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I dreamt that you came back, looking as gorgeous as ever, asking for my forgiveness.

I dreamt you followed me around, as I confusingly convinced myself I hated you.

I dreamt that you came back, hunting my weakened, fragile heart into falling for you again.

I dreamt that you caught me with your charm, and little by little I was your fool.

I dreamt I was trapped in your big blue eyes, your long blonde hair, your blood red lips.

I dreamt I traded my soul for a night of so called love and a morning of regret and self loathing.

I dreamt I ran away in circles, always coming back to the same spider web with the same black widow.

I dreamt I was awake, when in reality I had never even fallen asleep.
It's been a long time since we went our separate ways.
A thousand nights I've gone to bed without being able to shake you off my thoughts.
My sleep is invaded with dreams of you... of us.
I can't seem to forget how to love you.

Of course I've moved on (or so I like to believe),
but every time I see your face through a photograph a feeling that something's lost runs through my whole body.
In my mind I think I'm fine.
In my heart I know I'm incomplete.
I'm missing something, and I believe you might know what.

We swore we'd speak to each other regularly.
We swore we'd always be friends.
Yet here I am, writing this letter, lonely as I am, hoping that you'd read this someday.

I know we've grown apart, but I really wish to go back.
I wish I had never left, so I could now be still by your side.
My heart knew my brain was wrong.
I shouldn't have gone, but I can't change what's already done.

All I can say now is that I miss you.
That I wish you would read this, and talk to me once more.
To hear your melodious voice would heal all my wounds still open.
A look from your eyes would purify my sinful spirit.
And a beat of your heart would take me to heaven to rest forever in love.
 Dec 2013 Johnnie Rae
Lizzy
Stuck
 Dec 2013 Johnnie Rae
Lizzy
You were rudely awoken from your dreams of happiness
Like a reoccurring nightmare
That never seems to end

No matter how many diagnoses are made
Pills you take
And fake smiles you show
You can never wake up

It's like an addiction
Anything you can get your hands on
Anything you can do
You'll always find away
To sneak into the dark once again

You whisper the words
That your life revolves around
Between forced gags
And broken tears
"You should be better"
 Dec 2013 Johnnie Rae
Lizzy
The old blue box filled to the brim
With bandages, Advil, and what my dad used to call "magic healing lotion"
So that we would feel special when putting it on
After falling down
From the monkey bars on the playground across the street
Or that first time I fell off of my bike

Now my pain is more than skin deep
Not a simple dab of magic healing lotion and a Spider-Man bandaid
Will help stop the blood dripping from my wrists

The old blue box filled to the brim
With bandages, Advil, and what my dad used to call "magic healing lotion"
Now sits on the top shelf of the closet
Collecting dust
I called. No answer.
Tried to give love a new chance.
It did not go well.
 Dec 2013 Johnnie Rae
Elise
Dear you, I never knew my bones could ache before I met you, in fact I didn't even know bones could ache at all this might be a medical condition, but I have a feeling if I told the doctors I had the case of a broken heart they would laugh at me.

Dear you, I keep jumping up every time the door opens expecting to see your face
I mean
I keep jumping up every time I even see headlights going by
even though there's no reason for you to come through this side of town anymore
whenever I see a black truck I think you're here
then I remember you sold it a week before you left
it was probably a sign
was I always blind like that?

Dear you, you said you would call eventually
and I believed you
then I remembered that you didn't ever call me even when you wanted to talk
I know you don't have my number anymore
but
maybe you might listen to what I had to say if I was a stranger

Dear you, hey I know you don't know who this is anymore,
and I know I'm a stranger
but
I'm a stranger who knows everything about you and even knows how you make your coffee and all the words to your favorite songs even though I didn't like any of them, and the exact angle your head takes when you're drawing and **** it never mind I can't finish this

Dear you, I wonder if you ever would have loved me if I wasn't broken
you seemed to only be searching for something more damaged than yourself
congratulations
you found exactly what you were looking for
then left as if you made a mistake

Dear you, I told you loving sad girls would get you nowhere
even I hoped I was lying

Dear you, I can't stop dreaming that you're still here

Dear you, I thought you were gone
I WISH YOU WERE GONE
call off your ghosts and leave
…please?

