jossie Villasenor
fdg
the first boy that kissed me without any warning
now kisses a girl that used to be my best friend
he shoved his tongue in my mouth while i was crying
i laughed and said, "this doesn't count"
got on my bike and rode away

the first boy i willingly kissed
i broke up with after letting him finger me for a year without any blow jobs in return (eventually i was comfortable enough with the idea, but ****, how awful of me)
and the summer after he cried over me he got back with his ex
(i was the mistake in the middle of them)

the boy that i kiss now
makes me bite my lip
and i miss him every second he's not around
because this love makes me hysterical
and i never really know what to say at the right time in the right way
so i just press my palm to his face
and hope he gets the message
I built a home between his hip bones
Though I don't visit all too often
It is a sanctuary
Not the only one but my first true sin
Bruised skin
Flesh on flesh
I swear god put him on this earth just as a test
To watch me give in
Again and again
I can't say no
I can't pretend
You found my frail self screaming, crying on your bathroom floor
We spilt the the wine of life
You striped me of my bile covered clothes
Dragged me to shower
You sat there stroking my head for what felt like 24 hours
Oh the taste of relapse
Smells of cigarettes and silence
Feels like hitting the wall and then being buried under the bricks
In and out in and out
Regain consciousness
Look in the mirror
Take another hit
Breathe
Sitting in that dimly lit room full of mirrors and couches
Memories, more memories
We sat together, limbs entangled
We thanked god for that white powder
We cursed at lucifer for our delicate addiction
Inhale
Feel the burn
Wow
"I missed you so much"
Maybe once again I'll visit the home between your hips
And we'll fall in love again
Oh the taste of relapse
So bitter sweet
"I can smell the chemicals on your skin, let's give in"
The "i"'s of this keyboard know me better than the eyes of anyone I know
This aloof computer has seen me ***** ugly thoughts while "in real life" I don't bat an eye
I am a wounded owl in the night
fearing- free of reason- the sudden dawn
You might be able to help me, but the scars reappear when you leave,
the only magic trick I believe in anymore
(knowledge spoils and sweetens)
don't pity me when I say I can never be loved
You only love one shell of many
I take a cigarette break to the beach at 2AM every time i'm on the graveyard shift. The whole atmosphere of being at the edge of a continent with an endless body of water living and breathing in front of you is emotional. When the sea is calm and the tide is low it feel like you can relax, listen to the tide rippling off the rocks and it soothes the soul. When the tide is high and the sea is rough you realize the pure power of the ocean. I imagine the lives previously taken by the merciless sea, engulfing ships and crashing into mountains and piers, cities, lighthouses, residences, and boat yards. Unforgiving, and yet, majestic she is responsible for more life than we can fathom. A whole different part of our world we have such minimal access to. I look out into her endless brilliance as the wind warns me of her presence. Blasting the smell of salt onto my skin, as i take long breathes with ease. The ocean is wise, she has been here much longer then i have and has experienced loss, life, tragedy, war, ******, and survival. Nobody's around at 2AM, just me and her. Every night she gives me the same feeling, like a women you love but cant control, a free spirit, wild for her own pleasure, thirsty for love and affection but resilient to the idea of being confined. For you can not control the one who manipulates you. I am being manipulated by the sea. As i exhale my last puff i walk back inside to work. "Ill see you tomorrow".
Trapped

               In between what's dead and gone
               Under the weight of what's meant to be
               In a place where no one has crossed
               Where I am bound to stay

Forever
               Bound, ununited
               Compelled to do what has to be done
               To accomplish what once said
               No choice, no way

Change
               Is beyond my control
               A will that may not happen
               ****** upon me with no care
               A future that I have no opinion in

Done
               Is my opinion, ignored upon
               Free will a figment of reality
               Just a mindless robot wasting away
               Without asking, without a soul.
the concrete on the corner of Willow and Main St.
will remember your face better than i ever could
it left impressions in your cheeks looking like
a blush run through a sieve
it will remember the skin on your knees
and how easily it tore when you fell
it will keep these pieces of you between it's teeth
until the city scrapes enough money together
to pave over your mistakes
again.

your mother gave up on you
after you stole her mother's silverware
sold the knives and forks but
boiled down the spoons
opened a new vein every day
like a bruised sunrise
like a bird lifting it's wings
broke the dam
and used the needle
to push a river into your heart.

God closed the door so you opened a window
and jumped out
let the pavement cradle you
better than i ever could.
Your eyes have faded long ago;
You do see
But you don’t know where to go

Streets flowing with water
The umbrella in your hand
It worked yesterday
Now why won’t it open?

When the sun is gone
even the prettiest flower shows it's true leafs
you know it has nothing to wear
before it leaves

It's place the night has taken
and the new life has been awoken
but it cannot be mistaken
with the old one that’s been broken

And now the tears of fear run down your face
And you can almost hear the grace

Of the pain that’s deep inside
That judged every move you took
Wonder how you could have been so blind
Not to look where others looked

Now you can look but you can’t have
You do wish but you don’t dare

And the question that tears you apart
Keeps you obsessed
Awake in the night
You do wonder how it all starts
But even more:
How long can it last?
Fangirls, *******, Emotionally Unstable,
That's what we are, clustered together
Hopped up on hormones, false hopes,
What are we supposed to do?
Just waiting for the long day to go
You hide, avoiding trust and closeness
knowing so soon it ends in pain
In a jungle of thieves you hold your secrets
Tight to your chest, never letting go
Then he comes along,
Messes everything up.
So cute, kind, trustworthy, like a safe.
You lay most of what you got on the table
Tell him what's going on,
Things you would never tell your closest friends.
Just to get smacked in the face.
"These are the best years of your life"
If that's true, then why go on?
Is the the best that it gets?
Jerks and heartbreak,
memories and heartache?
The high lasts a second but the pain for months
Teenage years ****.
I randomly wrote it. I don't know if I'm done with it, or if I'm going to fix it. It's whatever. Comments or notes or whatever you do would be cool.
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