Dear you, today I ran to catch up with a boy who was wearing a leather jacket that looked like yours and when he turned around I had to pretend I wasn't looking

Dear you, I saw you today for the first time in six months and I couldn't breathe and when you left I fell to the floor and no one understands that seeing your eyes constricted my wind pipes and if you still had my heart it was trying to run to safety the thing almost jumped out of my chest and everyone was hugging me and I don't remember the rest

Dear you, I will forever regret not yelling after you

"I keep all my promises"
&
"I miss you too much to forget"
Maybe someday I'll get the courage to go to the mailbox
 Dec 2013 Johnnie Rae
Odi
On the day you finally broke
you let every bit of the control you valued so much, slip
slip
away
And I loved it.

On the day you broke I pushed a button I knew I shouldnt have
pushed
and between your anger
I named your fear
"You're sccared." I said
Between your anger and your fear there was no more room left for
control
so you broke and broke down.
As broken down a control freak gets
Shaking, you spat out the saddest sentence I have ever heard
come out of your beautiful mouth
Hair crackled with the ferocity of your hatred you said
"IF. I could change everything about. MYSELF,  I would. My ****** zip code, my zodiac sign, every. *******. thing. The good, the bad, the ******* joyous and the ******* ugly."
You whispered the word "everything" as if I did not yet understand.

My father only taught me how to be a man but my mother taught me how to be a human being
And I too know how heavy armour wears on your skin
Even soldiers sleep
Even vikings take their armour off at some point
Even a captain removes his ******* hat
You
you sleep with clenched fists and gritted teeth
I havent heard you
yawn
burp
****
****
***
or snore
you are
the one eye open on the door and I'm
the kitchen floor cleaner going back for more
ill unload your baggage
just  tell me where you left the ******* keys to the trunk
Letters to my exes
 Dec 2013 Johnnie Rae
Odi
"The problem is..."
he drawls
"that it is'nt us who see people differently from you,
but you see things different from us. We are not the problem you are.
You see the basest humans when we paint majestic creatures,
we tell stories of superheroes with no faults,
we expect our boyfriends to mirror night skies in their comfort,
and speak like Kerouac. Kiss our scars like white girl tumblr pictures."
"People like you," he says;
"...Dont ever **** yourselves. You're used to the disappointment. Your used to kissing your boyfriends sweaty upper lips and smelling...just that. You clean up the puke on bathroom floors without complaining because you know what people look like from the inside. That's why your art will never be good. Thats why today in class when I asked you to paint a human body cut open, you drew a colorless man with his organs splaying out of him, and *******" he laughs..
"I have to fold petals into my boyfriends armpits just to stand the sight of him
our ******* is'nt *******,
its *******. Supposedly.
When I tell this story later,
I'll leave out the spit and saliva and how the human body
aint that pretty, especially *******. Even 6 ft 3 chiseled muscle of it, ill write metaphors about his eyes and similes to his fists,
you will tell us about the humaness of his breath and how
it annoyingly kept you up at night,
you will speak of storms but not of the ones in his eyes.
The ones in your belly
when he farts during *** and you will
describe every putrid detail, like the fact that waking up in the morning aint so pretty,
morning breath is something we dreamers leave out in movies. And, it must be exhausting
living here seeing things how they really are, but atleast when you expect disappointment, theres room for surprise.
People like me expect the good and are disappointed when its ****** on."
 Dec 2013 Johnnie Rae
Emily Tyler
She may be ******.
And she may check my fingers-
Slam her hard metal pole down on them-
Each time we practice lacrosse.
And she may roll her eyes
At
Me.

But I don't hate her.
I feel sorry for her.
Because I think I'm the only one
Who pays attention
Through the laughter and fun
That
He touches her.

And she makes a joke out of it
So her minions snap out of their dazed state and
Chuckle a little bit.
But his crawling fingers are greedy
And her words are scarce.

All of the brain-dead minions
Laugh when she jokingly screams,
"****!"

Except me.
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